Study No. 13
SEX IN MARRIAGE

FOREWORD
We live in a time where sex is exploited and abused -- from selling automobiles through to the strip joints on the streets of our major cities. Almost daily the major newspapers and electronic media speculate on the latest trends and philosophies concerning sex. In short, we live in an age where our thinking is warped and conditioned by the inescapable bombardment of the "world" thinking.

As I will amplify later in this chapter, God invented sex. It was designed as a beautiful expression between husband and wife behind the closed door of the bedroom. Many have so abused the beauty of this gift to mankind that they say, "More, More" with an insatiable thirst for sensuality, while others recoil at the thought of the subject ever being discussed in public.

What happens behind the bedroom door is private as far as other people are concerned. It is a matter between husband, wife and God. No one can intrude or legislate, for each couple will discover their own methods of expression as their desire to show affection and love for each other unfolds.

SEX IN MARRIAGE CANNOT BEDIVORCED FROM TRUE LOVE AND AFFECTION BETWEEN PARTNERS. This chapter seeks to spell out what the Word of God says on the subject of sex in marriage, within the context of true love and affection, desire for each other's mutual enjoyment and satisfaction, and desire for the highest good and development of character in our partner.

GOD'S BASIC INSTRUCTIONS TO A HUSBAND AND WIFE ABOUT SEX.

1 Corinthians 7:2
"But because of immoralities let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband."

NOTICE: One of the major reasons for marriage is to avoid immorality.

Paul said (paraphrase), "Because of the temptation toward immorality, avoid immorality entirely by getting married."

Hebrews 13:4
"Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed by undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge."

NOTICE: The word "undefiled" means "without blemish, complete, full, perfect, sincerely sound, without spot, upright; that which is not dirty, foul, corrupt or unclean." Marriage makes sex a pure experience between the married couple, but fornication (sex outside marriage) and adultery (sex involving a married person with anyone other than their mate) is sin.

1 Corinthians 7:3
"Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband."

NOTICE: Paul calls sexual intercourse in marriage a "duty". Some may chuckle at Paul's choice of words and feel he was naive about sex, but those who have been married for quite some time will generally acknowledge that he was right in using this word. It is a "duty" when either mate is tired, doesn't feel like it, would rather do something else, etc. NOTICE: IT IS A DUTY, EVEN AT SUCH TIMES. But this Paul is saying (paraphrase), "if the wife wants sexual fulfillment from the husband or the husband wants sexual fulfillment from the wife...GIVE IT!!!"

1 Corinthians 7:4
"The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."

NOTICE: The Greek word "authority" here means "the right of, justification over, or the power of." A wife is to relinquish the sexual rights of her own body to her husband. Likewise, the husband is to relinquish the sexual rights of his own body to his wife. In the physical area of marriage, it is a case of mutual submission. From marriage on, the body of each mate is given to the other. God is always extremely specific in His Word. If only parts of each body were given to the other, He would have named the parts. But God declared that the whole body belongs to the mate.

1 Corinthians 7:5
"Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again lest satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Thus those who would prescribe limitations for the married couple regarding their particular, mutually enjoyed involvement with each other's entire body, are adding to the Word of God. God has set no limits in the sex act other than the limits of exclusive "agape" love -- choosing to do the highest good for your mate.

Several Facts Are To Be Noted Here:
1. It is a command of God not to deprive your mate of sexual fulfillment with you. Your mate has a right to have sexual involvement and intercourse with you as often as your mate desires.

2. The only Scriptural grounds for withholding sexual involvement and intercourse is for a mutually agreed upon time of concentrated prayer. King James adds the words "and fasting" after "prayer",and that's probably the meaning here. Fasting tends to dissipate the sexual appetite. However, notice that it MUST be by mutual agreement. If either mate feels that they don't want their partner to fast because it would decrease their partner's desire for sex, then the mate shouldn't fast. A proper reading of this verse must lead the reader to realize that God holds sex at a higher spiritual plateau than He does fasting for a married couple -- if one or the other must be set aside.

3.. Notice that one of the things you must do after fasting (if fasting is meant to be included in this verse) is to "come together again". Paul is stressing that temptation is defeated by the married couple fulfilling each other's desires. Wear your mate out, and they won't ever have enough energy for anybody else!

4. Sexual involvement and intercourse in marriage are considered spiritual weapons against satan himself. Thus, a married couple who constantly involve themselves in a passionate relationship with each other are defeating the devil. There is no temptation for sex with others when both mates are continuously fulfilled by each other.

