Derived (or is that depraved?) from a Great Big Dream, which led to H T Elf creating the literary masterpiece entitled "The Duel". Which led to this. Which is probably going to lead to a similar reaction to that following Salman Rushdie's "Satanic Verses". The pen is mightier than ..........
Mr Power's last line is "Well, I guess my work here is done" and he shakes his head and snickers and at Bob one last time. Interesting indeed, Smithers.
Exactly what work is he referring to, and I know this was meant to be sarcastic on his part, but perhaps he really did have something up his bass :)
The mysterious bassist strikes again..perhaps we need to explore this in future installments..I picture Darrell to be the Cancer Man character in X-Files...always up to something and responsible for whatever is happening....perhaps this could be explored in the next chapter of The Young and the Sealess.... Next episode...Mel and Séan break up (but we all know how these romances keep re-igniting) and a mysterious girl named Angela arrives in town with only her futon and bodhran stick...a girl in need of a bodhran and Séan is the man to give it to her :) I would guess Mr Power has a hand in seperating Melanie and Séan and bringing Angela into the arms of Mr McCann, bodhran thumper extrordanaire, non?
I, Angela, keeper of the sacred bodrahn stick (and like I'll ever figure out how to play the dadblamed thing), wander into town to meet with, yup you guessed, my half brother. See, Dad took off when I was 5, and we were never really sure where he went (this part is true, about dad). When I get this strange letter in the mail from none other than our lovely Darrell informing me that he is my father's son and when dad left it was to go back to Darrell's mom! So, I go to town to meet Bubba (I am from Texas after all). While there, I spy a devistantingly handsome man with the *wrong* woman..hehe (luv ya Mel). Bubba notices this and thinks of a way to get me into these just muscled enough arms. So, he devised a way to rip Sean away from Mel and send him to me and my waiting sleeping bag (since Mel took the sheets as the door hit her in the butt on the way out). And we'll just have to see what happens. But alas, my poor Bubba, how he longs for the embraces of Mel....*G*
I like the half brother thing...but eh eh ehe Bubba soon reveals (before comsumation of the relationship!) that actually Séan is Bubba and Angela's middle brother and he did not know this until he saw Séan's cowlick in full force and it triggered memories of Bubba's own father, Billy Bob's, cowlick!
Lucky for Angela I didn't leave the satiny sheets because my goodness, that wuold be *ahem* a mess to clean up! Mummy sleeping bag is just what this doctor ordered!
So Angela has her stick and is looking for another bodhran player to shack up with, and lucky for her, they all seem to be single! (Darn thumping can be so inappropriate at times!) and she finds some guy from Ireland and gets on a boat and sails away.
She can hang around "Petty Harbour" for a bit, maybe get a job at the hospital (ever notice how EVERYONE works or has worked at the local hospital in these things?!)...and there she meets handsome Dr Remington Chandler Montague the Seventh aka Bob :) not in tights
Oh no!! You're not making Sean my other brother!!! This I refuse *stomping foot*! It's not fair...I mean, yeah, I'll take Sir Robert (without the bunched tights however)and I wouldn't mind an Irish gent (sucker for those accents!). But I wanted Sean *whining, which she does very well I might add..lol*and I happen to like his cute little ever straying cowlick!lol Okay, we need to think this through. Elf gets Alan (it is her story ya know), Mel has Sean but wants Adam (who's NOT in this story)and I want Sean(and who want cold satin sheets when it's freezing outside just so he can slip off? I"ll take some comfy, warm flannel sheets, that way we'll never want to leave!). I still think my Bubba theory is too great!LOL
I'll let the mastermind, "Herself" *hehehe*, come up with something fitting (better fitting than those silly sheets, Mel..lol)*running off to pick out nice flannels*
I say, Mel can WANT Adam, but if Alan's taken and Sean too, the I GET Adam...I mean its only fair!
BUt Adam could be in this story. Masterminds always have strangers brought in with plot twists. Perhaps,Adam arrives and has to go to the hospital for some'unknown' reason and there he meets up with (dat dat duuuummmmmmmm) Nurse Brooke the kindly nurse with a heart of gold but a secret in her past.
Coolness! So now we've got Adam with some malady in the "hospital" meeting with Nurse Brooke! Now, he can be my other brother (this my brother Darrell, and my other brother Darrell (a tiny bit of Newhart humor for those who ever saw the show..ROTF))! I wouldn't mind having cutie Adam for a Bubba....since I really don't hold all that much affection for the lad(I mean, before anyone freaks and calls me inhuman, he is a babe! But something about him wreaks of "little bubba", do not know why!).
So, now we've got Brooke in this with Adam, Darrell splitting up Mel and Sean to put me with Séan and keep Mel for himself, now what of Bob? I've got a friend who wouldn't mind putting Bob back into his street clothes so he'll be eternally grateful to her..lol.But who knows, I've also got a new friend who'd like to scratch his "itch"....I'm scared to know where this is going to go! And YES this place is seriously fantasy based!
BUT NO!!!!! :-)
Darrell didn't break Sean and Mel up to get Mel for himself. That would be the obvious thing and as we all know (or at least know in the fantasy version of life) Mr Power would never do the obvious thing! There is another reason behind the break up and we still don't knwo about Brooke's secret past. (You have to have the secret past a least a few times in a story like this)
ok...it's official...you've lost me....I refuse to read anything more on continuations of the duel until I see it written by HT Elf...It was all so easy to understand and then it all went to CRAP!!!! Poor Elf...I pity the position you are in...filter this...keep that...being a libra, I could not decide (as we all know, decision making is a near impossibility for libras...)
