The Snoring Dog
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever we were, we got first and second place."
The Field Trip
A spinster schoolteacher took her fifth-grade charges on a
field trip to a country fair. There was a race track on the grounds and she asked them whether they would enjoy seeing
the horses. The children enthusiastically exclaimed they would, but as soon as she got tehm inside the gate,
they all requested to be taken to the lavatory. She accompanied the little girls, but sent the boys to the men's room alone.
They trooped out almost immediately and announced that the facilities were too high for them to reach.
The situation was an awkward one, but after looking about to make sure she was unobserved, the teacher ushered the
boys back in. She lined them up before the plumbing and moved methodically down the line. After lifting several,she came to one who was unusually heavy.
"Goodness," she exclaimed, "are you in the fifth?"
"Hell no, lady," came the startled reply. "I'm riding Blue Grass in the third."
The Suppository
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The
doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his
breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it
yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he
couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady
him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.
"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, "What is it then?"
He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."
Dry Cleaning
Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours,
one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The
old lady is gonna kill me. The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you
got twenty bucks?" The first says, "Yeah, why?" The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front
pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy
threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.
The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says,
"Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you
got to say for yourself?"
He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my
front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills. She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"
He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"
The Priest And The Frog
One fine, sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest. He was
walking by a small stream when, sitting on a nearby toadstool, he noticed a sad, sad-looking frog. "What's wrong with you?" said the priest. "Well,"
said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog." "Really!" said the
priest, "Can you explain?" "Once upon a
time I was an 11-year-old Choirboy at your very church. I too was walking by this stream when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest.
"Let me pass!" I cried, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy
and with a flash of her wand, turned me into the frog you now see before you." "That's an incredible story!" said the priest. "Is there no way of
reversing the witch's spell?" "Yes," said the frog. "It is said that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth
and a good night's sleep, I will wake up as a boy again." "Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and forthwith picked up the frog and took him home.
He gave him lots of food, placed him by the fire, and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. And lo and behold! Miracle of miracles!
For, when he awoke the next morning, there was the 11 year old Choirboy beside him in bed.
And that, your Honour, is the case for the Defence.
Thanks to Andy Arnold
Raisin Bread
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he quickly requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch!"
A Rushed Marriage
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
Alzheimer's or AIDS?
A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.
One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another patient's, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out."
The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, doc, what should I do until then?"
"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house. If she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"
Willy Contest
Three third graders, a Catholic kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Catholic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Catholic and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a maths test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis.'"
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
The Stammer
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc? The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords." The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?" The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one." The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope. Aaaa ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
A Trip To The Vets
Sat in a vet's waiting room were two dogs, an Alsatian and a Doberman. "What brings you in here?" asks the Doberman, looking across at the Alsatian. "It's a sad story." said the Alsatian, "You really wouldn't want to hear it". "Come on." replied the Doberman. "It often helps to tell someone else". "Well," said the Alsatian, "It all started with my master. He didn't really care about me, in fact I don't think he really liked me very much. He never used to fed me properly, and whenever he went out to work or anywhere else, he just used to lock me out in the back garden. That was the main problem you see, next door were two of the nastiest kids you ever met. They used to throw stones at me, throw water over me, and just keep yelling, so I never could get any sleep. Anyway, what with the lack of sleep and food, one day I just snapped. I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped over the fence, leapt onto the two brats and savaged them to death".
"Wow!" said the Doberman, "So I suppose you are in here to be put down?" "Yeah" replied the Alsatian. "But I don't care, it was worth it just to finally get some rest. But what about you?" asked the Alsatian. "What brings a Doberman into a vets?" "Ah! well." answers the Doberman. "A strange turn of events really. You see I was lying on the carpet in the living room in my master's house, warming myself in front of the fire. The master was off down to the pub, and the mistress was up stairs having a shower. Anyway, the telephone rings and the mistress comes down to answer it wrapped in a towel. Apparently the master had forgotten to set the video to record the match and rang to ask her to do it. So she hangs up, goes over to the video recorder and bends down in front of it. As she does so, the towel falls off". "Well," continued the Doberman, "I'm as red blooded as the next dog. There was no way I could resist it! Quick as a flash, I was up behind her, and BANG!, gave her one right there!!"
"Jeessus on a bike!!" exclaimed the Alsatian. "I bet that gave her a surprise she won't forget in a hurry. So you're in here for the same thing as me then?"
