The Australian Grand Prix

Yes he’s back. The man who gave us the 2000 review whilst other people were still making predictions is here once again. He will be giving us his own special insight every race.

Just One Thing

I’ve been asked to carry on writing for this site, me being the fool that I am have agreed.  Every race will receive the sought of treatment you can expect after reading the 2000 review (by the way if you haven’t read it yet then you should get on your knees and beg god for forgiveness, or just read).  However before I begin there’s just one thing I would like to explain.  Whenever a new F1 journalist or magazine starts up we here about how the promise to be neutral.  I would just like to go on record as saying that I am not.  If you come up to me in the street and ask me who the best team was in Formula 1 I would reply Jordan (well no actually I would probably yell at you loudly and maybe even through in a few insults about your mother, depending on my mood). 

The Build Up

The build up to the Australian Grand Prix is completely different to other races and yet exactly the same.  All race build-ups start the race before.  Oz is no different, its just a shame the race before is in October that’s all.  So all through the winter we here constantly about how wonderful the race will be.  Every little argument that goes on between the management and the workers is leaked for the whole world to hear.  Melbourne has more leaks then Wales!  I’m pleased to say that the race however was worth the wait.

The Wait

All those weeks of waiting.  Paint the fence, spending time with the family, mowing the lawn, tidying the garden, building the model cars, sleeping off the Sunday lunch, painting the house, decorating, going to garden centres, watching the football, going down the park, going shopping and the phrase ‘a month of Sundays’ making you corer under the kitchen table.  Yet now every thing is different, you can do what you really want to do, watch F1!

The Race

I was bitterly disappointed, Murray didn’t say “GO, GO, GO!”.  I’m thinking about complaining to ITV.  Another thing, approximately 150,000 Australians (I apologise if this figure is wrong, and if you spotted that it was I have only one thing to say to you ‘get out more!’) went to the race imagine the amount of beer that was drunk. 

The Australian Air Force put on an amazing display.  A little known fact about the Oz air craft, they are about a foot longer then other planes.  This is to make room for the fridge behind the pilot that keeps the beer cool.  Another little known fact is that they have a device which fits onto the after burner at the back of the aircraft.  This is so that it can double up  as the worlds most expensive Bar-Be-Que. 

People may ask me about how Jordan did with a sarcastic tone in there voice.  Well why would we want to win a race of a national full of beer guzzling, kangaroo hunting, cork hat wearing, crocodile hunting, didgeridoo playing maniacs.  Honestly they are a bunch of alcoholic weird instrument playing mad men.  A bit like the Irish, so why would Jordan want to win the race – Ah.

Schumacher apparently made an off the cuff remark about being the most dangerous man in Oz.  No he isn’t Steve Owerwin is (the crocodile hunter).  If you stand within fifty feet of him your life insurance is invalid. 

I was shocked by Jenson Button.  I didn’t expect him to do so well, even imitating such drivers as Lauda and Schumacher by starting at the back of the grid and getting into the points.  Apparently he could have saved the engine but he was distracted by an ice cream van and he wanted a 99 with a Cadbury’s flake in it. 

So Schumacher 1-3, a Ferrari 1-2, a BAR 4-6.  Honestly some times I think there’s too many numbers in this sport.

Salo (technically a Ferrari driver) thrown out for faulty body work (hum day jar vow).  Why am I thinking that it will be retracted.

The Interview

My being the clever little so and so that I am I managed to get an interview with no less the Jacques Villeneuve the ’97 World Champion, forth in the Australian GP and all round good egg.

Matt:            Congratulations on scoring your first points for BAR Mr. Villeneuve.

JV:            Actually my name is now Jacque Coca cola, Supertek, Reynard, IBM, Tesco Villeneuve.

Matt:    What?

JV:       Yeah it’s part of the new sponsorship details.

Matt:            Anyway moving on.  Hang on your initials are now JCSRITV?

JV:       Yeah cool hay?

Matt:    Do you need an extra long cheque book?

JV:       Not as big as the one used to pay my salary.

Matt:    Listen Jcsritv I make the jokes around here, even though BAR is one big joke.  Mind you most teams do worse in there second season, but after just one race BAR has already got more points then the end of last year.  Hang on they have more points then Jordan, there is something very wrong with this.

JV:       What can I say?

Matt:    Well to start with you can tell me about what sort of things you’ve been up to here at Albert Park?

JV:       Well, testing, qualifying, talking to sponsors and I went on the swings this morning.

Matt:    What?

JV:       Well I wanted a go on the slide, but Mr. Reynard.  Oh sorry Mr. IBM, Supertek, British American Tobacco Reynard wouldn’t let me. 

Matt:    You a fully-grown almost bald man went on the swings.

JV:       Yeah.

Matt:    No wonder your driving for BAR.

Disclaimer

All interviews and comments attributed to other parties may in fact be complete bollocks.  The writer of this piece would just like to say to all parties who wish to make a comment on this, tuff!