Study No. 15
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "OVERSEXED"

The words "oversexed" or "undersexed" are meaningless. Everything involved in sex has to be agreed upon by the married couple. You should make up your on minds together. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 proves that the wife is to submit to her husband sexually, but also the husband is to submit to his wife sexually. This passage also proves that it is a command of God that the two are to submit to each other and have sex whenever the other wants it. It is not a matter of agreeing what not to do, but a matter of agreeing what to do. The whole emphasis of this passage (and everything else God says about sex within the pages of the Bible) is DO IT!!! It is a positive word and never a negative word. As David Edwards says, "Sex in marriage is a Biblical command to fulfill. It isn't a favour and it isn't a reward. He doesn't get it because he takes out the garbage -- or because he doesn't take it out! It isn't intended as something only for birthdays and Mother's Day!"

A TIP FOR WIVES

Wife -- be the aggressor whenever you want him. His body belongs to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband anything that feels good, anything you like. (Husband tell your wife the same.) Rejoice in any good feeling.

Q. "I don't feel what I'm supposed to feel while making love. What's the secret of how to receive good feelings in sex?"
A. The answer is found in Luke 6:38a, "Give and you shall receive ..." Your bodies belong to each other. Give yours to your mate. Make love to him or her rather than getting caught up in trying to "feel" something and you'll begin to feel plenty.

ANY SEXUAL ACT BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE THAT IS A PLEASURE TO THEM BOTH IS NOT A PERVERSION.

SOME MORE TIPS FOR BOTH OF YOU.

1. LOOK GOOD FOR EACH OTHER. (One woman over-did this. She used so many oils, when her husband reached for her in bed she slipped out of his hands!!!)
   
   
2. SEX ISN'T JUST FOR BED-TIME. Be creative. It's for whenever either wants the other. (Husband, let love guide that. If company's coming in half an hour, there probably isn't time!)
   
   
3. KEEP YOUR BODIES CLEAN. If either of you feels "unclean", take a shower or bath together! Some marvellous lovemaking can take place in the shower or bathtub. Never break the atmosphere once you've begun making love. A wife who feels "unclean" and needs a bath before passion will find if she leaves her primed husband for ten minutes that when she returns, he'll be stretched across the bed fast asleep! It is true -- you can't take too many baths. STAY CLEAN!!!
   
   
4. THE MORE OFTEN YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE -- THE BETTER THINGS WILL BE. Paul was very definite in 1 Corinthians 7:5 about not holding back from each other. Lovemaking and intercourse, becoming completely and passionately engrossed in each other, can only help strengthen your marriage -- as long as the two of you are exclusively involved with each other.
   
   
5. SEX ISN'T MEANT TO "ACHIEVE" ANYTHING. It is obvious in reading 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, and verse 9, that sex was never meant to be used just for having babies. Sex is meant to be fun! It's not done to prove that you are a man or a woman -- that's an established fact!
   
   
6. PUT A LOCK ON YOUR BEDROOM DOOR. Just as before you married each other you both may have given each other a lock of hair to say, "I love you", now give each other a lock on your bedroom door to say, "I love you". That's especially true if you have children or anyone else at your house. That's even psychologically good if the two of you live alone. A lock on the door heightens privacy and gives greater freedom to lovemaking. It's a good thing to lead your mate into that room any time of the day or night. But without a lock, terribly embarrassing things can happen -- like a little child entering at just the wrong time and saying, "Hi, Mummy!!!" Get a lock fast!
   
   
7. A WIFE MUST BE TREATED WITH AFFECTION, KINDNESS, RESPECT AND SECURITY. Most women have a very sentimental feeling about sex. Dan Benson says in his marvellous book, 'The Total Man', "I'm becoming convinced that the average male could probably have sex and reach climax right in the middle of a bitter argument, an air raid, or 'Jaws'!" When that urge strikes us, the mood and surrounding may make little difference. But a woman needs much more. Every husband needs to give his wife affection, kindness, respect and security. A husband shouldn't force something on his wife that she's not ready emotionally to do or receive. A wife needs that kind of security. Keep distracting noise away during lovemaking too. They'll make a wife nervous.
   
