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car guide s1
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season two

go to episode

• Just so you know, I'm watching this premiere on my new 21 inch TV, since my old one, which I've had since I was 15, broke this morning. Literally, this morning, I just switched it on, saw Rob Bonnet start reading the football results, and poof, no picture. Guess what I spent the afternoon doing? (Okay, I spent the afternoon watching 'The Two Towers', but I spent the morning shopping for televisions)
• That’s it, the Tobinometer is being dis-assembled and shipped to Switzerland for mending. (The full story of the Tobinometer's decline and fall can be found on the mouse page)
• Very threatening WB voice over "and now the season premiere of Smallville"
• The possible death of Lana is a good way to start a series.
• Fly little sherbet lemon, fly!
• That spaceship doesn’t have a good track record for staying in the air, does it?
• Clark, so much effort for such a little result. Why bother saving Lana?
• Well go towards him Lana!
• If he can't get in, how come she hasn't been sucked out?
• Okay, I've just seen 'The Two Towers' and this still looks impressive
• Leave the evil bearded one! Well Lex had his chance, I don’t have any sympathy for him now. 
• What was the piece of corrugated stuff that fell from the ceiling of the authentic Scottish castle? They really don’t make ancient Scottish castles like they used to. Although, you could question the wisdom of moving an old house across the Atlantic and putting it back together again in tornado country.
• They really got their money’s worth from that wind machine they hired. 
• Oh Jonathan, of all of the pointlessly macho places to have a fight.
• House! Watch out for the flying house! 
• Jonathan, he's still got the tape
• Oh my God! Oz reference to end all Oz references! 's targate' are going to have a problem beating that one. 
• Love this bit, Lana looks dead and Clark looks gorgeous
• That is possibly the best pre titles sequence I've ever seen. I like your new TV
• That’s some shoddy gurney parking in that hospital.
• There is a distinct lack of organisation in this hospital. 
• As do a lot of people Clark
• Pupils, respiration, plus her eyeliner's still perfect
• Doctors never say “she’s gonna be fine”, in case she’s not and you sue. 
• Clark's still got his buttonhole. That was some quality safety pin work from Chloe
• Ruptured spleens are really good as TV injuries. since no one has the faintest idea what spleens do or how serious rupturing one is. All I know is that they're virtually impossible to fish out of a box of drawing pins
• The Luthors put an awful lot of faith in specialists in Metropolis.
• No Dad, you saw the pillar coming towards you. 
• That was a compliment Lex, you're not meant to apologise
• Yeah, unless he was chasing an idiot across open country.
• I’d like to live in tornado country.
• No, he can't kill Nixon. We've seen him in the orange once, he can't go there again
• Why is there a picture frame in the crypt?
• What a horrible way to go, crushed to death by a polystyrene urn
• That lever was no help whatsoever
• Back in 's targate' territory. Everybody's Dorothy this week
• "Mild concussion", and we really can't tell
• Shouldn't she at least have a bruise or two?
• It would be! You should have! 
• Why is Clark looking for his Dad in the barn?
• Lex, this probably isn’t the time. 
• Emotional Lexicon? That's got to be a contradiction in terms
• Hearing Lex's voice might make Jonathan burrow that bit deeper
• Ewww, there's gonna be something gross in that tree. 
• Wow. There’s one for the car chart. Actually that was a little disappointing, the drip was probably oil. I thought it was blood. Yeah, me too, I was expecting half a cow or something. I so thought that was going to be a body. 
• At least it’s a landmark they’ll remember. There can’t be too many cars wedged in trees nearby.
• Somehow the candelabra looks out of place. Didn't know candles were standard issue in a crypt. We're also assuming Jonathan carries a lighter, or that Nixon smokes
• Deep grave, makes it that bit harder to find the body
• Nixon really shouldn’t be giving Jonathan ideas.
• Better than him doing chores on someone else's farm. What use would that be?
• They did keep him because they can’t have children of their own.
• Deluded hick might have been a step to far
• Clark belongs to Clark. Piss off
• I know you’re quite angry Jonathan, but that may have been a bit stupid.
• Eww mental image I didn't need! There are so many better people I could be picturing in bed with Lex right now. I'm surprised you're not. I am, in a cleansing way. Lex and Jonathan maybe, but not Nixon. 
• I'm still not entirely sure about Clark's moral high-ground over Lex's lying
• "I'm all alone and there are wolves..." "...and a turtle's gotten hold of my teeth"
• Is that relief for tornadoes or relief because of the tornadoes? Glad to see that something has stopped all those bloody poetry readings though. I like the thought that someone climbed up a ladder in a tornado in order to change that sign.
• It’s lucky all the missing people had recently had big, clear pictures taken. If I ever go missing, they’re going to have a 5 year old, blurred picture of the back of my head to go on.
