Study No. 1

THE TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE: THE TRUTH ABOUT DIVORCE



We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest.
And deal full many a thoughtless blow,
To those who love us best.



Matthew 24:37-39
"For the coming of the Son of Man will be just like the days of Noah. For as in those days which were before the flood they were eating and drinking, they were marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark, and they did not understand until the flood came and took them all away; so the coming of the Son of Man shall be."

The only thing they were doing wrong was that they were leaving God out!

"Marriages are made in Heaven" - So are THUNDER and LIGHTNING!

Psalm 127:1
"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it."

AND LOOK AT THESE FACTS OF FAMILY LIFE:
... One in three children between the ages of six and seventeen today live with just one parent.
... One in four pregnancies ends in abortion throughout the world each year - 30 million 'legal' abortions.
... Nowadays, a family is a group of people who have keys to the same house!
... Our understanding of how to live with one another is still far behind our knowledge of how to destroy one another.

QUITTING ON MARRIAGE
Professor Frank Zimring, who teaches Family Law at the University of Chicago says, "Even if a couple today is less happy than their parents were, they will tend to get a divorce."

When Ann Landers asked her married readers if they would marry the same person again, if they were able to go back and start over - 45% of the 50,00 replies answered "No!"

Sociologist, Dr David Mace says, "Since women have assertiveness, independence and personhood, men no longer feel the compulsion to provide for them. The new attitude is, "If I walk out on my wife, she is quite capable of taking care of herself."

One husband told me, "The only reason some brides promise to love, honour and obey, is that they don't want to start an argument in front of all those people."

THE TRUTH ABOUT DIVORCE
Sociologists give us the following major reasons in America today:
... The changing roles of husbands and wives.
... The belief that marriage is the number one road to happiness.
... The trend towards earlier retirement.
... The demand on parent's time outside the home.
... The end of 'extended family' because its various parts keep moving away.
... Women's 'liberation' with its major theme of 'make it on your own.'
... The myopic goal of 'self-realisation.'
... The supposedly 'modern' attitude of sexual permissiveness and 'free se.'
... Improved birth control methods aiding a couples feeling of 'no commitment.'
... Easy marriage laws and easy divorce laws.
... Adultery-orientated television, movies, books, magazines etc.

STOP THE "BLAME GAME"
Ron Wiseman, founder of "Enjoying Marriage" seminars, states, "In recent years I've learned a magic formula for helping salvage marriages. If, just once, I can get the individuals to stop playing the 'blame game' - blaming the other person - and look at themselves and what it is that they have done wrong - and what it is that they can do to improve marriage, then they are going to turn and go in the right direction."

Ephesians 4:29-32
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with malice. And be kind to one another, tederhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

Forgiveness is absolutely essential to begin the healing of any marriage - putting away all bitterness (see Matthew 6:14-15).

Good resolutions are like babies crying during a church service - both need to be carried out immediately.

Port Wagner of the Fuller Theological Seminary wrote, "I am most concerned over the increasing divorce rate ... among Evangelicals in particular. Divorce is taken too lightly by contemporary Evangelicals, giving married and unmarried young people alike the impression that divorce is a reasonable Christian life option, instead of a sin as heinous as murder or homosexuality."

Jamie Buckingham, in an excellent article in the March 1979 issue of 'Charisma Magazine' called 'The Betrothal: Is It Still Relevant?' wrote, "The Bible calls for an entirey different approach to marriage. One in which ... the engagement is of more importance than the actual wedding. One in which an engagement ceremony is performed, one in which long-term preparation is not only good, but mandatory ... unless Christians return to ALL the Biblical principles, including the concepts of preparation for marriage, the home will not stand amidst the mounting pressure of the world."

Immorality is a sin, not only against the human body, but against the Body of Christ ... and it is a terrible contagious sin. 1st Corinthians 6:18 says, "Flee immorality." Every other sin a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man SINS AGAINST HIS OWN BODY. The Body of Christ is being splintered, and often rendered ineffective, because of rampant divorce within the church.

The world always has its own standards for success or failure and its own reasoning for marriage and/or divorce; but the Bible is the only acceptable for anyone who calls himself or herself a 'Christian'. Better than 90% of Christian marriages last a lifetime, and among the 84% of the family who are still husband-wife families, are the multitude of Christians who have followed God's standards.

But a Christian marriage isn't necessarily a happy marriage. I still tell about the optimist who used to go daily to the Marriage Bureau to see if maybe his licence has expired!

Manual Seminars are to show you what's happening and to show you just HOW the Lord wants to build YOUR house with your co-operation. Then you will have a happy marriage, full of the joy of the Lord.

BASE YOUR MARRIAGE ON GOD'S WORD
Matthew 7:24-27
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine, and acts upon them, may be compared to the wise man, who built his house upon the rock. And the rain descended and the floods came and burst against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded upon the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine, and does not act upon them, will be a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand. And the rain descended, and the winds blew and burst against that house; and it fell, and great was its fall."

