A quasi-Shavian romance in three acts

ACT 1. Scene 1: early Spring.

HOLOF. Morning, Bagoas.

BAGOAS Good morning, sir. Did you have a good trip?

HOLOF. Not bad - no thanks to the transport system. If it's always been as chaotic as that, it's a wonder they managed any sort of war effort, let alone causing us the trouble they did. Has anything much been happening here?

BAGOAS There's been a bit of difficulty over rations - the Quartermaster-General has made some provisional adjustments, and would like to discuss longer-term arrangements. I've suggested three o'clock this afternoon, if that suits you.

HOLOF. Right. A rubber-stamp job, I dare say. Anything else?

BAGOAS Well, yes. A rather nasty incident with the civilian population.

HOLOF. Oh? First I've heard of it. What happened?

BAGOAS A bunch of schoolgirls tried to lure some of our off-duty men into an ambush. Fortunately there was an experienced NCO in the party who rumbled what was up and discreetly got a message out, so that we collared the lot, including their boy-friends who were going to do the dirty work. They've been dealt with. But in case of political complications, we thought you'd better decide what to do with the girls themselves.

HOLOF. Thank you very much! "Dealing with" schoolgirls could raise a hell of a stink.

BAGOAS Exactly.

HOLOF. And no one's simply going to take our word for what happened. You can imagine the sort of accusation.

BAGOAS Only too well, sir. But luckily there happens to be pretty conclusive evidence. One of the men got a photograph of the girls in flagrante, as it were, while the party still seemed friendly. (Finding a particular folder among those on the desk) Here it is, with a note of the circumstances. It doesn't leave very much room for doubt.

HOLOF. (looking at the photograph with distaste) Nor for imagination. What's been done with them?

BAGOAS Well, the women's prison couldn't - or wouldn't - take them, so we've had to put them in a barred-off suite of rooms in the East Wing here.

HOLOF. HERE!! Good grief, man, the effect on discipline ...

BAGOAS (stiffly) Sorry if I've done the wrong thing, sir.

HOLOF. (wearily) No, no, I dare say there was no choice. But I hope you've got someone reliable guarding them.

BAGOAS Sergeant Alcibiades is in charge of that. He's - er - immune, if you remember.

HOLOF. Only too well. Ingenious, though, to play off one problem against another. Now, this photograph - I suppose the negative's in the fireproof safe?

BAGOAS All taken care of, sir. And there's a spare print with a duplicate negative in your file there.

HOLOF. Good. Anything else of note?

BAGOAS Not that I can think of, sir.

HOLOF. Right. Now I suppose I'll have to get to grips with this load of paper.

BAGOAS Yes, sir. This lot here just needs your signature - these are particular problems with suggested solutions - and these are a few diplomatic messages with draft replies. Nothing particularly awkward, I think.

HOLOF. Good. Now I'm sure you've got other things to deal with ...

BAGOAS Right, sir. I'll be in the outer office if you want me. Oh, would you like a coffee to tide you over the paperwork?

HOLOF. No, thanks. I'd better just get down to it. But leave the hatch open in case anything needs explaining - save me calling through a closed door.

BAGOAS Right, sir.

BAGOAS (off) He's busy at the moment. Would you like to make an appointment?

JUDITH (angrily, off) I don't care how busy he is; I must talk to him immediately.

BAGOAS It's rather inconvenient ...

JUDITH Inconvenient fiddlesticks. If he's there I'm going to see him.

BAGOAS Steady on, you can't barge in just like that. But if you'll try to be patient just for a moment, I'll see if he can spare some time for you. All right? ... That's better. (Knocking and entering) I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but there's a woman who insists she must have an immediate interview.

HOLOF. What about?

BAGOAS She seems too angry to say, except that it's desperately urgent.

HOLOF. As always! Ah well, bound to be more interesting than this lot. I'll see her now.

BAGOAS Right, sir. (Confidentially) Actually, she's well worth seeing, temper or no.

HOLOF. (amused) Now don't start on that tack again!

BAGOAS (off) It's all right. Will you go through, please?

JUDITH (off) And about time. (Storming in; she wears a severe but well-fitted business suit.) Are you General Holofernes?

HOLOF. Yes, of course, Madam - why?

JUDITH You could be anybody. Why aren't you in uniform?

HOLOF. (patiently) You've probably noticed that this is an occupied country. Some of your people rather object, and I can't blame them. I don't go out of my way looking for trouble, so to avoid needlessly ruffling their feelings, I've ordered that any of my staff dealing with them - apart from those on purely military duties, of course - should wear civilian dress. And having given that order to my staff, I can't very well do otherwise myself. As for who I am, here's my identity card. Satisfied? Right. Now, who are you? And what can I do for you? Have a seat.

JUDITH I prefer to stand.

HOLOF. As you will.

JUDITH (controlling her anger with an effort) I am Judith Binmerari, Principal of the Bethulia Girls' High School. This morning I returned from a Head Teachers' Conference to find that in my absence, a dozen of my senior girls had been picked up by your men on some pretext or other, in a highly compromising manner, and were being held under duress. I demand to have them released - immediately.

HOLOF. I dare say you do. Unfortunately, if this is the case I think, it isn't just a trifling misdemeanour. It's a very serious business. In the circumstances I'm not prepared to let them go just like that.

JUDITH What circumstances?

HOLOF. You haven't heard?

JUDITH Only the arrest, and suggestions of gross impropriety. That was enough to send me straight round here.

HOLOF. I see. Well, according to my information, those girls were acting as decoys for some of my men. The idea was apparently to lure them with a promise of - er - favours, into a trap where they'd be murdered. Fortunately, it didn't quite work.

JUDITH I don't believe it!

HOLOF. That it didn't work?

JUDITH That my girls would do anything like that. Quite out of character. They're all well brought up, from highly respectable families. It's obvious that your men took them for their own ends, and trumped up this cock and bull story as a cover.

HOLOF. A natural presumption. But it won't wash, I'm afraid. (Retrieving the photograph from the pile of papers and showing it to her) Doesn't look much like a forced abduction to me. Are those your girls, in fact?

JUDITH Oh. (Sitting, deflated) Oh ... Yes, they are. But this must have been faked.

HOLOF. Indeed? Can you suggest how?

JUDITH Well, I'm no photographer, but ... Someone must have fitted the girls' features on to these other figures.

HOLOF. Not very plausible. There's no sign of a join anywhere, on either the print or the negative. See for yourself.

JUDITH (examining the photograph and reluctantly conceding.) I'd prefer to have a professional opinion ... But supposing the story's true - and if you're convinced, it comes to the same thing - what's going to happen to them?

HOLOF. (grimly) What do you think usually happens to women taken by an occupying army?

JUDITH (horrified) Women? But they're only schoolgirls!

HOLOF. (indicating the photograph) They look adult enough there - and willing enough.

JUDITH But ... Look, General, those girls have been entrusted to me to finish their education.

HOLOF. (ironically) Congratulations on your success. And if there's any small item lacking, I'm sure my men will provide it.

JUDITH (bitterly) I might have expected some such bestiality from the Assyrians.

HOLOF. Bestiality? You flatter us. We're merely human.

JUDITH Keep your puerile humour for your own sort. Whatever these girls may have done, I'm not prepared to let them be degraded any further. If I promise that they'll be properly punished, will you release them into my care?

HOLOF. How do I know that your idea of "proper punishment" would meet the bill? In any case, I'm not going to risk their trying any more tricks. It was only by good luck that we avoided a minor massacre this time.

JUDITH I guarantee that nothing of the sort would happen again.

HOLOF. And just what is that guarantee worth?

JUDITH (trying a different tack) General, so far your men have behaved pretty well here, despite their reputation. And we appreciate it. You can't expect them to be popular, but at least they're tolerated. As a rule they can walk as safely through the streets of Bethulia as they could at home. Otherwise you wouldn't be taking this one incident so hard. Would you, now?

HOLOF. There's something in that.

JUDITH How long do you think it would last if it got about that you'd treated a bunch of schoolgirls like - as you seem intent on doing?

HOLOF. You have a point. But how long do you think it would last if word went round that those same schoolgirls had got away with their little girlish pranks?

JUDITH They won't get away with it. My school has a reputation for discipline that I'm determined to maintain. If on this occasion it seems to have fallen short, at least the girls have the excuse of acting in what they took to be a good cause - and plenty of other people would think it good, too.

HOLOF. That's what worries me. For a good cause, people can justify themselves in appalling crimes - again and again. I can deal with ordinary villains. It's the determined idealists who are impossible.

JUDITH (taking a deep breath) General, if nothing else will persuade you, I'm prepared to offer myself in their stead as hostage for their good behaviour.

HOLOF. Hmm. I know things have changed since my schooldays, and Bethulia probably isn't the same as Nineveh, but I still find it very hard to believe that kids anywhere would be kept from misbehaving by a threat of retribution on the Head.

JUDITH I can assure you that if anything happens to me because of them, they'll be made to regret it for the rest of their lives.

HOLOF. At that age, the "rest of life" seems a rather distant and unreal prospect. (Less flippantly) And supposing I accepted your suggestion - you'd be right up against the notorious Assyrian bestiality. Would you be ready to risk that?

JUDITH (swallowing hard) If - if I were prepared to - to meet your own needs, could you assure me there'd be no other molestation? (Holofernes stares, taken aback.) Well, say something - yes or no - or do you insist on seeing goods unwrapped before purchase?

HOLOF. (hastily) No, there's no need. That's quite an offer.

JUDITH And nothing but dire necessity could induce me to make it. But I'd do my best to give satisfaction.

HOLOF. It's tempting - very tempting. But what of the practical questions? Running your school, for instance?

JUDITH I've a deputy who's quite capable of the routine administration. She'd have to see me for policy decisions, of course. And I'd need somewhere to use as an office.

HOLOF. That can be arranged. Bagoas!

BAGOAS (entering) Yes, sir?

HOLOF. This lady will be moving into the East Wing; and Sergeant Alcibiades will no doubt be very pleased to know that his present charges are moving out. Have transport ready to take them back to the school in - ah - one hour's time. (To Judith) You'd better go with them to collect whatever you need.

JUDITH You trust me to come back?

HOLOF. I don't suppose you'd want the embarrassment of a search. Your word is enough.

JUDITH You have it. How much am I allowed to bring?

HOLOF. Anything, within reason, to make yourself comfortable. We'll provide the basic furnishings, of course. (To Bagoas) Tell Alcibiades to prepare an office and living quarters, the best he can manage. And detail a couple of men to help with Miss Binmerari's things. (To Judith) Oh, by the way - without suggesting for a moment that it had crossed your mind to try anything on the lines your pupils fluffed - you can take it that if I should be incapacitated, my successor would be very much harsher than I.

JUDITH I can imagine that President-for-Life Nebuchadnezzar would have someone down on us like a ton of bricks. But then he might appoint a different Administrator in any case. He could send you off on another war tomorrow, couldn't he?

HOLOF. Not very likely. Nebuchadnezzar doesn't believe in wasting effort on unnecessary wars. This last one was forced on us; and after the way it turned out, no one else looks like starting any trouble.

JUDITH Well, you might be recalled for some other job at home.

HOLOF. Hmm. I don't know how much you know of our recent history.

JUDITH Not my subject, I'm afraid.

HOLOF. And the books won't have caught up yet. Nebuchadnezzar isn't by any means the first President to declare himself in office for life, but none of the others hung on to either for very long afterwards. Every single one was deposed by some general, and he knows it. Now I'm the most successful general he's got: I don't say necessarily the best, because good luck and a damn good army had a lot to do with it, but far and away the most successful. Nebuchadnezzar knows that, too. What he doesn't know - at least, not for certain - is that I wouldn't have his job for all the gold in Ophir. So he'll keep me well out of the way, in a highly respected but demanding position, for as long as he can.