***wimpering "please make it stop!!!"
Who's to say the next story will even be a sequel? I think I'll have to go on a totally different line... Way too much competition for the Saintly Futon... *L*
First...since Katie thinks this is crap, I think she gets to be the miserable old haggy millionaire spinster who had one child 20 years ago and has never seen her....he eh eh eh
Second...here is why Darrell splits up Séan and I (thank you Nixie who recognized Darrell doing it for himself is to obvious!)...he meets Adam at a dental conference in Dallas and convinces Adam to move to Petty Harbour to start his own practice...in the meantime Adam has suffered a wicked bout of heartburn adn goes to Petty Harbour General where he meets Nurse Brooke (who is cute and all and very attentive to his heart, and burn, and other things...which mainly take place in the broom closet!).
They have a brief, but VERY INTENSE love affair...much flowers, quality time in bed, romantic dinners, serenading (on Adam's part) and then one day Brooke reveals she is actually prego with Dr Bob's baby...which turns out to be a false alarm but is enough to upset Adam and leave him single. Brooke runs back to Dr Bob only to find he has met a lass from England who, despite her infatuation with teddy bears, is a real cutie. This girl, Wilomena aka Teddy, is visiting Petty Harbour for the annual iceberg flow-watch, and she is staying at Jakey's Inn...she and Dr Bob meet up one night after watching this really cool band called Rankin Street, and after drinking way too much old black rum.
So Dr Bob doesn;t know that Brooke thinks she is prego so he jumps finger first into this affair with the mysterious English woman who is obsessed with ice and whipped cream :)
In the meantime, Darrell figures that it is really Mel and Adam who should together so he proceeds to sabatoge Séan and Mel's love affair...he slips them some bad fish sauce, sending them both to Petty Harbour General where Brooke, after finding out she isn't prego and that Dr Bob is with this wench, is heartbroken and Séan proceeds to be lend a shoulder for her to cry on (not to mention a dimple or two to stroke) so Brooke falls into his arms and Mel is left devestated.
That is until her doctor tells her she has an absess tooth that needs looking at (work with me here) and she goes to see Dr Gardner...to lie in his chair with her head back staring at that dreamy face. Of course, her teeth are fine, Darrell just paid off the doctor for a referral so Mel and Adam could meet and fall in love.
Meanwhile...Alan hurts his butt doing too many intense leg lifts and comes in to have Nurse Brooke examine his groin.
Well, we all know what that means...Brooke helps Mr Doyle with that extremely painful groin situation (massage, massage, *ahem* massage) and the hoary one is a goner.
Séan...dumped by Mel, used by Brooke, alone, wanders George St till he finds Sundance Saloon where he sees a really bad lounge act and he sulks in the corner till he hears this accent that is soooooo sexy...and in walks Angela...
*sigh* And then it turns out that Brooke really *is* 'prego' but with the child of, not Dr. Bob, but Dr. Bob's illegitamate twin brother and Dr. Bob had merely been trying to cover the whole thing up! AUGH!
I forgot about Darrell...he has sworn, after watching all these romances comea and go, that he doesn't want to get involved with anyone...until he meets....
Who wants to jump in here with the bassist?
Barbara meanwhile is waiting at home for her honey to come back from having his groin examined...this is when she thinks...I should apply at Petty Harbour General...when she gets there...well...just imagine her face as she sees the hoary one in a very compromising position with the nurse...
Meanwhile...at the library...DrT, spinne, and Fran are getting ready for a conference on well known Nfld authors and Dr Bob decides to attend, since he did go edit a paper for awhile before becoming a brain surgeon (those hands and fingers!) so....you tell me what happens next...but remember...Dr Bob is currently enjoying the wares of our English lass...ah ahha
???
Darrell, lost and a little disillusioned, finds himself at Jakey's Gallery. Puzzled by the pictures displayed in the window, and intrigued by the idea of getting a milenium calander (he hasn't got his yet), he walks in. To his utter shock and amazement, he realizes that some of the pictures are of HIM! Not only that, they've been, shall we say, altered a little. As he is reeling (not in the musical sense) from the shock, he hears a sultry voice behind him. "Good evening, Mr. Power." It's none other than the lovely Miss Brown. "Can I help you with anything?" "No," he replies. "Maybe let's get out of here though." "Sure," she says. "Where would you like to go?" "Anywhere but here!" he exclaims.
So Miss Brown and Darrell wander around Petty Harbour until 3AM. Miss Brown complains about the faithlessness of Alan (who did almost fight Dr. Bob for her affection!). Darrell complains about his lack of faith in relationships and relates everything that has been, erm, happening at Petty Harbour General. Miss Brown weeps openly when Darrell gets to the part about Alan's "groin problems" and consequential "therapy." Darrell takes her in his arms to comfort her. As she sobs into his shoulder, she realises how wonderful he has been through everything... Helping orchestrate the duel (so now you know), and now listening to all her problems... She raises her head from his shoulder. "I don't think I've ever thanked you for everything you've done for me," she says. "It's not your fault Alan is a cheating bastard." (as if!) "I know and you're welcome," he replies shyly, but looking into her eyes meaningfully. Suddenly it hits her. He's been doing all this because he loves her and wants her to be happy! She smiles at him. He bends over gently...
So at this critical moment, we leave the 2 new-found lovers (no pun intended, but I rather enjoy it *L*). Who's next in continuing "As the Young & Restless Petty Harbour General Hospital TURNs the Bold & Beautiful"? (feel free to modify the title of this soap opera as you see fit...)