• It's just not all of what happened
• Martha interrupts that moment to tell him there's no news?
• First of all why would you put lead in cement? Secondly, why would that stop Clark seeing through the roof, or seeing the large, square, opaque crypt shape in the ground and deciding to try opening it up?
• Why do people have the right to know?
• Actually, if he dies, he still won't get the story out
• And the other three decoy tapes he's hiding
• Jonathan doesn't have a clue about getting out does he?
• That's a bit of a dodgy plan
• A white convertible, how Essex Girl
• Protect you from Nixon, Clark
• Hasn’t anybody noticed there’s a house where there wasn’t one before? 
• Somewhere there is a group of people wandering around looking for their house,“I swear I left it here, right next to the garden..”
• Finally! Thank you, Chloe.
• We've dealt with the dog breed thing before
• Could have told him that was going to happen. In fact, I think I did
• Shouldn't there be a big hole where the tunnel fell in?
• Oh great, meteors. That'll help. ‘In the midst of utter devastation’- even worse things can happen.
• Oh for f***'s sake Lana, shut up about the bloody fairy princess crap. I'm sick of it and it's been 22 episodes. The poor residents of Smallville have had it for over ten years
• Why are there no emergency services looking for Jonathan?
• Is now a good time to apologise for dumping you at the dance?
• Clark has idea how to handle Chloe's apparent sensible disinterest
• That came straight out of the last magazine he read
• Nice conversational escape, "I'm going to go check over here"
• I sympathise with Chloe, but Clark’s dad is missing. She really ought to pull herself together.
• That’s a bit of a weird conversation considering that Clark could be looking for the dead body of his father.
• If she's after a bit of wish fulfillment, she could do a lot worse than the guy standing just to her left
• "Cut off the air" nothing to do with all the dust flying around then. The light's coming in, there must be a way out now
• It's not ironic, it'll just save time. No, it’s not ironic. Dying in the maternity ward of a hospital, now that would be ironic. Convenient yes, ironic no. Someone’s been taking lessons from the Alanis Morisette school of English language. 
• Actually, thinks Jonathan, I just scrambled out from under the bed before the universe realised that a toddler shouldn’t be able to do that.
• Rough acting gig for John Glover this week
• Very quick thinking from Martha
• Nice to see that whilst the tasteless motor home has been mostly destroyed, both the hanging baskets and the two pink plastic flamingoes are unharmed
• I can't believe that all held together while he lifted it up
• 'Roger' now is it? Apparently they've bonded down there
• He’s moving very well for a guy who’s been crushed by an urn and trapped in a rockfall. 
• I can't believe his remote locking still works, that's craftsmanship
• I’d like to see how far Nixon could have lugged Clark’s body, especially considering his car is in a tree. 
• Wow, it’s Super-Jonathan! That was a hell of a leap. Blimey, unexpected agility.  What did they stand Jonathan on to get him to do that?
• Love the way the tree goes 'twwoing' when Jonathan smacks into it
• Joy! After last season Red Riding Hood metaphor, we find out Lex really is hiding a pistol in his knickers!
• What is Lex doing out there any way?
• Eww, corpse! Corpse! Get it off!
• I was wondering how they were going to explain the bullethole in Nixon’s body but then I remembered that the Smallville police were in charge. So no problems then.
• Like you haven't seen her hauling the feed around, you know how strong she is
• I don't know about Jonathan but I'm feeling better
• I love all the bits of plaster over Jonathan’s face. They may as well just bandage his whole head.
• "Thought about..." the fact I'd have to wear an orange jumpsuit again and I just couldn't do it
• There we go, first dumb Kent statement of the season, "One of them is lying..."
• Clark has a point.
• They're going through a huge amount of butterfly tape in this episode
• Go on say thank you, you know you want to. You can see the pain bubbling up
• Gosh, Jonathan is a hairy man.
• On the plus side, she's freeing up no end of disk space What’s the betting Chloe printed them all off before she did that?
• Oh mean computer, she's made the decision once. I knew she couldn’t do it. 
• At least now they have a reason to be mending all those fences
• Yet again, "felt like I was flying" not a metaphor. Either that or the 200mph winds.
• So now Lex can pull all the funny faces he wants at his father and he wouldn’t be able to tell?
• Lex doesn’t look very convinced.
• Normal? In Smallville?
• Maybe because you have all the survival instinct of a suicidally depressed lemming?
• No, just the hopes and wishes of thousands of Smallville fans. 
• "More than meets the eye" Yeah, he's usually wearing a shirt
• Clark wisely shying away from the woman who only want him in case she gets in a car accident
• I reiterate my last comment
• Never heard of the phrase dumb luck?
• Ahh, The Brave Little Spaceship
• If Smallville is the ‘creamed corn capital’, shouldn’t they have somewhere that actually does the creaming?