JUDITH And yet you have the reputation of being ambitious.

HOLOF. My ambitions are military. I can deal with soldiers; they do what they're told - more or less, and for most of the time. What I can't cope with is politicians.

JUDITH You seem to cope pretty effectively with ours.

HOLOF. Ah, but you see they're so much easier to bribe than ours.

JUDITH (leaping indignantly to her feet) Now that's a damnable lie! You know perfectly well that our people are famous for their integrity.

HOLOF. (warming to the subject, starting to pace about the room) In monetary matters, yes: admirably so. But little pet schemes for the public good - that's different. There doesn't have to be much material profit; in fact, as often as not, there's nothing but the kudos of having wrung some concession out of an unwilling administration. And their very righteousness prevents them from seeing that concession as a bribe. But it works just as well as cash down, and it's a lot cheaper.

JUDITH But if you're handing out concessions right, left and centre - what's left of your own policy?

HOLOF. Good question. You see, when I said "for the public good," I really meant it. We'd have let these schemes through anyway, or perhaps even started them ourselves if the opposition didn't look so troublesome. This way we get what we want, and the other chap takes the blame if it goes wrong. Once or twice we've pulled off quite a tricky package, part that the local authorities convinced themselves was their own idea, and the rest as the price for letting them do it.

JUDITH Why are you telling me all this? If the word got around ...

HOLOF. Supposing it did. Imagine it reaching some bigwig who's just congratulating himself on putting one over the Military Administration. Is he going to believe he's been had for neddy? Not on your life. His own pride won't let him!

JUDITH (bitterly) You do despise us, don't you?

HOLOF. (shrugging) I take people as I find them.

JUDITH (indicating the wall portrait) Including Nebuchadnezzar?

HOLOF. He's not such a bad old stick. At least he has one great virtue.

JUDITH Oh? What's that?

HOLOF. He makes no bones about being in office simply for his own profit and aggrandisement.

JUDITH (scandalised) You call that a virtue?

HOLOF. Certainly - in a politician; you know where you stand with him. He knows he can go just so far without bringing the wrath of the gods, or the army, down on to his own head. So he's circumspect - he daren't do anything that looks too greedy, too ambitious or too vindictive. But if a man runs for office on the grounds that it's for the good of the people, or worse still the will of the Almighty, then look out: there's no end to the villainy that you can expect of him.

JUDITH He might actually be sincere.

HOLOF. That's the worst of all. Then he has the full backing of his conscience against any opposition.

JUDITH (ironically) You ought to have a Chair in Political Science.

HOLOF. (lightly) When you're Vice-Chancellor of Bethulia University, I may come to you for a job - or at least a reference. But now, excuse me; I've all these papers to deal with, and no doubt another lot in the next post. Captain Bagoas will see that you're looked after for the present.

JUDITH Er - may I ask a favour?

HOLOF. Of course.

JUDITH I'm not going back on my word, but could you give me a day's grace before I take up my - new duties? I need a little time to adjust.

HOLOF. (gently) Is one day enough?

JUDITH (surprised at such consideration) I have to face it some time - putting it off any longer would only make it more difficult. One day should do. But thank you.

HOLOF. Right. Now perhaps you'd better go and see that Sergeant Alcibiades knows how you want everything set up, and help him keep your little horrors in order.

JUDITH Horrors? If they are, it's only what your people have made them.

HOLOF. Bagoas! (Bagoas enters.) The celebrated photograph can go back in the main file now. And this tape had better be put in the safe.

Scene 2: Summer.

BAGOAS You look worried, sir.

HOLOF. Oh, hello. Do I? Yes, I suppose I am.

BAGOAS Anything I can help with?

HOLOF. I doubt it. (Abstractedly) You know, the other day I was reading somewhere about the process of embalming that the Egyptians used on the Pharaohs.

BAGOAS (mystified) Oh, yes?

HOLOF. It seems they carefully preserved every internal organ for the after-life, except the brain, because they'd never found a use for that. Remind you of anything?

BAGOAS (grinning) Have you got a particular example of brainlessness there?

HOLOF. From our esteemed Chancellor himself, no less: the latest order for the transfer to civilian administration. Heaven knows some of his earlier efforts were daft enough, but this takes the biscuit; we have to appoint a local Chief Inspector for the Inland Revenue Department within a month.

BAGOAS I don't see the difficulty, sir.

HOLOF. Don't you? Well, you know how these people loathe tax collectors.

BAGOAS Doesn't everybody?

HOLOF. The office, maybe. Here, it's personal. Anyone involved in it is despised as the scum of the earth. Yet this order requires "a person of the highest standing in the community to serve as Chief Inspector." If only he had the faintest idea ... I could dragoon someone, but I can't see it working. Ah well, I'll just have to sleep on that one. Now, you didn't come in just to pass the time of day?

BAGOAS No, sir. There's a young man outside - says he has urgent business with you.

HOLOF. What business?

BAGOAS He won't say.

HOLOF. I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to make myself so accessible. It seemed a good idea at the start ... What sort of man?

BAGOAS Well-spoken and smartly dressed, but with an arm in plaster. Says he's called Ehud Gerason - I do wish these people had more pronounceable names.

HOLOF. Hmm. Well, there's nothing here that can't wait a few minutes. Let's see what he wants. But take the usual precautions.

BAGOAS Right, sir. (Exit; his voice can be heard off.) It's all right, Mr. Gerason. The General will see you now. Just go through, please.

EHUD (off) Thank you. (He enters, obviously tense; his left arm in a bulky plaster is supported by a sling.) Good morning, General. Thank you for seeing me without an appointment.

HOLOF. Good morning, Mr. Gerason. My word, that plaster looks heavy; you'll probably find - er - that chair the most comfortable. Now, what's this pressing business that you can't discuss with anyone but me?

EHUD (sitting, ill at ease and after a while starting to fidget with his plaster) I've just come down from the University of Samaria. (Pause.)

HOLOF. Yes?

EHUD I spent the last vacation in Samaria itself with a firm of accountants that I hope to join soon. So it's quite a time since I've been home. (Pause.)

HOLOF. Yes? (Brief silence.) Presumably there is a point that you're coming to?

EHUD I'm sorry, it's a rather ticklish matter. When I did get home, I found that my cousin had been imprisoned without charge for the past three months.

HOLOF. Oh? Civil or military custody?

EHUD Military, I gather.

HOLOF. That cuts the field down. What's his name?

EHUD Not "his," General, "hers." Judith Binmerari.

HOLOF. Ah.

EHUD You know about the case?

HOLOF. Yes. Not quite as you describe it.

EHUD Then why is she being kept here?

HOLOF. Your cousin offered herself as a hostage for the good behaviour of some of her pupils who'd been involved in a particularly nasty incident. Not an arrangement I'd normally contemplate, but she was desperate to avoid leaving her charges in a military jail, and I had to have some surety against more trouble. We've made her as comfortable as possible, though of course it's a bit inconvenient.

EHUD I want her released immediately.

HOLOF. (wearily) Oh dear. No, Mr. Gerason, I'm not going through all that again.

EHUD Again?

HOLOF. Miss Binmerari made exactly the same demand for her pupils. It took long enough to work out this compromise. I'm not going to waste more time on it.

EHUD You mean you refuse to reconsider at all?

HOLOF. I'm afraid so. There'll be no problem about visiting her, if that's any help ...

EHUD It's no help at all.

HOLOF. In that case there's no more to be said. Now if you'll excuse me -

EHUD (breaking off a loosened section of the plaster and producing a pistol from the cavity) Maybe this will help to change your mind.

HOLOF. (sitting well back in his chair) I see. Release her or die, eh?

EHUD That's the general idea.

HOLOF. How melodramatic. (Musing) Now there's an interesting point. Supposing I'm afraid of death, then I suffer that fear until it's inevitably realised, and you're offering to release me from it. If on the other hand I'm not afraid, then your threat has no substance. Either way it shouldn't worry me more than a visit to the dentist. Hmmm. I'm sure there must be some fallacy in that; I don't trust arguments that give the same result however the dice fall.

EHUD Very ingenious, but it doesn't ... (A shot from the hatchway to the outer office knocks the pistol from his hand, which he grips in pain.) Aagh!

HOLOF. Neatly done, Bagoas. But what kept you?

BAGOAS (entering) Sorry, sir. Miss Binmerari called in and I was distracted for a moment.

JUDITH (entering, alarmed) What's going on? Oh, Ehud ...

EHUD Judith! Are you all right?

JUDITH Yes, of course I'm all right. It's you that seems to be in the wars. What on earth are you doing?

HOLOF. He heard you were imprisoned here and very gallantly tried to get you released. Unfortunately (picking up the pistol) - or fortunately, depending on how you look at it - his arguments weren't very persuasive.

EHUD But Judith - if these accursed Assyrians have touched a hair of your head - it won't go unavenged. I'll make sure of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, if it's the last thing I do!

BAGOAS (to no one in particular) Does he always talk in clichés?

JUDITH Ehud, no harm has come to me. I've been under the General's protection ...

EHUD You've been ... (slowly recognising the archaic significance of the phrase; aghast) ... under his protection? You mean ... Not that, surely! Oh, no! You whore! WHORE!

HOLOF. (sharply) That's enough!

EHUD Oh, what's the use. We're disgraced already - the foremost family in Bethulia - reduced to . . How can we ever show our faces again? Put me to death and be done with it.

HOLOF. Death? Oh no. I've got something far worse than that in mind for you.

EHUD I might have known - with Assyria a by-word for brutality. Well, do your worst: whatever fiendish tortures you devise, you won't break a Bethulian spirit.

BAGOAS Yes, he does always talk in clichés.

HOLOF. (mildly) Judith, my dear, there seems to be something sadly amiss with the educational system here. What rubbishy books are your youngsters brought up on?

JUDITH (ignoring the question) Don't be too hard on him - please.

HOLOF. After the way he blackguarded you ... ?

JUDITH Oh, never mind that - just the heat of the moment. He's always had a rather over-developed sense of family pride.

HOLOF. You seem to be cast as general intercessor, don't you? First your sixth-formers, now Little Lord Haw-Haw here. Well, if you're prepared to overlook the insult ... Bagoas, do you remember the trouble we had with the Aramean Liberation Army back in Nebupolassar's days?

BAGOAS Before my time, sir.

HOLOF. Was it? I keep forgetting how the years are going by. Well, at one point the ALA had been taking a beating, and desperately wanted a martyr for their cause. So they sent in one of their young fanatics to attack the great man himself; it must have seemed that whatever happened, they couldn't lose. He was promptly caught, of course, and in the usual way demanded to be treated as a prisoner of war, but Nebupolassar swore to make an example of him. And he really went to town on it: declared a public holiday; had a great platform put up in the main square; laid on solemn music from the band of the Military Academy - you can imagine it. The lad took his part beautifully - marched proudly to face the firing squad, gave the ALA salute, refused a blindfold - all in the best heroic tradition. Then the music stopped: there was a minute's silence, a roll of drums, and the signal to fire. Only the rifles were loaded with blanks and wads soaked in dye, so that the lad was plastered with the ALA colours but otherwise unscathed. You should have seen his face. I was a young lieutenant in charge of the squad, and so had to give the coup de grâce - with a custard pie. I've never known such a gale of laughter sweep across an entire crowd. And we didn't hear much of the ALA for a while.

