Study No. 6
THE THREE PRIMARY REQUIREMENTS OF A SPIRITUAL LEADER IN THE NEW TESTAMENT AGE.
1. PROVIDER. 1 Timothy 5:8
"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever."
A husband must provide for his family. It is not his wife's job, but his.
2. LOVING LEADER. 1 Timothy 3:1-5
"It is a trustworthy statement; if any man aspires to the office of overseer (elder or bishop), it is a fine work he desires to do. An overseer, then must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, prudent, respectable, hospitable and able to teach, not addicted to wine or pugnacious, but gentle, uncontentious, free from the love of money. He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity, but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?
A husband must be able to manage his own household well--and with dignity. Therefore it can't be done by shouting! If a man's family is crumbling at home, he should not be a church leader until his family is in real order.
3. PROTECTOR. 1 Peter 3:7
"You husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honour as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
Some people may argue whether women are the "weaker vessel," but science and the Bible agree.
Dr. James Dobson, in his book, "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women", states, "Although the average woman lives to age 77, while the average man dies at 69, a woman has several very important functions men do not have. For example, only the woman has the menstruation cycle, can get pregnant, or give her own milk to a baby. All of these influence her behaviour and feelings. A woman has more different hormones than does man. The woman's thyroid is larger and more active. It contributes greatly to her emotional instability. She laughs and cries more easily.
"Women's blood contains more water (20% fewer red cells). Since these supply oxygen to the body cells, she tires more easily, is more prone to faint. Her constitutional viability is, therefore, strictly a long-range matter. When the working day in British factories, under wartime conditions, was increased from ten to twelve hours, accidents among women increased 150%- of men, not at all." Yes, women are the weaker sex and husbands must take good care of their wives. Husbands need to take good care of themselves, too.
WHY DO MEN DIE AN AVERAGE OF EIGHT YEARS EARLIER THAN WOMEN?
University of Pennsylvania biologist, Dr. Ingrid Waldron, has done an intensive study to answer this question. This is what she learned:
1. Three times as many men die in car accidents because they drive more recklessly.
2. Men are 50% more likely to run red lights or turn without signalling.
3. Men are four times as likely to drink heavily and, in turn, die of cirrhosis of the liver at twice the rate of women.
4. Three times as many men kill themselves.
5. Four times as many men are addicted to drugs.
6. Six times as many men die of lung cancer and five times as many of emphysema. (Presumably because men smoke more and start earlier than women.)
7. Heart attacks kill two men for every woman, and many doctors now believe the key element in heart disease is not a weak heart, but a stressful, hyper-competitive lifestyle. That competition is generally found at work.
Though women live longer than men, they have more illnesses; are hospitalized more often; undergo more surgery and consume more medication. Professor Constance Nathanson of John Hopkins University, who made a major survey of homes in the United States of America and England, said, "In some paradoxical way, it seems that women save themselves from death by becoming ill!" She said, "Women are more willing to take action in the face of illness than men are and so by medicine or surgery, they are able to live longer.
REQUIREMENTS FOR LEADING A WIFE.
In order to lead your wife you are going to need to fully understand the difference between "authority" and "power"- and be sure you have both.
"AUTHORITY" - PERMISSION. A driver's license gives a driver the authority to drive a car.
"POWER" - UNRESTRICTED ABILITY TO CARRY THE AUTHORITY THROUGH. Power would have to include the knowledge to drive a car plus the fully equipped car itself. EVERY HUSBAND HAD GOD'S AUTHORITY TO BE "HEAD OF THE HOME" IN WRITING.
Ephesians 5:23 "For the husband is the head of the wife..."
1 Corinthians 11:3 "...the man is the head of woman..."
BUT IN ORDER TO LEAD YOUR WIFE, YOU NOT ONLY NEED GOD'S AUTHORITY--YOU NEED HIS POWER.
HOW TO GET GOD'S POWER IN ORDER TO LEAD YOUR WIFE.
1. SACRIFICE YOURSELF TO THE LORD Romans 12:1-2
"I urge you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."
Reverend Don Judkins of Blenheim, New Zealand, points out, "The problem with being a 'living sacrifice' is that it's so easy to keep crawling off the altar! Then God has to get the flesh-hooks and pull us back!"
