A man crawls on his hands and feet towards the alter of a church, a hood covers his head. He's scared as people in hooded cloaks bang the ends of sticks on the floor in a primal rhythm. As he gets closer the beating quickens. The church is lit by hundreds of candles. The man stops before the lead hooded figure and the hood he wears is removed. Looking at the hooded figure before him he shouts, "You're insane!" He receives no reply, and can only watch as the hooded figure turns and takes a sword out of a glass case. He is decapitated, and his head placed in a jar with a label on saying "Mr Dawkins", alongside others on a shelf...

Jeannie arrives at her sister, Wendy's, house. It's half term, so Wendy's son, Danny, is home from boarding school. Wendy comes out to greet her sister, and Danny follows. Jeannie goes to ruffle his hair but he pulls back and says hello. He seems so serious and polite, it takes Jeannie by surprise. Wendy explains it's boarding school that's done it. She should be pleased that her son is now behaving, but well, she's a little worried. It's like the life has gone out of him.

Meanwhile Jeff is in the park sitting on a bench reading the paper when Marty appears and sits next to him. There's a man (played by writer, Charlie Higson!) sitting on the other end of the bench reading his own paper. Marty comments he can almost smell the flowers - he misses being able to smells things and touch things. "Have you no feelings at all?" Jeff asks. The other man doesn't realise he's talking to Marty, and gives Jeff a funny look. If he concentrates, Marty can sit on things, and it's almost like touching things. "Can you touch me?" Marty asks, again making the man wonder who the hell he's sat next to him. Marty says no, "Look it goes right through," as his puts his hand through Jeff's head. He then tells him he's learnt a lot from Wyvern, and he's even got a fantastic new power! "Will you show it to me?" Jeff asks. This prompts the man to say he'll call the police if Jeff doesn't stop with the remarks! Marty gets fed up with the man and blows his paper out of his hands. The man leaves the bench to catch up with his paper.

Marty then proceeds to show Jeff his new power. He tells Jeff to watch a nearby pigeon. Nothing else happens, and Jeff looks at Marty. "That's fantastic," he says, "the ability to look constipated, yeah?"

Back at Wendy's house, they are sitting down to afternoon tea. Danny finishes serving tea and then asks to be excused so he can finish some homework. His father says of course, he's proud of how his son is behaving now. Jeannie agrees saying she noticed the change, "he used to be human," she says. Wendy says he's miserable, and wonders whether he should go back to the boarding school. Her husband disagrees and says he'll be driving Danny back later today as planned.

Marty has now got the hang of his new power and has possessed the pigeon. It tingles a bit, but he can't vouch for how the pigeon feels. Jeff is impressed and asks if he can possess anything else. Marty leaves the pigeon and recites the poem, "If a beast you want to be, the secret of it's heart unfurl, A stronger mind is all you'll need to possess it's very surl..." They eventually work out the last word is supposed to be "soul". Jeff asks if he can possess people. Marty doesn't know, and offers to try it on Jeff. Jeff refuses! As they walk away, we see the pigeon on the grass - it isn't moving, possible dead?

Jeannie decides to leave, and pops up to see Danny before she goes. He tells her he'd do anything not to go back. Things were okay until his house master, Mr. Dawkins, left. His father then appears and tells him to get his things together, they'll be leaving soon. Danny kisses Jeannie goodbye and hands her a piece of paper secretly.

At the offices of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased), Jeff arrives to find Jeannie working away. Jeff's surprised, the phone hasn't rung in two weeks. Has she got a job for them? Not really, she's just following up on something for her sister. She then shows him the piece of paper Danny gave her. It has the words, "They killed Mr. Dawkins" on it.