JUDITH I wonder you could keep a straight face yourself.

HOLOF. Discipline, my dear. And I was having kittens right up to the crucial moment in case any of the rifles had been wrongly loaded - it only needed a single live round to wreck the whole scheme, and then Nebupolassar would have had my ... I can tell you I wielded that custard pie with mighty relief.

BAGOAS But if you've something of the sort lined up for this fellow ...

HOLOF. Oh, no. That's a trick you can pull off only once. (A disturbance is heard from the outer office.) Devil take it, now what's going on?

BAGOAS I'll find out, sir. (Exit.)

HOLOF. Judith, could you check the damage to your cousin's hand? We don't want any complaints of neglecting the wounded.

BAGOAS (entering) It's Councillor Uzziah, sir ...

HOLOF. (groaning) Don't tell me - "demanding to see me immediately." Right?

BAGOAS (grinning) However did you guess, sir?

HOLOF. Oh well, we may as well have the lot and get it over with. Wheel him in.

BAGOAS Right, sir. (Exit.)

JUDITH There's nothing obviously wrong beyond a strain and a bit of bruising. But I think the M.O. ought to have a look at it to be on the safe side.

BAGOAS (entering with Uzziah, who notices only Holofernes) The Councillor, sir.

HOLOF. Good morning, Councillor. I'm afraid you've caught us at a rather awkward moment; please excuse a little confusion. But I take it this isn't a social call?

UZZIAH General, I am deeply cognizant of your graciousness in receiving me at such short notice without the formality of an appointment, and beg you to pardon me if the unprecedented extremity of the circumstances induces me to speak without the fullness of courtesy which the dignity of your position and recognition of the consideration that you have always endeavoured to show towards our vanquished people would normally oblige me to exercise, but I have just been apprised of events that leave me so filled with horror and amazement as to be almost totally deprived of speech.

HOLOF. (gravely slipping into an unconscious pastiche of Uzziah's style) Please be assured that no unfavourable construction will be placed upon the unaccustomed terseness of your utterance.

UZZIAH You are as always a model of tact and - er - consideration. (He sits in a chair brought up by Bagoas, facing the desk.) General, it has been brought to my attention that an action of the most despicable cowardice and ingratitude has been planned by certain renegade members of our nation. That in itself is sufficient to fill me with shame and confusion, but to compound my horror at such gross violation of all decency, law and custom, I find that my own nephew, the child of my late and dearly-remembered elder brother, has been prevailed upon to take a principal part in this outrage.

HOLOF. I understand your feelings and commiserate with your distress. But could you please be more specific about the nature of the - outrage?

UZZIAH I have it on the best authority, General, that an attempt is to be made upon your life, probably this very day, and by my nephew in person. He left the house early this morning and despite all my efforts to find him, hoping to forestall the attack and the consequent disgrace that must now inevitably descend upon our family, has disappeared without trace, presumably to make his preparations for the crime. I do beg of you to take the utmost precautions against the tragedy that the success of such an enterprise would mean for our people as well as for your own most excellent self.

HOLOF. I think that my own self, however excellent, would be rather past worrying about it. Forgive me, Councillor - flippancy ill becomes the occasion, and I deeply appreciate your personal attention to this matter. But please take comfort: it so happens that the attempt has already been made, and as you can see, has failed.

UZZIAH It has?

HOLOF. Indeed. And even your nephew seems so far to have suffered little harm from it.

UZZIAH What? (Looking round and seeing Ehud) Ehud, I never noticed you. Now what on earth can have possessed you to attempt this - this - this diabolical deed?

EHUD I ...

HOLOF. Excuse my butting in on what promises to be a delicate family discussion, but your nephew needs some minor medical treatment - with your permission ... ?

UZZIAH Why yes, of course, it is indeed magnanimous of you show such consideration.

HOLOF. Pray don't mention it, Councillor. See to it, Bagoas, will you? -

BAGOAS Certainly, sir. (Exit with Ehud and Judith.)

HOLOF. - and now, with thanks for your solicitude, and without wishing to deprive you of the appropriate courtesies, I do have work to do; if you will pardon me ...

UZZIAH Of course, General, I apologise for taking up so much of your valuable time, on a day that has already seen such disturbance. But if I may impose still further on your forbearance and generosity ...

HOLOF. Yes?

UZZIAH I hardly know how to proceed. But I am anxious for my nephew. He deserves due punishment, of course, and I should be the last to stand in the way of it; but I do beseech you - not only for the sake of my family, but also for the sake of the good relations that have existed, and I hope will still continue, between our people and your administration - to temper justice with the mercy that I am convinced from past experience will accord with your own inclination.

HOLOF. A natural request, although from his attitude earlier I suspect he'd hardly appreciate it. Actually, I can sympathise with his motives, if not with his actions. What I have in mind ... but perhaps you could help me there.

UZZIAH I should esteem it a great privilege to be permitted anything that might help to bring this unhappy episode to something approaching a tolerable conclusion.

HOLOF. Good. I need to know something of your nephew's education. He mentioned a firm of accountants that he hoped to join: is he then to be articled, or whatever the arrangements are here?

UZZIAH Yes, that was it, to Onias and Abiathar - an old-established firm, but anxious to keep up with modern methods. It has long-standing connections with our family, and when Ehud showed an interest in economics -

HOLOF. Ah! - I'm sorry, Councillor - please go on.

UZZIAH - and in fact seemed likely to gain an excellent degree in the subject, I arranged for him to spend a preliminary period working with them during his previous vacation. Their report, if I may say so without excessive indulgence in family pride, confirmed all my hopes and expectations. But now, of course, it seems he has thrown all that away. Ah, the folly of youth ...(sinking back in despair.)

HOLOF. At home we have a proverb about counting chickens. Perhaps we ought to have one about dragons, too. Your nephew is obviously too talented to waste -

UZZIAH (brightening) Indeed I am most relieved to hear you say that, General. My gratitude and the thanks of my household will always be yours.

HOLOF. You may be less grateful when you hear what I'm thinking. But there's one other thing. Your nephew mentioned the family's being the foremost in Bethulia -

UZZIAH Yes, I think that without undue vanity we could claim that eminence.

HOLOF. - so that even apart from the distinction that you yourself have brought to it, a member of that family could fairly be described as "of the highest standing in the community"?

UZZIAH (beginning to be rather puzzled) Yes, that is so. But I am afraid that the purpose of this line of questioning eludes me.

HOLOF. I'm sorry, Councillor. I'd better come straight to the point. You're aware, of course, of the preparations being made for a hand-over to civilian administration.

UZZIAH Naturally, General - I have myself been involved in some of the negotiations.

HOLOF. As you say. Well, the latest instruction is to appoint a local Chief Inspector of Taxes within a month. In my own country such a post would be highly regarded, but here, in the circumstances, it may be rather different.

UZZIAH Indeed. If you will pardon my speaking with more frankness than diplomacy, it would be considered utterly despicable to collect taxes for the occupying power.

HOLOF. Exactly. But as it's necessary to pave the way for an honourable return to self-government, would that fact mitigate the disgrace?

UZZIAH (doubtfully) I suppose there might be some possibility of so representing it.

HOLOF. Then could you, do you think, persuade your nephew to accept the post, with the temporary opprobrium as a substitute for a more formal punishment?

UZZIAH He has always had a particularly well-developed sense of family honour ...

HOLOF. Please remember, Councillor, that this kind of transitional period is always particularly dangerous, and without any wish to be vindictive, I do have to deter further violence. This way gives him a constructive task and a chance to restore his personal honour. At any rate, it's the best I can offer.

UZZIAH I see your point, General. I shall try to impress it upon him. (Moving to go) And please accept the expression, however inadequate, of a gratitude that I cannot begin to put into suitable words.

HOLOF. Your thanks are accepted in the spirit in which they are offered. (Escorting Uzziah to the door.) Good day to you, Councillor.

UZZIAH Good day, General.

HOLOF. It is a source of perpetual astonishment - oh lord, it's catching! - it beats me how everyone in this place seems to be related to everyone else.

BAGOAS (grinning) Has the old fool gone?

HOLOF. The Councillor has indeed gone - fortunately for you, after that remark. Do I detect a certain lack of respect towards our civic dignitaries?

BAGOAS Well, you surely can't take Fuzzy Uzzy seriously.

HOLOF. You'll be making a big mistake if you don't.

BAGOAS Oh?

HOLOF. Bagoas, what was the very first lesson they dinned into you at the Academy?

BAGOAS Never under-estimate the enemy.

HOLOF. And the same applies in any confrontation. The next time you talk to Uzziah, watch his eyes. I'm pretty sure there's a very shrewd brain ticking away behind there while the tongue's on automatic pilot. So for goodness' sake be careful.

BAGOAS Right, sir. I'll remember. (Bumping into Judith at the door) Sorry, Miss. (Exit.)

JUDITH I've left him in the sick bay. They don't think there's any serious damage, but they want some more checks. What's going to happen to him?

HOLOF. That's what I've been discussing - at some length - with Councillor Uzziah.

JUDITH Dear old Uncle. He's a long-winded bore, but he does mean well, you know.

HOLOF. I'm sure. I've tried to persuade him that giving Ehud the post of Chief Tax Inspector is not too great a disgrace to match the case.

JUDITH That won't please Ehud - but it's generous of you to work it like that.

HOLOF. "Assyrian bestiality," eh?

JUDITH Don't. I wish I'd never said that.

HOLOF. It does have a real foundation, you know.

JUDITH Then it must be buried very deep. Since I first came to see you, there's been nothing but the utmost civility from your men.

HOLOF. So I should hope. The General's mistress does have a privileged position.

JUDITH But I'm not the General's mistress! Not in any real sense. Three months I've been here, and you've never so much as touched me!

HOLOF. Your obvious distaste left little choice for my own self-respect. You're not complaining, are you?

JUDITH No, of course n ... (Suddenly realising) Yes, heaven help me, I damn well am!

HOLOF. (delightedly astonished) What? You are? That puts a different complexion on it altogether ... In which case ...

ACT 2: Autumn.

HOLOF. Oh, hello. How did the party go?

JUDITH Very well, thanks. And the guest of honour has been duly seen off the premises. She seemed to think coming here quite a treat.

HOLOF. Something out of the ordinary, I suppose. It might be rather difficult if too many did it.

JUDITH How about your session?

HOLOF. Oh, you won't have heard about that. Postponed. Apparently a Lady Athalia Orm ... Omriston complained about the original timing for some reason, so it's been put back to this evening. Damned awkward for everyone else, especially at such short notice, but it seems that Lady A. is used to getting her own way and no one has the guts to cross her.

JUDITH Yes, that's the usual way of it. I've had trouble with her odd fancies before. She's Chairman of the Board of Governors, you know.

HOLOF. Of the school?

JUDITH Yes. And takes her duties very seriously - always has to have the last word. On everything. Everyone round these parts knows her for it.

HOLOF. Then how come I haven't run across her before? I thought I'd met all the notables in the course of duty.

JUDITH She was abroad at the start of the war and couldn't get back until it was over. Then she saw what a mess the Hall was in and went off on one of her cures.

HOLOF. What's the matter with her?

JUDITH She has a weak heart, I believe, and some trouble with her legs. Plus a host of more or less imaginary complications. She rather plays on them, especially if things aren't going quite to her liking.

HOLOF. I know the kind.

JUDITH But she's absolutely straight, I'll say that for her. And when her mind's made up, she sticks to it. Er - have you about finished your paperwork?

HOLOF. Pretty nearly. Just a few more odds and ends - nothing terribly vital.