The above passage of Scripture tells us:

  1. There will be storms. Storms cause us to go back to the Book and get God's answers for ending the storm.
  2. The result of your home is your decision - reached by whether or not you have your home built on doing what the Word of God says to do - ACTING UPON THE WORD.
  3. Hearing the Word of God without acting upon it will not cause your home to stand. The value of the Bible doesn't consist merely of knowing it - but living in it.

"If you were arrested for being a Christian - would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

PRESSURE TIMES IN MARRIED LIFE
... Going to school while married.
... The first baby.
... Anytime there is a career conflicting with the marriage.
... When the man turns 40.
... When the woman enters menopause or has a hysterectomy.
... When the man turns 60.
... The loss of a job.
... Working under prolonged stress or fatigue.
... Anytime there is a problem of nutrition.
... Anytime there is a disease, illness or accident.
... Moving to another locality.
... The necessity of giving up one's home.
... Problem children.
... Children born handicapped.
... Finding your mate has lied to you.
... Sexual unfaithfulness or incompatibility.
... Problems with parents, friends or in-laws coming between you and your mate.

Because of the storms that rise in every marriage, never be a 'matchmaker'. You can get blamed by an unhappy couple for lighting their fire and burning them up!

COMPATIBILITY - A MAJOR KEY TO MARRIAGE PLUS
The Very Reverend Lawrence Welsh, as a Catholic Priest got so tired of seeing divorce after divorce amongst the people that he had married a few years ago, designed a 128 question Pre-Marital Inventory Survey for all couples wanting to marry. Plus, he put them on a four month waiting period after their initial contact with him regarding marriage. Today Lawrence Welsh is a Bishop. There are now 143 questions, and thousands of disasters have been averted! A multitude of Catholic Dioceses in America are using it.

The Pre-Marital Inventory Survey covers the couples attitude about children, parenthood, relations with in-laws, sexuality, finances, interests, how well they relate, and if they feel they can relate on a lifetime basis etc. As an example of its success, of the first 780 teenage marriages he performed following the start of his 'wait and survey', there have been only two divorces so far and 'the other marriages are far happier'.

What does it prove? It proves you need, as a married couple to share the same interests. Sometimes you'll hear the statement 'opposites attract', but you'll find that interests and 'oneness of thought' that will bind the couple together in joy for a lifetime.

Happy marriages can occur at all ages. Historians tell us that the Virgin Mary was most likely 16 years of age at the time God chose her to bring forth Jesus. Statistics do show, however, that the ideal marrying ages for those that will last a lifetime are between 21 and 29 years old for the girl and 24 and 30 years old for the man, and the marriages are given more and more chance of real happiness the longer he or she waits during their 20's to be sure they know their own minds and the exact kind of mates they want for a lifetime.

Before the ceremony, any doubt means 'Bail Out!' If there are any feelings in the guy or girl the one they're going with wouldn't be the 'Perfect Partner for a Lifetime' - they should save both of them complete despair and not marry that one.

Q. "What about 'sexual compatibility?' Shouldn't the couple know fully about that before marriage?"
A. You can never eally know about 'sexual compatibility': outside of marriage because there is no full security for the couple outside of marriage. Sexual intercourse outside of marriage is totally condemned by God and never proves that that a couple would be right for each other. In fact, it proves they would most likely be wrong for each other because the act would bring both of their moral trustworthiness into great question. Neither could their mate be honest and committed only to them after marriage.

Hebrews 13:4
"The marriage bed is pure, but fornicators and adulterers God will judge."

The famous Kinsey studies found that persons who have had many sexual experiences before marriage made the poorest sexual adjustments after marriage.

One of the biggest lies couples tell each other is, "If we live together before we're married, we'll know we're compatible."

Even Nena O'Neill, whose co-authored book 'Open Marriage' mocked sexual faithfulness in marriage, has now said that stable marriages are, in fact, based on such faithfulness. Writing in the October 1979 'Human Behaviour Magazine' she says, "Sexual fidelity is not just a vow in marriage or a moral religious belief, but a need associated with our deepest emotions and our quest for emotional security."

God condemns sex before marriage not only because of the immorality involved, but because He knows the wretched hurt that comes when one selfish partner in such a lifestyle sees the trial as a miserable failure - while the other partner thinks the trial is a success. Terrible heartbreak in such a situation is the inevitable result for someone when the other person wlks out.

THE TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE

Weddings have become so expensive it's now the father of the Bride who breaks down and weeps!

In Revelation 19:5-9, Christ is the Groom and His Church is the bride. Has it ever struck you then that whether you're male or female, jesus Christ has asked, "Will you marry me? Will you commit yourself to Me even as you commit yourself to an earthly marriage?" A marriage has to be as close in parallel to the Walk in Christ as possible.

MARRIAGE WITH CHRIST AND MARRIAGE ON EARTH REQUIRES HONEST LIVING, TIME AND REAL COMMUNICATION.