• Yeah, you can just guess what Clark’s message is going to be - “Hey Whitney, you’re thousands of miles away and your scantily clad girlfriend has just started getting interested in using a videocamera...”
• Look at how far Tom Welling had to bend over then to get into the same shot as Alison Mack. 
• Oh, it was obviously a big deal.
• Forgot all about Smallville, except that Clark didn't e-mail
• Chloe's making the intern up isn't she? Good for her.  I bet she’s made up all sorts of details about him, just in case Clark asked.
• Why are all the chemicals out when they're just watching a film? That's just a acid-based practical joke waiting to happen
• Oh there is no bloody way you would teach in a dress like that even if you had a body like that.
• No! Sex education teachers are always shy, virgin men. It’s some kind of law. 
• For once my reaction's about the same as Lana's
• Copulating lions, oh good. You know, I'd just like to thank whatever scheduling deity I've pissed off that made sure this is the episode showing the week I'm at my parents house
• We had a biology teacher like this, only he was male, blond and incredibly muscular. He was also quite short, and we used to spend every lesson taking it turns to ask for paper from the top shelf so we could watch him turn round and reach
• Poor Clark and his bloody obvious metaphor.
• She's not a real science teacher. A real science teacher would have rolled their eyes, made everyone sit back down and thrown a beaker of water over the screen. They've seen this bursting into flames thing before
• Euch. Lamborghini. You'd have thought Lex would have more class
• Oh, that’s why Lex has turned up.
• Poor Clark feeling a little unloved right now
• Huh? Married? To her? I don’t know why, but I always expect Lex to have better taste than he has. 
• Best Man? That's sweet, but short notice wasn't in it. What about the speech?
• I'm surprised there isn't a clutch of kids round the Lambo
• The sweating isn't attractive on Lex
• Wow! That’s an inch more chest than we’re used to.
• Unless she signs it in Braille, Lionel won't know
• Hathor dust strikes again! I want some! I know they pinched the idea from Stargate, but you'd think they'd be able to afford their own effect
• Empathising with Clark so much right now. Poor, poor Clark.
• Jonathan puns unfortunately then looks uncomfortable
• Martha's starting to think she'll never get grandkids
• I like her gloves.
• That is an impressive last minute wedding.
• Lavender's a good colour on Clark, who'd have thought
• "Sex ed from Mrs. Luthor..." Well, at least she'll know what she's talking about I suppose
• Clark is drinking cherryade, isn’t he. 
• ‘When suddenly’ - I had a guest list, matching suits and a giant marquee.
• I'm very disappointed none of the guests fell in the pool
• Is Lana going to interview any of Whitney's friends for this tape, or just her own?
• That blue dress must have clashed horribly with the marquee
• Notice Lana doesn't actually use the cappuccino machine
• Now there's a conversation that will work well for Clark's pyromaniac tendencies
• If Whitney’s having problems with the basic training, how is he going to cope with the advanced stuff? Basic training is running and jumping right? 
• You did do it Lana
• See, Clark remembers
• Love the way he gets the fire to follow the wires
• Run, you fools! How about grabbing an extinguisher? Someone?
• This is as moody as Clark gets, isn’t it?
• It should be safe for Clark to look up. He's in a shed with his father and some tractor parts, if he's getting turned on by that then firestarting is going to be the least of his problems
• At last something Jonathan can help with, he understands uncontrollable lust. 
• That post looks incredibly uncomfortable for the scarecrow
• Rule one is very important, and I’m glad that Jonathan is reinforcing it. 
• Alone and with suitable reading material
• Ah, discrete!Jonathan
• Love the faces Clark pulls as he tries to set a fire
• Jonathan's not at all bitter about that mailbox is he? You get the impression that Clark got a little carried away with the practicing
• That’s a useful skill, and popcorn with comic timing. I absolutely love the comedy popcorn. That was very, very funny.
• I wonder if he has a 'defrost' setting? Microwave meals should come with Clark instructions.
• Good Clark, not setting people on fire is good, and should be rule two.
• What was that about not practicing in the barn?
• That's a great top on Desiree. I wonder if it's got a built-in bra
• "Like younger men" and in this series, so do I! THAT IS WRONG! THAT IS CHILD ABUSE! Sorry for the capitals, but this is the reason why the Tobinometer went sproing in the first place, because he’s supposed to be a child. However, if she can do it... Hey, I'm just thrilled I've got a TV crush who's actually under forty-five (in fact two crushes, no, three, well four if you count Pete in the shower in 'Shimmer'), the allegedly fifteen thing I can deal with later
• That was a very clever manoeuvre to make TW the right height. 
• I'm impressed, he really has learned control. If this had happened yesterday the barn would be on fire
• Voyeuristic? Clark wasn’t a voyeur, he was taking part.
• "Why would she possibly be interested in you?" Maybe she just wants the instant popcorn
• Clark can't really use the word "Dissing"
• Wondering what hold she has, or what part of Lex she has a hold on?
• Don't run with scissors..?
• Nice break. Did he actually pot anything?
• Six hours did she say? Really? How very restrained of them both. What a waste.
• Whitney needs little hints like that “Keep your head down”. Very sage advice there from Chloe, basically amounting to "Duck!"
• Chloe making sure Lana remembered to press record
• They have a friendship? When did that happen?
• Chloe and Lana needs to organise some kind of timeshare
• Why does Chloe need an excuse to leave? If the other person suddenly has to do something, you just say 's ee you later' and go
• Cool! How many times did that car blow up? I like it when they unnecessarily blow things up.
• Nice to see Clark getting arrested for the one fire he isn't responsible for. Martha has one of those rites of passage moments, first smile, first steps, first arrest...
• Someone has a thing for red underwear and swimming pools
• Oh for god's sake Jonathan, have a good stare and get it over with. She was the one who jumped naked out of the pool, she can't exactly complain
• Why wear the bottoms and not the top?
• Hey, if Martha can do a four tier wedding cake in 48 hours, Chloe and Lana should have been able to manage a sponge with a file in it
• Thankfully, they didn't have an orange jumpsuit in Clark's size
• Two-tone orange walls, blue-painted bars... The Smallville PD have been bunking off all those crime-fighting lectures so they can watch 'Changing Rooms'
• Chloe has to joke about this in the same way I think I would.
• It must have been pretty good sex if they didn't even stop to run for cover 
• It’s a good thing that Desiree was aroused when the meteors hit - if she was bored all she could do is spread tedium through her mouth.
• The Ledger wasn't keen on that much in-depth reporting
• Dangerous ground, Chloe.
• Classic Smallville PD. See an inexplicable fire, release the arsonist! 
• "In the event of my death" there we go, Lex finally getting with the programme. My God, that took him a while. 
• I wonder how long Jonathan's been stood outside that door?
• That's a rifle. I always had Jonathan down as more of the shotgun-wielding type
• That's it Clark, knock someone out on the paneling, then check if they're okay
• Fire, man on fire! Roll Lex! Roll! Didn't you have the talk about this at school? We had the talk when I was in Primary School. One of the things the fireman told us was, if the room was full of smoke, to crawl along the floor to get out. I raised my hand and asked what you do if the carpet is on fire. I never got a satisfactory answer
• Take your hand off the hot metal you stupid woman. 
• Lex should have screamed more when Clark dumped him on his recently flaming back
• Picking up hot baking trays- that's not super powers, that's just practice
• Jonathan gave up on that muffin very quickly. It usually takes four or five tries before someone admits that they really are too hot to eat
• Ah, the traditional 'I'm sorry I let another woman seduce me into trying to kill someone' dinner. Jonathan's right, that does need more than flowers
• That's a very capacious hammock
• Shouldn’t Lex have burns on his body?
• Lana has crap hair!
• Grand Re-reopening
• No coincidence, Clark’s been setting fires by the sunlight glinting off his teeth.
• What secrets and lies?
• The rain shadow effect is done very badly. It's done first, and properly, in 'In Cold Blood'. I thought that was my TV.
• No conversation that starts with "I care about you very much" is ever going to end well. Poor, poor Whitney
• That’s a bitch of a way to dump Whitney. Especially since it's at the end of a tape full of cheery messages of support. I hate Whitney, but that is just low. 

