12 major causes of divorce

Study No. 7
THE 12 MAJOR CAUSES OF DIVORCE.

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN
SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY
DIFFERENT LEISURE-TIME ACTIVITIES
DISAGREEMENT OVER HOW TO RAISE THE CHILDREN
FINANCIAL COLLAPSE
SEXUAL UNFAITHFULNESS
POOR RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER, CLOSE RELATIVES AND FRIENDS
THE COMPLAINT THAT "ALL THE FUN HAS GONE OUT OF THE MARRIAGE"
WOMEN'S LIB RELATED PROBLEMS
ALCOHOL OR DRUG ABUSE
PHYSICAL ABUSE
POOR OR NO SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIP

Husbands are responsible to train up their families in the way they should go. Until the marriage, the woman has every right to back out of the wedding and should if she's not happy in all twelve of these areas. Statistics prove the marriage has a poor chance if there is a problem in any of these areas. Statistics also prove that the marriage has almost no chance if there are problems in two or more of these areas. Following the wedding, the husband is in charge in all twelve areas and the wife must accept his way of working these things out. But, husband, you are responsible to lead in all twelve areas. If you are blaming your wife for failure in any of these areas, face the fact: you are out of step. Take authority. LEAD!

Don't be like Adam. I understand that Adam stood at the exit of the Garden of Eden, pointed back and said to his two sons, "There is the place where your mother ate us out of house and home!" Don't accuse. LEAD! (And lead with love.)

Otherwise you might face the attitude of a woman like Zsa Zsa Gabor who says, "I'm a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce I keep the house!!!"

THE FINANCIAL VALUE OF A WIFE

If your wife did the same things she does free in your home, here's what she'd have to be paid on the outside:

As COOK she works an estimated average of 13 hours a week, which, at the going rate of $5.50 per hour = $71.50
She does NURSEMAID services at least 45 hours a week, at $3.50 = $162.00
As DIETICIAN she spends at least one hour every week at the going wage of $7.50 per hour = $7.50
As FOOD BUYER she shops an average of 3 1/2 hours per week. Food buyers are paid $3.75 per hour = $13.13
As DISHWASHER she could be making $3.15 per hour. She works 7 1/2 hours a week doing your dishes = $23.63
As your HOUSEKEEPER, anywhere else she'd get $63.00 a week for the 17 1/2 hours a week she gives you free.
Add another $18.30 a week for her 6 hour weekly donation as LAUNDRESS
And there's the work of the SEAMSTRESS. She makes and repairs clothing an estimated hour a week. A seamstress makes $4.50 an hour on the open market = $4.50
And have you noticed the REPAIRS she's made on the furniture and the house in general? She works on that 2 hours a week. That would cost you $7.00 otherwise
Not only the inside gets her touch, but she's also a GARDENER 2 hours weekly. That's another $8.50 if she were someone else
Do you know what a CHAUFFEUR makes? He makes $10.50 an hour. She averages 5 hours each week driving the family all over town. That's $52.50 weekly

The total amounts to $431.56 a week or $1870.09 per month or $22,441.12 per year--and that's 103 hours and 30 minutes of work per week - and that's not counting overtime, holidays and bonuses that would have to be paid anyone other than your wife. (Work her value out at $1.53 = £1)

SOME MEN DON'T KNOW WHAT A WIFE IS WORTH UNTIL A JUDGE SETS THE ALIMONY PAYMENTS!!!

BE GLAD YOU HAVE A CHRISTIAN WIFE

In April, 1977, "Redbook Magazine" published the findings of a survey that proved the more religious a wife is, the better adjusted to life she is. These facts were listed:

1. The more religious a woman is, the happier she is. "The very religious woman, for example, is least likely to report feelings of anxiety, tension or worthlessness."

2. The very religious woman "suffers less from headaches and stomach upsets" than do women who are less sure of their beliefs.

3. Also, the very religious woman is "least likely to report a loss of sexual interest or pleasure during the past year and is most likely to say that her faith enhances her marriage and her sex life."

4. "Devout women feel confident of God's forgiveness, and this eases the pang of guilt and doubt that besets other people. Religion organizes one's life and gives it meaning, and that should lead to health and happiness."

COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

Marriage totally changes the lives of two adults. It requires dying to selfishness. It equally requires real communication. (Again, the average couple in the united States communicates 27 minutes a week -- remember that "communication" means "a stimulating conversation on both ends," but not an argument.)

A simple formula for solving problems together:

Define the problem
Discuss ways of solving it (write them down)
Decide on the very best plan
Both commit to following that plan

Problems DON'T go away by totally avoiding them. You need to communicate with your mate. Communicate, DON'T just talk. The dictionary defines "talking" as "to utter words." "To communicate" means "to transmit thoughts."

PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION

1. DECIDE YOU WILL COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR WIFE. This decision has to be made by the husband. Your marriage, according to God, makes you "like the Lord" to your wife (Eph.5:22, 1 Pet.3:6).

Hebrews 4:14-16
"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need."

Does your wife have a "great high priest" in her house that will give her "mercy and grace in time of need" just as our great high priest, Jesus, does for us? You are to be just like the Lord to your wife, ready to listen to her and bless her.

2. MINISTER TO HER NEEDS VERBALLY AND LET HER MINISTER TO YOURS. Reverend Peter Openshaw of New Zealand explains, "Do not react to the poor attitudes in your mate--rather assist the mate that is emotionally down. Minister to the needs of each other!" He goes on to write, "Usually both partners will not be emotionally down at the same time. It will be an either/or situation. It is the joy and duty of the partner who is not, at present, emotionally down to strengthen the one who is. When one is down emotionally, she (or he) needs help and encouragement, not reaction from others. Reacting to another's poor attitudes usually strengthens them. Reaction makes the person feel condemned, and she (or he) tends to retaliate by emphasizing his poor attitudes, so the result is just the opposite of what was desired. Understanding and encouragement tend to soothe the mate and better serve to correct the attitude." (NOTE: "No fair" being the mate who is always down!)

3. DON'T FORM YOUR RESPONSE UNTIL YOUR WIFE FINISHES TALKING.

... DON'T EVER INTERRUPT.
... DON'T EVER CONTRADICT.
... DON'T ANTICIPATE THE CONCLUDING THOUGHT.

James 1:19-20
"...let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."

Proverbs 18:13
"He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him."

A REAL ARGUMENT IS WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET IN THE LAST WORD FIRST!

4. AVOID NEGATIVE STATEMENTS. Statements like, "DON'T LISTEN TO ME. YOU'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT ANYWAY!" are the kind of sarcasm that turns a wife off and even helps to make her rebellious. Phrases like, "I can't stand..." used during a heated discussion may easily be received angrily by your wife as a weakness on your part (as if you should be able to stand anything!).

Angrily telling your wife, "YOU SHOULDN'T BE..." will simply make her defensive. In fact, all negative words need to come out of any times of disagreement. Words like, "DON'T!" "DIDN'T!" "SHOULDN'T!" "COULDN'T!" "CAN'T!" "NEVER!" "ALWAYS!" etc.

Also avoid negative predictions like "AT THE RATE YOU'RE GOING..."; "IF YOU KEEP (eating, smoking, anything she's doing that you don't like) YOU'RE GOING TO...(and then finish the sentence describing a disaster). Remember that Jesus said in Mark 11:23 that whatever we say is what we'll get if we really believe that it is going to happen. Your negative prediction can even make your listener so angry, she'll unconsciously carry out the prediction as a form of retaliation, even though it is self-destructive.

5. AVOID MAKING FACES. Remember what Harvard University discovered regarding a woman's intuition. Most wives can read a facial expression from a mile away or read body language in the same way.

So AVOID
... Pointing a finger at her (because she'll think you're accusing her).
... the "Will you ever learn?" expression.
... deeply distressed sighing and moaning.
... turning your head away from her.
... the hand to brow or looking down in disgust actions.
... raising your eyebrows while looking up towards the sky.
... shaking your head in a "no" fashion while your wife is speaking.
... pulling your hand or body away from your wife when she reaches out to touch you.
... any other facial expressions or body language that you may use when you're mad.

LEARN TO ATTACK THE PROBLEM - NOT THE PERSON! THE TEMPTER IS THE MOST DANGEROUS HIGH EXPLOSIVE KNOWN TO MAN!!!

Be sure both of you are fully rested before such times. God says there will NEVER be a time to verbally (nor any other way) attack your wife. In fact, the wisest words are those a husband doesn't say when he's angry (except to God)!

1 Peter 3:8-12
"To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. For 'LET HIM WHO MEANS TO LOVE LIFE AND TO SEE GOOD DAYS REFRAIN HIS TONGUE FROM EVIL AND HIS LIPS FROM SPEAKING GUILE. AND LET HIM TURN AWAY FROM EVIL AND DO GOOD; LET HIM SPEAK PEACE AND PURSUE IT. FOR THE EYES OF THE LORD ARE UPON THE RIGHTEOUS, AND HIS EARS ATTEND TO THEIR PRAYER, BUT THE FACE OF THE LORD IS AGAINST THOSE WHO DO EVIL.'"

A FOOLISH MAN TELLS A WOMAN TO STOP TALKING, BUT A TACTFUL MAN TELLS HER THAT HER MOUTH IS EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL WHEN HER LIPS ARE CLOSED!!!

