1st December, 1997


The Teletubbies are evil and must be killed.

Single of the Week

"Chinese Burn" by Curve

Curve were the first band I stagedived to. And this was in the days when you could actually get on the stage, dance about a bit, then jump off. Hell, it seemed like fun at the time. I think I even touched Toni Halliday (or maybe that was a roadie). The second - and last - band I stagedived to were The Apples. At that one the crowd parted like the Red Sea and I ended up in casualty with a split eyebrow, but that's by the by. You can still see the scar in a certain light though.

One minute into "Chinese Burn" by Curve and I want to jump off stages again. This is what it's all about. Chemical Brothers-style block rockin' beats swathed in crunching distortion at a billion miles per second, and over that the divine Ms Halliday's last goth in town vocals; taunting, seductive, indifferent and cool as f***. This may be used as music for the Sony Minidisc advert, but it would be better used advertising sulphuric acid flavoured alcopops. A late entry into the single of the year derby.

Four remixes begin the b-sides (usual remix fare - there's a big crunchy mental one, a dub one, an ambienty one, etc, etc), then a couple of extra songs pop up from nowhere, making this a bit of a bargain. "Robbing Charity" is a (Hammer) House trance track that pounds along as Toni purrs "I have lost my soul" in a way that makes you want to lose yours. "Come Clean" is The Wildhearts reanimated, veins popping, foaming at the mouth and fronted by a more attractive vocalist, and finishes a monumental EP in hyperactive style.

There goes my eyebrow again.

Rating: 10/10

The Rest

"Best Bit" by Beth Orton

I don't usually go in for the angsty female "serious" vocalist thing, but "Best Bit" by US songstress Orton and her straining-at-the-leash vocal chords does something to me. Something good. Whether it's the little chorus bit that sounds like Edwyn Collin's "Magic Piper" or whether it's Beth evoking visions of every cool road movie from "Thelma And Louise" to that minty highway chewing gum advert, this hits the spot. Beth's best bit, obviously.

Having said that, b's are no disgrace either. "Skimming Stone" is slower paced and a little more hippyish, but has a mantra-like riff carrying on in the background that elevates it into the same kind of space inhabited by the likes of Spacemen 3. Heavy, man. "Dolphins" is a duet between Orton and Terry Callier (no, me neither) who is apparently some kind of jazz muso, as Beth writes a wee story on the back of the CD about how she saw him playing at the Jazz Cafe. Mmmm...nice. Except it's not really. "Lean On Me" is last - another duet with Mr Callier, but a quite pleasant one (it has a tune, at least). All in all however, it's a bit too adult for me. Give me big bouncy things that go boom instead.

Rating: 8/10

"Angels" by Robbie Williams

Talking of which, here's Robbie. Yes, yes, yes - we all know he used to be in Take That. So what? The boy's a rock and roll star now. Except here he is with a rather obvious stab at the Chrimbo market (the sleigh bells are in the mix after 1 second). This is better than most mistletoe and wine efforts however, as it's a bit of an Anthem and the boy Williams has an undisputably good voice for this kind of thing. Played a couple of times and it's a big woolly jumper of a song, all roaring fires and snowball fights as people with big hair decorate Christmas trees. Or was that "Last Christmas"? When I tell you this ends in a ballroom full of strings floating on top of syrup with Robbie flying over the top like the Christmas tree fairy you should not be surprised.

B-sides are marvellous. A live version of ex-band's weepie "Back For Good" is first. Beginning in the way Gary intended (all pianos and damp knickers), the cheeky little monkey turns the chorus into a thrash road accident that makes Faith No More sound like Renee and Renato. Marvellous. This is now officially the best song ever recorded. Last up is Robbie's Christmas present to us all: "Walk This Sleigh". Sadly not a cover of the Run DMC classic, this is nevertheless an amusing bit of rap pop fluff that contains lyric of the week "Happy Birthday Jesus Christ - here's some Spice Girls merchandise". Sorted.

Rating: 8/10

"What You Say" by Lightning Seeds

Lightning Seeds are an odd band. Every now and again I'll get one of their singles and see if it's any cop. Usually, I'm disappointed and it's drippy happy poppy nonsense (or the unforgivable "Three Lions"), but every now and again they come out with one I actually like. "What You Say" is one of those songs, with it's dreamy, mid-tempo melodies that bring back memories of 80s pop that I loved and lost (Frasier Chorus anyone?). One to lose yourself in for a couple of minutes.

B-sides are the bizarre Floyd-out of "Weirdaway" which makes The Verve sound like three-chord thrash merchants, "Blue" ("Strawberry Fields" in a drippy poppy style) and a fairly straight but atmospheric cover of "Be My Baby". After Robbie's "Back For Good" though, you keep expecting it to explode and it's a bit of a letdown when it doesn't.

Rating: 7/10

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