   
8. A HUSBAND MUST BE TREATED WITH PASSIONATE RESPONSE AND LOOK AT SEX AS A "CONQUEST". A husband often wants to feel irresistible. He wants to feel like a He-man lover who takes a sweet, young, innocent virgin and turns her into a passionately, uncontrolled, wild lover, too. Wife -- like it! Go ahead and let him love you. Remember, give and you shall receive. Be completely unselfish. Forget how you feel and do everything to bring pleasure to your mate.
   
   
9. A WIFE GENERALLY RESPONDS TO WHAT SHE HEARS. Love-talk needs to come from the husband during lovemaking. He needs to say whatever kinds of things she likes to hear. Talk this over with her. Some wives are turned on by romantic statements. Others are stimulated by intimate words that would only be used between a husband and wife. (They might shock any other ears or even be out of place at any other time, but between husband and wife during lovemaking, they are blessed by God. Remember some of the things Solomon said!)
   
   
10. A HUSBAND GENERALLY RESPONDS TO WHAT HE SEES. Dress (or undress) for lovemaking the way he likes. It's just between the two of you. Some men have deep desires for what they want their wife to wear -- a tight black sweater, a bathing suit, nothing etc. Satisfy him! (And do leave off the hair-curlers!) Leave at least some light on in the room. You want him making love to you (not being left in the dark, trying to remember what you look like!) The light guarantees that he'll focus his lovemaking on you and not on some woman of his imagination.
    
    

ANY SEXUAL ACT IS ACCEPTABLE, PROVIDED IT IS PERFORMED IN PRIVACY, WITH FULL AGREEMENT BETWEEN THE MARRIED COUPLE AND WITH NO PAIN TO EITHER.

11. PAIN SHOULD NOT OCCUR DURING ANY PART OF THE LOVEMAKING. Except in the breaking of the hymen on the wedding night, pain is almost always a complaint of the body that something unnatural is being forced upon it. "Agape love stops and would never force pain on anyone." (Today, because of the heavy physical exercise most girls enjoy, even pain on the wedding night doesn't occur because of the hymen being broken long before the woman ever has intercourse.) Any unexplainable pain should be checked by a doctor.
    
    

THERE IS NOTHING IMPURE IN MARRIED SEX AS LONG AS THE TWO MAKE LOVE TO EACH OTHER EXCLUSIVELY.

12. TOUCH IS STIMULATING TO BOTH THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE. Touching and kissing sensitive parts of the body are very important in getting each other ready for intercourse.
    
    Margaret Hardisty, in her outstanding Christian book, "Forever My Love", cautions husbands, by saying, "Whatever you do, don't rush her. A man who thinks five minutes is enough preparation is kidding himself. That length of time is welcome only to the woman who isn't enjoying her experience and wants to get it over with. Be prepared to take whatever time is necessary. Let her decide and act accordingly. Generally, 20 minutes to a half hour is realistic, if she is in the habit of reaching a climax, but 45 minutes to an hour may be necessary as you start to discover each other all over again. Sometimes women like to be handled passionately, and sometimes gently. You'll have to heed your understanding and her responses concerning that. But usually a good rule is to keep your caresses gently until her passions begin to rise. Her intimate parts shouldn't be approached right away either. The body is a beautiful thing to behold and to caress. If your wife has a block about you touching any part of her body or about her touching any part of your body, she needs to be released from her unnatural fears, for her reluctance is no virtue. Indeed, certain parts of her body have to be caressed at length, with her willing participation, if she's ever to enjoy sexual arousement and the final delight of orgasm."
    