Ephesians 5:22-33
THE HUSBAND MUST BE THE WIFE MUST BE
Loving Leader
... Eph 5:25		Submitted to her husband and with an obedient Spirit
... Eph 5:22-24; 1 Peter 3:6
Provider
... 1 Tim 5:8		Mentally encouraging to her husband
... Eph 5:33
Protector
... 1 Peter 3:7		Physically satisfying to her husband
(and vice versa)
... 1 Cor 7:2-5

After the minister says, "THE TWO OF YOU ARE ONE" (legally), you must work it out experientially.

N.B. Juan Carlos Ortiz adds, "Marriage is like the eternal commitment the Trinity has in John 17:21. They can be called 'One' because they are never going to divide from each other. One means 'indivisible' - it cannot be divided. You can divide 2, 3, 10 etc, but, you can only BREAK one!"

Christian marriage is not a partnership (50-50), but a 'Divine Merger' (100-100). You give everything you have to each other - all your assets and all your liabilities!

Engagement is 'an urge on the verge of a merge'. It must be the time to true discovery as to whom you're marrying. Marriage doesn't create problems, but reveals problems that were never solved before the marriage.

THREE ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY INGREDIENTS FOR ANY MERGER: LOVE, TRUST AND RESPONSIBILITY.

  1. LOVE
    It's a startling revelation to many that the Bible doesn't tell wives to love their husbands the same way that husbands are to love their wives.

    A husband is to agape his wife ... Eph 5:25
    'Agape' love means choosing to do the highest good for the wife in spite of her response. It's fulfilling his God-assigned role in his marriage, no matter what she does. It is always, love by choice, not by feeling. 'Agape' is the total opposite of selfishness. It's a love that gives and gives and gives - without requiring something back.

    What is love? - There is a built in selfishness in all other forms of the greek word 'love', except agape:

    1. 'EROS' love is perverted sexual passion - loving for what you can get out of it. It is never used in the New Testament, though its Hebrew counterpart is found in Proverbs 7:18 in the description of making love to a prostitute. Originally, it meant the physical desire that a man has for his wife and vice-versa, but it came to be associated with perversion about 250 years before the New Testament was written and became something describing an ungodly thing - the sexual urges of homosexuals, lesbians or prostitutes. Today we say 'erotic'.

    2. 'STORGE' love is family love - It's the kind of love that proves the adage 'blood is thicker than water' and resents intrusion into the family from the outside. It's only found in Romans 12:10 and is translated 'devoted' or 'affectioned'. It carries with it family pride . Churches are sometimes hindered by this kind of love as they want to stay small and not open up to others.

    3. 'PHILEO' love is the word that gives us the name of the city 'Philadelphia' and why we call that city 'The City Of Brotherly Love'. 'Phileo' love is always egocentric because it is the response of a person which appeals to his/her five senses. It is mutual love basd on common traits or common concerns. It is easily abandoned because it only functions as long as it's enjoying the object of its 'phileo' love. It is love with a reason, "I love you because you've given me good reason to love you." It's found in Titus 3:15; Matthew 10:37; John 11:36; John 12:25 etc.

      The association of the word 'philandros' describing the love a wife must have for her husband finds its root in the word 'phileo' because it describes a kinsman relationship. Because 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John and other places in the New Testament call upon Christians to love with 'agape' love - the wife is also to obviously 'agape' her husband too. But she isn't to lead him, therefore, she does not have to make the critical decisions he is responsible to make. This gives her the ability to remain his lover-friend.

  2. TRUST
    the second absolute essential ingredient for a merger. If you can't trust your mate, trust God with your mate.

  3. RESPONSIBILITY
    The third absolutely essential ingredient for a merger. There can be NO excuse for not being a responsible mate. Success in marriage is more than FINDING the right person - its a matter of BEING the right person!

A good questiobn to as yourself is, "If I were my mate - would I like being married to me?" If not - CHANGE!

THE ESSENTIALS ARE ESSENTIAL!!!

If you have not been a loving, trusting or responsible mate until now - you need to repent.

James 5:16(a)
"Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed."

If your mate confessed to you that they've been failing in some area - FORGIVE!

Matthew 6:14-15
"For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will nor forgive your transgressions." (NOTE: The word 'men' is used often, as her, to refer to both male and female).

DECIDE!
A marriage will never be healed unless both partners absolutely decide that there can never be a divorce from this merger. However, a marriage is immediately on its way to being healed if either one of the mates will absolutely decide that there can never be a divorce from this merger.

CO-OPERATION, NOT COMPETITION!
The world's way of any relationship between two people is competitive, not co-operative - everything is done for competition. The 'world logic' is obvious - "If we only pass through this world once and this is all there is, then we should take all we can get, and its just too bad if anyone else is hurt by it, they'll just have to look after themselves!"

But God's way of the marriage relationship is co-operation, not competition. The real hindrance to the success of every hurting marriage is selfishness.

Note: Jesus didn't go about 'healing sickness', He went about 'healing the sick'. He cares about YOU! (Hebrews 4:14-16).

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