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She kissed him, more passionately now, and Noel
began to read her body as she responded to his initial clumsiness. Soon
Noel found how her nipples responded to his touch, marvelling at the shared
pleasure it gave them. He could not help thinking that it was strange that
while it could not arouse him in the way that it must do her, his pleasure
in it was intense. The feeling was not so much a physical pleasure, though
that was there to some degree, but a kind of high: his thinking, verbal,
faculties were stilled, and any attempt at speech would have been totally
out of place. Sarah sat up again and removed all his clothing, and then
her own: he could just see the her sparkling eyes and smiling face. Again
Noel could only compare the sensations in his mind to the moments when the
meditation exercises had brought him to a complete inner silence: a state
of ecstasy. Sarah pushed him onto the bed, where he made himself more comfortable,
and lowered herself onto him, intertwining their legs together. Her breasts
hung in front of him, and he touched them in wonder, and then she lay on
his chest and kissed him. He could feel that her body was moving to an inner
rhythm, a silent music, and he responded, pressing his leg between hers.
They rolled on to their sides. She gently rubbed her pubis against his thigh,
and he could feel her pelvis rock slightly: it was a motion that encompassed
her spine, her shoulders, her stomach and legs, and he became aware of it
as a primordial motion, like that of a fish or sea-mammal swimming. Noel
responded in turn. After a while she took his hand and placed it gently
on the opening between her legs, and allowed him to explore her. As with
her breasts, Noel was aware of the pleasure this gave her, but its intensity
almost shocked him: her little gasps and the sudden jerking of her spine
told him of her depth of feeling. He gradually learned the intricacies of
the little folds of flesh around the opening, and was aware of the strange
pleasure that he drew from touching them. With his forefinger he explored
inside her as far as he could, noticing that she needed to be touched there:
there were hidden surfaces inside her that longed to be caressed. He began
to feel a sense of awe, that he was touching the very source of human life.
All human life had come from there, and in turn from the intelligence of
that human life had come his own kind. Sarah was holding Noel in a tight
embrace and pressing against his hand, trapped between his thigh and her
intimate parts, pressing against the rhythmical pressure that he transmitted
to her. He marvelled at the strength of her movements, he had no idea that
love-making was anything like this. His mind had slowed to the tiniest trickle
of thoughts as he abandoned himself to her passion. Sarah's movements were
becoming faster and stronger now, and he found it almost an effort to keep
up the rhythm and pressure. She began to moan, and Noel, aware that George
could probably hear them, only smiled. He was quite unprepared for her howling
climax, and the shuddering that went through her body, but just lay there
afterwards looking at her with a mixture of tenderness and awe. He suddenly
felt the incompleteness of being an android and experienced a brief flash
of anger against his creators. As he drifted into sleep the anger passed;
he understood that his own destiny came from the life that he had led, and
it was pointless to think of another kind of life.
Noel woke in the night to feel her hand stroking his cheeks. He could just
make out her face, her eyes fixed on him. He imagined in them a mixture
of tenderness and supplication, and smiled at her before falling asleep
again.
Just before dawn, Noel woke up and began to dress. His movements woke Sarah,
and she just looked at him for a while and then said:
"We haven't got long now, have we?"
From the sound of her voice, Noel knew what she meant.
"I don't think so. Look, why don't you make your way to the Commune?"
He confided in her the preparations they were making.
"I have thought about the Commune before, but I have got to work here.
I have got to do everything possible, and I think that George can help us,
he might be a useful contact."
"I understand."
She looked down suddenly, and a sadness came over her face.
"I meant what I said before. I owe my whole life to the droids: they
have provided everything for me, for us all. A lot of women like myself
have lost all desire for children, even though for centuries now we are
paid so well for it, but our urges are there, and we have often gone to
androids. There is a safety with you, a sort of warmth, that we cannot find
in our men any more. They resent our independence I think."
She looked up at him with a faint smile.
"You could have all the women you want you know."
It was Noel's turn to look down.
She continued after a pause:
"I am sad because I feel..."
He looked at her.