JUDITH Could you look at this, then?

HOLOF. What is it?

JUDITH Just a package that Ruth brought for you.

HOLOF. Why for me? I thought it was she who was getting the presents today.

JUDITH There's a covering note that I imagine will explain it.

HOLOF. "Dear General Holofernes, Auntie Judith told me that Ehud had been very naughty and you might have sent him away for a long time, but you let him off and gave him a job here instead. I wanted to thank you myself but Auntie said you were always busy, so here's a little present." Three X's. "Ruth." That's very sweet of her, but I wish she wouldn't. What is it, anyway?

JUDITH Why not open it? Captain Bagoas has already checked it for wires and batteries.

HOLOF. Trust him! (Opening the packet) "The Bumper Book of Crosswords." How on earth did she know I was keen on those?

JUDITH Well, Ehud likes them, and she probably thought you'd be the same.

HOLOF. Don't let me forget to send a note of thanks - hope she can read my writing. But why should she send me a present simply for giving Ehud his just deserts in a rather unconventional way?

JUDITH She's very attached to him, you know. With their father dying when she was only small, he's been practically a parent as well as a brother to her. She fretted enough while he was away studying, especially this last year when he didn't get home for the spring vacation. Any longer would have been shattering. And Uncle Uzziah made quite a meal of praising your generosity when he was explaining about Ehud's new post.

HOLOF. Is there any topic he doesn't make a meal of?

JUDITH He isn't usually quite so verbose with the family, particularly those two.

HOLOF. Somehow I can't imagine him as a family man; more as having been born addressing a committee and never stopped.

JUDITH He's very fond of Ruth and Ehud. I suppose in a way they take the place of his own grown-up children, at least until there's another generation.

HOLOF. Odd that they should both be so young.

JUDITH (teasing) I'd have thought it followed naturally from when they were born.

HOLOF. You know what I mean. Uzziah said they were his elder brother's children.

JUDITH Elder by quite a few years. But Gera's first wife had none, and when she died, he married a young cousin of hers in the hope of raising a family.

HOLOF. More cousins! Is everyone around here related to everyone else?

JUDITH It's a tradition to marry within the clan. Anyway, Anna did the trick. Though there were some ribald comments about her wearing Gera out in the process.

BAGOAS (entering with a paper) Sorry to interrupt, sir, but there's a message for you - special delivery.

HOLOF. What about? Excuse me, Judith.

BAGOAS Something to do with the tax system, apparently.

HOLOF. Yes. From our Chief Inspector of Taxes. Why the urgency, I wonder? (After a few moments' perusal he suddenly stiffens) Ah! Have you actually studied this?

BAGOAS Just a quick look - all I could stand.

HOLOF. What do you make of it?

BAGOAS Not much. But then economics was never my strong point.

HOLOF. Nor mine But there's one striking thing about this as a piece of literature, apart from the touch of Uncle Uzziah's style. Here, take another look.

BAGOAS (after a brief study) Maybe I'm a bit dim, but it seems ordinary enough to me - the usual sort of guff from that department. "Assuming a growth rate in the economy of 5% per annum ... " - my mind just switches off.

HOLOF. Camouflage, Bagoas, camouflage. You didn't happen to overhear Miss Binmerari say that Gerason liked crossword puzzles, did you?

BAGOAS What? ... Oh, just a minute ... I get it. Down the left-hand column. "Assyrian rule is corrupt and inefficient." Why, the ...!

HOLOF. Not very original. Didn't you once say something about his always talking in clichés? Come to that, I don't think it's particularly true, either.

BAGOAS Are there any other hidden messages?

HOLOF. Not that I can see. Just a simple acrostic - the initial letters of each line.

BAGOAS Couldn't be accidental, could it?

HOLOF. The chances against that would be - well, I can't be bothered to work them out, but past belief anyway.

BAGOAS What are you going to do about it, sir?

HOLOF. Play it very coolly for the moment, I think. There must be some point in sending it like this, so easy to spot. And drawing attention to it with a special messenger when on the face of it the normal service would be quite fast enough.

BAGOAS As though he wanted you to realise what he was doing.

HOLOF. Exactly. I wonder what the young devil thinks he's up to. And where else he's sent it. A bit late today ... See if you can find out tomorrow, will you?

BAGOAS Right, sir.

HOLOF. For the moment, I think a reply in kind is called for ... Now then - an odd sheet of paper ... (Marking the start of five lines) W-a-t-c-h ...

BAGOAS (reminded to look at his watch) Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but it's about time you were off.

HOLOF. What, already? Sorry, Judith, I'll have to dash. Hours of stale speeches and boring sandwiches. Thank goodness it's only over the way - I may be able to sneak out for a bit of relief occasionally.

BAGOAS Do you think that wise, sir? When things are so touchy these days?

HOLOF. All right, only joking. But if you're suddenly presented with some little crisis that'll call me away after an hour or so, I shan't complain! (Exit.)

JUDITH (putting away her pad) Does he really loathe these occasions as much as he makes out?

BAGOAS It depends. If it's just the ordinary chit-chat, he has to force himself to stand it, but occasionally he bumps into someone really worth talking to.

JUDITH (with feeling) That takes some imagining!

BAGOAS Yes. Usually it's just a string of conventional civilities to keep in well with the local bigwigs - an hour's boredom now that may save a real crisis later on. And he's got the knack of putting on a show of politeness with his mind on something else altogether.

JUDITH So I've noticed. Oh, am I keeping you from anything?

BAGOAS Perhaps I ought to be thinking about a reply to your cousin's puzzle-piece. Where's that paper?

BAGOAS Ah. The left-hand column beginning with "Watch ..." How about "Watch your step"?

JUDITH Presumably what he intended.

BAGOAS I'll just rough out some ideas for the lines across - tidy them up later. Mmm. how about - (he jots down his ideas for the text)

Without wishing to criticise the manifest efforts you have made to achieve

a reasonable tax régime for the coming years, I rather suspect

that you may be putting the date for reaching a balance between

calculated income and expenditure somewhat too far in the future to

have much chance of acceptance.

There's the "Watch". That's a start, anyway.

JUDITH Brilliant.

BAGOAS Not bad, is it? Now for the next bit

You may also find it safer, if perhaps regrettable, to be a little less

optimistic about the rate of growth in the economy. Depending so much

upon a rate as high as 5% could lead quickly to very undesirable

repercussions if it should not in fact be realised.

This is almost too easy. There must be a snag somewhere. Now for the last paragraph.

Supposing that a balance in the first or at latest the second year is

to be required, what average tax rate do you think will match the

expected proposals of the spending ministries in so far as it may be

possible to predict them?

There. I'll have to see what the General thinks of it, of course.

JUDITH Looks pretty good to me.

BAGOAS Yes, I think something like that will probably appeal to him. He's always tended to slide into the style of whoever he's dealing with.

JUDITH Always?

BAGOAS Well, all the time I've known him, at any rate.

JUDITH Which is ...?

BAGOAS As his ADC - about three or four years, it must be.

JUDITH Long enough to know him pretty well, I imagine.

BAGOAS Probably none better - apart from ... (stopping in embarrassment.)

JUDITH Yes, there's that, of course. But I meant professionally. There always seems to be a closed door in his mind that I can't get through. Do you know what's behind it?

BAGOAS I'm not quite sure what you mean. But it could be the other half of his personality.

JUDITH Go on - don't leave me in suspense!

BAGOAS Well, for the last six months you've seen the Administrator. Don't forget he's still the General, too. And you don't get to that position just by politeness.

JUDITH I'd wondered about that. He does give the impression of being almost too civilised.

BAGOAS Yes. When tact is needed he can lay it on with a trowel.

JUDITH (drily) Quite.

BAGOAS But he isn't always like that. You should see him when his temper's roused - no, on second thoughts, you'd better not. Though it isn't as dangerous as his cold anger. It's definitely not a good idea to get in the way of that. But going by the tales I've heard from old soldiers in his earlier campaigns, he's nothing to the so-and-so he used to be. In fact, when he commanded the First Regiment of Guards, they called him the "Tiger of the Euphrates."

JUDITH Come off it! Even I know Nineveh's on the Tigris.

BAGOAS His family came from the West. And in any case, "Tiger of the Tigris" sounds rather silly, doesn't it?

JUDITH I suppose it does. What tamed the tiger, then?

BAGOAS I wouldn't say he was tamed; more self-controlled, perhaps. The story goes that there was a sudden change after the Battle of Ecbatana, about fifteen - no, twenty years ago - long before I had anything to do with him or the army, of course. He doesn't talk about it, but apparently something pretty drastic happened there. Since then they say he's been a lot quieter and more calculating.

BAGOAS Something wrong, sir? You've scarcely been gone five minutes.

HOLOF. Yes, it damn well is. I've never been so insulted in my life.

BAGOAS By what, sir?

HOLOF. The whole set-up. First of all ...

UZZIAH (hurrying in, very much out of breath) Please, Your Excellency, I beg you not to be hasty - I'm sure that some innocent explanation can be found for what I must admit appears at first sight to be a profoundly deplorable breach of protocol and indeed of common courtesy.

HOLOF. Innocent explanation ...! (controlling himself with difficulty) I'm sorry, Councillor, I shouldn't forget my own manners. Please be seated. Bagoas, a chair ...

UZZIAH Thank you - I should indeed be relieved to do so.

UZZIAH I'm afraid that I am not really in a suitable condition for running about like this - the passage of the years, you know ...

HOLOF. My sympathies. Can I offer you any restorative?

UZZIAH You are most kind, but no, thank you; a moment's rest should enable me to recover some semblance of decorum. (He pauses, slowly regaining composure.) That's better.

HOLOF. Good. But you were saying something about an innocent explanation. Can you suggest one?

UZZIAH So far, I fear that none occurs to me; but the events are still very close upon us - given a little time for thought ... (He gestures helplessly.)

HOLOF. I could stand the affront to myself, but not to my country. The speech alone could have started another war not so long ago, and as for the insult to our national colours in the washroom - well, words fail me.

UZZIAH But I feel sure that so far as that is concerned, it was no more than a most unfortunate coincidence. After all, with the continuing shortages of domestic supplies as of so much else, we all have to make do with whatever we can get.

HOLOF. That's as may be. But I've never before seen those particular shades of purple and gold in toilet paper. If that wasn't deliberately contrived - and with the difficulties you've pointed out it must have been planned long ago - then I'll go back to kindergarten. (With a determined effort to control himself) However, there's no use in blowing my top. The question is, what's to be done? Presumably these demonstrations represent a more general underlying feeling.

UZZIAH I fear that you may have an element of justification in that surmise. Not all our people appreciate the calm and stability that the suspension of normal political processes has permitted during the period of Assyrian administration. There may well be a feeling that a return to the practices and opportunities that pertained before the war is becoming somewhat overdue.

HOLOF. Perhaps a feeling that you yourself may share to some perceptible extent? However diplomatically you'd express it.

UZZIAH But Your Excellency surely knows how deeply I appreciate your attempts - I should say, your success - in conducting the government of this country as humanely as is possible - quite apart from the special grounds that my own family has for gratitude on a personal level.

HOLOF. Indeed. You and your connections have made that gratitude abundantly clear, and it's been a great help to me. But I imagine that some of you might not find it an insupportable inconvenience to express your thanks by way of the postal service to Nineveh?

UZZIAH With your customary delicacy you have, I confess, given the nail a fairly accurate tap on the head.

HOLOF. Well, it won't be long now. The orders have come, and in a month we'll be moving back to Assyria. We just have to keep things going as smoothly as may be until then. After that it's your own people's problem - young Ehud and his like can have their heads. But I'm going to make quite sure they don't have mine as well!