Q. "Who should be the aggressor if either the husband or the wife should want sex?"
A. 1 Corinthians 7:4 again -- the body of the husband belongs to the wife and the body of the wife belongs to the husband. If one wants the other physically, that one should be the aggressor. It's as right for the wife to arouse the husband as it is for the husband to arouse the wife.

SEX IN MARRIAGE IS MEANT TO BE "FUN".

Larry Christensen -- the man who might be called the "Father of Christian Teaching On Marriage" since his classic book "The Christian Family" - Larry writes, "We would never think of the hush! hush! naughty-naughty approach! Oh, No! No! We're far too enlightened for that." He then quotes several writers. Here are some of them: Sex is beautiful; "Sex is wonderful; Sex is a perfect blending of two personalities, an expression that takes in the whole range of man's being -- at once a physical, intellectual and spiritual encounter."; "In the act of sex a man and a woman express the essential unity which over-arches their separateness". And then Larry writes a totally realistic evaluation of what these writers have written: "All this may be more-or-less true, if one makes sex an object intellectual dissection. But where is the husband who embraces his wife with high thoughts of 'overcoming the separateness of their being in an act of over-arching unity?!' This is no man, but the invention of Christian apologists for sex, who imagine themselves commissioned to lift sex from the mundane level which it seems inevitably to occupy." Then Larry finished with my favourite line from his great book: he asks, "Isn't there anybody around to say that sex is FUN?!!!"

THE TRUTH ABOUT CONTRACEPTION

Except for abortions, there is one verse that deals with contraception pro or con in the entire Bible. Some people try to make an anti-contraception message from a verse in Genesis that tells us in Genesis 38:9, "that when Onan went into his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother." But that has nothing to do with contraception but with coitus interruptus. (The man withdrew from the woman before his climax.)

Q. "What is the best form of contraceptive?"
A. The fact is, nothing is foolproof. There are now five types of birth control available.

1. Natural "Rhythm" - (the only type acceptable to the Roman Catholic Church);
2. Mechanical - devices that keep the sperm from reaching the egg;
3. Chemical - solutions that kill the sperm;
4. Physiological - oral contraceptives that stop eggs from moving into position for conception;
5. Surgical - abortion or sterilization of one or both wife and/or husband (tubectomy for a wife, vasectomy for a husband).

THE RHYTHM METHOD
The "rhythm method" or planned and periodic abstinence from sex is based on the fertility of women for several days after ovulation. The Church counsels couples to avoid sexual intercourse during this period. The most specific major problem with this plan is that for women with irregular periods of ovulation, this requirement can mean abstinence from intercourse for three out of every four weeks. The "rhythm method" often really lacks "harmony" in married homes!

MECHANICAL DEVICE
Diaphragms and condoms are often messy and have to be used every time intercourse occurs. It is the unusual couple that doesn't find them interfering with the sheer joy of sex. They pose a problem as an "interrupter" just when things are getting started.

CHEMICAL DEVICES
These basically form the very same problems for couples that mechanical devices do, though they are generally more effective than a diaphragm with spermicide.

ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE (The Pill)
The pill uses two hormones that are natural to the female body in order to prevent an egg from developing in the ovary. Though too much, in many cases, has recently been made about the dangers of the contraceptive pill, research is still going on regarding the possible risks involved, and it will no doubt be years from now before the final results of its long-range effects are known. It is known now that women over 35 would generally be wise to consider an alternative contraceptive strategy for the rest of their reproductive life. It is also definite that women who smoke should avoid using the pill at all.

THE SYMPTO-THERMIC METHOD

1. The healthy man is always fertile - able to beget a child. The woman, however, has periods of fertility and infertility. As we have seen her cycle, the time between the first day of menstruation until the beginning of the next one, is regulated by natural hormones.
   
   Each cycle can be divided into three phases:
   
   1. The relatively infertile period, the time during and following the menstrual period when pregnancy is unlikely, but can occur if ovulation occurs early.
   2. The fertile period, the days just before and after ovulation when a woman can conceive.
   3. The absolutely infertile period, the time during which a woman cannot conceive because ovulation has occurred and the egg is no longer alive. This period begins about 10 to 12 days before the next commences and ends with the onset of the menstrual flow.
   
   Some women have short menstrual cycles - maybe 24 days long. Others have long cycles - 36 days or more. Still others have regular 28 day cycles. Regardless of the length of the cycle, we now know that ovulation occurs approximately 14 days before the menstrual flow begin. Because of this fact, it is very important that a woman knows the average length of her cycle when looking for the symptoms of ovulation.
   