• See, you don't get two minute 'previouslies' on Smallville. If they can assume we know what's going on then why can't 'Buffy' and 'Angel'?
• Got the jitters. Maybe he had to clean Level Three to raise more cash. Oh, is this a Hand of Orlac situation? Because it looks like it. You're awfully fond of the Hand Of Orlac references for someone who's never seen the movie
• Oh, shiny laptop! I have shiny laptop envy and a credit card with a £2500 limit. I’m thinking naughty high-interest thoughts… 
• It must be the end of the day, MR needs to shave his head again
• Good assessment Lex. 
• Extra credit for using "myopic" rather than 's hort-sighted'
• That glass desk looks cool but it’s really impractical for real use.
• That country and western music is a bad sign. It never bodes well. Does every tape left in a truck stereo system for more than two weeks turn into country music, like all tapes left in car stereos morph into the greatest hits of Queen?
• Are they Sunflower seeds? That’s an unusual snack for a truck driver.
• Eeeww! I didn't need to see the spitting. Well done, roll the window down first. I swear that country music lowers people’s IQs. 
• Pete’s got quite a cool car.
• Crashed cars never continue beeping like that in real life.
• Why don't people either leave what they drop or pull over?
• Wow, it ran aground in the sherbet lemon
• How has nobody spotted the sherbet lemon before now? It's been three months, someone must have checked the corn (and yes, corn does need checking occasionally)
• Shouldn't Clark be wearing trainers?
• Excitable! Pete is very cool.
• Love Pete providing his own anticipatory sound-track
• Not green, naked.
• How come the police didn’t... Oh that’s right. Smallville police Tobin, Smallville police. 
• If it does have 'extraterrestrial' written all over it, how can Pete read it?
• Clark trying all the classic excuses, although he forgot 'weather balloon'
• Pete does the equivalent of stealing Clark's blue baby blanket
• Those specialists can’t even teach him to use a white stick properly
• He may not have seen the shrug, but I’m sure Lionel heard the sigh.
• Lionel has very creepy blind eyes
• Of course he did! Messing you around, Lex, is his favourite hobby.
• Why doesn’t Lex go to the beach house? I’d be more comfortable at the beach house. 
• Of course Lex doesn't want Lionel around, this kind of thing freaks him out
• “Stay as long as you like” but don’t expect the furniture to be in the same place twice.
• What wonders does Lana have for us this week?
• Hopefully you'd put some clothes on first
• Is Nell's boyfriend volunteering to do the heavy lifting involved in moving the tables? Because if not he should sod off
• That sounds like a really flimsy excuse for something
• I think I’d prefer the geometry.
• See. Where did Lana go?
• When did this great Chloe and Lana friendship spring up? Chloe should loathe Lana.
• In which case she should have plenty of rooms, and they should go find one
• That’s some subtle tarpaulin work there boys.
• Love the way Pete’s eyes light up at the thought of talk shows.”
• I'm guessing Clark's had a go with the crowbar before
• You lie Clark, it's not like you haven't done it before. Love the idea of a Kent having to *play* dumb
• It’s a guy with a freaky hand. Press the alarm button!
• Great, a concussed country and western listener.
• Oh, Kent Cat Burglars Inc. This is going to be good
• Why does Pete's tool shed have curtains?
• That’s it, go to steal something in your noisy, easily recognisable truck.
• Why do the Kents have the American flag outside their house? Do they have to remind themselves which country they’re in? 
• Clark's become really shrill all of a sudden
• I hope Clark's gonna pay for Pete's new rear tyres
• Poor Pete’s brain is now imploding.
• TW is very good at playing whiney and panicky.
• “You can’t handle the truth!” Sorry, fringedweller imperative, I would have had to say it.
• How could Clark blend in anywhere? 
• Nothing’s changed for you Clark. A lot has changed for Pete. 
• They've got some really great shots of Lex's corridors in this ep
• "Man of vision" oh, that really was an unfortunate line. Funny, but unfortunate
• Stupid girl! Stay at your locker and eavesdrop. 
• This is not the place for this conversation Pete. 
• Chloe nearly gives Pete and Clark heart attacks here. 
• I love Clark’s satisfied look - ‘Check, not little or green.’ 
• "Picture of civility" yeah, that'd freak me out too
• A very wobbly coffee table. Where would you put the coffee? And I bet it doesn't have a shelf for magazines
• Has Lionel had a perm since season one?
• Everyone's hiding out at the Kent farm today
• Why hasn’t anyone stolen that expensive telescope from the free for all barn?
• Resent? He never went higher than resent? I got up to hate and despise and I'm not the one she dumped by video mail. Although I could understand 'relieved' as well
• No, not Lana who shares her meteor grief all the time.
• Ooh, Pissy!Lana comes out to play. 
• Pete begins to understand why Clark didn't tell anyone
• Jonathan can use the internet?
• Has Martha been standing there all day waiting to pour the coffee? 
• I thoroughly approve of the jar of jelly babies on the Kent's table
• "I don't want you guys to freak out" that's a bad way to begin any conversation
• Jonathan's helpful 'didn't I tell you something bad would happen' face
• He did, but he chose to ignore you.
• I thought nowadays they were Smallville's only cappuccino?
• "Family." Internally Lana screams 'Nooo!!' Yeah, you know, the thing you keep yapping about missing out on? Family? 
• She said no Lana. She hates him and never wants to see him again, that's why she's planning extra family time with the guy
• You’re dying? Can you do it quickly?
• That's an extremely professional lean from Lex, close to a fifteen degree angle and no apparent effort. He must have very good knees. Wow! And on only one leg.
• The worst bit's when you're lying in traction, in your bra, and people wander in and chat to your physiotherapist. Although I'm guessing Lionel never had to deal with that. His physio probably didn't force him to listen to the cricket on RadioFour either
• I would imagine that after the meteor shower, Lex got fairly used to being prodded around by doctors
• Oedipus still killed his father. The phrase ‘oedipal mano-o-mano’ has given me some very weird wrestling images.
• Merlin wasn't nuts
• Look, Clark in yellow! That’s got to be a first. That t-shirt is impressively tight on his biceps
• The meteor freak. Which one exactly?
• Go Pete!
• Could we not have the big close-up needle shots please?
• Nice use of last week's heat vision
• Eww, brain jitters
• Pleas tell me he's not going to start bleeding from his fingernails
• Clark and Pete should have had their moment without his parents there, it seems to throw the dynamic off a little
• Clark lets people die all the time, he just lets the bad people die.
• They'd share a manly hug there, but Pete can't quite reach
• Not going to get any easier, but it might start getting him some screen time
• Don’t look so happy Pete, they’ll only make you work around the farm.
• No Lex, he's staying cause he knows it'll piss you off
• We got an awful lot of back-story with the removal of that hand.
• 20mph? Yep, that'd beat the average school bus
• Well, just the once. He’s got a telescope to do that.
• Super powers yes, aim no
• Clark's got about a two foot height advantage, the superpowers are kind of unnecessary
• Nice catch from Pete there. A ball coming down from that height should have flattened him
• Next week on Smallville? Umm, leather. On Clark. Oh god, that's ... I can't wait a week for that! And the worst part, it's not like I can even go watch it on squinty vision because I want to find out the plot and don't care about the picture quality. I haven't seen anything that sexy since I discovered Australian Rules Football. Yeah, and there were thirty six of them