UZZIAH Of course, you must take whatever steps you feel necessary to prevent the situation from getting out of hand. If I can be of any assistance ...

HOLOF. Thank you, Councillor, I'd be very glad of it. But you've had a tiring day, and so have I; can we fix another appointment?

UZZIAH (his pomposity slipping for a moment) You're quite right, I don't feel up to it today. (Recovering his normal manner) But I should not like to feel that I had disrupted your timetable unduly. Would - ah - Friday at ten o'clock be convenient?

HOLOF. (consulting diary) Yes, that's clear enough. Until Friday, then ...

UZZIAH Good evening, General. I trust that we shall be able to find a way of accommodating the ambitions of our aspiring politicians without detriment to the good relations that have been so carefully built up between us. And thank you. (Exit.)

HOLOF. For what, I wonder? Oh, never mind. Sufficient unto the day ... Sorry, Judith, I shouldn't have put you through all that blasting.

JUDITH Not such a blast as it might have been a few years ago, I gather.

HOLOF. (with a mock-accusing glance at Bagoas) Someone's been talking, it seems.

BAGOAS Just a casual conversation, sir. Perhaps I'd better get on. Oh, I've drafted a reply to Mr. Gerason, working on the lines that you started; it's on your desk.

HOLOF. Thanks, Bagoas. I'll have a look at it. You may as well pack in for the day when you've tidied up.

BAGOAS Right, sir. Thank you. Good night.

HOLOF. Bagoas is learning - he could probably do a very creditable take-off of me by now. This should serve very well. But we must find out what that young rogue of a Tax Inspector's up to. Don't want any more trouble.

JUDITH (after a pause while Holofernes tidies his desk) What happened at the battle of Ecbatana?

HOLOF. So you've heard about that, too, have you?

JUDITH Only a mention - with a suggestion that it must have been pretty traumatic.

HOLOF. Hmm. You could say that. I'm not sure how well I can explain it.

JUDITH I'd like you to try.

HOLOF. All right, I'll do my best. You've never seen the sack of a city, I imagine?

JUDITH No, thank God.

HOLOF. You're right to be thankful. It's an ugly business at the best of times. Ecbatana came at the end of a particularly bitter campaign, and I'm afraid our men let themselves go rather more than usual. That was in the days when "Assyrian bestiality" really meant something. I had orders to search personally for the enemy general when it was over - I'd met him before the war, so the C-in-C thought I'd a better chance of recognising him than anyone else on the staff. He had a big house on the outskirts, and I went through it with a squad of the Guards. It was a shambles - wreckage everywhere, and not a soul left alive from basement to attic. Then we came to the garden. (Pausing, lost in memory) And out there, cowering in the shrubbery, was a little girl, about six or seven years old. All her family had been killed; she had no one left in the world - and the only concern she showed was that I shouldn't hurt the pet rabbit she was clutching. (A longer pause.) It shook me. Since then I've made it a rule, as far as I could, to get the fighting over as quickly as possible - none of this "minimum force" nonsense that just drags out the misery - but after that, no unnecessary harm to anyone.

JUDITH And so came the velvet glove approach. (He nods.) What happened to the girl?

HOLOF. What could I do? Most soldiers who are any good have a soft spot, and little Sarah touched it. We looked after her, of course. She became quite a favourite in the HQ: even the CSM, who prided himself on his hardness - even he took to her. In fact he rather fancied himself as a handyman, and knocked up a hutch for the rabbit. My squad got quite a name for scrounging cookhouse scraps to feed it. We kept a look-out for any of her family that might have survived, but none turned up. Eventually, when we came home, I adopted her - my wife had always loved children, and we couldn't have any of our own. (Showing the desk photograph, smiling) I believe she caused considerable havoc among the young gentlemen of the Military Academy until she settled down. And she still breeds rabbits.

JUDITH (after a short pause) Quite a story.

HOLOF. One I don't often tell. It might give the wrong impression.

JUDITH Talking of wrong impressions - it occurs to me to wonder what you'd have done to Ehud if Uncle Uzziah and I hadn't pleaded for him.

HOLOF. I'm not sure. Probably much the same.

JUDITH I was beginning to suspect that. (Struck by another thought) And going back a bit further - those girls I first came to see you about.

HOLOF. Yes?

JUDITH (with the beginnings of an ominous tone) Would you really have done what you threatened?

HOLOF. I don't remember threatening them with anything in particular.

JUDITH Oh yes you did. Turning them into ... Just a minute, though ... Come to think of it, it was all hints and suggestions - nothing concrete at all. What exactly would have happened to them if I hadn't butted in?

HOLOF. I haven't the faintest idea. I'd been discussing it with Bagoas just before you arrived. We couldn't do anything too drastic to mere schoolgirls without raising an almighty outcry - you pointed out the arguments yourself - but it had to be severe enough to warn off anyone else who might have had the same sort of idea. I was stumped until you came along. Fortunately you let me off the hook there.

JUDITH (distinctly angry) So in fact you tricked me into giving myself to you.

HOLOF. (surprised at her mood) I suppose you could look at it that way. But ...

JUDITH What other way is there?

HOLOF. Well, if you recall ...

JUDITH Do you realise that I was intact until then?

HOLOF. You still would be if ...

JUDITH And have you any idea what that means among our people? I don't know about Assyrian women, of course, but here it's the most precious thing a girl can have. I was one of the most respected women in the district: now I've thrown away my good name - in my own eyes as well as in everyone else's - and all for nothing!

HOLOF. But Judith, it was your own ...

JUDITH And now I remember, you made a point of bragging about how cleverly you always got your way by letting people think it was their own idea, or making it the price of letting them do something else that you wanted anyway.

HOLOF. Did I? I might have said something of the sort. But I certainly wasn't ...

JUDITH (by now furious) You actually explained the trap you were setting for me, in the very act of laying it - and I still walked right in. Heavens above, what a fool you must have thought me - what a fool I was!

HOLOF. No, that's the last thing I'd have thought ...

JUDITH Well, you've done it now, anyway.

HOLOF. Done what?

JUDITH You've finished it between us.

HOLOF. But, Judith, it never started between us until ...

JUDITH Oh, shut up. You make me sick - you and your mealy-mouthed self-righteousness. I'm moving straight back to my own quarters. And if you want me again you'll have to come and rape me!

HOLOF. I ...

JUDITH (stalking contemptuously towards the door) But of course, I was forgetting. You haven't the guts for that, have you? "Tiger of the Euphrates" indeed - why, you're nothing but an overgrown pussycat!

HOLOF. Judith -

JUDITH (turning for her parting shot) And a neutered tom at that!

HOLOF. (driven at last beyond endurance; with a roar) Get out, woman! Get out!

ACT 3. Scene 1: The following Friday.

HOLOF. So there we are. Some terrorist activity - rather more than we're letting out to the Press - and a certain amount of fairly vocal discontent, but not as bad as it might be. At least there isn't too much active opposition from the more responsible types.

UZZIAH Nevertheless I could certainly have wished for a calmer period of transition. These alarms and disturbances bode ill for the new administration, and cause me a great deal of anxiety.

HOLOF. Anxiety's the price of power - responsibly exercised, at least. But I don't suppose you need a lecture on that.

UZZIAH I think it would indeed be supererogatory. And there seems to be little else that could usefully be said on the subject for the time being. But while I am here there is one other matter that I ought to mention - I hope you won't consider it an unpardonable liberty, but at the last meeting of the school's Board of Governors, I put forward a suggestion that in recognition of your beneficence to our people in general and to the school in particular, you should be offered an honorary Governorship. The motion met with complete approval, and I should be most gratified if you felt able to take up the position.

HOLOF. Complete approval?

UZZIAH Well, at least there were no objections.

HOLOF. In that case, I shall be delighted to accept. Please convey to the Board my gratitude and appreciation.

UZZIAH With the utmost pleasure. And that brings me to another point. There is to be a further Governor's Meeting on the 5th, when Miss Binmerari's presence will be particularly required. Is there any possibility of her being released by then from custody? - a custody, as I am sure you will need no reminding, to which she submitted voluntarily in the first place?

HOLOF. She could certainly attend under escort.

UZZIAH There, I am afraid, we come to an obstacle. Our Chairman specifically excluded that as an acceptable possibility, for reasons that are not altogether clear to me but are evidently considered decisive.

HOLOF. Then I'm afraid you place me in a difficult position, Councillor. Much as I should like to meet your request, particularly after your earlier news, it just isn't on. You'll remember that the purpose of Miss Binmerari's residence here was to discourage attacks on the garrison. As things are, releasing her could only be taken as a sign of relaxed vigilance - a risk that I'm sure you'll agree would be most unwise.

UZZIAH I do understand, of course, and recognise completely the validity of your point, but on the other hand it does create an impasse to which I can see no real solution and which is bound to cause a substantial degree of, to put it at the lowest, dissatisfaction. One other possibility occurs to me, though: could she be let out for the occasion on parole? I should be happy to add my own guarantee to her word of honour.

HOLOF. I'd accept either without question as far as they go, but there's too much risk of her being forced to break it.

UZZIAH Then I'm afraid I have no further ideas.

HOLOF. You'd be perfectly welcome to hold the meeting here, if that would help. We'll be in the midst of packing, but that shouldn't incommode you too much, I hope.

UZZIAH Now that might be a way round the problem. Yes ... It does seem to represent a compromise that should, as far as I can see, be acceptable to all parties. Thank you, General; I shall tender it to the Executive Committee of the Board and deliver the reply - let me see - would next Friday be early enough?

HOLOF. I should think so. It's a pity in a way that ...

BAGOAS Sorry to barge in like this, but a report's just come in of a big demonstration starting in the main square, and I thought you ought to know straight away.

HOLOF. Yes, quite right - excuse me, Councillor. What's it all about?

BAGOAS Apparently "Assyrians go home," "Home rule for Samaria" and so on.

HOLOF. Leaving it bit late, aren't they? What sort of mood is the crowd in?

BAGOAS So far, noisy but not physically violent, according to the report. Should I call out the riot squad just in case?

HOLOF. Put 'em on standby but keep them out of sight until they're really needed - let's hope they won't be. What are the civil police doing?

BAGOAS They've picked up one or two hooligans that were tagging on and causing mischief. I gather there's a reserve force in case the crowd itself turns nasty.

HOLOF. Right, leave it at that for the time being. No point in looking for trouble, but be ready for it if it happens.

UZZIAH Oh dear, I was hoping to go that way - do you think it would be wise ...?

HOLOF. I think you'd better stay put for a while, Councillor, at least until it's clearer just what's afoot. I'm afraid the waiting room offers poor comfort at the moment, but if you'd care to stay here you'd be most welcome. In fact I may be glad of your advice.

UZZIAH Thank you, you are most considerate, that does seem the best to be made of a troublesome circumstance. I hope I shall not interfere excessively with the performance of your other duties.

HOLOF. I'm sure you won't. Do you need to get a message to anyone?

UZZIAH I was going to call on Councillor Shaphan next. Could you please tell him - with my profound apologies, of course - that I shall be delayed, or perhaps prevented altogether from meeting him today. And that I hope to make another arrangement when I know better myself how I am placed.

HOLOF. Got that, Bagoas?

BAGOAS Yes, sir.

HOLOF. Good. See that I'm briefed as news comes in.

BAGOAS Right, sir. (Exit.)

UZZIAH These commotions are very disquieting, particularly during the closing weeks of your administration.