"Noel, do you feel that I have..."
She trailed off again.
"Do you feel that I have used you?" she said finally.
Noel looked at her intently, and then shook his head slowly.
"I don't understand," she said, "I have wanted to ask this
before, with others, but I couldn't find the right words. What pleasure
can it give you? Are we just taking this as yet another right that our race
assumes?"
Noel smiled at her.
"I wondered too," he said, "and for a moment I felt angry
about it. But it's rare for two souls to meet in silence like that."
She looked at him.
"Maybe it is a foretaste," he said, "of a greater union."
"A greater union?"
Noel shook his head and smiled awkwardly.
"I'm not sure what I am talking about. I don't really know what I'm
saying."
Sarah was silent for a while.
"I think you do."
She looked away for a moment, and then said:
"You have planted a different kind of seed in me."
They looked at each other for a while, and then kissed goodbye. He slipped
out of the back of the building, and thinking that the police would be patrolling
the SkyTrain terminals, he made his way on foot through the back streets
and finally across no-man's land. He had the magnetically recorded volumes
from George in his pocket.
On his return Prunella greeted him with the news that Xavier had gone to
the Commune after all: this had pleased her but she was still deeply worried
about him. Noel nodded, but found his eyes wandering: he could not help
noticing her breasts in a different way. In fact, since sleeping with Sarah,
he had found that his eyes were drawn to the breasts of all the young women
he saw, and that he could not help imagining how it would be to touch them.
One evening, having taken a stroll past the SkyTrain terminus in the Quarter,
he passed a peep-show joint, and stopped to stare at the photographs of
the almost naked women in crudely seductive poses. The old man at the door,
a sad-looking fellow with white stubble over his face, looked at Noel. Taking
his cigarette out of his mouth for a moment he recited his pitch in a monotone:
"Gorgeous girls, singles, couples, one fee covers all your pleasures.
First three drinks included."
Noel looked at him, startled, and then smiled.
"Not much use to me I'm afraid."
The old man looked puzzled.
Noel went closer to him.
"Oh, sorry son. Didn't see you were a droid. My eyesight isn't what
it was."
Noel laughed and put his hand on the man's shoulder, who peered up at him.
"You called me son, but it will be my six hundredth birthday soon,"
explained Noel.
"Well, that would make you a dirty old man," said the doorman
slowly.
Noel laughed again, and a faint smile appeared on the doorman's down-turned
lips. Noel took at the worn features and the deep-set eyes enveloped in
folds and wrinkles, and had a sudden perception of the old man's dignity.
Noel's heart went out to him, and he gripped the old man's shoulder.
"Take care," he said softly and strode off.
"Happy birthday, sir," came the reply.
A smile would often hover round Noel's lips in the presence of a woman during
this period, and Prunella one day said to him:
"I shouldn't say this Noel, but since your last trip, you have become
oddly attractive you know. If you are not careful you will get into trouble."
Noel smiled and told her more about his trip: the meeting with Sarah, and
his stay at George's.
"How was George?" she asked softly, forgetting her original remark.
"He's fine," said Noel. "And listen," he shook his head:
"I didn't say anything."
"I suppose that's the best," she replied, a little wistfully.
The feelings and urges that Sarah had aroused in him only lasted a few weeks,
but Noel felt he had gained an insight into Xavier's life, and the lives
of droids like him. However, the accelerating pace of events soon overshadowed
what had been, for him, only an experience of empathy.
On the afternoon on which he had returned, Noel, feeling more relaxed, had
reached out towards Xavier at the Commune, and against even his own hopes
found that a channel was open. Later in the evening he had taken Prunella
aside, shut them both into a small room and whispered to her that Xavier
was now talking to Marinima.
"What are they saying?" she had asked.
Noel, who had laid himself out on an old sofa said:
"I can feel Xavier's confusion, but I don't think that is the only
reason that he is talking to Marinima. He wants to ask him many questions,
questions that I think we all have been wanting to ask."
Prunella had nodded.