• Just so you know, most of my fringedwellings for this episode will consist of "oh god" and "wow". I'll try to keep them to a minimum
• $350 for an ugly ring? Just how gullible are these people?
• Well, Jonathan’s right.
• If Lana is the official meeter and greeter it's amazing that any new kid stays at Smallville High.
• If only there were more hoe-downs. 
• Lana getting in some free Talon advertising
• Whoever this girl is, she's got excellent taste
• Yeah, he does think it's funny.
• Hang on, have Lana and the slut girl just walked off in the direction they came from? 
• What is Kyle sitting in? What's in those bottles?
• That is a very creepy looking bathroom. 
• That's a damn good question. What kind of US Marshal questions someone in the bath? Although perhaps one he should have asked before he let him into the bathroom 
• I sense a nasty stereo in the bath incident coming on. What a shocking way to die. Sorry.
• "Like a bar" I think you'll find that is a bar Pete
• Okay, I think that look deserves the word ‘smouldering’. 
• Clark Kent, Official Welcome Wagon. 
• I've said it before, writing on palms is a waste of time
• "Married to Lana in your imagination" and God knows, that's a serious commitment
• Since she's had the damn thing in bits on her kitchen table for the past twelve months, I think Martha deserves the first go
• When ever people say they want to you to make your own decision, it usually means that they want you to make the decision they want you to make without it looking like they've pressured you into it. I hate it when parents do that. 
• Who's Jonathan kidding, he loved the heat vision thing
• Okay, smouldering looks run in the family.
• Lionel indulges in some breaking and decorating. Lizard did this to our bathroom. When I brushed my teeth in it at night it was white, I woke up the next morning to find it suddenly blue
• Oh Lex, you really shouldn’t give in like that. 
• It's not exactly unexpected for Clark to ask Lana out, she does know that he has a huge crush on her.
• It's American History, how long can it take? I wouldn't think there was enough of it to fill an entire evening
• Clark couldn't have seen that nose crinkle too often then. 
• Has Clark seen that picture of Lana during the meteor shower?
• How quickly did he get that satellite installed? We had to wait ages for ours
• I love those flashing police lights. I never knew you could actually buy those flashing lights, I thought you had to get students to rip them off Highway Maintenance Vehicles
• Clark is wearing green! The green's nice, nice touch with the Red Dragon symbol too
• There is an all night store that sells sound systems? Fantastic. 
• You know, in a normal town this would be diagnosed as a manic episode requiring hospitalisation. In Smallville it’s put down to adolescence.
• Yes, but you stole the credit cards
• Leather. And I’m not going to mention it again. 
• Eeep! It's Narim, the one Sam Carter gave a cat too but never had sex with. The last time we saw him he was being all heroic. 
• Jessie's Dad must have a lot on his mind to be that sanguine about his daughter riding off with a sexy guy on his bike
• Clark looks a bit too much 'Grease 2' for my liking. 
• Leather aside, Clark is really irritating like this.
• Umm, tight black jeans. Could Clark stalk dramatically away from the camera some more please?
• Is it just me or is Red!Clark a bit of a wanker? Hot, yes, but still... Sometimes inhibitions are good
• "I'd feel better if you took your hand off my knee, Pete."
• I think that was a yes.
• *Gulp * Unexpected, Shirtless! Jonathan.
• Why do farmers have a pre-packed bag of peas?
• Serve the coffee Lana. I swear to god, if that was my latte on that tray they wouldn't be messing around like this.
• Question. Where in the name of God did Clark learn to kiss like that?
• Lana doesn't know whether to stomp her foot and be annoyed, or dance around the Talon in joy. Yet for some reason, she can still form a sentence, doesn't she understand that words can wait 'till the afterglow
• Love Pete surreptitiously checking out Chloe's ass
• Pete's got this one worked out. Martha however seems to be working through it a little more slowly
• That's a nice coat on Clark. This is one of those 'oh god/wow' fringedwellings. Feel free to skip it. Oh God. Wow. I second that, and I think Lex is thirding it.
• Lex is utterly gobsmacked by sexbomb!Clark. To quote Tobin, "Play to the subtext boys". I'm very proud of him for managing to finish his sentence though. It may have been written as subtext, but it’s most definitely obvious text now.
• $2050, the backbone costs extra
• The Ferrari, Clark? Care to be more specific?
• Rock her world? Ooh, nasty 5Star moment (my sister was a fan). He can rock her world, but he should be careful about rocking the suspension of the Ferrari too much
• Yeah, but I get the impression that it's easy to impress Lana. 
• Lex is just teasing, he was going to lend him a Ferrari
• Lex is trying so hard to keep focused on Clark’s face.
• Touche, Clark. That was just the perfect comeback, "It's not like I'm going to er, drive it off a bridge..."
• Damn. He couldn't have borrowed the Modena?
• The background music sounds upsettingly like 's words Of A Thousand Men' by Ten Pole Tudor

