Top Tips         

Handy tips and tricks to make your life easier

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Gardening: Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.

Save money, at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".

Why pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your shite. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.

Hungry at breakfast? Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

GENTLEMEN. Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.

Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.

MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a bloody dodgem car, so it may as well look like one.

Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.

Late for work? A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

ANGLERS. Pond or lake dried up? Pop down the local woods, attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa any time by just turning on the tap.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Greengrocers. Why throw away old, shriveled, unsold fruit and veg? Simply label it "Organic Produce" and charge twice the usual price.

When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.

Beat bicycle theft by towing a horsebox behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horsebox.

Imagine you're in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.

Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.

Lorry drivers. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting until a car is overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes.

By using arm signals only at junctions, one can lull motorists into thinking your indicator lights are defective.

Bus drivers. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is particularly effective in rush hour traffic.

If you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even if you haven't got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your sexuality.

Wear a neck scarf and cap and start losing your hair to enhance the effect.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Wednesday & Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

American organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

Motorists. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive mobile phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

Don't put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.

Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

Re-spraying your car? Cover it with cling film first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only two days.

Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Taxi drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where you're going.

Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by peeling off the strips of tape.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth  will put you off smoking any of them.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex (White-Out) to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. eg. Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's holiday home.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. 

Sweet corn fans. Save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next smoke from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.* Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner?* Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'Rodeo Sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Thanks to Mark Austin and Andy Arnold.

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