The Joke Files Page 2

Bad News, Good News, Great News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was  greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Heaven?

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair,
he has his first meeting with the devil............
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...you're dead anyhow.
What about Drugs?!?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays

Thanks to Andy Arnold

The Old Lady Midget

One cold winter's day a lady midget hobbled into a doctor's office. After waiting her turn for an hour, she finally got in to see the doctor and reported that she was suffering from a severe irritation between the legs. "Is the pain a constant one?" he asked. "No," she said. "I notice it mostly when I go out on cold, snowy days." "Well, sit up on this table and let's examine you," said the doctor. He instructed her to lift her skirt, studied the situation, then produced a pair of medical shears from among his instruments. While she waited fearfully, he began snipping. "Aren't you going to use an anesthetic?" she asked. "That won't be necessary," he reassured her. "All right, he said at last. "Get down from the table and try walking now." She did so, and reported, amazed, "Why I feel wonderful! What did you do?" "It was simple," said the doctor, "I just cut two inches off the tops of your galoshes."

The Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview. "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. "One," said the lad. "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man. "How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted. "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck." "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment. "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's fucked - you might as well go fishing.' "

The Rectum Stretcher

This guy is doing 80mph down the road, and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?" The guy says, "I'm late for work." The Cop says "What do you do?" The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The Cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?" The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The Cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."

The Captains Log

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto." Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night." Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - SPLAT and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first."

Thanks to Lee Briggs.

The Pianist

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town. "Where's the goddamn, mother fucking manager, you cock-sucking arse wipe?" he politely enquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here? I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes sir I am", replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "Fuck off", replies the bloke, "and where's the fucking piano?" "Pardon", says the manager. "Fucking deaf as well are you, you little piece of sniveling shit? Show us your pissing piano". "Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job", and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can" and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb, what's it called"? "I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob," replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke then proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent", cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to wank over the washing machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. 

"And what's this called"? asks the manager. "As I fuck you under the stars with the moolight shining off your hairy ring piece", replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little G string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on a celery leaf. Anyway, it's too much for the poor bloke and he runs off to the toilets to wrestle with his bald headed champ. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice. "Where's that bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his load and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jissum on your shoes?".

The bloke replies, "Know it.......I fucking wrote it"!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Lee Briggs

The Nasty Parrot

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Parachuting

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!". "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'" "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little.... at first."

Elastic Band

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancé thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that? The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Castrating Headache

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution: "The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.", the salesman said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."  

Golf Accident

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Blonde Prison Break

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "WOOF!", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

Hispanic Travel

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins!

Mexico Bungee Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need… a tower, elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give thecrowd a demonstration. As the first guy gets prepped up, the second guy walks way back behind the crowd to get a good view of everything. The first guy finally jumps. He disappears behind the mass of people, and then bounces back up, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that his friend has a few cuts and scratches. Assuming the cord was too long allowing his friend to scrape the ground, he starts rushing towards his friend. The first guy falls again, bounces as the bungee cord gets taught and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy is still trying to get through the crowd to help his friend. As the bungee cord reaches its recoil maximum, the first guy is once again headed back towards the ground and then bounces once again back into the air. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally gets to the front of the crowd and catches his friend asking, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first mumbles, "No, the cord was fine... but what the HELL is a pinata?"

Bar Prostitute

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible" "Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blowjobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous." "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that." She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan"

Night out with the guys

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys. So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"

Elderly Love

John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a retirement home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got with each other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?" Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed. Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand. This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together for two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?" A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."

Men Never Listen

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Midget Horse

This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over". The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears. "OK, finally, I would like to see her twat." With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out. Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

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