Ang C gets taken to the same hospital, on the same ward, under the care of the same nurse who is known as Nurse Brooke. Nurse Brooke's wounds are still fresh from her terrible break up with Adam, Angela's brother. As well, Nurse Brooke is bitter at Angela because Angela is now dating Nurse Brooke's latest ex, Séan. So Nurse Brooke decides it would be wise if she did not care for Ang, just in case she accidentally substantially increases Ang's daily dose of coumadin.
Much to everyone's surprise, Mel shows up that day on the unit to visit a recovering Alan, from his groin injury. Nurse Brooke is very suspicious of Mel because Mel has not ever been a close friend of Alan's. Nurse Brooke thinks Mel might be bitter at her still for snatching up Séan so quickly after Mel and Séan broke up. Nurse Brooke suspects Mel might be there to rip Alan out from under Nurse Brooke's grasp (Highly unlikely since Alan seems to be falling in love). Nevertheless, Nurse Brooke decides to have a friendly chat with visitor Mel.
What happened next NO ONE suspected...
Nurse Brooke has her 'ahem' friendly chat with Mel in the medicine cabinet on the 4th floor of Petty Harbour General. While in there, Dr. Bob comes in looking for an IV bag for Alan. He would have had the nurse look but Durnit! there is never one around when you need it. Dr. Bob opens the closet door, just as Nurse Brooke falls to the floor. Visitor Mel screams at the same time. What has Mel done? Dr. Bob demands to know! He recognizes Mel as the shameless hussy (sorry Mel) who was in the whole tights fiasco at Brown's Emporium.(which he still hasn't figured out but chalks the whole thing up to bad seafood)
Mel proclaims her innocence. She has no idea why Nurse Brooke has passed out. All they were doing was having a little 'ahem' talk. Br Bob scowls ( I like that phrase!) and Mel says perhaps Nurse Brooke has passed out because she has been spending a lot of time in the medicine cabinet lately. Someone on the staff has told Mel so. Could it be Nurse Brooke has a substance abuse problem that she ha been desperately trying to hide? Or could it be (DAT DAT DUUUUUMMM) something else entirely?
Nurse Brooke is admitted to the psyc ward (where she belongs) and she meets up with Katie, the billionaire Streetlady-hag, also Ang's mom. But Brooke doesn't know it is Ang's mom and starts telling her EVERYTHING that is going down (mainly what is going down is Brooke...luv ya!). Meanwhile Ang bumps into Dr. Bob who is still a little confused as to what Mel is doing there (as am I) and proceeds to questions Ang since she has also had a relationship with Mr. Mecca and he thinks maybe she knows more about mysterious Mel...but no one really knows what Mel is up to ( LOL and never will because in the meantime..Mel has found Darrell and Teddy at Jakey's Inn and Mel decides that maybe the rest of the boys need to know who 'ahem' I mean what Darrell has been up to oh yeah this is why Mel is visiting Alan to tell him about Darrell and Teddy...and Alan is mighty upset about this since Darrell has been linked to TrishQ in the past and Trish has been up in Ottawa doing some missionary work.
What is Alan to do? Tell Darrell and risk butting in? Not tell and risk TrishQ having a melt down over her lost love? Or should he just fool around with Mel, since she is there?
Alan, after a brief affair with Mel (* shrug * the man gets around) decides that the best thing to do is tell TrishQ about Darrell and Teddy. He knows she will be heartbroken but he hasn't been able to stop thinking about her since the * accidentally * *ahem * stroked his shaft. Or was it an accident? Meanwhile Dr. Bob who actually has his specialization in psychiatry, goes to the mental institute to visit Nurse Brooke. She blames him for her condition, which he diagnoses as MPD (thanks to a little influence from Mel). As a result of her condition she spends most of her time believing she is Lola, 65year old retired dancer at the Copacabanca, whose true lover was shot many years ago by Ricco, a mysterious stranger who wore a diamond. She demands that Dr.Bob find Ricco and avenge her. Dr Bob promises and leaves, but instead of finding Ricco, he finds Mich and realizes she is the one hes been looking for all his life. They fall violently in love. Alan, in the meantime, has found TrishQ and tells her the awful news about Darrell, but is right there to * ahem * comfort her. Séan and Ang have been enjoying peace until this point...when a mysterious conguero, who calls himself Brian, comes to Petty Harbour in search of Séan to challenge him to a battle of rhythms, and in search of the Elf-woman with whom he'd had a brief but intensely passionate affair only last year...
So...
Mel is quite furious with Alan because he used and abused her then cheated on her with TrishQ. Alan does no know that Mel knows that he has been unfaithful and to get back at him Mel decides to find Séan with who she had a brief relationship before. They indulge in their heated affair, Mel even convinces him to wear a read striped shirt for a change. Ang is unaware of this affair and is quite concerned about Séans mysterious behavior (ie changing clothes, etc). Ang is quite distressed and phones her brother Adam, who fled town after his painful breakup with Nurse Brooke. This is how Adam finds out about Nurse Brooke's condition, and he rushes back into town to stay by her side. (she is all alone since Alan dumped her for Mel, TrishQ and whatever other floozy he could find (). Adam helps to * nurse * Nurse Brooke back to health and their love for each other is stronger than ever.
Mean while, the mysterious conguero and Elf have begun a secret relationship. Elf is captivated by his fast moving hands (double meaning there, folks). This conguero, know as "Brian" has challenged Séan to a "battle of the Beat". It is during this battle that things get really intense. Stay tuned for more....