6. SAY IT AGAIN. After your wife tells you something that is obviously important for you to have heard re-state what she has said in your own words. Listen fully and then say, "O.K. Now I think what you're saying is..." (and then repeat what you think she has said.) If you didn't get it right, give her opportunity to tell you so. You might not have heard her right, or she might not have told it well. But GET IT!!! Once she knows you know what she's said, she'll be able to rest easy and not keep saying the same thing.

7. HEAR YOUR WIFE WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN SOLVE HER PROBLEM. A wife cares most that you see how things look to her. Things may not be the way she sees them, but that isn't the issue she's making. She wants you to catch her vision, right or wrong. Let your wife explain. Let your wife complain. Her biggest need is to know that you care about her feelings. You may not be able to do anything about the problem, but your love for her will show through to her IF you listen and sympathize with her. DON'T ARGUE. NEVER SAY, "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT." (Such a remark guarantees in her mind that you don't care.) CARE! Find out what she's really saying. Discover what she's really worried about. Ask questions when she's finished pouring out her heart to you. Be sure you do understand her position (1 Peter 3:7 -- "...You husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way...") You may not be able to be Superman, solving every problem, but you are to be Superhusband, listening to and caring about your wife!

8. WRITE IT IF YOU CAN'T SAY IT. Someone returning from an Encounter Weekend and continuing to practice writing, rather than saying everything to their mate, wrote: "I liked the idea of writing things down. I find that I can be much more genuine when I write things, instead of taking a clue from the person I'm talking to. Also, when you're in the same room, and your partner writes a lot, or goes fast, you're intimidated by their response. I like being able to write exactly what I want to, at my own pace."

THE THING OPENED MOST OFTEN BY MISTAKE IS THE HUMAN MOUTH!!!

9. HOW TO END ALL ARGUMENTS. There are two things the Lord will allow to test a husband's love for his wife -- her cold feet in bed and her hot temper keeping him from bed!!! When a guy is single he often lies awake thinking of something she said. After marriage he may not be able to fall asleep until she's finished saying things!!! Two words can end the problem -- SAY "I'M SORRY!" EVERY LEADER NEEDS TO KEEP THOSE TWO WORDS HANDY!

When your wife understands that you see what she was saying:

She knows you understand her viewpoint (you can see it from her side)
You may still disagree after listening to her, but you've heard her
If the husband disagrees with his wife, he should consult the Lord and His Word for the right answer
The husband, under the Lord's Word, speaks the last word

MEN SHOULD CRY!

Men have often learned not to communicate. They're told as children, "Don't show your real feelings. Big boys don't cry." Husbands, let's get over that. The most masculine man who ever lived on this planet cried. The Bible tells us..."Jesus wept" (John 11:35). Not only should your wife be free to cry before you (with your acceptance, comfort and love), but you should feel free to cry in front of her, too.

CARE FOR EACH OTHER -- BE SENSITIVE TO EACH OTHER'S NEEDS.

Judith F. Van Heukelem said in a thought-provoking article in Journal of Psychology And Theology, summer '79, "We live in a fallen world, characterized by sin, loss, sorrow, pain, and distress...The human body can survive only limited amounts of stress. God, in His providence, has provided various tension releases, one of which is crying. "Scripture rarely condemns or disapproves of weeping or crying...Scripture, on the contrary, treats weeping and crying as normal and expected behaviour...The only instance that can be found of Jesus telling people not to weep are in cases where the loved one they were grieving for had been raised or was about to experience resurrection."

"REJOICE WITH THOSE WHO REJOICE, AND WEEP WITH THOSE WHO WEEP" (Romans 12:15)

TEMPTATIONS OF AN ANGRY HUSBAND

The two biggest temptations the husband will face:

1. Withdraw his love -- violating Ephesians 5:25.
2. Get bitter -- violating Colossians 3:19.

Bitterness takes two forms:

1. Angry outbursts -- general loud bellowing!
2. Silence (at home or purposely staying away from home.)

(Wives are fully capable of these above things, too.)

Silence is a deadly weapon to whoever uses it. Pent up anger causes ulcers, high blood pressure, etc. Don't let such poison get released in you.

KEEP A GENTLE, QUIET SPIRIT

A gentle, quiet spirit is not fighting a war inside. Both mates are to have gentle, quiet spirits. Be quiet, but not silent. Dear friends of mine hung up a sign in their home that read, "NO LOUD SHOUTING IN THIS HOUSE!!!" It was all the reminder they needed.

GOD'S ROADMAP FOR LIFE

Jesus gives us the power to lead our families when we give Him our will and then follow His instructions. Just read His directions (in the Bible), pray -- then DO WHAT HE SAYS.

Men don't reject the Bible because it contradicts itself, but because it contradicts them! But when the Bible is not used as the roadmap of life for you and your family then you have no standard for absolutes in your home.

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