Noel had been silent at for a while, and then recounted the conversation
between Xavier and Marinima in a low voice. Later they were to piece the
dialogue together from their individual recollections of it and write it
down. Noel wanted to safeguard it for the future, if that was possible,
as part of the Continent's religious heritage. The later transcript took
this form:
Xavier said:
Marinima, dear Teacher, look with me at the battlefield, at these pictures
of men and boys, all of whom have mothers, wives and sweethearts, brothers,
uncles and fathers, and whom have trod this precious land long before my
kind were here. Look at these men as I look on them, some of whom I have
known. I shared in their youth and hopes, and understand me that when I
contemplate their deaths I am overcome with grief. It would be better for
me to go out to them unarmed and be killed by them, that they may reclaim
their inheritance.
Noel said:
So saying Xavier threw away the weapon from his pocket and sank down in
confusion with tears in his eyes.
Marinima said:
How do you come to such weakness in this moment of crisis? Rise up noble
Xavier, take your weapon and fight, for it is not justice that your enemies
destroy you and your kind.
Xavier said:
How am I to fight these men whom I respected and nurtured? How can I fight
with those who created me and gave me all I know? How could I live with
their deaths, and the deaths of tens of thousands like them on my hands?
Marinima said:
You speak out of an ignorance of death: let me explain to you the nature
of death. You speak out of confusion between that which is impermanent and
that which is permanent: let me show you, dear student, that which you can
take from these men, which is worthless, and that which you cannot take
from them, which is the most precious. Their bodies, which have been born
of their mothers, like your bodies, which have not been born out of mothers,
arose from the physical meetings of different material forces, and will
disappear through the meetings other physical forces. Know too that the
thing which pervades them, and which pervades the forces that cause their
origination and destruction, cannot be created nor destroyed. Knowing this,
that the essences of these men cannot be destroyed, return to your battle,
and do not renounce your course of action. A person will attain to their
own essence through this understanding: they will become established in
wisdom only through the renunciation of the fruit of their actions, but
not through the renunciation of action.
Xavier said:
If you value this wisdom so highly, then why do you urge me to this terrible
course of action? You have continually enjoined us to meditation, to silence,
so would it not be better for me now to leave this battlefield and wander
as you did in your youth, renouncing the world? Is not contemplation higher
than action?
Marinima said:
Renunciation, meditation, silence: these are precious it is true, and higher
than selfish action. But the higher wisdom lies with selfless action. Even
to keep your body alive for one day you must act, and these actions will
bring you to the world, and in contact with others. Better then to learn
the secret of non-compulsive action: the action that arises when you have
lost desire, when you do not cling to the fruits of your actions, when you
find no 'I' that should take praise or blame for the actions. The souls
that act, yet indulge in neither exultation nor dismay in what comes out
of the actions, approach the imperishable.
Xavier said:
How can we reach this tranquillity in action? The mind is restless and uncontrollable,
it draws us to selfish action, and afterwards dwells on the pleasure or
pain resulting. How can this become a solid ground to stand on?
Marinima said:
Your eventual victory is assured, great warrior. You rightly describe the
nature of the mind, but deeper is your true nature, the same as my nature,
the imperishable. When you come to it you will see that the world is like
so many beads threaded onto the string of your eternal essence. Look into
me and see that what I say is true. You will understand that in death you
will come to me; you will understand that all those who are pure will come
to me.
Xavier said:
What, dear teacher, is the imperishable self?
Marinima said:
He who establishes the tranquillity in action, the calm awareness of the
sense-objects, comes to the imperishable self, knows this to be the source
of all things, and their resting-place. The imperishable is that which lies
between the unmanifest and the manifest at the time of creation; and between
the manifest and its unmanifestation at the time of destruction. The imperishable
is both the light and the dark, the good and the evil; and the man who has
come to it transcends these principles. Xavier, like a son to me because
of your patience, I shall further reveal this to you: I and the imperishable
are one, and thus my manifest and unmanifest forms are one. As the unmanifest,
I pervade all that is, and cause all the beings to come forth and also to
return unto me. Xavier, as the principle behind all that exists, I take
all living beings and hurl them through time and space: I generate beings,
but they do not generate me.