Marty is back with Wyvern, who is telling him to be careful. Possession isn't something to be taken lightly, it can be very dangerous. Marty protests, saying he feels fine. Wyvern says it's not dangerous for him, it's dangerous for the possessee, you rob their minds. Marty admits, that he has picked up some habits, and starts cooing like a pigeon! Wyvern tells him to be careful, a brief possession may make someone feel drowsy and disorientated, but a longer possession, "could result in a permanent loss of consciousness." Marty is bright, but he must show some restraint Wyvern says. Marty apologises, but it was nice to have a sense of feeling again, being able to touch things...

Back at the office, Jeannie has filled Jeff in on what she's found out so far. As well as Mr Dawkins the school matron has also left in the middle of the school year - suddenly. Jeff's impressed she's found this out, as Jeannie explains the school is extremely secretive. She's not sure there's any truth to Danny's theory, but for want of anything better to do, they decide to go ahead and investigate. But how to get into the school? Mr. Dawkins was a teacher, and a housemaster and seeing as he left half way through a school term, they are desperate to fill his post.

At the school, Marty joins Jeff as he prepares to interview for the post of history teacher/house master. He's less than impressed with Jeff's choice of work, Danny's' trouble at school is hardly his idea of a thrilling case. Jeff defends himself by saying he's only doing it for Jeannie. Marty becomes suspicious saying Jeff is becoming awfully chummy with Jeannie. "You told me to look after her Marty," Jeff replies.

The plan is for Marty to sabotage all the other candidates, so Jeff will get the job. As Jeff goes into the school, another candidate, Mr. Walton, arrives all smart and professional. Marty forces him to fall over into a muddy puddle by blowing on him. Meanwhile Jeff sits on a sofa outside the head masters office with two other candidates he tries to talk to them, but they are not listening. A man comes out and asks Mr. Purnell to enter. He goes into the room, which is huge! A table is about 10 feet in front of him where the head master, Captain Graves, and co sit. Mr. Purnell sits on a chair in the middle of this huge room which makes him look quite small. As the headmaster goes through his "old fashioned values" speech, Marty is lightly blowing his wig, causing it to raise up slightly, making it obvious Captain Graves is folically challenged. Eventually Mr. Purnell can take no more and breaks down and laughs his head off. Outside, Mr. Walton joins Jeff and the other candidate on the sofa. He's called in next, and as he walks into the hall, you can hear a squelching noise. Then just before the door opens, you hear a wind noise from Marty. Captain Graves takes one look at the result and says, "that will be all Mr. Walton."

The last surviving candidate beside Jeff is called in. Jeff wishes him good luck, but the man says he won't need it. After he's shown them what he's made of, they won't even bother to call Jeff in. Captain Graves makes no bones about the fact that he is their preferred candidate. However, while he may be good on paper, his character must speak for itself. Marty possesses him, making his character some what dodgy! As he answers the questions put to him, he has bursts of insanity saying nonsense things and ending with the poor man taking down his trousers and pants! As he rushes past Jeff, Jeff quips that he hopes he showed them what he was made of!

So it's Jeff's turn. Captain Graves asks what Jeff could possibly offer Radlands. Jeff says he has a wife who's a qualified nurse and matron. The complete package! Jeff is hired, along with Jeannie. Outside the school the man Marty possessed is asleep on the pavement, a workman is prodding him with a spade, but he doesn't wake up...

Soon Jeff and Jeannie are moving into the school. A group of boys are forming a supply chain and are carrying their things to their room. Percy, the junior house master comes out to greet them. He takes them inside the building which they will be calling home. He explains that he's tried to keep things ticking over, but it's been difficult since Mr. Dawkins left. Jeannie says the boys must be finding it hard, as Mr. Dawkins was very popular from what she can tell.

The head matron, Harriet, is coming down the stairs which lead up to Jeff and Jeannie's room. She overhears Jeannie's comment, and says Mr. Dawkins made the mistake of trying to get the boys to like him. She doesn't seem to be a happy woman, very strict and stern looking. Boys, she says, do not respond to kindness, they will just take it and then spit in your face. They exploited Mr. Dawkins, she says. Percy says hello to her, but she says she'll see him later, she's doing her rounds at the moment. Harriet is Percy's wife, but if he hadn't told you, you wouldn't have guessed!