Ok so enter Caroline,...one day she is having coffee at courthouse, which is of course next to Petty Harbour General when she spies a cute guy (not MHO but I know some of you are thinking this) filling water bottles. He has on these really great shorts that show off his * ahem * butt and legs, and has a zillion strings hanging out of his pockets. Intrigued, Caroline approaches this dark, curly haired stranger and introduces herself (not, not Herself, herself, as in Caroline)
Coyly she says "Hey there stranger, whats with the string and bottles?" Danny replies shyly, "Um well, you;ll never believe it but I am road manager for this internationally renowned bazouki player and we are off tour right now, due to some...umm...legal problems. I just cant get into a regular routine..kind of distracted and wishing I was on the road.." Shocked, Caroline looks at Danny and says "are you referring to Doyle vs. PWAOWAH?" Danny drops the water bottle he is currently filling, splashing Caroline's thighs (those darn lawyers and their minis)..embarrassed he reaches forward to stoke, I mean, brush the water off her legs replying "Yes, yes how did you know?"
Although distracted by this cute stranger fondling her things, Caroline throws back her head in laughter, allowing Danny to catch a glimpse of her smooth neck. "I am defending the accused!!". Danny's jaw drops, allowing Caroline a glimpse into his beautiful full lipped mouth. ..."Oh, interesting" Danny replies.
"would you like to join me for dinner, Danny? I would love the opportunity to talk to you under more, relaxed circumstances..." Caroline says as she pats her skirt dry, lightly brushing Danny's hand. "Sure, sure...." They leave the coffee shop and head to Jakey's Inn.
What Danny doesn't know is that Caroline, in her lawyer way, is hoping to * ahem * pump him for information on the bazouki player....she learns, among other things, that Alan the bazouki player is currently hospitalized after pulling his groin doing leg lifts. Of course this means she must investigate at Petty Harbour General after her evening with Danny...which of course starts and ends with a number of hot, steamy showers. Meanwhile in Outer Cove, Donna is out for a walk and decides she would love some Mary Browns Fried Chicken...she enters Mary Browns and orders her 3 piece meal...with Pespi of course (not as sweet as Jakey's Gin, but Mary Browns isnt licensed)....The new manager is very friendly and rather flirty, thinks Donna. He is very funny, instantly putting her at ease and very efficient not forgetting napkins or ketchup.
Donna takes her tray to a table in the corner and is soon joined by the boisterous manger. He is on a break and asks if he can join her, and then starts rambling about the sad exchange rate (ahahah) but continues to be entertaining, so much so, that Donna asks if she can call him sometime...he offers his #, and...
The fact that Alan has been such a floozy casts doubt on the whole PWAOWAH case and it gets thrown out of court. Having accomplished her mission, Caroline decides to take a holiday in Petty Harbour. It was hard work pumping that information out of Danny!
Meanwhile, Alan discovers how Danny has betrayed him and plots revenge from his hospital bed. He knows that Danny has fallen hopelessly in love with his leggy lawyer and decides to break them up. In an apparent gesture of reconciliation, he invites Danny to come visit him in hospital. When Danny gets there, Alan suggests that this lawyer chick is not to be trusted, as she has apparently been seen partying with Séan at Jakey's Inn and leaving his house early in the morning. This is of course a doyling of the highest magnitude, but Danny, never believing that his old friend would lie to him, becomes suspicious. He hires Mr. Power, a local PI and sometime mysterious Bassist, to follow Caroline.
Caroline, meanwhile, is unaware of the mysterious bassist activity going on around her. She doesn't know that she is being followed as she goes to Petty Harbor General to hand Alan some legal documents regarding the now defunct PWAOWAH versus Doyle case. They discuss the extent of his groin injuries, and Caroline cannot contain her curiosity She has a closer look, and offers to try what she learned in an evening class on massage techniques for Alan. Alan, overwhelmed with desire at her skillful little hangs, and discharges himself from the hospital. He has found a better treatment than Nurse Brooke could offer him, and arranges for Caroline to give him daily massages at his house.
The mysterious Mr. Power has been following Caroline all this time, and has taken some compromising pictures of her inspecting Alan's groin. When Danny sees them he is furious, and immediately breaks off his affair with Caroline. Nurse Brooke, who has taken the night off now that she not longer has her star patient, comforts him over a gallon of Screech in Jakey's Inn. Danny gets a little drunk and spills his drink all over the front of Nurse Brooke's tight little black dress. He strokes * brushes * it off, and falling for Danny's usual trick, Brooke comforts him upstairs in the bath!
A distraught Caroline turns to Alan for comfort, and he obliges by gently kissing away her tears and giving her a big pudgy hug. One thing leads to another, and soon they are indulging in some advanced massage techniques on the couch...
So Darrell has succeeded in splitting up Danny and Caroline and has provocative shots of Caroline in all her handly action, what does he do now? Who was he last with anyway? ... was it Teddy or Nixie?
Danny and Brooke in the bath (my god that Brooke)...Brooke sponges Danny's back, legs, hoar and as she is getting the poor lad all revved up she gets quiet...what is happening?
We venture in to Brooke's brain (brace yourself) and we are shown she is having a moral struggle. She remembers her childhood years, years spent in a Catholic girl's school in Placentia (there! Where the ladies wait!) and reminisces on the freedom she felt, then she has a series of flashbacks through all the men she has been with as an adult and the resulting feeling of loneliness...so this takes us two hours, but it is an important scene, because Brooke has a vision.