• The 'wow' thing's happening again. God I love that t-shirt

• Lana's a wuss. I was drinking pints when I was 15

• That's a big box that they've put that actress on to dance with Tom Welling. 
• Bye bye then Lana. 
• See whoever you like, but not when you're on a date with me. You see, a vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.

• Umm muscles... Lovely rippling shoulder muscles... I wonder if he can catch  a high ball, because he'd make a wonderful full-back whilst Geordan's off with his Ireland commitments. I can not believe that was the first thing that popped into my mind just then

• That’s it Clark, create a worse weapon. 
• Did some extra shout ‘no’ when Clark said “anyone else” ? 

• $20 a week? That's twice as much pocket money as I ever got

• I've never been that fond of the 348 before, but somehow, I think I'm slowly coming round
• ‘Damn’, thinks Lex, ‘he took off the coat’.
• With Herculean effort Lex refrains from commenting on the pathetic "My parents don't understand me"
• Lex gets his Lucas Buck on. "Hey, that's my line!"

• "Really..?" Lex senses an opening. So close, and yet so far, Lex. 

• "Clark Kent and Lex Luthor", so who gets to keep the last name when it comes to taking vows? I think they're going to hyphenate

• It was still a date Lana, just a really crappy one

• Lex standing in front of a very fake backdrop there

• "I don't want to be rude" but I think I'm going to be

• "Also, your family just borrowed my Ferrari, I'm kind of involved already..."

• Well, they have a spare barn

• On your way to the top in a borrowed Ferrari, there's a nice ring about that

• Well, erm…yes. 

• "What's happening?" oh poor Lionel!

• Clark looks like he's thinking of somewhere to shove that pool ball

• God that expression reminds me of someone (when Clark turns back to Jessie after she lets him in the house). It reminded me of someone when I saw it on the trailer last week, and it's been reminding me of someone ever since and I'm damned if can figure out who it is. It reminds me of the cover shot of ‘A Clockwork Orange’. 

• Well, Clark's Dad isn't usually armed

• NO! Not the TV! (There is no font colour that would do justice to the way all three of us, for once watching this together, simultaneously leapt from our chairs and yelled this at the screen)

• Oh, bad choice of words. 
• Why the 'North by Northwest' allusion?

• What the bloody hell do you think you're doing standing in the middle of a cornfield? Can't you see people are trying to run down here?

• Nice crack about the study group

• "Nothing but love..." and just a little bit of fear

• Jonathan is very precise with that hammer. Good sledgehammer technique from Jonathan. That’s very obliging of Clark, holding the ring up.

• Despite Lionel's admittedly under-strength parenting skills, I do quite like his 's hut up whining and get the hell on with it' philosophy

• I’ll say it again. He could’ve just got a wig.
• Ah, danger averted, Plaid!Clark is back.

