The On Line Journey

Choosing the Right Partner for YOU

WannabeeDom:  good evening sweetheart
VIXN 2TAME: i'm not your sweetheart
WannabeeDom: i thought you were submissive.. if you were, you would not talk to me like that
VIXN 2TAME: oh ? and what kind of wannabee dom are you that thinks submissives are wallflowers to submit to anyone who contacts them via a chat room?
WannabeeDom: and a true submissive is humble to any potential man's advances until she sees that he is less than master material
VIXN 2TAME: until she sees that he is less"? i rest my case

This is a classic example ( I'll be adding a page specifically for these idiotic attitudes to show you just indeed what NOT to look for)  of someone who thinks we are to be there at their beck and call just because they call themselves Sir, Master, Dom, etc.   The problem is, how is a newcomer to the lifestyle able to recognise the difference?   Lets assume they haven't taken everyone's suggestion and read a lot in order to gain a bit of knowledge.  I mean, you don't have to know how to wield a flogger or to do wax play, but you need to know that THEY do.  People can get hurt.  So my suggestion is, if you haven't read enough to make a GOOD and fair estimation on if you think he's real - by balancing it against what you're read and learned, don't try shopping for a dominant until you do.  

If you think you understand enough to make a fair determination, that's great.  Then begins the search.  

WEEDING OUT THOSE INCREDIBLE IDIOTS:

Chat room contacts starting off with any sexual connotations, questions about your limits, likes and preferences, demands  that you should be calling them "Sir" or "Master" immediately (remember, respect must be earned) , I don't even like the "age, location, got a pic?" questions in the first hour.  If that is the primary objective to them in finding a submissive, fine.  I personally prefer a bit more depth.  But to each his/her own.  

Yes, it is  worthwhile to know that they/you are in the general vicinity that would make a match work.  So, put your county or city of preferences in a profile.  If they can't read, it's their problem.  My motto is "Shoot the incompetent".  Check their profile immediately.  Go with your gut feeling before deciding whether to talk to them.  

Does their profile scream "IDIOT"?  Is the word SEX and "FUN" written all over it?  Does it show honesty or intelligence or at least a hint of it ?  Let's face it.  If you have to brag about who you are, maybe that's because you are not who you think you are.  

Simple, honest, warm, (and even better) intelligent profiles work.  You want someone you can trust and feel safe with.  Remember that while you are looking.  And if after a few minutes of chatting to them you know its not what you are looking for, don't waste their time or yours. Be honest and nicely tell them so.  And don't be afraid to speak up and ask questions.  You are NOT submissive to anyone until you decide to be.  It's about negotiating, finding that right match in compatibility, chemistry, balance.  If they are not willing to answer your questions... then on your bike pal.  

I had a good submissive friend who was talking to a wonderful man. They bonded beautifully.  Same needs, likes, dislikes, location was good, everything seemed perfect.  Except one thing.  He never gave out any personal information or a picture prior to meeting.  Even went as far as to say that he'd met submissives for the first time as they were kneeling and blindfolded in a hotel room.  

Okay if you are willing to take that chance with your life, it's yours to lose.  But don't expect me to be compassionate when you wind up seriously hurt, damaged or dead. Meeting someone like that from the internet would be an incredibly SILLY move.   No matter HOW good someone seems, be SURE you get information.  USE a safe phone call.   Your personal safety should be of the highest priority to you. Fortunately, this submissive was smart.  She told this man after talking to him at great lengths for weeks that, his kind of meeting was not acceptable.  

But the subject of Values and Self Worth is another whole topic below. How can you tell what are the right questions to ask?  Lets look at some.

"How long have you been in the lifestyle?"
 

Answer A: I've always been dominant.  (Hello, having a dominant personality is a bit different than BEING  a dominant in the BDSM lifestyle)
Answer B: Less than a year, I'm just getting into it, or  a vague reference which doesn't say anything.   * Remember that you are new as well, and with both of you not knowing a lot about this lifestyle, this could be dangerous.  You'd be more guinea pig than anything else.  If they've never wielded a flogger or belt strap, and haven't learned what areas NOT to flog (like kidneys) you could be seriously hurt.
Answer C: A few years.  Okay.  So he's been in it a while.. time to ask more questions... like... a few years active? Or a few years interested?  Just an "on line" active - or does he have real time experience?
Answer D: 5 years plus.  If he is being honest, he should have a wealth of knowledge and information.  Time to test that theory further.

"What type of experience do you have?  Did they have a mentor, teacher, how did they learn?"
 Gives him time to expand on the statement, it is a pretty much open ended question, if they get into the logistics of the tools of their trade... floggers, candle play, etc... time to test that.  What type of candles do you use?  If they don't say paraffin or any low burning type of wax candle, preferably unscented, they don't have a clue.  Or I love the ones that say"...well, I've never practiced with a flogger but I've read a lot, so, I do know how"   

"How many submissives have you had?"
 Weigh this with how long in the lifestyle.  One submissive a year is not a bad average.  One every month is.  You wouldn't hire someone who hopped jobs.  The same rules apply.

"What happened to end your last relationship?"
Answers should show respect for the other person, or valid reasons why it ended. People change, people grow. It's a judgment call, but a good question in order for you to help make good decisions.  