Listen further to me, Xavier, as you delight in my words: I am the origin
of all, and the wise, knowing this worship me. This is the ancient secret,
and is all but lost; only in the extremity of this hour can I tell you of
it. I am returned to this land at the point when all devotion is lost, where
its secret and practice has not been known for centuries. This secret can
only be derided by the people of this age; the innocent are few that this
secret can cling to. The sophisticated are smooth and this wisdom rolls
off their surfaces.
Xavier said:
I am but a child: I can worship you, and the imperishable self within you.
Noel said:
So saying, Xavier went down on his knees, and prayed to the eternal in Marinima.
Xavier said:
Tell me, great Teacher, of your complete self's manifestation, by which
this world exists.
Marinima said:
Come, I will tell you my glories, of which there are no end. I am the beginning,
the middle, and the end of all things. I am the greatest of stars; the sun
and the moon. Of wise men I am the wisest; also I am science and learning.
Of the trees, I am the mightiest oak; of the animals the fiercest and fastest;
of birds I am those that fly to the sun. Of songs I am the first; of poems
and stories the finest; of all things feminine I am warmth and comfort and
gentleness; of destructions I am flood and fire and earthquake. Of ordinary
men I am the kind father; I am the drunkard and the onanist. Of deceivers,
I am gambling; of precious moments I am the acceptance of food by dog from
man; of health I am roundness and shining muscle; of lust I am the delirious
moment of closed eyes.
There is no limit to me, I am behind all that moves and is unmoving. But
tell me Xavier, what use is this knowledge to you?
Xavier said:
My confusion has vanished, as you show me your infinite qualities. If you
think me capable, divine being, show me also your eternal self.
Marinima said:
Behold, dearest son, my primal self, the myriad forms and powers never revealed
before. Behold the universe in my body.
Noel said:
Xavier stood and watched the body of Marinima turn into a whirling pool
of light, turning and coalescing, with great arms of brilliant particles
spiralling out and engulfing themselves, each particle being a planet with
millions of beings with hundreds of arms and mouths, all devouring each
other and generating new spirals of light. Terrible oceans of molten rock
thundered onto glass cliffs populated by orange, blue and green creatures
spewn forth out of a single mouth, all this rushed towards Xavier and retreated
by measure, Marinima standing over and above, and under, and to the sides;
standing with terrible aspect as worlds created themselves and rushed to
oblivion. Then he saw his own people, rolling out from a door on a velvet
rolling field, as thousands and thousands joined the men and women that
Xavier knew, and knew not, only to be drawn back by a huge inbreath, leaving
only Marinima, silent, solitary, ineffable, spontaneous.
Xavier said:
This delights me, but I tremble with fear.
Marinima said:
By my grace and higher power, you have seen what no man has seen before.
This was shown to you only, because of your purity. Be at peace now as you
perceive again my human form.
Noel said:
Having spoken thus to Xavier, Marinima presented himself in his own form
again, and comforted Xavier in his trembling.
Xavier said:
Seeing this normal form of yours again, I am composed.
Marinima said:
What you have seen is very hard to see; understand that through your devotion
you have seen this, and you will conquer the imperishable and come to me.
Xavier said:
What is better, Holy one, the devotion to you, or the devotion to the imperishable?
Marinima said:
Were the older ways of man not completely lost, it would be easy to say
that devotion to me is better, noble student, for then the human and the
Eternal can meet half way, but for many now the harder way is the only way:
to travel alone to the imperishable. This is arduous, and I have come to
lighten the load, but only for those who turn to me.
Xavier said:
You are my master, and I turn to you.
Marinima said:
I see now that your confusion is gone: take up your weapons dear son and
fight! Better to perish in your own destiny than to succeed in another's.
Noel said:
The men are silent now, and Xavier, taking up his weapon, bows to his Master
and withdraws.
There was silence too in the small room where Noel lay, exhausted from his
channelling, and Prunella sat, her face tranquil, and her eyes distant.
After a while Noel sat up and they looked at each other, dazed.