    There is some similarity between the clitoris (a small organ near the entrance of a woman's vagina) and the male sex organ. Both are extremely sensitive to touch. Margaret Hardisty again points out that husbands need to become skilful "in manipulating and gently massaging" their wife's clitoris "patiently and at length, before actual intercourse. A woman's breasts are also a point of contact for sexual arousement, especially the nipples. But remember...a wife's breasts or her clitoris shouldn't be pressed hard unless she indicates to you that that's what she wants. If the husband will continue to massage the clitoris and the nipples and continue to caress his wife in sensitive places, he will bring her to the point of signalling when she is ready for intercourse."
    
    
13. THE "PROPER" POSITION IS THE ONE YOU BOTH LIKE BEST.
    Q. "Is the so-called "missionary position" of husband on top of wife the only "Biblical" position for a husband and wife to have intercourse?"
    A. Absolutely not! -- though it's fine. Gifted Christian writer, Ingrid Trobisch points out that many Africans laugh at such a position, because the question of position is a cultural one -- it's not instinctive or Biblical. Each couple should experiment until they find the position (or positions) they particularly enjoy -- then try some more!
    
    

THE TRAGEDY IS THAT IN REACTING TO THE REAL SIN OF SEX OUTSIDE MARRIAGE, FAR TOO MANY CHRISTIANS HAVE IGNORED GOD'S WORD AND HAVE FEARED THEIR OWN MARRIAGE LOVEMAKING.

"THE MARRIAGE BED IS UNDEFILED"

YOU HAVE TO DECIDE TOGETHER WHO SHOULD HAVE A CLIMAX FIRST. In frank and open discussions with a multitude of husbands and wives together, I've discovered that some couples enjoy having the husband climax first and others enjoy the wives climaxing before the husband. There are many who don't care which and a few who do practice trying to climax together (though that can require far too much work and may spoil the real fun of it all).

A WIFE NEEDS TO REACH A CLIMAX -- JUST AS A HUSBAND NEEDS TO REACH A CLIMAX. It's not unusual to find a woman who has never reached a climax even though she's been married a few years. That's often the result of the Victorian attitude she grew up endorsing. It's also true that man women reach several climaxes during one session of lovemaking. Women's climaxes are very individual. The husband and the wife need to talk this over, with the wife being very explicit in this area. Otherwise a wife may feel very dissatisfied sexually. But a woman who has never reached a climax with her husband's help may be wondering why she so often feels tense and irritable. If she will give herself freely to her husband, the problem can be solved. Sometimes, however, husbands haven't learned what to do about it. The answer is -- if the man does reach his climax first, then he should use his finger and softly massage his wife's clitoris, rubbing tenderly with his finger or thumb until she asks him to increase the pressure. This will bring her to the climax. It's clean, it's pure and it's urgent.

The word "clitoris" in Latin means "little key". The clitoris is the little key that ultimately brings the wife to the climax. The clitoris is a most interesting part of a woman's body. It is the only part of the human anatomy that is designed for one purpose only -- pleasure. God gave it no other earthly use!

KEEP ON TELLING EACH OTHER WHAT YOU LIKE. You're married -- and you're meant to be so at ease with each other that a suggestion from one to the other ought to be lovingly received and experimented with. Take turns giving, rather than just getting. One night make it his night, wife, and let him tell you what he wants from your body. Next night, make it her night, and let her dictate the action. Your bodies belong to each other. If conversation about sex is difficult for either one of you, write letters to each other, telling each other what you like. Be very kind and thoughtful of your mate's feelings if you express anything that you don't like.

You both, being totally honest with each other, may be totally satisfied with what you have now and in no way want to add to it. But, if either one is still wanting more -- please be freed to do more.

Start now (if you aren't satisfied) determined that you are going to have not just a 'good' sex-life, but a 'great' one. It's a duty (1 Corinthians 7:3) until it becomes a joy. But with patience from the eager and sacrificial effort from the less eager, sex between the two of you will deeply fulfill you through out your lifetime together.

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