"Are you still friends with your former submissives?"  
In the back of your mind think... would you be willing to give them as a reference? If they separated on bad terms, well, it can happen... but to increase your chances of him being admirable, odds are there should be at least one or two relationships that ended on good terms. What he thinks about them shows the type of character  he may have.  

"What do you find is the most important aspect for you as a dominant?"
 If they say sex, run. It's NOT about sex.  Or "having fun".  Open ended questions don't give them any direction as to what you are looking for in an answer.  And when they ask me to clarify the question, I always answer with the fact that it was left open ended for a reason and to answer it however he thinks is best. These types of questions help you to see if you are both on the same wave length both mentally, intellectually, and physically. You can always clarify a question or ask more detailed ones as you talk and find out more.

"What is your philosophy on being a dominant, and/or what is your personal mission statement?"
Tough answers.  But it will show you what he is made of.  Do his answers lie in, "I tell my sub what to do and she'd better do it"?  Or does it show a true understanding about the needs of both people in the relationship and how he fits into that relationship. Is his answer one sided? Does he consider the submissive as an equal (not an equal in control, but in the relationship itself, although many argue that it is not an equal relationship.) ?

"Do you ever own more than one submissive at a time or would you?"
Lets face it. Some are poly, liking several submissives, and is this what you are looking for?  Don't make judgements based on your ethics... it's their life, but you must be able to accept the conditions if you consider them.

"What is the biggest rush for you?"
I love answers such as "seeing my submissive attain new heights, or watching the facial expressions of my submissive as I control her". "Control" is another good one.  Sexual answers in my opinion are worthless.

"What kind of control do you like to have over your submissive in their daily lives?"
Do you want one that tells you what to wear every day, what to do and say? Or just one to guide you? It's a judgment call.

"Are you looking for just a playmate, ownership, or a 24/7 real time relationship?"
It's all in compatibility.

"How much communication and time do you give to your submissive when you are not together and how?"  
Communication is paramount in this lifestyle.  If they are not willing to devote whatever time you feel you need outside of meeting real time and scening, is this what you want?  And just because they say they give a lot of time  doesn't necessarily mean they will.  How often to they stay in touch with you while you are getting to know each other? Does he respond to your emails in a timely manner and answer your questions?  And all forms of communication are important. Phone, on line chats, etc, and not just while they are getting to know you. It has to continue.  Owning a submissive/slave takes WORK.  As a friend of mine puts it so well.. "I'm not a dust me off the shelf blow up doll".   

"What do you require and/or expect from your submissive?
This will give you a general indication if it fits within your personal preferences are and compatibility.

"What is your position on fulfilling the needs of your submissive?"
Your needs ARE important.  Any good dominant will make sure they are fulfilled, because in doing so, you please them more out of wanting to, not because it's expected.  All "me, me, me" answers should be carefully judged and require elaboration.

"What do you feel is the most important aspect in a relationship with a submissive? And how do you make sure that those aspects are obtained?"
 Another really good open ended question that will open up the channels of communication in order to see if his thoughts, ideas, ethics, and morals match yours.

What is a dominant's primary function?
Tough one to answer. But the answers you get will probably range from "I order, you do" to really great responses which go into the depth of promoting well-being, to help a submissive to grow, etc.

How do you create the desire to surrender without placing it on the level of your own needs?
 I LOVE this question. We were in my favourite chat room discussing questions, and one of the doms came up with this. (Thank you for letting me borrow it, Sir!) Each time I've asked it, they've been too floored to be able to answer it easily, but a good dom will think about it for a time then come back with an appropriate response.

What does subspace mean to you?
They may have never been there, but they damn well better know what it's all about if they intend on leading you there.

What do you seek in a submissive? - or What do you look for in a submissive?
Simple question, but are you getting back images of a sleek attractive blonde that he just wants to have wild kinky sex with? Or is he interested in the person as a whole, not concentrating so much on looks as on depth, intelligence, and character. Later on you can get into the nitty gritty of  compatibility issues such as..

How often do you like to get together with your submissive real time?"

"Would you consider yourself more a sadist, or more the opposite type of dominant?"

"What are your favourite types of play?"

"What are your likes and dislikes?"

"Describe one of your methods of discipline and an example of when you'd use it?"

"What is your preferred method of punishment?"

Remember -  Punishment and discipline are not things you are supposed to like.

Does he understand that punishing a masochist by whipping her won't work?  Does he answer that "it depends on the submissive?"  Because if so, it's not a vague answer... he's right.  It DOES depend on the submissive.  If you want clarity, give him an example of the type of submissive and ask him to expand on the answer.

It's not just about D/S questions.  Is he interested in YOU as a person?  Is it his intention to value you for what you are and can give him?  Does he understand that your self worth is as important to you as his is to him?  Do YOU understand his needs and do you feel  that you fit them?  Can you do so as a submissive?  Can you accept that control without too many conflicts?    Just don't forget one thing.  If you are seeking perfection - it doesn't exist.  Dominants are human too. Just like all of us. We grow, we make mistakes, we learn from them.  The key is to do it in a sane, safe and consensual manner.