D/s or Abuse?
Submissives Creed
"I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused. I know that submissive does not equal doormat."Dom/mes Creed
"A Dom/me Understands the Fragile nature of Mind and Body and Never violates the Trust Given to Them."safe sane consensual - without all 3 it's abuse
D/s or Abuse?
I have seen so many submissives who come from abusive backgrounds, that I am starting to wonder if there isn't a link between submissive desires and past abuse... I myself come from a background of neglect, physical beatings, and extreme mental abuse.
Yet I know other subs who do not come from abusive backgrounds. Perhaps there are those of us who are inherently submissive, and those of us who have become submissive due to past neglect or abuse... Perhaps some of us are seeking the protection and feeling of being cherished we were deprived of in the past. I don't know... Something to think about.
Abuse is not just physical battering, but can be emotional, or spiritual. I know of a Master who claimed He did no wrong to His sub because He never complained of her servitude, yet He never had anything positive to say about her either. She tells me she had to sit and watch Him flirt and kiss other submissives, yet He didn't even return her own kiss. Isn't neglect harmful to the emotional spirit?
Being from this type of background has caused me some hardship in my adult life, I have had barriers to overcome, and still to overcome, it takes a patient Master to know how to deal with me, as I know I can be frustrating. Trust is very difficult for me, and I test a Master as much as He tests me.
In this page I am going to briefly speak more about mental and emotional abuse rather than the physical... Words hurt more than the physical, and take much longer to heal than physical wounds.
Abused women frequently fall into the trap of self blame. We tell ourselves if we were only worthier then He would love us. That is not the case. We are often humiliated and embarrassed by the abuse, and have a difficult time confiding in anyone regarding the abuse. If you are abused you need to GET OUT of the situation... there is no excuse for Him to abuse you.
Why are we attracted to these men? I am not totally sure, other than these types of Men are very charming at first. Many of them are well respected due to their sense of humour, and winning personalities, (after all, it takes some charm to be an effectively capture your victims) but only their live in partners know how abusive He can be.
These men work hard to gain control over us, and then once we are in submission, everything changes. It can be subtle at first... Starting with crushing our spirit. The abuse may start with convincing you, your not a good sub. He may say things like, "a good sub would submit to this, look she does that" It is a subtle way of destroying your spirit, and stripping you of your sense of self worth, convincing you that you are unworthy because you have not like her. It's really cruel.
Unfortunately, for many of us, our abusive pasts can affect our present lives. We may be in a loving relationship with a Dom, but our trust issues are so deep, we will test Him over and over again. We can be very frustrating to a Master.
Many of us grew up in households that simply made it unsafe for us to be noticed, so we withdrew. For myself, there are things that can trigger issues from the past, and I will withdraw quickly if I I'm being abused. Some subs from abusive pasts set an emotional safe word with their Master to let them know something is wrong. I think its a good idea, and may ask for one from my next Master.
It takes a kind and patient Master to boost our fragile ego's and motivate us to serve and trust Him. I recently read an article at the D/s Times on how one D/s couple dealt with the ghosts from the submissives past. It is very worth reading.
I am not a Psychologist, I speak only from my past experience as an abused woman, and also from my own personal research.
Below I've tried to list some of the signs of abuse.
BDSM
ABUSE
BDSM is consensual.
The abuser doesn't care about having your permission.
A Master will show concern and caring and compassion for you
The abuser is not concerned with your happiness.
Submission is a gift you give out of love and devotion.
The abuser forces your submission without consent
A Master is in control of Himself, punishment is administered only when necessary, and with care and caution
An abuser is not, He may put you on a "hot seat" and scream at you for hours.
Limits are set and a safe word is respected.
An abuser does not allow limits or safe words.
A Master will be concerned with your happiness.
An abuser will not allow you to voice your concerns or unhappiness. In fact, may tell you your emotions are invalid and have no place with Him.
Precautions are taken so as not to cause mental or physical harm
An abuser takes no precautions, and is not concerned with either your emotional and/or your physical safety.
A Master will comfort you after a scene if you desire.
An abuser will walk away with no regard to your feelings
A Master will respect Your limits, pushing them gently
An abuser will degrade and humiliate you, telling you that a good sub wouldn't set limits and He may not respect your safe word.
A Master will understand your need to have fun occasionally.
An abuser will isolate you from family and friends.
A Master keeps His word of honour.
An abuser is not concerned with keeping His promises.