She is called to be a nun. She has just now realized this, she flees the hotel room at Jakey's Inn and runs down the street screaming "Im alive, Im alive, with the Sound of Music"... next we find he seeking refuge at Old Brown's orphanage with Sisters Ardra and Barbara. They convince her to follow her path and Brooke agrees...Father Fred arrives in his red VW beetle to take Brooke to the mainland for her education
Meanwhile back at the nunnery...Sister Barbara catches a glimpse of Mr Doyle Bouzouki man extraordinaire on TV, reporters are grilling him and a rather attractive (but shorter) leggy woman on his recent court case and its dismissal from court. Barbara falls in love immediately and decides to forsake her faith and follow her heart to this long haired Tarzan like God who is living in St. Johns. Father Fred arrives home after dropping Brooke off at the Ferry station in Placentia (yeah right, Brooke never got on that Ferry!) and seeing an opportunity, Barbara acts. She steals Father Fred's keys and runs runs away to St. Johns, seeking her fortune there...she arrives in, she is tired, weary, confused, what is she doing here, this is a major life decision...she enters Sundance saloon. There appears to be a party of some sort happening.
A conguero and his band are playing a salute to some guy named Paddy. Much drinking and preliminary fornication is occurring before the shocked sister's eyes...she looks away from the rollicking crowd and casts her eyes upon Ryan, the Mary Brown Fried Chicken Manager and his new sweetie Donna. Donna catches Barbara's eye and motions for her to meet her in the powder room.
Ryan looks mysteriously at the two women, and notices a strange shady gentleman standing behind Barbara...blue glasses, short hair, cargo pants, nice hands, bass guitar..Ryan doesn't know who it is, figures that the guy is there to jam with the conguero and the funeral party.
But no...da da da dum...it is Darrell...he has followed Barbara to the saloon, tailing * ahem * her VW from the nunnery. He is following her...but why?
Meanwhile, Dr Bob arrives back at the hospital to find chaos. He never discharged Brooke yet she and Alan have disappeared. What is happening? Not to mention, he is in turmoil over his own love life..having been dumped by (who?) ....(adds Brooke here...) It was MICH!
It was in the unusual climate of the saloon that Katie enters (or re-enters) the tale....The last mention of Katie had her slated as a millionaire hag-lady also known as Ang's MOTHER. This is in fact a case of mistaken identity. As Katie does in fact look a great deal like her mother, (only much younger and sexier) whoever mistook katie for her mother simply thought it was Katie dressed UP as her millionaire hag-lady mother (As this is something she has been known to do. Dress UP, that is.) If you're not lost yet that makes Katie and Ang SISTERS!!!
Anyways...Barbara, after fleeing the convent in Father Fred's VW, is now on St. George Street at the Sundance Saloon. A mysterious bassist with very nice hands had followed her into the pub. As Donna and Barbara exeunt to the Powder Room, katie, the sexy waitress/bartender (who's specialty is the beverage called "Sloe Comfortable Screw UP against a Wall" - it exists) is leaning her hip up against the bar. Having observed the action over the course of the evening, she glances at her watch, noticing that her shift is nearly over she decides that she'll soon be seeking some action of her own...Mr. Power, a regular at the Sundance Saloon, takes a seat at the nearest table, obviously in wait of Barbara who is powdering her nose with Donna. Katie, fine service woman that she is, goes over to Darrell (as they are on a first name basis) and inquires as to what flavor he should be desiring this evening..."What's yer poison, handsome" she says, a glint in her eye. "I'll have the usual, Kate." She nods, returning quickly with a Pepsi. He drinks as if satisfying a great thirst. "Man, that's sweet..." Just then, Barbara notices this strange man observing her. Y'know, the one with nice hands and a bass guitar sipping a Pepsi...Sensing her fear, Donna quickly takes her by the arm guiding her across the room to the table where Ryan has been sitting, enjoying the band. Donna pulls at his arm, whispering (actually yelling, its pretty loud in there) "Honey, lets get out of here". She motions to the mysterious bassist sitting at the table, observing them. "Right, let's go to Jakey's..." They collect their things and head toward the door. Darrell, seeing their sudden departure, prepares to continue his pursuit. Katie, keen observer that she is, has paid attention to the proceedings and just as Darrell is about to rise from his chair, she leans across his table, commanding his attention and preventing him from following. She happens to know Barbara and Donna well from the chess club in High School and, well, we chess clubbers always look out for one another..."I'm sorry to throw myself across you like this, Darrell," she says coyly, "But I just wondered...I'll be off in 10 minutes and I wondered if you wouldn't * ahem * accompany me this evening to Jakey's Inn. The night is young and the rooms there are oh so warm..." Darrell, who is no stranger to Katie, in fact they were once married, smiles warmly, holding her slender hands in his and squeezing them gently. At that very moment, the door bursts open as...