Upstairs in their room, Jeff and Jeannie are confronted with a double bed. Jeff jokes, and asks if Jeannie really wants the right side of the bed. She tells Jeff it's strictly business. He agrees and says he will treat it like he was sleeping with Marty. Marty then appears lying on the bed!

Jeannie, now dressed as a nurse, is out walking the corridors of the school. She stops at a mirror to check her appearance, when Danny appears asking her what she's doing here. She says she could hardly ignore the note he gave her, and gets it out to show him. He takes the note saying he made the whole thing up. He looks worried, and becomes even more nervous when he spots three boys behind Jeannie further down the corridor. They are dressed in red blazers and look even more menacing than Harriet! Danny quickly runs away.

Later, at dinner, Harriet recites some simple doctrines for simple boys, before she allows them to eat. Harriet comments to Jeannie that she's the only mother some of these boys know. She must have the biggest family in the world. Her husband mimics her speech, implying she says it a lot. He says he hopes that Jeff and Jeannie work out here. The last matron left in rather a hurry. Mr. Dawkins was up on all the gossip, it was rumoured that she had a thing for Captain Graves. He doesn't get to say much more as a stern look from his wife stops him.

Later we see Danny talking with a friend called Parker. Parker has been seeing a girl, and has even kissed her! The three boys in red blazers from before approach the pair, and Parker immediately says he was lying. He didn't really kiss the girl. The lead boy, Praetor, says Danny was seen talking to Mrs. Randall. Clearly it's Danny that they are after, so Parker leaves - quickly! The three boys proceed to tell Danny that talking to Mrs. Randall wasn't authorised and it is against the rules. The eyes of the school will be following Danny around from now on...

Upstairs in their room, Jeannie is reading a book in bed, while Jeff is in the bathroom. He's unsure how to handle his first night with Jeannie in the same bed. Jeff finally climbs into bed and Jeannie puts down her book and turns off the light. They settle down and Jeff starts making small talk, does she snore, is her pillow all right? Sadly Jeannie isn't in the mood and eventually tells Jeff to shut up so she can go to sleep. A few hours later Jeannie is screaming as Jeff won't stop snoring!

The following day the school is at assembly. Captain Graves talks about his red clad troops. He holds aloft a sword created by the founder of Radlands, and tells them that it was forged in the white heat of traditional faith, and so must they forge their future in the white heat of education (weird or what!?).

Jeff struggles through his history lesson, making it obvious that he knows absolutely nothing about history!

Meanwhile Jeannie is seeing her first patient in her office. Praetor is not ill, he's just there to warn her to stay away from the headmaster. All the while he is talking to her the camera tilts up, making Praetor seem to grow taller. The camera on Jeannie tilts downwards slightly making her seem shorter, very clever way of showing Jeannie is slightly intimidated. She tells him he can't speak to her like that, but he simply stares at her. Jeannie is first to break the stare.

Captain Graves and Harriet are walking up some stairs talking about their plans. No-one must know about them. Harriet says the only one who could have been a problem was Dawkins, and he's, "no longer with us." The final phase must go ahead as planned, Graves says. Behind them is Marty, listening to every word...

Jeannie's walking around the grounds of the school. All the red blazer wearing children are staring at her in an almost menacing way. She's clearly uncomfortable. She bumps into Captain Graves, who asks how's she's settling in. He hopes she'll stay with Radlands for a long time. He has just one question, who is she? Who is she really? Jeannie, thinking her cover is blown flusters a bit, but then he adds, is she a Redlenian? One of them? (as in a member of the school). Of course she is! Jeannie says.

