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by Matthew Wright |
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| WARNING This page gives away the
events of the 2000 season if you want to be suprised don't read but if you want a good
laugh please do. The author has told me he would be happy for some feedback on his work.
Any comments good or bad can be sent to matthew.wright@ukgateway.net This file can also be downloaded as a Word 97 document for offline viewing (The file is 43k) |
* * * |
| Introduction If you were able to see into the future then you would be able to read this about the new season. This is so exclusive it hasn’t even happened yet! |
* * * |
| January Minardi have the shock of a lifetime as the millennium bug causes a malfunction in their computers and alters the database. They report to the FIA that they would like the prize money for winning the constructor’s championships in 1980, 1981, 1986, 1987, 1992, 1993, 1995, 1996 and 1997. Minardi also inform the FIA (by accident) that they have changed their name to Williams. In a further error they register their new drivers as Graham Hill and Fangio. Autosport get into trouble for pointing out that despite the fact that these two drivers are dead and decomposed, they would still do better the real 2000 drivers. |
* * * |
| February This month brings the inevitable unveiling of the new cars. Williams finally admit that their red colour schema is just to confuse Murray Walker and Bernie Ecclestone into thinking that they are Ferrari. McLaren unveiled the new car, which (to the naked eye) looks exactly the same as the last two. When a member of the press asks about this it is discovered that Adrian Newy has infact done nothing in the last twenty-four months (since he left Williams). Ferrari hold their own press conference to show off the new car, but are embarrassed about their new ‘Every One Can Work Scheme’ which is an equal opportunity program made law by the Italian government. The incident was first brought to light by the fact that the car was bright pink for the unveiling. It is reported that this was a mistake by the spray painter who is colour blind. The Jordan show is a spectacular success with fireworks, laser lights, pop bands, the queen and even a giant balloon in the shape of Eddie Jordan’s head. However the show has a disappointing let down, as the car didn’t arrive. It was last reported on the M3 doing two hundred miles and hour down the hard shoulder. Eddie Jordan was not detoured by this, and in a stroke of genius he runs down to a local model shop to buy a model of last year’s car. He quickly builds it and puts it on stage. With a complex system of mirrors the trick almost works, except for a clever and cunning member of the press who points out that the car has Damon Hill’s markings on. Prost have another set back and end up unveiling their new car, which is infact, a pair of roller blades. It is decided that they have to replace these with a car. However Nick Hindfeld refuses to do this after he made the decision that these were more fun. Benetton deny reports that they have had budget cuts after they unveil a Nissan Micra as their championship contender. |
* * * |
| March The formula one season takes off in Melbourne with the first race. Eddie Irvine gets into trouble with Ferrari, when he wonders in wearing his red overalls and starts to talk to Jean Todd. This amazes Schumacher, Irvine never talks to Jean Todd. After three hours some one finally remembers that Irvine now drives for Jaguar. This happens just as Barichello walks in to the pits wearing his white overalls muttering to himself. In a press conference later on Irvine says that he likes the Jaguar and asks the press how they feel about it. One member replies that he doesn’t like fords. The race takes place but Murray Walker isn’t present. He is in his hotel room trying to cope with his jet lag. Martin Brundle manages to fool the world by doing the whole event in his Murray Walker impression. However he is almost discovered when, after a commercial break, he slips into his James Bond routine. The Brazilian Grand Prix was supposed to follow.