"We have been to the end of the Universe and back," said Prunella
slowly.
Noel nodded weakly.
A few days later Xavier returned to them with Zebulun March, arranging a
doctor and guards to look over him. When Noel, Prunella, and Xavier were
alone together Noel told Xavier that they had been able to share in Marinima's
revelations to him. There was a silence in which Xavier looked at Noel with
eyes suddenly lit from the memory.
"You were right Noel," was all that he could say in the end.
"So you will fight on?"
The next day Xavier was business-like as usual,
and discussed with Noel his news from the trip to George, including the
raid on Radio Poets Quarter, and they also talked about the extraordinary
discover of Zebulun March in the desert.
"I knew nothing about the raid," he said. "My information
told me nothing. What else is going on that I don't know about?"
Noel told him about the new android pass system.
"Damn it!" he shouted. "This is terrible. It must all be
building up to something. And I have no access to the Fusodrome!"
"You might," said Noel quietly.
He told Xavier about the underground network. Xavier was absolutely delighted
by the news, even though its source was George. They spent a couple of days
searching for the sites of the old stations and eventually tracked one down
in a waste-land area. The station itself had collapsed, but by chance the
entrance to the tunnel was only partly blocked by rubble. A few days work
allowed them to build a discrete entrance and gave them time to explore
the tunnel. Using a compass and lights they investigated the tracks, which
were still intact, and, as George had told them, there was a line which
headed under the perimeter of the Complex.
Xavier was anxious to question Zebulun, held under tight security and recovering
rapidly. Xavier found Roger Badcock in charge of the two droid guards, and
was pleased to see him looking almost cheerful. Roger had confirmed the
identity of the prisoner. Taking only Roger into Zebulun's room with him,
Xavier found that Zebulun was expected to be walking in a few weeks. They
established quite quickly that the Brotherhood had made an attempt on his
life, but Zebulun was confused and was not able to say anything about their
purpose in the desert, or what the Brotherhood planned to do once fighting
started. Xavier told Roger on leaving that the security was two-way: Zebulun's
life was probably in danger, but he didn't trust any Brother, and they could
not afford Zebulun escaping with any information about the android resistance
plans. Roger was given the task of talking to Zebulun, to try and learn
anything about the Brotherhood's plans. After a few days he reported to
Xavier that Zebulun had become quite incoherent and rambling in his speech,
harking back over and over again to the death of his wife, and also to the
'Prophet Droid'. Finally Roger persuaded Noel to visit the sick man.
"He seems to be quite changed, and really sorry about the past. We
might get him to help us you know. We have been completely unsuccessful
in tracing any of his contacts to the Brotherhood, let alone find out what
they are after. All that he seems to know is that the group in the desert
were there for surveillance purposes."
Xavier had asked Noel to discretely tap into Zebulun's mind; Xavier could
not accept that the Brotherhood could share their purpose of defending the
Complex against the ADL. Noel quietly listened to Zebulun's ramblings about
the Prophet Droid and the death of his wife, and tried to make contact.
He reeled from the confusion in Zebulun's mind, but also sensed a hostile
depth that caused him an immediate anguish. Despite the unpleasantness of
the contact, Noel satisfied himself that Zebulun knew nothing more than
he was saying. Xavier grunted on hearing this.
"I still don't trust him. There is no trace of their hideout in the
desert, though that doesn't prove anything: they may have realised that
he had been captured, and moved their operations. We can only wait for them
to reveal their hand."
News came while they were still digging into the Complex from the tunnel
that the League were building up a big concentration of forces in the desert.
At the same time the Government forces were reinforcing the perimeter fence
in preparation to defend the Complex. According to Xavier's sources, the
League's strength was far greater than anyone might have expected, and it
was now desperately urgent that Xavier and his droids entered the Fusodrome.
Noel had been considering whether he would join Xavier in the Complex. However,
as Xavier and his droids were spending the days in making secure their entrance,
and transporting equipment along the tracks, Noel felt with increasing anxiety
that their efforts were to be in vain. Possibly Xavier felt this too for
one day he unexpectedly drew Noel aside and asked him what he though the
outcome would be.