The boys in Red Blazers, led by Praetor are walking around the school. One boy from Jeff's class is telling them that he doesn't believe Jeff is a teacher at all. An investigation is called for. Captain Graves spots them, and puts his arms round some of them. Choir practice is in the assembly hall soon, but fear not, he tells them, soon the final phase will be complete and they can take their rightful place. Again we see Marty in the background listening in.

Later that night Jeannie is telling Jeff she thinks Captain Graves is creepy, and that perhaps this wasn't a good idea after all. Jeff tells her if she wants to be a private investigator, she'll have to get used to this sort of thing. Jeannie knows this, but the mood is so tense everywhere, and it's so cold. Jeff tells her to get a good nights sleep, and everything will be okay in the morning. Jeannie snuggles up to Jeff for comfort... Sadly Jeff snores again, so Jeannie doesn't get much sleep!

The following day, Jeff is taking a PE class. Sadly Jeff knows as much about cricket as he does about history. The entire class shouts Howzat! and waits for him to call LBW, but he doesn't. One kid asks if he's played cricket before, and Jeff lies by saying he used to play for Oxford. He's then asked to show them his skill, and is given the ball to bowl.

Meanwhile, Praetor and co. are initiating Parker into the choir. Only those in the choir get to wear the red blazer. Praetor kicks Parker in the knee while two other boys hold his arms. Parker doesn't make a sound - he's passed the initiation.

Back outside, Jeff is walking away from the stumps in order to get a good run up. He's calling out Marty's name, and Marty appears. Jeff asks for Marty's help, as he can't play cricket at all. Jeff then takes a longer than usual run up, and bowls like an idiot and the ball goes miles in the wrong direction. However Marty is on hand to blow the ball back on course and smash both the bat and the stumps to smithereens! The boys are immediately impressed! Jeff tells Danny to go and get the ball, which has gone into the nearby trees. While Danny is gone, Jeff tells the boys he doesn't like the look of the weather, and orders the boys back indoors.

Parker goes into Jeannie's office complaining about his knee. He says he was running to cover up what really happened. While Jeannie fixes him up, Praetor and co. go up to Jeannie & Jeff's room and go through there things. They find a business card, and a picture of Danny with his mum and Jeannie...

Danny gets a bit of a shock when he eventually finds the ball. It's in the hand of a decapitated corpse. He falls backwards into another decapitated corpse. Both have maggots etc. all over them, implying they have been there for a while.

Danny runs back shouting out for Jeff, but instead he finds Praetor and co. He throws them the ball saying simply that it was caught out. The boys nod and walk away.

Jeff and Jeannie are getting ready for bed. Jeff is in the bathroom talking to Marty, while Jeannie is in the bedroom getting undressed. Marty is telling Jeff what he's heard so far. He's convinced Captain Graves is up to something and that the final phase is nearly complete. Jeannie asks if Jeff is going to be much longer, she needs a shower. Marty peaks out of the door at Jeannie, and comments that she looks good in a nurses uniform. Jeff says he's trying not to think about it! Marty then brooches the subject of whether he can borrow Jeff's body for the night! Jeff protests, saying that Jeannie wouldn't want to sleep with him, even if Marty was possessing his body. "But you want to don't you," Marty insists. Jeff is slightly taken aback, but says no, "..well not like that, no not at all in fact. Not with you breathing down my neck."

"I wouldn't be breathing down it, I'd be breathing up it. Anyway you'd be fast asleep," says Marty.

"Oh great. I get none of the good bits. All I get is the embarrassment and apologies. And what would it do to my friendship with Jeannie?" Jeff says.

It would be worth it Marty insists. But Jeff is adamant, Marty can not possess his body. Marty says he may just do it anyway. Jeff doesn't think so. Marty says all he needs is a stronger mind. Exactly, says Jeff! Marty tries to possess Jeff anyway. Jeff manages to resist at first, forcing Marty out, but Marty won't give up and tries again. He forces Jeff to grab his gonads and squeeze...not pleasant! Eventually Jeff is jumping around the bathroom trying to force Marty out of his body. Jeannie finally notices the commotion and walks into the bathroom, knocking Jeff out when she opens the door!