However the race was declared void after every driver suffered from the runs and cannot
compete. That is apart from Diniz, who is used to that funny feeling in the stomach. He
competes in the race but retires just two hundred yards from home. He gets out of his car
and runs for the nearest loo, where he spends the next three hours. |
* * * |
| April Ron Denise gets into trouble with the FIA for bringing the sport into disrepute. They say that he has done this by moaning about how Ferrari have apparently been bringing the sport into disrepute. He sarcastically says that he is sorry and pledges his allegiance to the life long cause of letting the Italian team win. Ecclestone lets Denise off and tells him never to do it again. There is trouble at the San Marino Grand Prix as a memorial service to commemorate the death of Ayton Senna ends in tragedy, they still haven’t persecuted anyone. Frank Williams gets worried about the fact that black roses are being sent to his house. His concerns are increased by the fact that large Italian men, who appear to be eating marshmallows come up to him in the street and kiss him on both cheeks. There is a denial by the Italian government that there has been any increase in the amount of illegal arms going into Italy (a spoke person said that the ports couldn’t receive anymore then what was coming in anyway). However despite this Frank Williams decides not to attend the race. At the race Nick Heidfeld decides that he’s had enough of Formula One so he goes back to F3000. To replace his driver Alain Prost buys a waxwork dummy of his old pal Nigel Mansell. With the help of the latest radio control equipment and a modified playstation Prost steers to car from the pits. The car wins the race. However it is disqualified afterwards. During the post-race press conference it is discovered that it wasn’t Nigel Mansell driving, this is discovered because the waxwork dummy has more of a personality. Following this is the British Grand Prix. There is confusion and Arrows don’t show
up. This is put down to the fact that no one remembered to tell them about the change of
date. The owners of the Silverstone circuit spend thousands of pounds as they hire a sky
writer to inform the thousands of fans who are wearing Hill caps, T-shirts and flags that
he has left. This causes mass rioting and escalated into a massive attack by the fans onto
the pits. The Williams, McLaren, Ferrari, Jordan, Benetton and many other cars are
completely wrecked as people search for souvenirs, however the BAR is left fully in tact,
as they have no fans. The race finally takes place. Shummacher later complained about the
safety net that went up at Stowe corner every time he drove past. It was later discovered
that Ferrari had infact paid for it just incase. This causes an argument and Ecclestone is
forced to admit that the new April date for the race was due to him wanting Shummacher to
have more recovery time before the end of the season. |
* * * |
| May The Spanish Grand Prix takes place in Barcelona. Jordan fans go crazy as the first ever Jordan one-two-three happens. It takes place after the start when Frentzen gains the lead, he is closely followed by Trulli. Ten laps from home they are still leading, a full lap ahead of the rest of the pack. Eddie Jordan is ecstatic by this and jumps on his world famous push bike. He hurtles out of the pitlane at a record one hounded and sixty miles an hour. He pelts his way around the track, and six laps later has actually over taken Frentzen. However his lead is short lived after he is brought in for a stop-go penalty, for speeding in the pit lane. He rejoins in third place where he finishes the race. The trophy is presented to him by the guy who played Manuel in Faulty Towers. Jordan gets over excited again and starts doing his impression of John Close in the German episode. Frentzen gets upset and storms off. Prost approaches Jordan, offering to sell his wax work dummy of Mansell. The European Grand Prix is a massive success. The EU single currency
takes a turn for the worst as all the reserves are bet on Schumacher winning the race.
Hakkinen wins, a full four laps ahead of every one else. Martin Brundle points out that it
is a good demonstration of European politics. |
* * * |
| June The action is hotting up, as to is the weather. Villeneuve gets upset about his ice cream melting and runs off, he isn’t seen for over five weeks. Here comes the Monaco Grand Prix. With it all the glamour, showbiz and excitement. Plus all the millions of people who haven’t got a clue what a Formula One car looks like but are only there to be seen. ITV’s ratings are low, to perk them up they decide to run a special feature, where they get a world champion to interview another world champion. First up is Mansell interviewing Hakkinen. The series is aborted after four days, because that’s how long the interview took (it was very exciting- honest). The race takes place behind the usual backdrop of hipe and exciting showbiz stuff, and yes you guessed it the race was one of the most boring events in the history of mankind. Ecclestone needed a plan of action to
bring F1 back into the spotlight, after it had received bad press. He had received bad
press because Benetton was still being allowed to run the Nissan Micra, this was in return
for Ecclestone’s wife being give a discount at the United Colours of Benetton Shop.