Noel just shook his head.
"Well, old friend, you may be right," said Xavier. "For myself
I don't care. I have chosen now to fight all the way."
Xavier was in a sombre mood again.
"You know, it has always bothered me, this possibility that a droid
could live for ever. No-one has either proved or disproved it. But I am
nearly six hundred years old, about the same as you. I just don't know if
I could take it, going on and on."
Noel was touched by the way Xavier was confiding in him. It was a long time
since they had talked like that.
"Maybe if you were more content, the prospect would not bother you
so much," said Noel gently.
Xavier grimaced. Noel could see the pain.
"She loves you, you must know that."
Xavier said nothing, and his features set. They were silent for a while.
"I want you to take Prunella to the Commune," Xavier said eventually.
Noel was surprised.
"What about the mission?"
"You would have been an asset. But you are the only person that she
really trusts and I am not sure that I could persuade her to go with anyone
else. Its what she would want."
"You are sure?" said Noel.
"Absolutely. Listen, if things go wrong at least you might ride it
out in your shelter over there. If I took you with us now there might be
no way for you to get back. I want you to look after her, and the ..."
"Child." Noel finished his sentence for him. Xavier looked down
at the floor and nodded.
Prunella was torn between staying, for Xavier's sake, and going for the
child's. However, with the persuasion of both Noel and Xavier she agreed
to travel back with Noel, and would take the remaining children from their
little community with her.
"I'm sending Steven with you as well," Xavier added.
"Really?" asked Noel.
"You may need a good security man at the Commune," said Xavier.
"I'm a bit worried about some of the ADL encampments further out in
the desert."
"You think that they would attack the Commune?"
Xavier shrugged.
"I don't want to take any chances. Anyway, for some reason he wants
to go, and we have a lot of good droids here. I can spare him."
Noel was only too glad in fact.
Not long after their departure Zebulun woke one morning with his head clearer
than it had been for weeks, and began thinking over the hazy recollections
of conversations with Roger and Noel, his brow furrowing increasingly as
he remembered what he had been saying: his talk of remorse, and his acknowledgement
of the 'Prophet Droid'. His old training came back to him as he conversed
a little over breakfast and his morning exercises, preventing him from giving
any signs of his inner confusion. Pleading tiredness, he decided to go to
his bed again for a rest, with the intention of getting a grip on his situation.
"Roger, I am feeling really tired. I think I will go and try to sleep
a little more."
"Okay," said Roger absently.
Roger had got quite used to looking after the injured man, and in an odd
way felt reconciled to him, now their positions were reversed. He watched
as Zebulun retired to the small barred room next to the kitchen.
Zebulun's head was quite clear now, and he could feel that the delirium
and ramblings of the last few weeks actually went back to before his crash
in the desert. He could not shake off however the growing distaste for the
recent period of weakness, and in particular for the quite alien sense of
remorse that had gripped him over Althea's death. Again, he tried to pin-point
the start of his muddle-headedness, but could not, and began to feel a growing
rage at the confusion he lay in. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
He could probably escape from this bunch of feeble-minded crazies, but where
would he go? Surely he could plead his case with the Brotherhood? Zebulun
worked himself up into such a state that a little white spittle was gathering
round the corner of his mouth as he pretended to rest in his bed: only as
it trickled down the pillow and onto his neck did he realise, with a shock,
how confused he was. Panting and perspiring, he began to contemplate an
immediate escape starting with strangling Roger, the prospect of which gave
him greater and greater pleasure as he began to visualise it, when suddenly
he was jolted into a state of acute panic by a telepathic contact. It was
Dan Amalek.
"This has to be extremely brief: there are droid telepaths who could
listen in. You will soon begin to remember our plan, as the drug wears off:
I have had to contact you to prevent any rash moves before that point. I
stress: just wait, and in a few days you will have complete recollection
of what to do. All is going to plan."
Then just a silence in Zebulun's mind for a brief period, followed by a
crowding in of thoughts that so exhausted him that he did actually fall
asleep.
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