• Martha and Jonathan share a little parent cheer

• Sudden urge to tell everyone? Strangely, that was to one thing he didn't do

• I doubt he picked them for the horse Lana

• Well, yeah, that part kind of was

• Oh God, the riding at night to a graveyard is a big enough give away. Smallville is going to go Goth, and it's not going to be pretty. 
• Someone's gone a bit nuts with the smoke machine. Speaking from a position of blissful ignorance, I didn't think Kansas was wet enough to generate that much 's pooky fog'
• Stop faffing about Lana, and open the damn thing.
• Why can’t she ever go to the graveyard during the day?
• For once Smallville score with a painted backdrop that's actually meant to look like a painted backdrop. That backdrop looks like Urgo’s fake planet. 
• Father's making Byron talk about himself in the third person. Father knows nothing. Father’s a bit nuts if you ask me.
• A tranq dart? That's a little harsh even if he has been grounded
• The calligraphy's pretty good too
• Romantic. Yep. Do the words terrifyingly creepy mean nothing to you Lana?
• Oh yes Lana does. 
• Well that was awkward, well done Lana.
• Of the two approaches, I'd rather be taken to a bar and bought beer
• I find myself wishing that this is the man of her dreams, because if it is, then in the tradition of all "good" Gothic romance, she might get consumption and die
• That's a bit rich coming from Stalker Boy Clark. 
• Silent film festival? Now Lana has to follow the story and read the words at the same time. Seriously, who is the Talon aiming for in it's relentlessly arty marketing strategy? Has the Talon ever considered just concentrating on the coffee selling part? 
• If you don't want it read, then don't leave it on the counter.
• You've got to be proud of them for not reading the poem out. They always suck
• Lana likes John Donne? Please, I can only suspend my disbelief so far... 
• Lex says really inappropriate things sometimes. 
• Never trust a man who loves poetry. 
• The only poetry I really appreciate (other then Lizard's excellent output) is Lewis Carroll, and I dread to think what kind of seduction that relates too
• "God no!" howls Clark as  Lex drops him in it, "Don't make me write poetry"
• The word you're looking for Clark is ‘bastard’. 
• To be fair, Clark watches, but unless he senses danger, he tends not to follow
• Oh, bad choice of words flunky boy. It's like he's asking to be fired in a semi-comic manner. Poor underling. Do you think if we gave him a shovel he could dig himself a little deeper?
• Lionel should have a gingerbread house made so he can devour those children from Yale with a little more postmodernism
• Go on Lex, make a joke about eyesight. You know you want to. 
• He needs to find someone who can tell Lionel to go shove it up his ass once in a while
• Can you actually get those voice reading thingys? They would be great to use on a crowded train. 
• He's never going to be able to find that again
• Ah, Martha. Just the woman for the 'telling him to shove it up his ass' job
• Martha? Business acumen? Neither did we
• Why? It wasn’t one. 
• They couldn't give the poor boy mains electric?
• There's a limit to how fine things can be if you're locked in a basement
• Poe? Could they hammer the gothic theme any more than they have? He's also very, very funny in places. Okay, so I appreciate Poe too, and the seduction thing keeps getting weirder. Damn. I think Lex has given me issues
• ‘Gee thanks Mum, just what I need.’
• Is that the Kent's storm cellar set?
• How does the weird goth boy get the sealing wax if he's not allowed out?
• Oh my god Lana. I can't believe not only has she gone to a deserted graveyard to try and find her incredibly creepy stalker, but she's been dumb enough to go to sleep whilst she's there. Sleeping on the grave? Someone find the writer and slap them, please. Lana needs therapy, and she needs it now. 
• He leaves the poem because he's a besotted idiot with too much time on his hands
• Ooh, headstone to the back. That's gotta hurt
• Clark was over-reacting just a little there
• Oh good grief, postmodern gothicism with Byron's girly faint into Lana's arms.
• "I'm sorry I scared you" That was one of the least sincere apologies I've heard in a while
• I love the look of defeat on Clark's face there. 
• Shakespeare. Ha, I knew that! No more Shakespeare please, it hurts.
• Clark, never ask questions like that, you can only end up looking stupid.
• If you know about the motive then at least you're prepared
• Yes you did Martha.
• I would love to put my education to use on the Kent farm
• We weren't having sex, promise
• No, please don't let the Sheriff handle it, please As if the boy hadn’t suffered enough. He now has to endure the Smallville PD.
• A ghost wouldn't have eaten the chocolate cake, everyone knows ghosts only eat toast
• That is some very fake piano playing from Lionel. 
• Good jumper for Lex
• Is it a little sick of me to think that Lionel s really going to appreciate his books on tape now?
• Lionel's talking rubbish again, Prometheus was the son of Iapetus the Titan. Zeus was his cousin, and had nothing to do with his paternity, adopted or not. The bit about the liver's right though
• Dr. Dolittle very rarely beat up the animals
• Wouldn’t an NRA petting zoo contain members of the NRA? 
• 3 big padlocks, that's a little excessive
• "What did they do to you?" From the looks of it they chained him up in a cellar, Clark
• Byron looks at Clark with jealous wonder, trying to work out if he loosened the chain enough for Clark to just pull it off the wall
• Having been knocked through the roof of the greenhouse, I think it's a shame that Clark didn't just come out through the door in true Goons style
• I like the idea of TW having to stand in front of a blue screen, doing all that arm waving. 
• Oh, poor Pete!
• Dumb Kent Statement of the episode, "Are you alright?" to the boy in the hospital bed with the plaster on his arm.
• Why do they hospitalise people for broken arms? 
• "You probably think we're horrible parents." Yes! You're horrible parents! Do heavy velvet curtains really cost that much? Notice that Jonathan and Clark don't answer. 
• How abnormal was Byron before they put him in drug therapy?
• How about just throwing a blanket over him?
• No Chloe, there's definitely a chill
• Can you fully appreciate a Playstation with only one hand? Surely the time would be better filled by giving him a book
• Byron saw Lana in the graveyard because he was visiting his own grave. Wow, no wonder he's screwed up
• And god knows Lana's standards haven't been that high so far (sorry Whitney)
• Oh thank God someone finally did that to Lana.
• Very cheesy plaster bust of Napoleon behind Lex there
• Actually, the bodies involved in this one might not just be proverbial
• Yeah, like Lionel couldn’t do that himself. 
• Byron has huge front teeth
• Brave, maybe, stupid, definitely.
• Lex saved from some awkward questions by Martha’s arrival.
• Lex looking a little overwhelmed by the whirlwind that is Martha
• So can we, that’s why we like him. 
• It's a fact, Clark has to have kids. Martha is a Gran in training
• Highland cattle? The Kents are moving into heritage breeds now?
• For God's sake, somebody say something, please! 