As the F1 season headed towards Canada there was a desperate need to vamp ratings. After
all at the end of the Monaco Grand Prix only one person was still watching, and he was
waiting for the cricket to start. To give a new vamped exciting image FOCA introduced a
new set of rules. Cars were now aloud to carry machine guns and an assortment of missiles,
every car was fitted with a jet engine After Damon Hill heard about these new rules, he
announced that he was going to make a return to formula one. He was reported to mutter
under his breath words like "I’ll get that German git.". However it is not
known which German he was talking about. Special dispensation was given to Richard Noble
Racing. They entered (surprisingly) the Thrust SSC craft. It excelled and managed to
actually travel faster then the speed of light, the marshals disqualified the car though
because it had won the race a week last Thursday. The machine guns and other weaponry was
a disappointing mistake. McLaren complained all during the build up to the race. They
threatened to bogiot subsequent races and never to enter another FIA event. The race still
took place. However Shummacher had never realised how unpopular he actually was. After the
first stage of the race he came in to the pits to refuel. As the petrol pumped into the
car the holes in the shell made it sprinkle all over the pitlane. After the race Ferrari
just happened to mention to Ecclestone and Max Mosley that the tem would do better from a
rule change that brought back the old rules. Within ten minutes the new rules were changed
and the old ones were reinstated and Shummacher could buy life insurance again |
* * * |
| July The French Grand Prix took place in the height of controversy. The Thrust Team were not allowed to run. This was due to one major problem they faced, they were winning and they weren’t Ferrari.. Unusually the English ticketing companies had been given full control of the ticket access. However due to the worsening Beef crisis not one ticket was sold to a Frenchman. This matter was raised in the EU. A spokes person for the ticketing company said "What do you mean we should let them in, their French." The Germans and Italians had accepted this argument and the case was closed. Austria was the next track to be visited by the F1 circus. Ecclestone made a mistake and told all the F1 teams that it was a circus. Williams provided the big top. Stewart turned up in flying trapeze gear. Benetton had a clown driving a small Nissan. Eddie Jordan however had not received the memo. He was told about the change on Friday. In a mad panic he ran around the track trying to get things organised. By Sunday morning he had planned for six lions, three chimps, a laser show and four rock groups to play live at the event. Ecclestone realised his mistake when he discovered four clowns in his bus. The race was declared void, however Ferrari still won. The third race in July was in Germany. Hockenium provided an exciting and enthralling
event. The thrills and spills of which will never be seen again. It was an event that will
be unequalled in the entire history of the world. Since the creation of man there has
never been so much excitement, tears, heartache, fear, sorrow, pain, joy, satisfaction and
triumph. I don’t know what the race was like, I never got out of the woods. |
* * * |
| August Hungary provided the scene for the next race. Amazingly the track had been cleaned (note: the temperature in hell was at an all-time low). However an event that was truly unbelievable happened. Ferrari was punished for a crime. Ross Braun had been thrown out of the country after a major diplomatic incident occurred. Ross Braun had offended the locals, the first time went unnoticed but after telling his ‘I am Hungary’ joke a record sixty-seven times he was deported. In a fit of rage many of the Ferrari mechanics walked out of the team. Jean Todd had to train up the temps quickly. He had found an old instructional video and had made the newly appointed mechanics watch it. However Ron Dennis had switched the tape with a recording of the shell advert when no one was looking. On lap twenty-two of the race a giant 747 fuel tank flew over the race track and started to try to refuel Barrichello’s car. The Hungarian army began to get nervous and launched six ground to air missiles. Thirty-three gallons of fuel was spread over the entire track. However Jordan had prepared for such an occurrence seeing at as only inevitable. Eddie pressed a button and two giant funnels appeared on the side of Trulli’s and Frentzen’s cars. The fuel that fell on them was taken into the fuel tank and used. The two cars also came in the put on special tires that prevented the cars from slipping. Belgium provided the following race. Peculiar new sponsorship laws stated
that the cars were not allowed to run with anything that had sponsorship written on it.