2. ACCEPT YOUR WIFE AS A MEANINGFUL PERSON
Your wife is not part of the furniture! She needs to know that you love her and constantly care about her. Many husbands think nothing of getting a jump on traffic by getting up at 3:00am to go fishing or hunting, or at 6:00am to get in a round of GOLF, but God commands that you consider your wife more important than these things. Next to Christ, she's to be your first love.
Ephesians 5:25
"Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and and gave himself up for her."
The word "agapE"- The Greek word for "love" in this verse--means "to will to love", it also means "choosing to do the highest good."
You must constantly be working to make the right and proper choices in God, blessing your wife as a total part of His plan. (again, 1 Peter 3:7).
THREE MAJOR PROBLEMS AMONG MEN WHO AREN'T LEADING THEIR WIVES
1. SOME MEN ARE STOPPED BY THEIR ENLARGED AND INJURED EGO.
Ephesians 5:28
"So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself."
The opposite of this verse is also true and could read, "He who does not love himself does not love his own wife!"
Men have fantastic egos. Husbands often attempt to gain a "success image" of their own design because they can't find love for themselves at home. Most men take their jobs very seriously. A good deal of a man's personal feelings about himself are tied up in approval from others instead. Since his wife gave her approval at the altar (and often hasn't given her approval since) he ignores her for other people's approval.
Colossians 3:19
"Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them." It is a sin to let bitterness cause you to ignore your wife.
2. SOME HUSBANDS JUST DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM.
Some husbands believe that all women generally complain anyway and ignore their wife with a "What's-it-to-ya!", attitude. Nothing can frustrate a woman more or end a marriage quicker, and nothing is more condemned by God. Marriage problems have got to be faced squarely if they are ever to get solved, and God will hold any man responsible who won't work to solve the marriage problems. (again 1 Peter 3:7)
3. SOME HUSBANDS REMAIN IN FEAR THAT THEIR WIFE JUST WON'T BE LED.
Read the book of Hosea in the Old Testament. Hosea was a man who was told by God to marry a prostitute (Hosea 1:2). It was a symbolic act portraying the days that the nation of Israel would be away from God and only "in the last days" return again to Him (Hosea 3:4-5). But in this true story Hosea obeyed God and did what God would never tell any other man in history to do - he married Gomer, the prostitute. And Gomer did what you might think a prostitute would do--she stayed with him for a while and then ran off with another man. But God told Hosea to go get his wife and bring her back. He did, and took authority over her, undoubtedly winning her respect by fully becoming her loving leader (Hosea 3: 1-3). Your situation couldn't be as difficult as his. The Lord is your strength - go to Him, submit to Him and He will give you the power as well as the authority to lead your wife.
TAKE TIME WITH YOUR WIFE.
God certainly intends for the husband to spend at least one full hour of each evening alone with his wife--not counting dinner (unless spent alone together)- for the purpose of togetherness. This shouldn't be the Television hour (because that creates silence) or even the hour of sex. It should be an hour for fun, Conversation and/or activity that will allow for joy and communication.
Husband, your wife is a person. She has human feelings, just like you do. You told her you wanted to spend your life with her. You said the same thing before God. That's why she married you, and you seriously lied to God and to her unless you will give her your time.
Someone asked former President Dwight Eisenhower how he managed to keep up with all of the pressures of time and demands on him. Ike answered, "I learned to distinguish between URGENT AND iMPORTANT."
Dan Benson, in his powerful book, "The Total Man", writes, "It takes time to fulfill responsibilities and there are two kinds of time:
- COMMITTED TIME. Time designated to fulfill basic needs and responsibilities such as sleeping, eating, job, school, etc.
- UNCOMMITTED TIME. (undesignated or 'free' time). Time designated that can vary with the desires of the individual such as clubs, hobbies, religious activities, social engagements etc. Quality time is urgently needed to be spent with a wife and must be budgeted accordingly."
Dan Benson adds, "Learn to say 'No'. Always measure the new job or opportunity against your set of priorities first." He then lists three questions to ask yourself "whenever you get that frustrated feeling that circumstances are controlling you." He says, "Stop, close your eyes and ask yourself three important questions:
- Is it really necessary for me to rush like this?