A girl stumbles in the pub, her eyes frantic, her hair wet and disheveled, her cloak torn and her feet muddy (did I mention it was raining outside?) Katie and Darrell turn to find Nurse Brooke standing in the doorway, seeming uncertain of what she must do next. Suddenly she cries out: "I WISH I'D NEVER TAKEN THIS EXCURSION AROUND THE BAY, HEY!!" Katie runs to the door, wrapping her arm around the frightened girl's shoulders, leading her away from the gaping crowd to the safety of the powder room. Darrell waits anxiously for them just outside. Upon their return, Brooke has shed her wet clothes for dry ones, (a lovely evening frock), and her spirit is considerably lifted having told Katie of her so recent misadventure with Danny. Brooke has a bevy with Darrell while Katie finishes work. Together they go to Jakey's Inn. Upon their arrival, Darrell is shocked to see a red VW parked out front along with an unusually large number of vehicles for Jakey's on a Friday night. Everyone usually goes to Sundance of Fridays...Katie, Darrell and Brooke enter Jakey's to a crew of familiar faces. Elf and Brian are chatting intimately over a small table looking somewhat dewy (from a shower, perhaps?), Barbara and Donna are at a table, while in the booth next to them, Katie's sister, Ang is struggling to get away from a man in a somewhat worn out sweater who seems to be trying to pin her down with his bodhran. The new arrivals shake the rain from their clothes, unnoticed in the din. Brooke is glancing around the room nervously, looking for Danny, afraid to confront him after their last encounter. Deep in her heart she knows that Jakey's gin was the purpose for her sudden desire to take holy orders, not an overwhelming desire to wear black 24/7 in addition to some nasty catholic-conscience stuff. Katie gets the attention of Mel, the waitress behind the bar and asks: "Whats UP with that?", motioning to the scene in the booth. "That's been going on all night. He just cant seem to make up his mind" she replies sighing and drying a glass. Katie can see the longing in Mel's eyes...longing that she too has known well. Katie rushes across the room to pull her sister away from this seldom sober rover. "Leave her alone, ya bum, or I'll send our brother Adam to kick your incredibly firm A$$!" says Katie through clenched (but very straight and lovely) teeth, pulling her sister away from the second saint. "But" she adds, "if youre a very good boy, you can roll me over next to the wall a little later...". His interest piqued, he raises an eyebrow and slides his room key across the table into her waiting hand. He rises from his seat in the booth and brushes Katie's arm as he passes her on the way up to the rooms. She catches a scent of him and her mouth waters in antici----pation. Ang's jaw drops upon seeing this and stares in disbelief at her sister as they move back across the room. "Don't mess with your big sister" advises Katie, "besides, Darrell's available for the evening". Ang's eyes light up in anticipation as Katie leaves her side following a set of dimples up the stairs. Séan takes Katie by the hand (okay lily white hand) as they ascend together. Ang considers the new option before her and makes her way across to the bar, where Darrell is sitting, observing the room. She begins to work her charms (it runs in the family you know) on the unsuspecting Mr. Power and soon she has him all about his PI work and is focused on his new * assignment *. The door chimes as Adam enters, making his way towards his little sister whom he sees at the bar. "hey there, little sis...who's this fella?" and then glancing toward Mel, working behind the bar.."And h-e-l-l-o, Sexy!". "Im done at 1" she replies quickly flashing her priceless grin, "You wont forget willyou?"..."How on God's green earth could I forget you, Mel." He replies. He glances about the room and realizing that certain people present have not yet noticed him, decides to duck out the door before they do. "Hey Baby, you remember where the spare key is?" he whispers to Mel, she nods in reply. He mumbles to Darrell, "Now watch yourself, bass man, you be good to my little sister or I'll kick your incredibly firm A$$!". Darrell chuckles. About a half hour later, a couple enters the pub, arm in arm, glowing. Its Alan and Caroline.
Alan is only a few paces in the door when Mel comes up to him and slaps him across the face. TrishQ, who has joined Barbara and Donna, sees him and follows suit, backhanding him and growling, "...you bastard.." Barbara, unable to stand the commotion, sighs, "Oh! The Humanity!" and swoons, fainting as Donna cries for smelling salts. Elf gets up and swats Alan for good measure, after all, Old Brown's Daughter is a vengeful sort of girl. Brooke begins shrieking, slipping into an alternate personality (Samantha who is afraid of seeing people slapping other people) while Danny, who was just filling some water bottles and prepping instruments runs out from the back room to * comfort * her. As the noise begins to subside and Barbara begins to come to, Alan is rubbing his jaw (cause those girls pack a good punch) muttering, "What did I do?" over and over. Brian leans back and volunteers, "Well, this certainly has been an exciting evening....why don't we have a battle of the Beat?" Simultaneously, everyone shouts "Shut Up Brian!"
No sooner is that said when Dr. Bob bursts through the door. "Has anyone seen my beloved?" His cheeks are stained from weeping and his chest is heaving in despair. Everyone casts a sad glance toward him. He launches into a Gilbert and Sullivan patter song: "Love, unrequited, rrrobs me of my rrrest..." When he finishes, all are amazed. Alan quips, "Geez, Dr. Bob, Ive never heard you sing before..." Dr. Bob falls to the floor, weeping. What can they say?
Herself, falls in love with Brian, but is struck color blind and can't focus on anything. Brian stands by her as she struggles to regain a sense of control over her life...she spirals downward into a hellish depressoin because she can no longer differentiate pink from purple, but Brian, conguero extraordinaire is there to hold her hand and occasionally...play with her bongos...
She loves him, but lashes out in frustration over his intense attention and he flees, hurt, into Donna's arms...but what about Ryan?
Well....he's got that half eaten piece of chicken in Alan's pocket to explain...
Bob has just fainted on the floor of Jakey's Inn. Everyone stands around doing nothing, until Barbara goes over and gives him a wiff of her smelling salts. When he comes to, he sees Barbara, and realizes that she is the one he truly loves. He finds no point in searching for Mich, who he now believes was just a figment of his imagination (just wait till she shows up later!). He declares his new found love for Barbara in front of everyone. Barbara is flattered (and a little scared), but she still deep down has this great love for Alan so she can't return Bob's love. Alan had no idea Barbara felt this way, but he now too realizes his feelings for her. Alan tells Caroline that he has a headache and has to go home (since he came in with her). Barbara sees Alan leaving and quietly follows him out...