• Whoo hoo! Wet, naked Clark. Wow, unexpected naked Clark!
• Oooh gosh, wet, naked Pete too. This must be karmic compensation for me having to take my lovely February calendar picture down
• Even his shorts are red! Yep, they've definitely got a thing for red swimwear. This is because it shows up better against the blue of the water. It's sad that I thought of that instead of just appreciating
• Lana really is blind isn't she?
• Even if you were just friends with Clark, you’d lie wouldn’t you? 
• Yeah, we can’t believe it either.
• Those people are lying.
• Where have I seen the impossibly perky girl before?
• Was he the guy who was picking on the stalker girl with the invisible brother last season?
• "Don't you have another race", or a towel?
• "I can finish up here" says Lana, safe in the knowledge that finishing up involves drawing a line in felt-tip. Now that the other girl has done all the complicated spellings. 
• There’s a nice amount of wet and scantily clad Clark. 
• Clark's hair dried off quickly since the last race
• That was such a fake shocked "ahh!" from those girls
• 'Damn!' Thinks Clark, 'I fished the wrong guy out of the pool'
• Martha’s on a bit of a spree. Mmm, muffins. Actual muffins, that's not a metaphor. Ooh, I could really do with a muffin. 
• Shouldn't he have a towel or something over those muffins to stop them getting dirty? Does Lex know about the serious breach of food hygiene guidelines?
• Spirit Week. It's bad enough you have to go to school without anyone expecting you to enjoy it
• Gosh Lana, your mother dated. The slut
• Who took those photographs?
• Oh, if Lana will believe that, she’ll believe anything. 
• Yeah thanks Lex, that was just what Lana needed to hear. Well done Lex! 
• Lex cottons on a little too late here. 
• Lex would get everywhere faster if he didn’t have to over compensate on all the corners.
• I did something very similar, only a lot louder and way more argumentative, with my new Deputy Head. I thought he was just a PSE supply teacher
• As the warranty on Principal Kwan hadn't expired before he was skewered by an outside light, the company sent a new one
• "This gate locks..." But it's two feet high, late students could just step into school. Even Pete could clamber over that with ease. What about students like Lana who had the first two periods off?
• Lex gets extra credit for 'enmity'
• School uniforms aren’t the worst idea in the world.
• Chloe thinks ahead
• Clark doesn’t look convinced, Chloe. 
• 'Hmm' thinks Clark, 'Fast track, Smallville, dark past... Could this possibly have something to do with Lex?'
• I'm a little scared by the mirror ball
• It’s about “Why is my mother draped over another man?” 
• Is that Daniel’s grandfather?
• "Along for the ride" there's a joke about the quality of Jonathan's ride that I just can't quite get. Well, and who could blame her? 
• Jonathan isn’t going to like this at all. 
• Sir?
• What would a bank do with a farm, anyway?
• I'm guessing he said no
• Jonathan hit him didn't he? Oh yeah, there we go
• He’s repairing that tractor with electrical tape? 
• That's a nice shot of the Talon
• They have a stage high enough for gymnastics? The Talon really is prepared for anything.
• Pandora did shut the box, she kept hope inside. Always the woman's fault isn't it. If Zeus didn't want the box opened he should have put a padlock on it
• He can tell you a lot about legends and things, will that help?
• I like Chloe's eyeliner for secrets deal. I’ve now got this wonderful image of this poor, lonely goth boy wandering around Smallville all by himself. He should pair up with Byron. 
• That was a carefully schooled expression on Clark’s face when he turned to face the new Principal. It’s the arms neatly in front.
• That's it, Chloe's in love with the Principal
• I second Clark’s sceptical look. 
• “A person is judged by the company they keep.” I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, we’re screwed.
• It’s good to know the principal is so open minded and willing not to prejudge people.
• Ahh!! I'm twenty three and I don't know where I'm going to be in six months
• The Principal irritated me when I first saw him, but now he's got my back right up. So what if Clark doesn't want to have anything to do with any of the stuff that the school lays on. He may wish to spend his free time following his own interests. Nobody needs a life plan at sixteen, good for you if you've got one, but you don't need one, and this essay which allegedly isn't punishment for getting good grades, staying out of trouble and not bothering the teachers after school is rubbish and it goes without saying that I wouldn't do it. Five pages is harsh, but I can see what the principal is trying to do. He’s trying to protect Clark from the Lex he taught. Besides, given the fact that American universities are BIG on extracurricular activities, he’s only trying to do his job. In a patronising and obtrusive way. And there is no consideration that Clark is the only farm hand on a very large and diverse farm. He doesn’t have time for extra curricular activities.
• Perhaps Clark would be writing better if he wasn’t sitting in a busy, noisy café. 
• They’ve been a while setting up this ageing plotline, haven’t they? This would have probably have worked without it.
• How come Lex gets a cool shiny black mug and Clark has a bright yellow one? Because Lex is cool and shiny. Lana must take the time to make sure her regulars co-ordinate with their crockery
• King of Family Dysfunction, meet the Queen of the Funnel People. Without doubt a meeting of great minds
• Oh, such an 'Inca Mummy Girl' rip off. Why redo a bad Buffy episode?
• Somehow this isn't going quite the way Clark planned. Well, Lex did say lock them in a room, that way they can't run away until you've decided they've worked it out
• Isn’t that a Wurzels lyric?
• Clark is wearing a tertiary colour!
• Chloe is on to a loser there
• Do head-teachers have time to sit in their office reading Dumas novels?
• "In hindsight I appreciate that." At the time though it was a total pain in the ass
• I doubt any of the schools Lex attended would accept gifts, unless they were being offered as some kind of compensation
• Lex made his offer without the threat
• There was quite a lot meeting the eye already 
• MR looks very sexy when he bites his lips. You have to appreciate the little things when once again there is naked Clark, and not even a t-shirt on Lex. 
• Because his family, well, Jonathan, told him to bugger off
• No, they really didn't need to bother with the mutant plot did they?
• Eternally young I can understand, but eternally in High School? Why?
• Call the police and say what exactly?
• Is she going to kill Reynolds? Well go Chrissy
• No they're not, don't believe it. Life gets better
• Hey, you put up the revolving mirrors reap the whirlwind
• That’s a cool death effect on the Inca Mummy Girl. That's a cracking effect with the mirror cube, sparing them from an unconvincing morph
• No, they don't have a relationship with your Grandad because of them. Nice guilt trip from the Kents. Oh, poor guilt-stricken Clark. I’m starting to have doubts about Martha and Jonathan’s parenting skills. 
• Lana’s a bit overdressed for a barn.