Also environmental laws prevented the use of engines. The drivers ran around the 4.3-mile
long circuit. Irvine (always one to provide high-speed entertainment) ran around at two
hundred miles an hour. This was amazing and was only distorted by the fact that it was
faster then the Jaguar could do. After this amazing feat of physical fitness Irvine was
required to submit a blood sample to be tested on. The blood was found to be cheating in
the test so a new sample was taken. However this sample of plasma, water and cells was
still found to be more intelligent then Irvine. The McLaren pair had been disqualified
after they were found to be in contradiction of certain footwear sponsorship laws. They
were both wearing a pair of Nike trainers. |
* * * |
| September Italy provided the unique scene for the next race. Due to a legal argument the following statement is the only one allowed to be printed in the European Union, the editors of this piece would like to thank the lawyer of the entire Italian population for providing it for us. We understand that he is a busy man, who has a lot to do, after all his is the sole lawyer for a law suite involving 70,000 people. We have reprinted the statement below. ‘I hope you understand that the Italians are initially neutral in their great passion for motor sport. They love to see any driver win no matter what their nationality, creed, colour or team. The Italian’s ofcourse loves to see both their teams do well. However it is a long lived tradition in Italy that after the short lived cheer is over there is several hip hip hoarse for other teams. Comments like ‘We beet your stupid fat McLaren arse!’ often are followed by comments like ‘never mind old chap, perhaps McLaren will do better at the next race.’ We deny the rumours that Hakkinen’s car was stopped from winning by a horde of two thousand eight hundred and sixty seven people (who just happened to be wearing red caps, red shirts and red trousers) who stood infront of the car. My clients and I would like to offer our sincere wishes to the six McLaren fans that are still in a comer after they tried to do the same to Michael Shummacher. However it should be noted that motor sport is dangerous and invading a track is not recommended by any body. I thank you for your time and hope that you understand that Ferrari fans are not responsible for this.’ The lawyer that gave the statement was named John Tobb. Who is a small, plump Italian with a bit of a beer gut. USA’s first race in several years was held on September 24th.
Shummacher had been embarrassed and refused to race. It all started when the Jordan
mechanics invited him around for a drink. The idea was to reminisce about all times when
Shummacher used to drive for the team. However after getting very drunk Shummacher woke up
the next day in the Ferrari garage with his hair dyad and his facial features slightly
altered. He had been made to look like a very famous character from German politics
(mainly worked in the 1930’s and early to mid 40’s). |
* * * |
| October The second to last race this year was held at Japan using the famous Suzuka circuit. Jacque Villeneuve made a Pratt of himself. He recently got married to his long standing (and suffering) girlfriend. However transport at the wedding got a bit desperate and he had to use his work car to go on honeymoon. Villeneuve turned up to the race with old tin cans and leather boots tied to the rear of the car. However on the BAR this acted as an aerodynamic aid and gave the team one of their best finishes of their entire career (they finished). However few people watched this race. Dissipate the fact that it could have been a championship decider between Shummacher and Hakkinen. Hakkinen only needed to win to get the championship (sounds familiar). Bookies were offering odd of 6574 to 1 that the championship would not go to the final race (there was no takers). The last race of the
season was at Sepang in Malaysia. All Shummacher had to do to secure the championship was
to come sixth or better. However ten minutes before the race that could realise his dreams
since he was a kid. The race that could justify his entire existence for the past five
years. The race where all he had worked for in the past five years could be brought to a
close. The race before he could win his third driver’s title and become the champion
for Ferrari he gave up and simply said that he couldn’t be bothered. Hakkinen had to
be taken to hospital for massive shook. In an unprecedented move Frentzen became champion.
Eddie Jordan was ecstatic and leaped around the circuit in a fit of joy. He is reported to
still be jumping. |
* * * |
| November The post-race season at the ski slopes started early this year. Irvine wanted to get his own back on Shummacher so he tripped him up on the slopes. Shummacher feel five hundred feet down the slopes and ended up in an Italian’s Fiat Uno. The driver couldn’t believe it his luck and became very excited. Shummacher thought his luck had changed however this man was the only Hakkinen fan in the whole of Italy. Shummacher was last seen in a mental institution in Munich. November also brought the last minute scramble as the lower teams try to find drivers for the following season. Minardi give a press release where they thanked BAR for joining the formula one sport. This is due to the reason that they are no longer the lowest ranked team. |
* * * |
| December Coulthard was haunted by dreams where Hakkinen just wouldn’t go away. He dreams of being at the bank and Hakkinen being infront of him in the cue. He would be in the butchers, and Hakkinen would get the better meat. He would go to the Library and Hakkinen would get the book that Coulthard wanted. Coulthard consulted a shrink about these dreams. After a lot of money was spent and several weeks in therapy the shrink help Coulthard. He pointed out that they weren’t dreams, it was like that in real life |