Herself is sitting by the bar, drowning he mixed up feelings in whatever Mikes Lemonade they have left (which isnt a lot since Waitress Mel keeps a steady IV running through her arm all day long). Ryan comes over to ask her if she has seen Donna, and Elf tells him that she left with Brian earlier. Ryan too sits down and starts drinking, the two form a * special * bond that no doubt will develop in future episodes (hint hint inspiring writers).
Mel leaves work and prepares to get ready for her date with Adam. As she is walking home, she runs into Séan, and Mel is completely surprised to see that he has a gift for her. She opens it to find a brand new sweater, much like the one she previously has owned. She wonders if Séan is stalking her. Séan is hurt, and commences to pledge his undying love for her. What is Mel to do? Pick the Hottie-Hot-Hot, young vibrant Adam, merely for the pleasure of him, or choose Séan with whom she's been in love with all along?
Séan gives Mel this sweater (do I really need a new sweater? Sheesh, I already have a nice one now...how many sweaters does one person need? If it ain't broke, don't fix it!) But she appreciated the gesture and she, feeling badly, presented him with the gift she was bringing Adam. You know, leopard print undies look great on pretty much any guy.
Anyways...Séan tells Mel that the ringette team he coaches (ladies ringette) is performing a ceremony in honour of him retiring from coaching, and they are having the ceremony at Gull Island International Hockey Center. He invites Mel to go with him and she declines, feighning a headache (ahahaha ok I got myself out of it but it doesn't mean I don't love him, it is just Adam waiting and he is only in town a short while, besides, I have a bad feeling about the ceremony).
So Séan, disappointed, but rather excited and encouraged by Mel's gift of undies heads off to Gill Island Hockey Centre for the festivities. He notices an older haggard woman (ah ah ah) wandering down the street with a nun..The nun appears to be disoriented and keeps crying out the name Alan, Alan and the haggard woman can be overheard saying, "But Bob really loves you choose him!!"
Anyways, Séan is thinking, "why are women so crazy?" and he continues to make his way while thinking about how beautiful and wonderful Melanie is...
The ringette team drives by in their bus, and Hap, spinne, Mandy, Stacey, and Trace all wave out the window and scream "we Love You Séan McCann!"...The nun and Hag TURN around and realize they are in the prescence of the ringette coach extraordinaire (everyone in Petty Harbour is really extraordinary at anything they do) and they stop to chat with him. He gives them a hug at their request, but man, don't these women know when to lay off??
Meanwhile, Alan talks to Darrell about everything down at Jakey's Inn and Darrell suggests they ditch that joint for the night and head out to the hockey center to watch their old bud Séan retire his well worn sweater. Darrell, being the mysterious bassist he is, is acting strangely...he tells Alan that Paddy, their old high school gymnastics coach is going to be hanging with them tonight, but lately, Paddy's been a little funny when he has been hanging...
Paddy is a weird sort, shady guy from Cork, and has a hugh Shilleligh (sp?) he carries with him for "personal protection"...rumor has it that Paddy got caught up in some pogey scandal and started running old black rum down to the states through the black market and he has some people higher up ticked off with him. Paddy denies all this and instead points to his volunteer service at Twilingate Isle SPCA to redeem himself.
Meanwhile Séan has arrived, surrounded by screaming fans (he was a really great ringette coach, world renowned - adds Brooke - EXTRAORDINAIRE!)and he takes his place center ice. Paddy, Darrell and Alan wander in just in time, as the lights dim. They are seated front row, center ice. Just as Séan's sweater is raised to the rafters, shots ring out through the rink. Paddy and Darrell begin to run up the aisle. Alan is disoriented and trying to reach Séan, who has shielded himself behind the team and is bleeding slightly from a graze wound to the left temple...his hair is ruined! Paddy is making his way up the stairs when WHAM he is shot..killed...dead...Paddy Murphy has died...
Meanwhile across town Herself and Ryan are doing eye excersises...not to mention enjoying some 1/2 eaten chicken courtesy of Alan, who wasn't at home when Ryan got there (yes they are roomies)..so the couple dig into the chicken...
Actually, the man who gave Mel the sweater was Séan's twin brother Miké (adds Brooke - who will be referred to as Miké with the é because all Séans family has to have that é thing..). Séan was upstairs with Katie, and Katie overheard Séan on the phone with Miké saying that Miké could pull pranks on whoever he wanted...
Alan was NOT at home when his roomate got there...he found his way over to Barbara's house,taking comfort in her and enjoying their own fried chicken, telling funny stories about Paddy Murphy, and what a sin and a shame it is he's dead (and they winked at one another). All is peaceful, until the door bursts open, and in stomps Caroline, who thrusts court papers at Alan. She is taking him to court for "emotional drainage and having nicer hair than her". What Alan doesn't know is, Caroline has teamed up on this with Danny. Danny is sick of being a water boy for this two, no three, no multi-timing bazouki player. Caroline, well, she just likes being in court - Shes a DAMN good lawyer. (stay tuned for this trial)
Back at Jakey's Inn, Mel and Adam have dropped in after their *hot* date for a couple, okay, for a lot of beers. Katie and Séan comes downstairs, and the two couples start talking. All the while, Mel is detecting something strange about *Séan*. He is talking funny...he doesnt pronounce "excellent" half as well as he normally does. Mel's suspicions overcome her - she grabs a ruler from behind the bar and - sure enough - this man's right dimple is 2 1/2 millimeters less deep than Séan's right dimple! She accuses this man of being Miké , Séan's evil brother, to which he must confess. Katie is horrified, and goes to give him a Ferryland Thwack, but then reconsiders, as she thinks to herself "Ah, Good enough...". Katie and Miké proceed back up the stairs for a night of rolling over next to the wall.