- What is my present pace doing to me, to my family, to my relationship with God and to my fellow workers?
- Is this project worth that?" (Dan Benson's "The Total Man" is totally good reading! It will make you think!)
THE FOUR MOST IMPORTANT DESIRES A WIFE HAS FOR HER HUSBAND.
Dr. Richard Dobbins, the noted Christian psychologist (Director of EMERGE, a Christian marriage counseling service in Akron, Ohio) says that when he asked thousands of wives the four most important desires they have for their husbands, they answered in this order:
1. SOMEONE TO BE KIND AND CONSIDERATE TO THEM.
William Arthur Ward once wrote, "A handsome man attracts a woman, an intelligent man interests her, a humorous man amuses her, an attentive man flatters her, a generous man pleases her, an honest man surprises her, the thoughtful man wins her." He's right!
The thoughtful man remembers her birthday and anniversary, phones when he's going to be home late for dinner (so that it doesn't grow cold while her temper grows hot!), thinks of how she will feel about something rather than what it will do for him, etc.
2. SOMEONE TO BE ROMANTIC AND AFFECTIONATE - NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH SEX!
Romance and affection to a wife are as essential and urgent as sex is to a husband. in a woman's mind "romantic" and "affectionate" have almost nothing to do with sex. This subject is so important it's the very next section covered in this chapter.
3. A GOOD FATHER FOR THEIR CHILDREN
God's list would look something like this one, too. It's right that points 1 and 2 come before this third point because you can't be a good father if you're not treating your wife kindness, consideration, romance and affection.
4. A GOOD PROVIDER
1 Timothy 5:8 makes it clear the wives are right with this desire. It is not their job to support you, but yours, as the husband, to support them. A wife needs to feel the security of having bills paid on time, being able to have essentials for her home and living a life knowing that her husband is capable of taking care of her. Too many dating couples forget about this necessity and then find themselves married and emotionally falling apart due to unpaid bills. Study Chapter 4, "God's Plan For Abundant Finance", very carefully and you'll never have this problem.
EVERY CHRISTIAN HUSBAND SHOULD MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO SUCCEED IN THE ABOVE FOUR AREAS.
WHAT IT MEANS FOR A HUSBAND TO BE "ROMANTIC" AND "AFFECTIONATE"
The first order of business for a husband who is "loving" and "affectionate" is to burn his whip and his chair! This will be a far better world when the power of love replaces the love of power. Many husbands totally misunderstand the word "leader" and feel that if they are to be "the head of the house" then they must crack the whip and be a totally dominating boss. Yet the words used to describe the wife's "head" in Ephesians 5 include "love, sanctify, cleanse, nourish and cherish." None of these directions tell the husband to push his weight with his wife or be a slave-driver. Instead, they are words that describe tenderest of affection. It is every bit as great a sin for a man to ignore his wife's need for romantic love as it is for her to ignore his need for sexual release and fulfillment.
HOW TO BE "ROMANTIC" AND "AFFECTIONATE"
Proverbs 15:1-4
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, abut a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, watching the evil and the good. A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit."
NOTICE: YOUR WORDS TO YOUR WIFE ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.
Every Christian husband MUST be a gentleman.
Among the things you need to do for your wife every day:
1. HOLD YOUR WIFE (not for the purpose of going to the bedroom!). Your wife needs to know that she can lean her weight on you and that you can hold her up. That's more than a symbolic act. Take her in your arms every day and spend at least a full minute just holding your wife.
2. TOUCH YOUR WIFE. Jesus hardly ever healed anyone that He didn't touch. When you're sitting together or walking down the street, take her hand and hold it.
3. SPEAK SOFTLY TO YOUR WIFE - and you won't have to carry a big stick!
4. SAY "I LOVE YOU" TO YOUR WIFE EVERY DAY. Don't be like the man who had been married 20 years and when his wife asked, "Do you love me?", answered, "Look woman, I told you I loved you the day I married you, and if I ever change my mind, I'll let you know!" Do you know that great feeling you get when one of your children voluntarily tells you, "I love you?" That isn't half the wonderful feeling your wife gets when you say it to her. Do it!
