The Rules for the Sexes
The Rules for the Sexes
After years of research, the findings are in. The answers to how both sexes tick have been analysed, and converted to a simple set of rules to follow. Read and learn......
16 Men's Rules For Women
1. It is only courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Curry.
3. Don't make him hold your purse at the shops.
4. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
5. Unless the answer is yes.
6. In which case, can he videotape it?
7. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
9. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and and/or tending the grill.
10. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie. microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
11. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
12. He heard you the first time.
13. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
14. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
15. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
50 Women's Rules for Men
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Washing-up liquid is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss . . ." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
(please note that the following two have been mentioned not once, but twice)
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labour while you sit in the waiting room on your butt smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out.
Thanks to Rupert Matthews