Jeff wakes up lying on the bed, his head in Jeannie's lap. She's mopping his forehead with a flannel, and smiles at him. Jeff says he just needs to get some sleep. Marty is looking over Jeff saying, yes, go to sleep Jeff and starts singing a lullaby! Marty takes this opportunity to possess Jeff. He sits up quickly, and Jeannie comments that he's perked up a bit. Marty quickly changes tack, saying that actually he got up a bit too quick and lies back down, again with his head in Jeannie's lap. He asks Jeannie to hold him, which she does.

Meanwhile downstairs, Harriet is walking across the corridor she's talking to herself, saying that the world will open up tonight, for her Captain Graves...

In the chapel the hooded figures are back, and they are banging their sticks again...

Back upstairs, Jeannie is now lying down next to what she thinks is Jeff. She apologies about the door, but Marty/Jeff says to forget it, he's feeling a lot better now. What about Jeannie? Jeannie says she wishes she was at home, in her own clothes, her own bed. She seems to have a permanent headache as well. Marty/Jeff suggests he gives her a neck message to help with her headache, she deserves a bit of pampering. She agrees and sits on the edge of the bed while Marty/Jeff begins massaging her neck. She comments that Marty used to give good neck massages, they used to make her all tingly. He asks if she misses him terribly and she says yes. He was a terrific bloke wasn't he? Marty/Jeff says. "He had his faults like anyone else," Jeannie replies. Marty/Jeff immediately protests, saying he was great at dancing, especially tap, good humoured, trustworthy, generous, loving, tender, loving... Jeannie asks what he's doing (things are getting a bit intimate here...!), and he replies that she knows what he's doing. These last two nights, sharing a bed together... He goes to kiss her, but she turns her head at the last minute. He tries again, but she keeps evading him. Eventually we hear Marty's voice say, "come on Jeannie give us a kiss!" She refuses and pushes him away. He falls to the floor, and is knock unconscious. Marty leaves Jeff's body. When Jeff doesn't answer her, Jeannie scrambles off the bed and says she's sorry but it wouldn't be fair to Marty. Marty's surprised, "Wait a minute, you wouldn't really consider sleeping with him would you?" he says.

Things get worse when Parker comes into their room, now wearing a red blazer, saying that they have got Danny. Jeannie tries desperately to wake Jeff up, but nothing is working, she even slaps him! She leaves to go find Danny. Marty tries to wake Jeff up, but shouting doesn't do much. He possess Jeff's body again and walks him over to a glass of water. He picks it up and splashes it in Jeff's face. He leaves Jeff's body and tells him that Jeannie has gone. Jeff's awake now, but still a bit groggy. He takes the nearby jug of water and splashes his face again!

Jeff goes to Captain Graves office to find Jeannie. He bangs on the door, and eventually Graves comes out of a cupboard to answer it, putting his wig back on as he goes to the door. Once inside the room Jeff demands to know where Jeannie is. Graves looks confused, why would Jeannie be here? Marty says he'll take a look around and vanishes. Jeff continues on at Graves, he knows what's going on. What is going on? Graves says. Jeff admits he doesn't know, but he does know about Dawkins, and the final phase...what is he hiding? Graves slowly backs up towards the cupboard he came out of saying that there isn't anyone else in the room. Jeff doesn't believe him and opens the cupboard. Harriet is in the cupboard in her underwear. Jeff apologies to Graves, but he's having none of it, he tells Jeff to leave the room and his school. Jeff says he can't deny that something is going on, the disappearances, the secrecy, the final phase. Final phase? Graves finally twigs what he's on about. He says that the it's the final phase of the school building programme, they are modernising the school chapel. Jeff can't believe it...he's gonna kill Marty! Graves continues to say that nothing sinister is going on, when Marty reappears and says Jeannie is in the chapel.

