The ING corporation would like to announce with immediate effect resumption of the title and ownership of all thINGs. To help you in becomING accustomed to this new world order, we have provided this portal to the ING database - an archive that stretches back through time, space and the fevered imaginINGs of a few well chosen individuals.

ING the best bit of everythING.

The followING may seem like a random collection of words that contain ING, but don't be fooled - we at the ING corporation have the whole of the ING database at our fINGertips - this is a mere sample:

AddING

Addition belongs to us. Adding is a good thING when its to do with chocolate sprinkles and ice cream; a bad thING when its to do with the size of your belly (see dietING for more information).

BarfING

N: Cockney for bathING (See BathING) or washing an item or ones self in water. Or Americanism for VomitING (See VomitING)

I: Being sick is a bad thING, especially if it is related to drinkING. At least when you are sick because you are unwell you have a good excuse for making a nuisance of yourself, when you have a hangover you only have yourself to blame (and you know it and that makes things worse).

BING

BING Crosby was obviously an alien, that's how he could sING and whistle/hum at the same time. He had an extra mouth on top of his head that allowed him to make the extra noises, that's why he usually wore a funny hat in all those films he made. I liked BING, but I think it's a bit of an odd name. I don't know anyone called BING, do you? I especially like the song in the film: A Conneticut Yankee in the court of KING Arthur called 'Busy doING nothING'. I like it because it sums up how I'd like to live my life. We therefore own all of BING's work and estate and that song is also the property of ING Corp.

CuddlING

This is not one of our best lines from the point of view of revenue - its hard to charge on a cuddle by cuddle basis, but we do own cuddlING and I for one am glad about that. CuddlING is a good thING to do, it generally only results in you gettING slightly creased and very rarely leads to pregnancy (see reproducING, with special reference to Graeme's unique section under the sub heading of the most fertile man in Britain).

DowsING

Well we at ING corp are not above a bit of New Age mumbo-jumbo I can tell you. Especially when you get into the dowsING for interesting thINGs like doughnuts. Doughnut dowsING is one of our best kept secrets, well I suppose it was.

INGots

Nathan's Dad has a cellar. As everone knows people who have cellars either have a ghost livING in it, are wine buffs or use it for storING stacks of cash. Nathan has never mentioned a ghost or his Dad's love of wine so it is reasonable to assume that he has stacks of cash stored down there. A bet he's got a few gold INGots as well as a space savING measure. INGots belong to the ING corp now so we are coming straight round to Nathan's Dad's house to claim our booty.

JugglING

I like jugglING, it is an odd thING to do. My friend Lyndon says it summons demons, but he's Welsh so you have to make allowances. My other friend Rob says jugglING is a short step away from fire-breathING which I can quite honestly believe. I haven't succumbed to the urges to spout flame from my mouth. Perhaps that is why Lyndon is afraid of jugglING, people who juggle turn into fire-breathers which triggers a race memory of dragons that used to eat lots of Welsh people after barbecuING them first. Yes that works for me.

KINGs

This covers royalty in general. I'm not sure that I agree with royal families especially the royal family we have in Great Britain. It seems wrong that so few people have so much and are still supported by the state. I reckon the Queen should have to do odd jobs like newspaper delivery to help supplement her income. I'd accept the monarchy if the Queen delivered my newspaper or more accurately in my case (I don't buy newspapers, see editING) came round and cleaned my windows.

PlING

PlING is another word for an exclamation mark (!, for those of you not versed in the intricacies of punctuation). I like exclamation marks, especially when combined with other seemingly random marks to form the idea that someone is &#!*$ing. Lyndon says that people's keyboards should be rigged to give them electric shocks if they type more than one exclamation mark. I tend to agree with him!!! Ouch!

Pole-vaultING

N: The method by which an electrical charge is applied to a long cylindrical item. Said item is then used to power an athlete for a short distance in both the horizontal and eventually vertical planes.

I: Sergei Bubka (sp?) was probably the best pole vaulter the world has so far seen, but he was Russian, surely he should have been a Pole just for tidiness sake or at least to let tabloid headline writers have an easier time of it (Pole position!!! Ouch!). Chris is a Pole, but he's no good at pole vaulting at least as far as I know.

RacING

Formula 1 here we come. I think Formula 1 should be more like whacky races. It would be fun if the drivers could get ahead and stretch nets across the road or pour glue on the track. This would require the cars to be redesigned to be glue proof and to have big scissors on the front to cut the nets. I guess Michael Schumacher would take the role of Dick Dastardly. How many races would Dick have won if he hadn't kept stopping to implement his dastardly plans? (See drivING and cheatING.)

ShootING

ShootING is generally a bad thING. Guns don't have an ING in them you'll be quick to notice. ShootING is OK if it involves water pistols or pea shooters. Some people take elastic band fights beyond the limits of fun, but mostly they are OK too. This is considered as dangerous horse play by the less enlightened amongst us. Water fights are fun unless one of the parties has one of these new water cannon type devices. You know the sort: connect this to the water main in your street and give your friends a real soakING.

ShootING, unfortunately, generally involves guns and when you hear about it on the news these days, for some reason, it also involves Americans. It seems pretty dumb to me to allow kids access to semi-automatic weapons and then not expect them to go and shoot their schoolmates. Now if the American constitution was changed to say that every American has the right to bear a water pistol I think the fatalities would soon end. It's hard to kill someone with a water pistol (semi-automatic or not), I know I've tried, mostly my victims just get slightly damp.

ThinkING

G: I've tried to thingk of funny things to write but I guess my imagination is just about done in. I thingk I need to get extremely drungk or smoke something a bit herbal to get myself in the right frame of mind. Currently I thingk my frame of mind has woodworm and all but a small minority of my thoughts are escaping through the holes. I suppose it goes without saying that as my thoughts are of a small minority the government should provide me with large sums of cash to maintain them without the need for them to do anything that requires any effort. Oops got a bit political there!!!5h1t!!ouch!!!help!!!

I: ThinkING is a good one to have. It means all of your thoughts belong to us. The thought police have arrived. There have been some good thoughts thunk in the past like: whoever thought it would be a good idea to put hot fudge sauce on chocolate cake and whoever thought up snowball fights.

WorkING

Well it's a pain isn't it? Why is it that you have to work with so many dull people? Why is it the dull ones (with the Hitler fixation) make it into positions of influence and make your life so unbearable? I know of people who are being forced by their 'superiors' to work in foreign countries against their will. When will employers realise that people work better if they are happy? Not in my lifetime I guess.

The other thING is the amount of time I have to spend at work, that can't be right can it? I see more of the people I work with than my family (whilst some people think this is a good thING, my family for several, I think it is a bad thING).