Observations    

Things that make you think!

Those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through ATM's?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for 'thesaurus'?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you have only one?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is there only on Monopolies Commission?

Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 

Why is it that when men are driving and looking for an address, they turn down the volume on the radio?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything 
outdoors?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to I.V.'s as "4's"?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. If you tell him a bench has wet paint, why does he has to touch it?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? 

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? 

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Additions courtesy John Mould