Once again, apologies to the fairer-haired ladies.....
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." She says,"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
A young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes to get her hair done. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlour?"
A blonde walks into a pawn shop. She looks around for a while and then approaches the clerk. "I would like to buy that TV over there." The clerk says, "I am sorry lady, but we don't serve blondes here." The blonde leaves in a huff. The next day she returns wearing a brunette wig. "I would like to purchase that TV over there." Again the clerk says, "Lady I told you yesterday, we do not serve blondes." Now the blonde is furious. The next day she dresses like a man. She approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice, "I would like to purchase that TV over there." The clerk says, "Lady, I told you twice already. We do not sell to blondes!" She says to the clerk, "How can you tell? Yesterday I wore a wig and today I am dressed like a man. How can you tell it is me?!?!" He laughs and replies, "Because that's a microwave."
Thanks to John Mould
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their accounts, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Before leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, not a cent less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her only the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
Thanks to Andy Arnold
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you a natural Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to
rain and the top is down!"
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she
goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in
bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with
her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds, then hides the picture and asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
He then flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "Think hard before giving me another stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Thanks to Mike Sturgeon
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain
at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big
blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their
worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my
full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women
at large - all in the name of humour."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that
little bastard on your
knee!"
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.
A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal-mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K-mart."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, if you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of 'yes/no' type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes. Then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?" The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off. Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women. The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job." Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labour. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"
A blonde and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde said you're on. Sure enough the man jumped so the blond starts to dig out her money. The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "that's ok, I cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night. The blonde said "Well so did I, but I didn't think he would jump twice in a row!!
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
80,000 Blondes are in Wembley Stadium for a 'Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention'. The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer." One blonde steps up. The compere says to her, "What's 15 plus 15?" After 15 or twenty seconds she says "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance". The compere says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you, and the world-wide press here, I guess we can give her another chance." So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?" The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen the blonde starts crying and 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance". The compere, unsure whether or not his is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK,last chance, what's 2 plus 2?" The girl dries her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "4". Around the stadium 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
Thanks to Mike Sturgeon
Two blondes went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Sharon says to Tracey "How we gonna tell who owns which pig?" Tracey
says "I Know! I'll cut one of the ears off my pig, and then we can tell them apart".
"Good idea!", says Sharon.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Sharon stormed into the house.
"Tracey," she said "Your stupid pig has chewed an ear off my pig. Now we've got two pigs with only one ear each. How are we gonna tell who owns which pig?".
"Well, Sharon" says Tracey, "I'll cut the other ear off my pig. Then we'll be able to tell them apart again."
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Sharon again stormed into the house.
"Tracey," she said "Your stupid pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we've got two
pigs with no ears! How are we gonna tell who owns which pig?" "This is serious Sharon" said Tracey, "How about I cut the tail off
my pig. Then we'll have two pigs with no ears and only one tail between them." "Good idea." says Sharon.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Sharon stormed into the house once more.
"TRACEY!" shouted Sharon "YOUR STUPID BLOODY PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFF
MY PIG AND NOW WE'VE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO
BLOODY TAILS! HOW THE HELL ARE WE GONNA TELL THEM APART NOW?"
"Oh Dammit" says Tracey "Why don't you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."
A blonde woman named Babbette found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She desperate and decided to ask God for help. She began to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night came and somebody else won. Babbette again prayed. "God, please let me win the Lottery! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night came and Babbette still had no luck. Once again she prayed. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the Lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened, and Babbette was confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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