"Oh No! Not quite" said the Doberman. "She's just brought me here to get my nails clipped!!"
Magic Russian Vodka
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
Thanks to Lee Briggs.
The Lover
The lovers
passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to
their own tattoo.
The lover ran
into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back,
her husband came through the bedroom door.
Before she
could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands
together in mid-air.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
The Drinker
A man walks into a bar and orders 12 beers. He pounds them all back and then walks out of the bar. The next night the same man walks into the bar and orders 24 beers. He throws them all back, plays some pool, does a bit of dancing, and then leaves. The bartender makes a mental note that this guy sure as hell knows how to drink.
The very next night the same man walks into the bar and orders 36 beers. Once again he drinks all of them in one sitting and then goes home. The bartender had never seen anything like this in all his years working.
The next night the same man walks into the bar and orders only one beer. The bartender shocked, asks why the man only wants one beer. The man replies, "Last night I blew chunks". The bartender says "Well that's understandable guy, you did after all drink a case-and-a-half of beer. I would have puked after 15".
The man replies "No you don't understand...Chunks is my dog".
The Facelift
There
is a lady who goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll
have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "No,"
the woman replies, "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to
come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a
new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and
they disappear." "That's what I want," exclaims the lady.
"Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's
office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!," the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever
made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these
bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts,
"those aren't bags, those are your tits. And if you don't leave that screw
alone, you're going to have a beard!"
Thanks to John Mould
The Nudist Colony
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me"? Bob replies "No, what do you mean"? She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's the rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me".
Smiling, she leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The HUGE MAN says, "Sir, did you call for me? " Bob replies "No, what do you mean?" "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?".
Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities." Bob replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!
Thanks to Mike Sturgeon
Is This It?
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said
I had another 40 years?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Rent
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for
$500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before
he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that
he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent
of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
Thanks to Lee Briggs
The Farmer
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . .
Some things you just can't explain."
Teen Sex
A 15 year old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone.
Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said, "It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts
hitting on you, you ask him 'what will be the name of our baby?', that will scare them off." So off she went.
After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and little by little kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What
will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her
neck, her shoulders...she stopped him and asked him about the baby's name, he ran off.
Later on another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his condom, tied it in a knot and said, "If he gets out of this one...David
Copperfield!"
A Trip To Italy
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 20 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five Minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down As he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?
Thanks to Rupert Matthews
A Visit to the Proctologists
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"
At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"
Thanks to Lee Briggs
The Memory Man
A
Scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white pants, wrinkled face.
"Who's he?" said the Scouser.
"That's the Memory Man," said the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out."
So the Scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English
football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?" "Liverpool", replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds, was the reply."
"And the score?"
"2-1"
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St John" was the old man's reply.
The Scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back to Liverpool.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually,
he found the bar again, and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian, only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so
impressed, the Scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting "How"
The Memory Man replied immediately..."A beautiful diving header from the six yard box!"
Thanks to Rupert Matthews
The Miracle Baby
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in
and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway and raised
him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and
tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!"
The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement. Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying
and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"
But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair. By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached
down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on is new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the
right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.
The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it,
muttering,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Thanks to Andy Arnold
The Two Priests
One morning, two priests headed to the showers. It wasn't until they were already in the shower that they both realized they did not bring any
soap. Father Bob decided he'd run back for the soap, so he checked out the hallway. There was no one around, so rather than get
dressed, he decided to make a run for it. He checked the hall before heading back to the
showers. All clear! He made a break for it, but just as he turned the corner to the showers, he spotted three nuns walking towards him. With
nowhere to go, he stood perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap, hoping the nuns
would think he's a statue. "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most lifelike statue you've ever seen?" the first nun said. She stepped up for a
closer look, reached out and gave a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie.
Startled, he dropped the first bar of soap. "Oh heaven's!" the nun exclaimed, "I got a bar of soap." The second nun, amazed at how
realistic the statue looked, stepped closer and gave the priest's weenie a couple
of tugs. The priest dropped the other bar of soap. "My goodness, I got a bar of soap too!" The nuns couldn't believe it. The third nun,
overcome by the miracle statue, walked up to it and gave the priest's weenie a couple of tugs. "My god, this is amazing," she said. "I got hand
lotion!"
Go on! Send one in! 
You might even get a mention!
