Quickies
Quickies
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Thanks to John Mould
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."
This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed
laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look
ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and
jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Did you hear about the newlywed dyslexic couple who were tragically killed
on their honey moon?
They broke their necks trying to do a 96!
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," the doctor said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've been used."
Q: What's the difference between a lost golf ball and a mounted policeman?
A: One's a hunt on a course.
Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering "Take me Paddy. Take me now!" Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it. Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready. Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!" Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!
Two Irishmen in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."
Q: 50 Santas in a field, which one's gay? A: Clause 28.
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling and he answers, "I've never been better. I've got an eighteen year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says. "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day, he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. "Bam" The beaver drops dead in front of him. "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "Exactly!" says the doctor.
Q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?
A: Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on. "The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you?" The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese!
A local man had a girlfriend whose name was Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clare Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her as well, and after a short while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But he was a loyal man, and he wouldn't get involved with Clare while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The man stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...
"I can see Clare Lee now, Lorraine is gone..."
Hey! I don't write them OK!
A guy takes the prettiest girl in town out for a date. On the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A guy comes home from work, and to his surprise he finds his wife laying in bed rubbing cream all over her tits. Perplexed, he said 'Why the hell are you doing that?'. She replies, 'I read that doing this will make them grow bigger.' The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Shit! Go get the toilet paper - it did your ass a world of good'
Q: What have a Kodak and a condom got in common?
A: They both capture that 'special moment'.
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time . . . and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really
old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You!!!!!' and I holler back, "Fuck You too."
Q: Why are wedding dresses white?
A: All household appliances come in white.
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on." The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you?" The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."
An Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles. "No, not worth it!" "OK, how about 50 rubles?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife is not worth it."
A man walked into the hospital emergency room with a ten inch vibrator stuck in his rectum. He stuck to his story and repeatedly said that he had no idea how it got there. The resident physician ordered a full set of X-rays. He then told the man that they found out how the vibrator got stuck in his rectum: The gerbil dragged it in.
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?" Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?" She replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."
Thanks to Lee Briggs.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
Thanks to Lee Briggs.
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly "damn!" The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?"
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. The man says, "Can you brew tea?" The Irishman says, "Yes." "Good. Can you drive a fork lift?" The Irishman looks at him and says, "Why, how big is the teapot?"
A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Ma, I got married." Her mother said, "Oy, that's great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab Sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. Before I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother said, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
A guy and a girl
met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the
girl's place for a drink.
One
thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more
passionate. After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'
The
girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'
The
English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet.
There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of
meat, and we don't even have a freezer...
The
Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new
car for $8000, and she can't even drive...
The
Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told
me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her
packing her case and she took nearly 400
condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole". To that the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!". "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
A city gent was driving through the countryside when his car suddenly sputtered and rolled to a stop. "I've got plenty of petrol," he thought, "so it must be the motor." He lifted the bonnet and tinkered with this and that, but couldn't figure out what was wrong. "The trouble is with the carburettor," a deep voice behind him said. But when he turned all he could see was a bull. "Did, uh, did you, er, say something?" the gent asked. "Yes," the bull replied. "I said the trouble is with the carburettor." Then he walked toward the car and peered under the hood. Meanwhile, the man took off like a shot for a farmhouse down the road, where he told what had happened. "Is this a big bull with a sort of floppy left ear?" the farmer asked. "That's the one!" "Well, I wouldn't pay much attention to him," the farmer said. "That bull, he doesn't know as much about cars as he thinks he does."
Thanks to Mike Sturgeon
"Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife any more. " Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man... and your brother!
A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live." The patient is shocked, "Jeez! What's the good news then, doctor?" The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" The patient says, "Yes." The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm fucking her!"
Two Irish labourers were working on a house. Mick was reaching into his nail pouch, pulling out a nail and either tossing it over his shoulder or nailing it in. Paddy, looking a bit bewildered, asked, "Why are you throwing all those nails away?" Mick explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointing toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's duff. But if it's pointing toward the house, then I nail it in!" Paddy says to Mick, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't duff! They're for the other side of the house!"
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." "Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later, she died. At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest said, "I mean her legs."
Two rednecks talking in a bar. Bill says "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not." Joe replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?' Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?' Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. 'Doesn't matter', she replies, as long as it fits a Camel.
Thanks Simon
It's the middle of the night, when the doorbell rings. The husband crawls from his bed, and goes to the door. There is a man on the step who says "Could you give us a push mate?". The husband shouts "It's the middle of the night, PISS OFF!", and slams the door in his face. Back upstairs, the wife says "Who was that?". The Husband replies "some joker wanting a push!". The wife says "Remember when we broke down miles from home, in the middle of the night, and you had to knock on a stranger's door for help?". "Alright, alright" says the Husband, "I'll go back down." He opens the door, but there's no sign of the man. "Where are you?" shouts the husband. "Over here," comes the reply, "on the swings".
It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says "Hello? " After some talking on the other end of the line the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some twat who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum. "The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."
Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?". His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blowjob?'......and she's always sound asleep!"
A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there. He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it". The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it." To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took Four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He drops his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Thanks Kim
A
young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed
category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair
remover.
Steven
Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical
composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in
the room.
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked the hat check girl to come up to his room
for dinner. After a while he started making passes, she
stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see
where in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the
first page where someone wrote in pencil: "The hat check
girl puts out!"
The
kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more
grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown
up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did
during the summer.
One
day, God and the devil decided to play 18 holes of golf. They toss a coin, and
the devil tees off with a nice drive.
A
guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three
girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep
me horny.. keep me potent."
An
Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he
would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
Go on! Send one in! 
You might even get a mention!