5. SPEAK "PLEASANT WORDS" TO YOUR WIFE. Pleasant words include statements like, "It's good to be home"; "Boy, have I missed you!"; "Honey, this house looks terrific!"; "You really look nice."
Proverbs 16:23-24
"The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Pleasant words are as honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."
NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! ask, "What did you do ALL day, today, Dear?" (A wife will immediately think by that question that you don't feel she did anything!)
6. KEEP PRAISING YOUR WIFE. Notice the helpful things she does for you, the work she does around the house, etc. Find what you like about dinner and tell her. Etc!!
7. REMEMBER NICE THINGS PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND PASS IT ON TO HER. Keep praising your wife! Praise her in front of the children and they'll learn to do it, too.
8. HELP YOUR WIFE. There in nothing unmanly about helping her with housework; with after breakfast, lunch or dinner K.P.; with getting the kids dressed for church, school etc. Work with your wife as a helpful Captain of the team.
9. USE GOOD MANNERS WITH YOUR WIFE. Open the car door for her, make sure she's comfortable and buckled in on her side before you get in on your side of the car; walk beside her on the curb side when you're strolling down the street together; know how to gracefully handle a knife, fork and spoon; be able to identify the salad fork and use it properly; don't slurp your soup!; read a simple book on etiquette and do what it says. To summarize: DON'T BE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO HER! Every time you do something embarrassing, she identifies with you as if she had done it, too, because the two of you are one.
10. REMEMBER DAYS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO YOUR WIFE. A birthday is the one time every woman wants her past forgotten and her present remembered! A Christian husband will work to remember every special day -- birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas etc. and rewards his wife with special gifts and his time.
11. GIVE "UNBIRTHDAY PRESENTS" TO YOUR WIFE. "Unbirthday presents" are those special things you give her when there is no special occasion. They don't have to be expensive gifts, but they should be "romantic" and/or beautiful gifts. The only woman I ever saw who didn't like flowers was a florist! A wife loves to get flowers because it means her husband thought of her. A nightgown is a beautiful gift, just as long as you're sure you get it in her size! (If you get one too big, she'll think you think she's fat!) Use your imagination and make it a happy surprise. (WARNING: Few women like to get candy. When a woman sees candy she almost always starts to worry about the calories. Also, don't bring her a hammer! Don't try to improve your workbench with unbirthday presents!)
12. LEAVE LOVE NOTES FOR YOUR WIFE. Remember that if it's the first time you've written that kind of thing to her, be sure to use her first name! (Otherwise she's liable to think she's found something!) Leave the note for her to find after you've gone off to work.
13. WRITE YOUR WIFE A LOVE LETTER. Your wife knows how hard it is for you to write even a paragraph, let alone a whole letter! So, when you write a letter to her and mail it--she's going to love it and treasure it.
14. TAKE YOUR WIFE OUT FOR DINNER. Do it at least monthly. When a wife is taken to a restaurant she doesn't have to prepare the food or wash the dishes afterwards. Dinner dates are great for a romantic time together and also make among the best double-dates with another married couple.
REMEMBER - THERE'S MANY A GIRL WHO GOT MARRIED BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE TO SPEND HER EVENINGS ALONE AND THEN GOT A DIVORCE FOR THE SAME REASON!
15. DO SOME HANDIWORK IN THE HOUSE OR IN THE GARDEN FOR YOUR WIFE. Be sure it's something she cares about and not just your thing. Fix things for her, build things for her, beautify the home and garden for her.
16. KEEP YOUR THINGS PICKED UP AROUND THE HOUSE. don't leave things for her to pick up, ie. clothes, shoes, hobbies, magazines, etc. She's not your mother and don't make her feel like she is!
17. BE READY TO SAY, "I'M SORRY", TO YOUR WIFE. "I'm sorry", are words a leader needs to keep at hand. It is not cowardly to say them. In fact, it takes real strength. If you fail at any of the items mentioned here, ask for forgiveness and try again. One diplomatic husband said to his wife, "Why do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?!" That was a tactful statement worthy of applause. It isn't as good as remembering the birthday, but it's a whole lot better than acting as though it was all right to forget it.
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