Jeannie is walking down the aisle of the chapel towards the hooded figures who have Danny on the alter and are holding him down. Danny says she should never have come. Jeannie asks what's going on, "A rehearsal of the school play, Carry On the Spanish Inquisition?" she quips. Praetor walks towards Jeannie saying "what are boys?" repeatedly. His hood is down, but the rest of the choir keep theirs on. The rest of the choir recite responses such as, "Boys are dirty, boys are unclean" , "boys are stupid, boys won't study." Praetor stands in front o f Jeannie and asks her the same question, "slugs and snails and puppy dog tails," she replies. He explains that they are not like other boys, they are always polite, clean and respectful. They do what their mother tells them, and anyone who would harm their mother must be dealt with. He pulls out a sword...

Outside the chapel, Jeff arrives with Captain Graves. Marty tells Jeff to do something, while Graves asks what they're doing here, the chapel is out of bounds, it's unsafe. Jeff doesn't know what to do, so Marty possesses him and makes him try and shoulder open the door - unsuccessfully.

Inside, things aren't going well. Jeannie is told she's a threat to the school and must be dealt with. Candles are lit next to huge beakers two are full with the heads of Mr Dawkins and the previous nurse. There are two new jars labelled up as Mr and Mrs Randall... Harriet then appears, saying "what are boys?" Again the choir recites their mantra that they are evil etc. etc. Jeannie tries to tell them that they are wrong and that Harriet has poisoned their minds. They should be out and playing not listening to her. Jeff comes rushing in and says he's come to rescue her. He collapses on the floor. Graves steps over him and walks towards Jeannie and Harriet demanding to know what's going on.

Harriet explains that these boys, her boys, would do anything for her. She's their mother, and he, is their father. All of it, everything they've done is for him. When Dawkins found out about their secret love, she couldn't risk the scandal, so took care of him. Graves looks at her and asks her if she's mad. Harriet gets angry and tells Praetor to kill Jeannie. He swings his sword up to decapitate her. All the boys are distracted, so Danny uses this opportunity to escape and punches the head boy before he can kill Jeannie. The sword swings, knocking the jar with Dawkins head in over. Jeannie tells them all to go back to their dormitories. One boy says no, they will stay and do what their mother tells them. Jeannie tells them she's only doing this because she hates them. Harriet says it's true, they are dirty and smelly. "What are boys?" she says. But this time she doesn't get an answer, instead the boys start smirking. Eventually Danny says, "come on this is stupid," and he and Praetor leave down the aisle. The rest soon follow, laughing at Harriet as they pass. Jeannie and Graves head back down the aisle after them, and fail to notice that Harriet has now got the sword. Marty notices that the preserving solution Dawkins' head was in his trickled down the aisle. He moves a candle, which falls and sets the fluid alight. He then possesses the head of Dawkins to distract her. Soon she's on fire, and dies.

Jeannie and Jeff bring Danny back to his parents. Danny runs and hugs his mother as soon as he sees her. His father looks on feeling left out, but at the same time not surprised. It was him after all who insisted he go back to the school. He apologies and Danny runs and hugs him.

Jeff comments that it was a nice few days, being husband and wife. Jeannie says it would never work because he snores too much. But he doesn't snore Jeff says as Jeannie follows Danny and his parents into the house. Marty appears and tells Jeff that he does snore, because he made him snore!

The End

Guest Stars

Tom Baker as Wyvern Melissa Knatchbull as Wendy Gill Rory Jennings as Danny Gill William Chubb as Angus Gill Phyllis Logan as Harriet Banks-Smith Huge Simon as Percy Banks-Smith Alex Brown as Praetor Nick Le Moignan as Delingpole Ben Johnstone as Meades Martin Slave as Parker Mark Straker as Mr. Dawkins Anthony Daniels as Walton Andrew McGibbon as Waymark Bobby Windemark as Bushell Jay Barrymore as Catchpole