A Clearer Vision
A Clearer Vision|
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I became totally disillusioned with the drugs and drink that had been the center of my life for so long. I moved into another house and became a recluse. I seldom went out and just took drugs out of old habits, rather than for thrills. I was of course addicted, but made do with less. I visited Amsterdam, and there realized that the best the world has to offer in pleasure is empty. The fear of God came on me, and I decided to rid my life of all the demons that I had. But there was no one in the Church that I visited to get help. |
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I moved into a guest house nearby. None of the other people in the house were into drugs at all, so I kept my habit limited to my bedroom. At this time as well I became disillusioned with the drug scene in general. I just saw so clearly the bad side of human nature that was involved in it - bad deals, backstabbing and the nastiness of the people that I had known. I really cut back on my drinking and drugs- I only would take drugs out of habit, not to trying to experiment or push the limits any more. I kept myself to myself because of this, and work became the only time I would see other people. I would sit in my room listening to my heavy metal music, and taking speed or cannabis. But this didn't stop me having some more spiritual encounters.
One time I remember in particular - I was just in my room "chilling". I was listening to very dark music, bands like "Korn", "The Deftones" and Grunge music. I was just laying on my bed, doodling. I started drawing strange pictures as once again the room I was in became darker and darker. In the darkness about me I saw slithery shapes flitting about above me. These dark "eel" type shadows raced around the room as the darkness became more oppressive. The Bible talks of an "heavy darkness", and I think that is the way that I would describe it. The shadows started to dive in at my body and face, only pulling up at the last possible moment. I was terrified. I called out "Lord help me!". Instantly the darkness and shapes disappeared. My body was renewed as well. When you take speed, the effects remain in your system for up to two weeks, and usually I would take more drugs to counter the effects of coming down off it. But this time all the side effects (lack of sleep, depression, and a "dirty" feeling) vanished instantly. I felt totally rested and cleaned up. I am so glad that God was looking after me, and gradually showing me the futility of the life that I was leading.
Around this time I visited Amsterdam, but a few months before that I cut my hair (as you can see from the photo). It had just seemed to be getting in my way more and more, and had started to feel dirty and out of place. So one day I went to the hairdressers, and had it trimmed to shoulder length. I went to Amsterdam on the coach. It was something that I had always wanted to do. In Amsterdam so called "soft drugs" are legal to buy in drug cafes. There is also a thriving sex industry, all legalized by the Government there in a long term experiment. It was here that two interesting things happened to me. Firstly, I realized how much of a Godless place Amsterdam was. As I walked around the sights of the city, I became totally repulsed by the seedy culture that was there. The people I met there seemed totally cold and without normal compassion. I had already become totally disillusioned with the drugs back at home, and now the whole of the "best" in pleasure that the world could offer became empty to me. The second thing that happened was that I accepted the reality of Satan. This may seem strange, as I had earlier "dedicated" my life to him. I visited the sex museum that is in the city. As I looked around the terrible displays they have there, the immorality of the world struck home harder. But as I looked at a display of small statues of devils that were dated over 2000 years old, it really hit home to me. They had known about the Devil way back then, so I accepted that Satan existed as a real force, a real person. The fear of the Lord God struck me there, as I really had a revelation of two opposing forces, God and the Devil.
After I came back from Amsterdam, I was very unsettled. I moved out of the house I was in, to another shared house. But the darkness that I had experienced continued to follow me around. I took less and less drugs, hoping that this would stop it. My life became more and more empty. The things that I had been into before, and that I had really put my trust into deserted me. The Shamanism that I had been so interested in no longer held my attention. No music satisfied me, it was all just noises on the air. I even lost interest in the Doors and Jim Morrison, which had been a part of my life for so long. So, one day I decided that I had to totally clean my life out. I knew that I had unclean spirits in me, and I wanted deliverance from them. I was walking down the road, and I saw a large Catholic Church. I went in, hoping that they could help me, but no one was there. Coming out disappointed I carried on walking down the street. And who should I meet coming the other way, but Peter Mark.
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