   
2. Symptoms of Ovulation - The day of ovulation can be recognized by watching for certain symptoms.
   
   
   1. The simplest and most reliable sign that ovulation will soon occur is a feeling of wetness at the mouth of the vagina. This differ in the amount from the slight discharge that most women have on other days, it is more profuse. As the day of ovulation approaches, this white discharge from the vagina becomes more clear, sometimes even transparent, like an egg white. If a woman examines it on a piece of paper, she will notice that it is somewhat stringy and stretchy. In medical language this is called cervical mucus. Just as every woman knows the days when she has her menstrual period - her days of "red loss" - so is it possible for most women to recognise the days just before and during ovulation when she has the mucus or "white loss".
      
      
   2. Another symptom or sign of ovulation which some women can recognize is a sharp pain in their abdomen, like a knife jab. This is called a midpain or "mittleschmerz" in medical language and indicates that ovulation is taking place.
      
      
   3. Some women experience a slight fullness in their breasts on the days before ovulation which disappears as soon as ovulation has taken place. Others notice a small amount of pinkish blood or "spotting" at the vagina which is also a sign of ovulation.
      
   
   If a woman takes her temperature in the morning immediately upon awakening and then records it on a piece of graph paper she will notice that on the days following her "red loss" her temperature will be low. It remains at this low level until the time of ovulation. Then it rises sharply. It will remain at this higher level until shortly before her menstrual cycle begins at which time it dips down again and she has her days of "red loss". If, however, she has become pregnant because she has had intercourse with her husband during the fertile period, the temperature will not go down, but will remain at this higher level.
   

SURGICAL (Vasectomy - Tubectomy)
When a couple finally knows they have had as many children as they desire or they can afford, probably the best form to contraception is a vasectomy for the husband, providing that he doesn't feel a vasectomy would rob him of his manhood (a totally unbiblical thought). Some object that a vasectomy allows for immorality, but God doesn't allow for immorality, so it should pose no temptation of that kind for the Christian husband. If ever the couple decides they do want another baby, doctors are able to reverse the male sterilization procedure more than 50% of the time. According to doctors who perform such simple surgery, it can be done in a doctor's office with an anesthetic. Some husbands find themselves a bit tender for a couple of days following the procedure, but aside from a momentary discomfort, it is 99% effective as a contraceptive. Some studies show dangers of increased heart problems and/or higher blood pressure among men who have had vasectomies, but other studies disagree. Nearly all doctors favour it to any other permanent form of contraceptive.

A wife's tubectomy (having her tubes tied) can be reversed but has a much lower success rate, and appears slightly more dangerous, according to study reports.

NEVER TOO OLD FOR SEX.

Thomas Aquinas released elderly couples to enjoy married sex. He was right. An 84 year old professor was once asked during a sex lecture, "At what age does a person stop having desire for sex?" The professor thought for a moment and then answered, "I really do not know, but it has to be sometime after a person who is 84." It is true however, that older people do need to understand that there may come a slowing down of their initial sexual response which, when younger, may have been much faster. The same erection that in younger years may have taken only seconds, may take a husband 60 years old or over, five to eight minutes to appear even with direct stimulation. That doesn't mean he's becoming impotent nor that he's losing his sexual ability. It just means (as with other parts of his body) his activity level is slowing down. It's nothing to be anxious about, nor to quit having intercourse about. An "Optimist" is described as a man who, at the age of 85, gets married and begins looking for an apartment near an elementary school!

The age of a woman doesn't matter either. Although most women show the greatest sexual interest between the ages of 20-40, women of all ages can thoroughly enjoy sex. A woman over 60 may find that she doesn't lubricate as quickly (lubrication is the wife's first visible sign of sexual response) an older woman may take several minutes to respond physically.

A few church spokesmen changed negative attitudes even more following the new teachings of Aquinas.

THE BEST DAYS FOR SEX.

A 16th Century tract was handed to all churches forbidding sex during all holy days and seasons. "In addition", the tract read, "abstinence is advice..on Thursdays, in remembrance of Christ's arrest;...on Fridays, in remembrance of Christ's crucifixion;...on Sundays in remembrance of the resurrection;...on Mondays, in respect for departed souls. At the bottom of the tract, in small print, were the words, "on Tuesdays and Wednesdays marriage partners may go ahead and satisfy their basic instincts!!!"

Far more Biblical and refreshing is the humour of Christian lecturer Josh McDowell. Josh tells his listeners that he has done scientific research on which days of the week are best for sex in marriage. He says he's found that they are all days that begin with the letter "T" -- Tuesday and Thursday; TODAY and TOMORROW; TATURDAY AND TUNDAY!!!"

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