Things I have Netted recently

A collection of bits and bobs fished from the net in the past week or so .... I take no credit .... or responsibility! .... for any old boots or tin cans ..

Quotes of the YEAR Best signatures | Abuse of the month |
Best advice | Vellia's words of wisdom | Lawyer jokes

Quotes for every occasion
'The most popular labor-saving device is still money'
Phyllis George

"Has God played at Knebworth recently? "
Noel Gallagher

"The ozone layer is disintegrating because of the stinking sweat of the rich and powerful."
Colonel Gaddafi

"Life membership is no longer available"
Voluntary Euthanasia Soicety newsletter

"Britain has long adopted the ostrich position when it comes to teenage sex."
Brooks Advisory spokesperson

"My mind is very open, and so is my mouth."
Tony Banks

"Domestos has a slightly dark and menacing side to its nature."
Domestos Boss, Simon Thong

"Advertising beauty products is easy. All you have to do is revile your customers by creating a disease called growing older, and then provide a remedy which does not work."
Anita Roddick

.... and finally, an oldie but a goodie .....
 'I always have a quotation for everything - it saves original thinking.'
Dorothy L. Sayers

Best signatures of the week
Simple .sig's are the secret to true happiness

I'm not scared of heights. It's the ground that hurts....

I am coming to terms with a fatal disease - LIFE

The genius of modern technology lies in making things to last fifty years and making them obsolete in three.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

5 people out 4 have problems understanding mathematics.

Everbody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

So many stupid people, so few comets.......

"Designing pages in HTML is like having sex in a bathtub. If you don't know anything about sex, it won't help to know a lot about bathtubs."

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Abuse of the month
Usenet if full of mature conversations, reasoned debate, and polite discussions !!
If you have never subscribed to the newsgroups, here are some genuine samples ....

"Is there any connection between the fact that you are not beating your wife now, and your resumption of postings?"

"READING ALL OF MY BRILLIANT PROSE SHOULD MAKE YOU WEEP WITH THE REALIZATION OF YOUR INFERIORITY, BUT YOU'RE PROBABLY TOO STUPID TO REALIZE HOW MUCH BETTER I AM THAN YOU"

' Jesus loves you. The rest of us think you're an ass....'

'Give your computer to someone who needs it.'

"I don't know what the proper feminine characterization would be for a jerk...whatever it is, your it!"

"Your type of thinking is not intelluctually challanged, it is stupid!"

"If you MUST have a screaming hissie fit on a public forum where you go hysterical over your personal problems, could you break it up a bit with punctuation and a few caps?"

and my personal favourite -
'Bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrent caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum...'

Run out of ideas for your own newsgroup postings? Get some ideas from the Web Parlour's NEWSGROUP ABUSE service !

Best Advice
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can get out of doing altogether"

"The tongue is the enemy of the neck"
- Arab Proverb

" In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything.
In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone's letter. "
- Chinese proverb

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." CrazySheep, 01/31/96

Vellia's words of wisdom

What you are doing NOW is important. Ironing isn't.
Eating should comprise a bag of Fritos and a can of something.
Dusting is OK if you happen to be walking by and you run your hand over the surface.
Washing clothes? If they pass the sniff test don't worry.
Personal Maintenance is an individual thing.
Brush your teeth when you can't stand your mouth.
Take a shower when you've itched so much you have supperating sores.
Shave your legs if on one of your infrequent outings your not wearing hose or Jeans.
Computing is primo, Numero Uno.
Vellia
Lawyer Jokes
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
an MP.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
The lawyer, the lawyer, and then the lawyer again.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
When you see his lips moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why wont sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Did you arrive here through the back door?
If you can't see my mag menu on the right
you need to come in through the main entrance!

These pages are produced by Ruth Livingstone
All queries, complaints and compliments to ruth.livingstone@ukonline.co.uk