Christmas Cracker Jokes

Here we have the clotted cream of really awful jokes, especially for your delectation and .... err ... well ... horror?

Indeed, just when everyone hoped that cracker jokes couldn't get any worse, along came December 2005.

What bee can never be understood? ...: A mumble-bee.
What do you call a bull asleep on the ground? ...: A bulldozer.
What do you call a sick crocodile? ...: An illigator.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? ...: A chew chew train.
Why don't bananas sunbathe? ...: Because they'd peel.
Why do birds fly south in winter? ...: Because it's too far to walk.
Did you hear about the leopard who had a bath every day? ...: He's spotless.
What do hedgehogs have for lunch? ...: Prickled onions.
Where does Tarzan buy his clothes? ...: A jungle sale.
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? ...: A doyouthinkhesawus.
What do cats like for breakfast? ...: Mice crispies.
What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? ...: Russell.
What do you call a gigantic polar bear? ...: Nothing - you just run away.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? ...: Claustrophobic.
Who is the most famous Russian billiard player? ...: Inoff the Red.
What did one wall say to the other wall? ...: I'll meet you at the corner.
How do you hire a horse? ...: Stand it on 4 bricks.
What do you call a man who used to be interested in tractors? ...: An ex-tractor fan.
Teacher: Where are the Andes? ...: Pupil: At the end of the armies.
Customer: How come this car is covered with dents - you said it had had one careful owner. ...: Salesman: The others weren't so careful.
What do you call a man with a spade? ...: Doug.
Why don't ducks tell jokes while they are flying? ...: Because they would quack up.
Who is the most famous unmarried woman in the USA? ...: Miss Issippi.
Who is the most famous married woman in the USA? ...: Mrs. Sippi.
How do snails keep their shells shiny? ...: They use snail varnish.
What do you get if you cross a stereo with a refrigerator? ...: Cool music.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun? ...: Whatever it wants you to.
How much must you know to be an auctioneer? ...: Lots.
Teacher: What do you know about the Dead Sea? ...: Pupil: I didn't even know it was ill.
What do you call a man with an award on his head? ...: Oscar.
What goes around the woods grunting and sending the other animals to sleep? ...: A wild bore.
What bow can't be untied? ...: A rainbow.
Where do astronauts leave their cars? ...: At parking meteors.
What do you call Mrs. Santa Claus? ...: Mary Christmas.
Doctor: I'm sorry, you have acute appendicitis. ...: Patient: I came here to be treated, not admired, Doctor.
What is green and hairy and wears sunglasses? ...: A gooseberry on holiday.
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a grasshopper? ...: A wooly jumper.
What's a frog's favourite drink? ...: Croak-a-cola.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. ...: Doctor: I'll deal with you later.
Waiter, please call the manager - I can't eat this soup. ...: He won't eat it either, sir.
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? ...: Unlawful is against the law, illegal is a sick bird.
Why is a lion in the desert like Christmas? ...: Because of it's sandy claws.
What do angry mice send each other at Christmas? ...: Cross mouse cards.
What's the difference between a market gardener and a snooker player? ...: One minds his peas, the other minds his cues.
Are you a piece of string? ...: No, I'm afraid not.
Which players in an orchestra can't you trust? ...: The fiddlers.
What did the big piece of dough say to the little piece of dough? ...: You'll still be kneaded.
What does an angry kangaroo do? ...: Get hopping mad.
What happened to the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube? ...: He made a laughing stock of himself.
Why does the milking stool have only 2 legs? ...: Because the cow has the udder one.
What bird is always out of breath? ...: A puffin.
What does an angry kangaroo do? ...: Get hopping mad.
What do you serve but never eat? ...: A tennis ball.
Why did the chicken run onto the football pitch? ...: Because the ref. blew for a foul.
Why don't robots have brothers? ...: Because they have transistors.
What kind of tie does a pig wear? ...: A pig sty.
What did the beaver say to the tree? ...: Nice gnawing you.
What award goes to designers of door knockers? ...: A no bell prize.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon. ...: Doctor: Sit down and don't stir.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish? ...: Drop it a line.
Why did the thief take a bath? ...: So that he could make a clean getaway.
Which is the faster - hot or cold? ...: Hot - you can catch cold.
Why are tall people always the laziest? ...: Because they lie longest in bed.
What did the letter say to the stamp? ...: Stick to me and we'll go places.
What kind of dog goes into a corner every time the doorbell rings? ...: A boxer.
Judge: Have you been up before me before? ...: Thief: I don't know, what time do you get up?
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school? ...: Because her pupils were so bright.
Where do geologists go for entertainment? ...: To a rock concert.
What ring is square? ...: A boxing ring.
What can you make that cannot be seen? ...: A noise.
Why did the teacher call both of her sons Ed? ...: Because she thought two Eds would be better than one.
What has 22 legs and 2 wings but cannot fly? ...: A soccer team.
Why did the baker get an electric shock? ...: Because he stood on a bun and a currant ran up his leg.
What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? ...: A ladder in her stocking.
What did baby corn say to mummy corn? ...: Where's popcorn?
What are the wettest animals in the world? ...: Reindeer.
Who wore the first shell suit? ...: Humpty Dumpty.
What do you call a man down in the mouth? ...: A dentist.