In a quite different meeting to what anyone expected in November, we found ourselves sitting in a circle without the comfort of a table to lean on or hide behind, taking part in a Relate counselling encounter. Paul Vittle, who ran the session, was expecting to talk about parenting, but changed at our request to work with the notion of stressful relationships: both adult-adult and adult-child.
And what an interesting evening it became! Paul was excellent. We listened and talked to people we knew and we listened and talked to people we didn't; we shared some of the pleasures and the pains of being the parents of our maddening and wonderful children, and we were helped to think hard about how to be a good parent, and how to be a good partner.
It isn't easy to report the 'message' fully, because out of context a lot of it might seem glib or trite, but here is a flavour of what we talked about. Firstly, Relate work is based on a three-part model: Explore, Understand, Act. In other words, when looking at any relationship, discover what it is like so you know what is good and what needs to be changed, then change it.
Paul Vittle
Of course we are all resistant to change, so this is hard to do, but Paul reminded us that there are no blueprints for relationships, as we are all unique, so we do have to find our own ways to success. However, he said that Relate finds that the major causes of stress are children, sex and money, so maybe we could all start there? BUT 'The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time', so don't try to do it all at once!
We focussed a fair amount on how to relate well to teenagers, but it is good advice for relating to your partner as well. For example, when someone does something wrong, don't focus attention on the behaviour, but on the emotion that produced it. Put away guilt and regret because they are negative; deal with them when you are ready to. We have to create an appropriate environment for our children, which is where there is love and friendship, where emotions can be shared, and there is no pretending. We have to be aware that we are their rock, even if the love isn't returned at the time: 'Even though they can't show it, they KNOW it'. And it's OK to hate, as long as you hate what they do, not hate the person they are.
Obviously, to do all this requires us to be able to listen. Not easy! Listening is a skill which needs to be learned. Like any learned skill, it needs work to get right. None of us knew how to drive a car by instinct, after all! There was a really helpful checklist for developing this skill, including suggestions like these:
Practice these things, and don't be afraid to fail. We all do. Above all, even though it is draining, and we are always (with an ASD child in particular) having problems thrown at us, BE POSITIVE! Or at least, aim to be.
Other advice included, try to build up self esteem in children/partners. Yes, esteem will get knocked back, but if you develop the other totally essential skill of communication, that will help. Make time to talk in a friendly, positive, relaxed environment. Another tip, Don't Make Assumptions! Don't assume that people want or need what you think they do- talk to them and find out what they need.
Finally, because we all know that children (and partners?) are draining, we need a few stress-coping strategies. Here are a few:
Breathe Properly.
Breathe in through your nose to a count of 3; breathe out through your mouth to a count of four; repeat a few times.
Melotonin
Cures sleep problems! Jackie Luke and Joyce Redhead said it works for Tim and Usman.
Power-Nap
This is a Visualisation technique. To a count of 10, take yourself mentally to a nice comfortable place like a cinema. See a lovely scene on the screen when you reach 10. Go into the scene for 10 and really enjoy it.. Then count back from 10 to zero, holding the scene in your head.
Music
It reflects and changes your mood. Play something calm when upset.
Talk to Yourself
Or to the dog! Unload your stress on yourself, not on your partner or your child.
Find Something to Inspire Awe.
Develop a spiritual element in yourself; touch another dimension.
Have a Non-People Hobby
Reading? Computing? Walking for miles?
Be Totally & Utterly Selfish
Just occasionally! Have a 'sod it' button. Walk away without guilt, then return to deal with it when calm.
Pamper Yourself
Spend 10 mins extra in the bath; get a massage.
Work with your Partner to Create Quality Time for Each Other.
A good idea!
I recently had an e-mail from Sarah Littman, who was an ALL member a couple of years ago before she went over the pond. Her son Josh is Asperger's, and is just coming to terms with what that means, using a book called 'Asperger's- what it means for me' from Future Horizons. She's also been to Michigan to see Carol Grey, Tony Attwood and Temple Grandin, and she is writing a novel as well as getting articles published. We still send her C7. She misses the support group here, she says, and she sends her love to everyone.
Trevor Buckley, who spoke in October, has arranged for us to visit the Greenhill Centre to see 16+ provision for ourselves. We will meet Hazel Goddard, who runs the centre, and Trevor will show us round. This is a super opportunity to find out what the College can offer. I hope lots of us go, or I shall have to eat all the cakes myself! We are going to start in the Coffee Shop which is run by the students.
The arrangements are, drive into the main College entrance on Cranford Avenue where there will be plenty of parking. Go to the Reception area which is in the Fleet building (you can't miss it...). Trevor will meet us there, then take us over to the Greenhill centre.
(And later, go to the pub?)