HOLOF. Always a tricky time. There's a feeling that we're not likely to crack down as hard as before. So long as it's more noise than substance, I'm inclined to let it be. This time the crowd seems to be after something that everyone knows is about to happen anyway, so we'd better wait and see what's really behind it.

HOLOF. More news already?

BAGOAS Something else, and worse. A bunch of terrorists has burst in on a meeting of the Bozrah Town Council and taken the lot as hostages. This is a letter from the Mayor confirming what's happened.

HOLOF. How did it get here?

BAGOAS A messenger brought it - one of the gang, I gather - she's outside now.

HOLOF. She?

BAGOAS Yes - and as tough-looking a chicken as I've ever set eyes on.

HOLOF. How do we know that the letter's authentic?

UZZIAH Perhaps I could help there, General. I've known Mayor Caleb for many years - if I might have a look - thank you, Captain. Yes, that appears to be his signature, I'm afraid - a bit shaky perhaps ...

BAGOAS Written under duress. You can't blame anyone for being shaky.

UZZIAH I do hope no harm will come to him or his colleagues.

HOLOF. So do I. What do these thugs want?

BAGOAS The woman outside is empowered to negotiate, it seems, but won't talk about terms to anyone but yourself.

HOLOF. Then I suppose you'd better bring her in. (Exit Bagoas.) "Troubles never come singly," eh?

UZZIAH That does appear to be true, I fear. If only ... Oh, never mind.

HOLOF. (coldly) You are from Bozrah?

DEBRA Yes.

HOLOF. I'm sure you'll understand that I don't wish to shake hands, Miss ...?

DEBRA Colonel Debra, Political Commissar of the Idumean National Front. And I too have no wish for these effete bourgeois courtesies.

HOLOF. So be it. I understand you're here to negotiate about the hostages your friends are holding.

DEBRA Yes. We have in mind an exchange. You have a number of political prisoners in detention. Right?

HOLOF. Political prisoners? Certainly not.

DEBRA Don't quibble. You hold prisoners for actions undertaken on political grounds - that makes them political prisoners, by my book. Among them are half a dozen of our Freedom Fighters who were captured three weeks ago.

HOLOF. If you mean the murderers who were convicted yesterday of the bomb attack on the Hezekiah Hotel - yes, they are in jail here.

DEBRA Those "murderers," as you call them, were on active service in the Idumean War of Liberation. They are therefore entitled to be treated as prisoners of war, treatment that has unjustifiably been denied to them, and the trial which failed to recognise their status is accordingly invalidated.

HOLOF. Madam, the only fit reply to that is monosyllabic, spherical and plural.

DEBRA You needn't come the clever beggar with me. It doesn't impress. And while we're about it, the style is Colonel.

HOLOF. I'm surprised you worry about such effete bourgeois distinctions.

DEBRA We're not talking about titles of honour. I've earned my rank, and I demand respect for it.

HOLOF. Any jumped-up nobody can have high rank in a private army. But this isn't the time for argument on that score - Colonel.

DEBRA Quite so. But to get to the point. We have the town council of Bozrah - all who were at the meeting, anyway - under guard in the council chamber. It's up to you what happens to them.

HOLOF. What are your terms?

DEBRA If you release our freedom fighters by noon today, then the hostages will also be released unharmed. If not, then half of them will be executed to show we mean business, and you'll have another chance to save the rest. But if by one hour later you're still obstinate, then the executions will be completed. It goes without saying, of course, that they'll proceed immediately upon any attempt to storm the building. Or if I'm prevented from reporting back from time to time.

HOLOF. What guarantee can you give that the deal - if we make one - will be honoured?

DEBRA None. Only my word on the integrity of our forces. But if you're not satisfied with that, you can say good-bye for certain to the Bozrah Town Council.

HOLOF. Hmm. That's straight enough. Noon, you say? An hour's time. You'd better wait while I discuss with the local administration whether it will be possible or desirable to interfere with the course of justice as you demand.

DEBRA Don't give me that. If you want, you can do it on your own authority.

HOLOF. Whether I can or cannot, I don't choose to. Bagoas! See this ... the Colonel to the waiting room. And provide some refreshments.

UZZIAH General, what to you propose to do in this predicament?

HOLOF. As the most readily-available member of the local administration, you might perhaps give me your view.

UZZIAH You place a great responsibility upon my shoulders - a responsibility that I am not sure they are capable of bearing.

HOLOF. Nevertheless I must ask.

UZZIAH Can we perhaps temporise while attempts are made to release the hostages by other means?

HOLOF. That's one possibility. I'm not sure it would work. Our friend out there doesn't seem the type to take flannel.

UZZIAH A most uncompromising woman, I fear. Give me a man to deal with any day.

HOLOF. We have to face the situation as it is, not as we'd like. It seems to me that we have basically three choices: agree to their terms, which if they can be trusted to keep their word would get the hostages released, but on the other hand put six dangerous criminals at liberty and leave the door open to further blackmail; or tell them to go to hell and take the consequences; or as you suggest, put on a show of negotiating while preparing for an assault that would risk the hostages' lives as well as the storming party's. Agreed?

UZZIAH Yes, that does seem to be a fair appreciation of the options.

HOLOF. I'd better see what the local commander there makes of the situation. (Telephoning) Bozrah Command Headquarters? Holofernes. Is Colonel Nebuzaradan there? ... Right, thank you. (A few seconds' wait) What's this about a terrorist attack on the Council Chamber, Nebuzaradan? ... Yes. That ties in with my own information. How many of them are there? ... I see. What are you doing about it? ... So it's stalemate for the moment . . Right. But why do I have to hear about it from the INF themselves rather than from you? ... But it didn't work out like that, did it? ... Never mind that, we can have a post mortem later - all too literally, I dare say. The question is, what are the chances of storming the council chamber inside the next hour without heavy loss of life? ... Don't give me excuses, just the assessment ... All right, ring me back as soon as you have it.

UZZIAH I do hope that there will be no precipitate action.

HOLOF. There isn't much time for any sort of action.

BAGOAS Sorry to disturb you again, sir, but a delegation from the crowd in town wants to see you.

HOLOF. What a time to choose! Tell them I can't ... No, just a moment, it might not be a bad idea to give our friends outside something else to think about. They've probably no more time for the INF than we have. But I'm not putting up with a whole delegation; just bring in their leader.

BAGOAS Very good, sir. (He goes out for a moment, escorts Ehud in during Uzziah's remarks, and leaves again.)

UZZIAH What a day! One thing on top of another - I thought earlier on that things were going quite badly enough, but now it seems like a general collapse of ... Good heavens!

HOLOF. Oh, so it's you, is it?

UZZIAH Ehud, I must say that I am astounded and horrified to see you in this position.

EHUD I might say the same of you. (He lounges insolently in a convenient chair.)

UZZIAH What do you mean by that?

EHUD You, a pillar of the Bethulian establishment, hob-nobbing with the hated Assyrian oppressors.

UZZIAH I'll have you know the "hated Assyrians" have given us better government than we've seen for many a long year.

EHUD There's a word for your sort.

UZZIAH Young man, your behaviour has become increasingly offensive ever since you came down from University. It grieves me beyond measure that you of all people should adopt such an attitude - you who ...

HOLOF. Excuse my interrupting, Councillor, but do you think these personal recriminations could be saved for another occasion? We do have more pressing matters to consider.

UZZIAH Oh, of course, General, I am most genuinely sorry; I fear that the stress of the moment caused me to be somewhat carried away.

HOLOF. Quite understandable. But what, may I ask, is our Chief Inspector of Taxes doing on a working day, leading a demonstration against the present régime, or whatever it is you're protesting about?

EHUD The regulations state quite clearly that senior officials may have time off for public service activities with the permission of their Head of Department - and I've given it. In any case you know perfectly well that I'm only a figurehead, installed for cosmetic purposes: all I have to do is rubber-stamp decisions made for me. A tame monkey could do the job just as well.

HOLOF. And have you left one to do it? No, don't answer that - Seraiah might take umbrage, and we can't afford to lose him. In any case, I seem to recall a certain forecast of tax levels that had the stamp of your own composition.

EHUD Yes, that was mine, I admit it. As the reply was presumably yours.

HOLOF. You presume wrongly. Just what were you playing at with that transparently subversive memo of yours? No one else seems to have seen it.

EHUD Merely checking whether you were awake or not.

HOLOF. I trust you were satisfied. And what are you up to today?

EHUD Oh, yes, we mustn't forget that, must we? I've come to protest about how the administration of the country - the real administration, I mean, not wallpaper jobs like mine - has been concentrated into the hands of a single clique.

HOLOF. Then why all the "Assyrians go home" nonsense?

EHUD Oh, that. The new facing came off some old placards, and we didn't notice at first - they would be the ones at the front, of course. It's the home-grown clique we're really bothered about.

HOLOF. And do your friends object to the clique, or not being in it?

EHUD For the purposes of this discussion, the fact of the clique.

UZZIAH I resent that. All the posts have been filled solely on the grounds of ability.

EHUD And it's pure coincidence, I suppose, that everyone happens to be in the Honoured Society of Foresters?

UZZIAH That has nothing at all to do with it. At least they are capable of putting the right message into their public pronouncements without its falling off. But I suppose you can offer a few candidates for some of the less demanding jobs?

EHUD Funny you should mention that. As it happens we've worked out a complete alternative administration.

HOLOF. With you as its leading light, no doubt.

EHUD However did you guess?

UZZIAH To think that a nephew of mine should be trying to stab us in the back . .

EHUD But if it works, it does keep the business in the family, doesn't it?

HOLOF. Just a minute. Before we get bogged down in mutual accusations, there's a very much more urgent problem I have to deal with. You've presented your protest; I've taken due note of it; have you any further reason for staying?

EHUD My word! Is the ever-courteous General Holofernes actually throwing me out?

UZZIAH You cheeky young ...

HOLOF. If you please, Councillor. Let's stick to matters of substance. (The phone rings) Excuse me. (He answers.) Ah, Nebuzaradan ... An hour and a half to have any real hope? ... Right. Keep me informed of any developments. (He replaces the phone. To Uzziah) In essence, not a cat in hell's chance on that time scale. So it's take it or leave it as far as the INF terms are concerned. (To Ehud) Now if you'd been at your desk, Gerason, instead of gallivanting around the streets, you'd know that an INF hit squad has taken over the Bozrah council building and is holding the members hostage, under threat of death if certain demands aren't met. There are very good reasons for not meeting them, but we obviously don't want a wholesale massacre. And your antics aren't helping at all to find a way out of the wood.

EHUD Can't the Foresters help? Sorry, Uncle.

UZZIAH Ehud, the flippancy of your tone in such dire circumstances appals me. Anyone would think you didn't care about the prospect of having an entire municipal authority wiped out.

EHUD Well, it's one way of changing the Establishment, isn't it?

HOLOF. Is it one you relish facing yourself when your time comes?

EHUD I suppose not. Right. I'll be off. (With rather embarrassed sincerity) Er - General, I hope you find a way of dealing with this.

HOLOF. Thanks. You can tell your pals what's up. No doubt you'll hear the outcome later.

BAGOAS Excuse me - there's an urgent message, sir. It seems the INF squad at Bozrah has got nervous and started killing the hostages.

HOLOF. What? Get that woman in here double quick.

BAGOAS Right, sir. (Exit.)

UZZIAH What are you going to do? Somehow we must stop the rest of these executions.

HOLOF. How? These people obviously aren't to be trusted even as far as the usual run of terrorists.

UZZIAH It looks as though the only way to save our friends - or those who are left of them - is to release the INF men without more ado.

HOLOF. And give way to blackmail?

UZZIAH However unpalatable it may be, there are times when we have to swallow it.

HOLOF. We'll see about that.

HOLOF. What's this about your people killing some of the Bozrah councillors already?

DEBRA Something must have made them think an attack was under way. I did warn you about that.

HOLOF. There was definitely no threat of attack.

DEBRA I must get through and find out what's happening. I'll have to use your phone.

HOLOF. Go ahead.

DEBRA (dialling, waiting a few seconds for her connection and then speaking angrily) Barak? What the hell's going on down there? ... Well it hasn't. Don't you realise you're ruining my bargaining position - and my credibility - by jumping the gun? ... Hold it until you hear from me again in person. Don't do another thing unless you have to. Right? (Replacing the phone) It seems someone's watch was wrong - they thought the first deadline had passed.

HOLOF. Very convincing, I must say. How many of the victims have been killed?

DEBRA Only three or four. There's some confusion. But the rest will be released on the conditions I stated before.

UZZIAH General, you'll have to let the INF prisoners go now. There's no other way.

HOLOF. Hmm ... I see what has to be done - much as it goes against the grain . .

DEBRA I'm not going to have it framed and hung on the wall, you know.

HOLOF. I don't want to risk any mistakes with this.

HOLOF. They'll be with you in an hour or so.

DEBRA (obviously relieved) Very sensible of you. But why so long?

HOLOF. Various measures to be taken.

DEBRA Typical. A pity - for your friends' sakes - that you didn't decide earlier. With every delay there's more risk of misunderstandings. By the way, you realise, I suppose, that the hostages won't be released until we're safely back in our own area? You'd better make our safe conduct water-tight.

HOLOF. It will be. How did you get here?

DEBRA I have a small van - why?

HOLOF. You'll need extra transport to take you all back to the South. Captain Bagoas will make the necessary arrangements.

DEBRA (contemptuously) We don't need your transport. Idumeans aren't too soft to rough it a bit.

HOLOF. I dare say. But however tough you may be, you won't get very far by yourself lugging six coffins.

Scene 2: a fortnight later.

BAGOAS I'm surprised Uzziah hasn't been in to see us off. He's practically haunted the place lately.

HOLOF. Give him a chance. He can only have got back from Bozrah last night, and it must have been a pretty gruelling time for him. The memorial service itself would be tiring enough, and then he'd have to commiserate with all the bereaved relatives.

BAGOAS And blame us for the way it turned out, perhaps.

HOLOF. Maybe.

BAGOAS Just how far do you trust him? (He proffers a paper for sentence.)

HOLOF. Bin. About as far as the sentry on the gate can see him - possibly a yard or two further, given his innate caution. No, that's probably doing him an injustice: I think he's basically well-disposed towards us, and on all the evidence his professions of gratitude are genuine enough. As a rule, his interests have more or less coincided with ours. But in this business, where I went right against his advice, it might be a different matter. And of course, I've no idea at all how his friend Caleb would react.

BAGOAS By all accounts he was lucky - scarcely hurt.

HOLOF. He may still think we ought to have negotiated. More of his colleagues would probably have been saved - in the short term at least.

BAGOAS Having second thoughts, sir?

HOLOF. Not really. Who can tell how things might have turned out? Anyway, Debra's ordering her henchman to hold his horses made up my mind - it just gave enough time for Nebuzaradan to organise his storming party. As it was, getting all the terrorists and losing only a quarter of the council seems to me a pretty fair balance, but the survivors may see it differently.

BAGOAS We didn't get Debra herself.

HOLOF. That's true.

BAGOAS I still think it was a mistake to let her go. (Holding out another paper.)

HOLOF. Do you? - Keep.

BAGOAS Yes, sir - with all respect to your judgement, of course.

HOLOF. She had my promise of safe conduct.

BAGOAS Given under duress.

HOLOF. Yes, but a promise all the same. And if it got around that the word of Holofernes wasn't to be trusted, who's to say what other surety I might have to give? - Bin.

BAGOAS Why should you have to give any surety? Your word goes.

HOLOF. You haven't any children, have you?

BAGOAS Eh? Not married, sir.

HOLOF. Hm. That doesn't quite answer the question - (teasing) I don't suppose your connoisseur's eye for the ladies is entirely theoretical. But anyway, when you do come to raise a family, remember that military-style discipline doesn't always work. You may occasionally have to fall back on "Because I say so," but it leaves simmering resentment. And it's much the same with politicians. - Bin.

BAGOAS Er - I think that's about the lot, sir.

HOLOF. Thank goodness for that. Where on earth does it all come from?

BAGOAS I often wonder. (A door opens and closes off.) Excuse me, I'd better see what that is.

UZZIAH Good morning, General.

HOLOF. Good morning, Councillor. I can hardly ask if you had a pleasant trip, but I hope the occasion wasn't too harrowing.

UZZIAH Thank you. The circumstances were of course deeply distressing, and there was much sorrow among both the remaining councillors and particularly among the relatives of those deceased. Mayor Caleb had recovered somewhat - enough to give the address at the memorial service - but he was still deeply shocked.

HOLOF. He must have been. It's a wonder he was able to do what he did.

UZZIAH A man of iron will and determination, General. He actually asked me to pass on to you his compliments at the way the situation was handled.

HOLOF. Did he indeed? That's very handsome of him, particularly in the circumstances. Please convey to him my appreciation of his courtesy, and my assurance that his message will be given to Colonel Nebuzaradan's men. I was afraid he might believe we ought to have bargained with his captors.

UZZIAH "You can't negotiate with that scum" - his very words, General. He never did have any patience with the INF.

HOLOF. They don't come much lower, it's true.

UZZIAH My own choice, as you will remember, would have been different, but I could not be sure even with hindsight that your contrary decision was mistaken.

HOLOF. Very decent of you to say so, Councillor. Well, we've got the place more or less shipshape just in time for your Governors' Meeting. When I offered it I hadn't bargained for the decision of our Chancellery to bring forward the date for handing over power, and the facilities aren't quite as I'd have hoped to offer. Another day, of course, and the problem would have disappeared.

UZZIAH I suppose so, General. But the meeting won't be actually in here, will it?

HOLOF. I'm afraid it'll have to be. The new administration's taking over the place this very afternoon, and everywhere else is full of painters, decorators and furniture removers applying the finishing touches.

UZZIAH I see. It's fortunate, then, that you are now an honorary member of the Board.

HOLOF. Does that entitle me to attend?

UZZIAH I should have thought so. Although there isn't a direct precedent. I'm not sure what our Chairman will say about it. You have met her, I believe?

HOLOF. Several times lately, on one thing and another. A formidable lady.

UZZIAH Yes, indeed. She sometimes gives an unfortunate impression.

HOLOF. Yes. Though after one or two meetings, I sometimes found myself almost liking the old dragon. At others, I admit, I felt very much like wringing her neck. But we must get on. Will you excuse me a moment to tidy myself up? We've been clearing out papers - you'd never believe how much dust they accumulate.

UZZIAH Oh, I should, General. I've had to do the same job many a time myself.

HOLOF. Right. Oh, shift this case and the waste bin, Bagoas, will you? (Exit to his quarters.)

BAGOAS Very good, sir.

ATHALIA Be careful, you fool. You nearly had me over then. Get me out of this thing if you can't handle it properly.

UZZIAH Good morning, Your Ladyship.

ATHALIA (off) Good morning, Uzziah. If you can call it a good one. Why I have to be dragged out here is beyond me.

UZZIAH But I thought I had explained ...

ATHALIA Oh, don't go on about it. Look out!

BAGOAS Sorry, Lady Ormiston.

ATHALIA Young man - what's your name?

BAGOAS Bagoas, Ma'am.

ATHALIA And your rank?

BAGOAS Captain.

ATHALIA Well, Captain Bagwash, kindly remember that my name is not Ormiston, as you Assyrians always seem to mispronounce it, but Omriston - from my distinguished ancestor Omri.

BAGOAS I'm very sorry, Your Ladyship. I'll try to remember.

ATHALIA Even an Assyrian should be able to remember so simple a thing for the short time it remains necessary. (Enter Holofernes.) Oh, you're here, are you?

HOLOF. Yes, Your Ladyship. But why the surprise?

ATHALIA (ignoring the question) Why on earth don't you get proper ramps for invalid chairs?

HOLOF. I'm sorry, but this is after all a military establishment - however little we try to remind people of the fact. And the number of chair-bound soldiers in my command doesn't warrant special measures. (Muttering) Desk-bound's another matter, of course.

ATHALIA No, not that one, the arms will get in the way if I want to use my hands.

BAGOAS I beg your pardon? Oh, I see. (Another is tried.) How about this one?

ATHALIA Far too uncomfortable. And there's no support at the sides.

BAGOAS (patience a little strained) Well, which one would you like?

ATHALIA They're all pretty much of a muchness. Just a moment, though - that one behind the desk looks as though it might be tolerable.

UZZIAH (horrified) But, My Lady, that is the General's own chair - you could hardly wish to deprive His Excellency of that.

HOLOF. Thank you for your concern, Councillor, but I think I could manage on one of the others just for this meeting.

ATHALIA Not there, you fool, the sun'll be on it in five minutes. Haven't you the sense to realise that I must stay in the shade?

BAGOAS (gritting his teeth) Perhaps Your Ladyship would care to suggest where it ought to be placed?

ATHALIA Oh ... (pointing) Just there will do about as well as anywhere in this hole. But I want it put on record that I greatly resent having to come out here in the first place.

HOLOF. But I thought this meeting was at your own request?

ATHALIA It would have been much more convenient to hold it at the Hall, if it could have been got back into reasonable condition after the damage done in the war. But it hasn't been - thanks to all the restrictions on building materials. And in any case I'm most anxious to have Miss Binmerari present.

HOLOF. That could have been arranged.

ATHALIA With an escort, as you said. And then the tongues would have been wagging all over the town.

HOLOF. Really, I think you could allow us some discretion ...

ATHALIA Discretion my eye. You must know how your men have been - what's the word you use? - "fraternising" with the locals. Though from what I've seen of their carryings-on I'd hardly call them exactly fraternal. And the matter I want to discuss is not a subject for common tittle-tattle.

HOLOF. Could you then give us some idea of what it is - if you're reasonably well settled now?

ATHALIA As soon as Miss Binmerari's here. (To Bagoas) You can go now.

ATHALIA Why can't she be on time when she knows she's wanted?

UZZIAH Actually, Your Ladyship, I think there still wants five minutes before the agreed time.

ATHALIA Nonsense! We should have started three minutes ago.

HOLOF. Then we can only ask you to excuse the fact that all our watches happen to be eight minutes slow. In any case, there are surely others to come?

ATHALIA Everyone else seems to be tied up with the changeover of administration. And there are other reasons, but that's good enough if anyone asks questions. We don't really have a quorum, but no one's noticed that, of course. (Enter Judith.) Ah, here she is at last.

JUDITH Sorry, am I holding things up?

HOLOF. Not at ...

ATHALIA Yes, you are, but now you're here sit down and let's get on with it. Now we ought strictly to have held a full Governors' Meeting to discuss this, but with its being such a delicate matter I thought it best to settle it quietly between ourselves and just present the conclusion to the rest of them. Any objections?

UZZIAH I must confess to being at a total loss to understand what delicate matter it may be that you wish to put before us.

ATHALIA Why, who's to run the school, of course.

HOLOF. Really? You amaze me. I thought it was clearly understood that with the end of military occupation removing the need for Miss Binmerari's continued residence here, she would return automatically to the full performance of her normal duties.

ATHALIA General, I don't remember asking for your observations.

UZZIAH (horrified) My Lady! With all due respect to your own position, there is surely no occasion for gratuitous insults to our distinguished Military Administrator!

ATHALIA Stop crawling, man. There's no longer any occasion for that, either. As he himself said, the Military Administration's coming to an end - in fact, it's practically over already. When you suggested offering him an Honorary Governorship I had no idea it would involve his attending our meetings, and certainly not his taking an active part in them. For the moment we have to meet in his office, and much as I should like to we can't very well turf him out of it, but he's here purely on sufferance.

HOLOF. (icily) Thank you for making the position so crystal clear.

ATHALIA Now for goodness' sake can we get down to business? I dare say you all expected Miss Binmerari to return quietly to her post as though nothing had happened. That, however, is simply not on.

UZZIAH But I am completely astounded! Like His Excellency, I had assumed that nothing but the constraints imposed by her enforced absence from the school premises - constraints now coming to a happy and amicable conclusion - nothing else has prevented her from taking up again the visible occupation of a position that she had held with such eminent success and distinction for the previous five years. And I certainly see no reason why she should not so take it up.

ATHALIA You don't? Then you're a bigger fool than I took you for - and that's saying plenty.

UZZIAH My Lady! I had no idea that my poor talents occupied so low a position in your estim ...

ATHALIA Oh, do stop blathering. The point is that Bethulia Girls' High School is one of the most respected educational establishments in the country. I intend it to remain so.

UZZIAH Yes, but ...

ATHALIA One of its proudest boasts has always been an insistence on an unblemished moral tone. In my view, the residence of its headmistress for several months in a masculine environment, and in particular a military environment, has already compromised that position.

HOLOF. But ...

ATHALIA (talking him down) That may have been tolerable under the peculiar circumstances that obtained lately, but with a return to more normal conditions I insist that any suggestion of impropriety - past, present or future - must be completely dissociated from the school.

HOLOF. Madam, you've made it perfectly clear that you think I have no standing in this meeting, but I must in justice point out that Miss Binmerari's stay here was due solely to concern for the moral welfare of her pupils.

ATHALIA Oh yes, I've heard that story. I must say it always sounded a bit fishy to me. In any case, you'd have to say that, wouldn't you?

HOLOF. As it happens I can prove it.

ATHALIA Oh? How?

HOLOF. (calling) Bagoas, would you dig out the tape covering Miss Binmerari's first visit? I think it's RG35A.

ATHALIA What the devil's all that about?

HOLOF. Well, I've had a great many important discussions here with leaders of the community. I found it desirable to keep a recording of what was said.

ATHALIA So the office is bugged. I might have guessed - just the sort of underhand trick to be expected of the Assyrians.

HOLOF. Regrettably so. But one thing I learned very early in this job was that what a politician thinks he said yesterday seldom bears much resemblance to anyone else's recollection of it today. So I needed something a bit more tangible than mere memory to go on - hence these recordings. Curiously enough, it isn't always the politician who turns out to be wrong when it's checked.

UZZIAH General, what you have just said disturbs me greatly. On many an occasion I have made it abundantly clear that I regarded our discussions as being held in the strictest confidence - confidence that you have often assured me would be respected ...

HOLOF. And that confidence always has been respected. Any passage I needed to preserve for my own use - and they're solely to support my own very fallible memory - has been copied on to an archive tape. That has been kept under secure conditions, and the rest erased.

UZZIAH Without wishing to cast any appearance of doubt on your veracity, General - and in case the question should arise elsewhere - may I have your solemn assurance that there have been no mistakes on that point?

HOLOF. My word of honour. No one but myself - and Captain Bagoas, who in this respect I consider an extension of my own self, with my total trust in his discretion - no one else has access to the tapes, or will have. If I make something of an exception in this one instance, it is solely in Miss Binmerari's own interests. (Enter Bagoas with the tape.) Ah, Bagoas, that was quick - found it?

BAGOAS Yes, sir. And it seems to have been run back already to about the right place.

HOLOF. Good. Now then -

HOLOF. You see?

ATHALIA That's as may be. All very interesting but totally irrelevant. It doesn't alter the fact that Miss Binmerari's personal reputation has been tarnished by her stay here, whatever the reason for it, and I'm not prepared to see her continuing as Headmistress of the school - or indeed in any other position, though that's presumably an academic point.

HOLOF. You astonish me. By all accounts, she's been an outstanding success in the post; how do you propose to follow that?

ATHALIA The Deputy Head is perfectly capable of carrying on. After all, she's been doing the job in all but name for months.

JUDITH She's a perfectly capable administrator, and not at all a bad teacher, but no leader. I don't see her pushing through some of the changes ...

ATHALIA There've been quite enough changes for the time being. A period of stability would be more than welcome. We'll have to advertise the post, of course, and hold a few interviews for the sake of appearances, but Naomi will get the job. Just as well your recorder's switched off, eh, General?

HOLOF. Hmph. It's no longer any concern of mine how you conduct your affairs.

ATHALIA A different word might have been a happier choice. But anyway, that's all I want to discuss here. I'll expect Miss Binmerari's letter of resignation tomorrow. Now get me out of this chair ... Mind my foot, Pugwash, you idiot!

UZZIAH Good day to you, General. Please accept my most profound apologies for the ...

ATHALIA Come along, you old windbag!

HOLOF. Well ...

JUDITH (shattered) I just can't believe it.

HOLOF. I know you can't do a good turn without paying some penalty for it, but this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. Particularly as it's on my account ...

JUDITH But it isn't your fault. You did everything you could ... Thank you for that.

HOLOF. The least I could do.

JUDITH No, it was generous, after - well, you know.

HOLOF. Can't we forget that?

JUDITH No, we can't. It happened and there's no point in pretending it didn't. It hurt too much. I suppose I hurt you, too - I certainly tried to. You can't forget that sort of thing, even when you forgive it.

HOLOF. Can't we do that, at least?

JUDITH (after a moment's hesitation) I'll try. But it may take a while.

HOLOF. I see. What are you going to do now?

JUDITH I don't know.

HOLOF. I suppose there are other good schools?

JUDITH Yes, but they'd want to know why I left here. And the reaction would always be the same.

HOLOF. (after a pause) Why not come back with me?

JUDITH (sharply) What? As a kept woman you sneak out and visit from time to time, when you've nothing better to do? No thank you. Nor as a concubine tolerated in your wife's home.

HOLOF. (quietly) Actually, my wife was killed in the first Samarian raid.

JUDITH (genuinely contrite) What? Oh, I'm sorry - I'd no idea you'd been hit personally. Though someone did once tell me that Assyrian aristocrats' marriages were business arrangements rather than anything else.

HOLOF. There's some truth in that. Certainly our families fixed it up - they're both well connected, and it made a useful alliance. But it wasn't the only consideration, or even the main one. Vashti was capable, a good friend, and as it turned out a first-rate foster-mother to young Sarah. We were very fond of each other. I couldn't have chosen better myself.

JUDITH I wonder you could still treat us without bitterness - whatever your resolve about "no unnecessary harm."

HOLOF. What use is a resolution that fails its first real test? By the end of the war, plenty of Samarians had lost wives, husbands or whole families. I had an idea of how they felt. And adding to their sorrow wouldn't take a jot away from mine.

JUDITH There's such a thing as revenge.

HOLOF. So I've noticed. Still, it's up to ... Sorry, I shouldn't preach a sermon. It doesn't come well from a man of blood.

JUDITH (vehemently) If you're a man of blood, then I'm the Gorgon reincarnated.

HOLOF. (smiling) I must watch out for the serpents. But will you come? There's a big gap to fill.

JUDITH After such a paragon I don't see how you can contemplate it. Apart from anything else, what would your distinguished in-laws think?

HOLOF. I think they'd approve. It was actually her brother who brought her last message to me.

JUDITH I don't see ...

HOLOF. He was visiting on the night the house was hit, and tried to pull her out of the rubble. No use - she was too badly crushed anyway. She just had time to say I should find another wife - someone affectionate but firm enough with the servants - trust her to think of the practical points. He was most emphatic about what she'd said, and that as her last wish he endorsed it. I think you'd fit the bill.

JUDITH So this is a proposal, is it? Not just a proposition.

HOLOF. Yes. I'm getting a bit past the bended knees stuff, but ... well, will you?

JUDITH And you're asking me to be mistress of a pile of rubble?

HOLOF. I don't believe that's what's worrying you. But forget it. Nebuchadnezzar saw to it himself. Say what you like about him, he isn't stingy - at least, not with public funds. A new villa "in recognition of services to the nation," so he said, on a prime site in Babylon facing the Hanging Gardens. Pure coincidence, of course, that it's so far away from court intrigue. Well, what do you think?

JUDITH It's a great honour, of course ...

HOLOF. Damn the honour! I'm asking a favour.

JUDITH I'm sorry. You're very kind and I'm grateful - more than grateful - but no - I couldn't.

HOLOF. Why not?

JUDITH I can't walk out on my own people.

HOLOF. It's they who've thrown you out!

JUDITH Don't ask me to explain any more. Just, please, take no for an answer.

HOLOF. I see.

BAGOAS Everything's ready, sir.

HOLOF. Everything?

BAGOAS Checked and double-checked.

HOLOF. If it is, I'll take my cap off to you. I've never moved yet without leaving something behind. Well, Judith, all the formalities are over already and we're going straight off. Can we give you a lift anywhere?

JUDITH No, thanks. I've a few bits and pieces to sort out still.

HOLOF. Better not be too long about it. The new lot's due to arrive any time now, and I'm not certain how friendly you'd find them. Right - no long farewells; goodbye, thank you for everything, and I hope something will turn up for you. If not ...

JUDITH Goodbye. And it's I who should thank you. (With a quick peck on the cheek) Now be off before I make a complete fool of myself. Goodbye, Bagoas; thanks for all you've done for me. And I didn't see Alcibiades before he disappeared - I wanted to give him something - but it'll have to be just my thanks now. I'll post it later.

BAGOAS I'll tell him. Goodbye, Ma'am.

JUDITH Wait!

JUDITH Damn ... damn ... damn ... damn ... DAMN!

HOLOF. Judith!

JUDITH (jumping up) Oh!

HOLOF. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

JUDITH Did you forget something?

HOLOF. No.

JUDITH Then why have you come back?

HOLOF. I just realised, half a mile down the road, that I couldn't face going on without at least trying once more to persuade you. Will you think again?

HOLOF. Please.

JUDITH (moving decisively from the desk) No. My mind's made up.

HOLOF. Irrevocably?

JUDITH Yes, quite.

HOLOF. But why? Not just that business of leaving your people, surely.

JUDITH No. Can't you see?

HOLOF. No, I can't. (Sinking despondently into the desk chair) Scores of times I've had to sit in this office and turn down petitions, pleas, entreaties ... I don't suppose the people making them could ever see why their particular request had to be refused. Now I know what it feels like on the other side. It isn't easy to accept. But I might be able to take it better if you'd only explain.

JUDITH (at the window) The storm's coming this way. You'd better not waste too much time - the road to the north floods very easily.

HOLOF. Don't change the subject. Please give me your reason.

JUDITH Can you honestly say you haven't an inkling?

HOLOF. None at all - unless it's the business over your schoolgirls. And I thought you were going to try and forgive me for that.

JUDITH (coming up behind and putting her arms round his neck) You great booby! The only reason you can't change my mind is ...

HOLOF. Yes?

JUDITH ... that I've already decided to come with you.

CURTAIN

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