Bob in the meantime, sitting in his booth in the corner, is oblivious to what is going on. He is overcome with depression, due to his bad luck with women (that, and he is sick and tired of being a psyc doctor). All of a sudden, the door bells chime, and in walks the most beautiful creature he has ever seen: it's Mich, and she tosses her flowy hair away from her face, glances over at Bob, catches his eye, and the two become lost in this romantic, lustful stare. Bob goes over to her, and......!
Mich and Bob...
Bob approaches Mich and introduces himself.."Hi I'm Dr Bob, how are you?" Mich replies "Well hello Dr. Bob I am Mich, just visiting from Ontario and here on a Human Resources conference for a few days." Bob politely asks Mich if she'd like a drink (without the ruffies!) and Mich accepts. Since Mel is off work, there is lots of Mike's hard lemonade on tap, so Bob orders a couple for them and they find a nice quiet intimate table in the corner where they can watch the band, and chat. Bob tells Mich of his job and his unhappiness with the work he is doing at Petty Harbour General. He really feels as though he isn't healing people the way he used to (Brooke is a prime example of his failure as a pshychiatrist)...Mich gently touches Dr Bob's hand, as a gesture of concern, and he reaches over and strokes her arm. She gazes longingly into those baby blues while stroking his very well toned hands, desiring so much to touch his goatee. She decides it must just be the alcohol and does not pursue it, for fear of being a floozie like all the other girls she has heard about in Petty Harbour (the men on the conference have been mentioning a Katie lately at breakfast, and Mich is concerned about the women-folk in Petty Harbour)
Anyhoo...Bob feels comforted by this beautiful, intelligent, and caring woman and he asks how long she will be in town. Mich reveals she is actually considering moving to the Rock, much to Dr Bob's delight. They agree to meet up for a lunch date tomorrow at Mary Brown's for a little chicken.
Meanwhile, back upstairs at Jakey's Inn, Katie is hungrily devouring her new (or is that old!?) lover, Miké...that is until her mother calls. Katie's mother is a little controlling (which makes sense, knowing what we know of Katie's conduct with men... she's a little free with herself... Consequence Free... or so she thinks...) Katie's mother, Olga (it is too mean to make a fellow PWAOWAHer Katie's mom...I don't think any of us are THAT old) insists Katie come home immediately as they need to discuss some things. Katie hangs up the phone, upset at having to end her rendezvous early, but she knows she shouldn't mess with mom. Miké, a little aggravated at having to stop midway through, is actually partly releived...he has to be to work early since the Butcher shop opens at 6 a.m. Before they part, Miké says to Katie "So how'd you like that special I gave you tonight? ah ah ah Did you enjoy being the jolly butcher's wife?" To which Katie replies " It was fantastic, Miké, I thoroughly enjoyed sampling your "deli"cious wares"...they give each other one last kiss...
Melanie and Adam have popped into Jakey's for a few cases of Mike's before they head over to Alan and Brian's to meet up with Herself and Brian. Everyone is feeling grand. Meanwhile, that whole fiasco is occuring at the ice rink...Séan has managed to flee, with Alan's help, and they end up running outside the rink to find Father Fred and Darrell waiting in the VW beetle, beckoning them into the car. Neither Alan or Séan knows what has happened to Paddy because of all the confusion...Darrell knows, Father Fred knows, but they aren't telling (just yet anyways)...Besides Alan has a lot on his mind, what with the new law suit and his yet to be consumated relationship with Barbara...Realize, that because Séan and Alan have fled the scene of a crime, Caroline will be *ahem* hot on someone's tail shortly. So the four men drive off in the beetle and take Séan to Petty Harbour General to have his head examined...too bad about the hair...hopefully it grows back in nicely. Alan calls Séan's mom to meet them at the hospital, and Anita shows up with a grave look. She has about had it with Séan's behaviour lately, and is getting really tired of him not being around the house to help out (yes he stills lives at home...who else would iron his clothes for him?!) Anita marches into the hospital room, Séan shocked at his mother's terse (sp?) look says "Mudder, so glad you are here, but what is wrong?" Anita replies "Séan, it is time to settle down and be a real man, a MAN's MAN...I just got off the phone with Katie MacHoar's mother, and we have a propostion..." Cut to Melanie and Adam saying goodbye after a party at Herself's and Brians (these two have a little rhythm research to get to) and all is well...Melanie kisses Adam goodbye, strokes his dimples one last time and they promise to hook up again soon...he is heading out of town for awhile...special convention in New York...requring tuxedos and he promises to send her some nice pics, and the both agree...they can see other people till he gets back into town.
Melanie goes home and checks her voice mail..she has the usual five messages from her crazy nun friend Barbara, but things sound like they are going well...she has met a musician who is rocking her world. Then a message from Séan...he asks her to come to Petty Harbour General immediately. She grabs a cab, and gets there in five minutes. He fills her in on what happened at the rink, but Séan doesn't even know half the story, and does not yet know Irish Paddy Murphy has died...anyways...The following discourse occurs
Séan: "Melanie, honey, what would you say if I ..um..If I told you , Katie-Mac's mother's making Katie-Mac marry me?"
Melanie: SCREAMS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Séan: "Let me rephrase that...WHAT WOULD YOU SAY if I said...Katie-Mac'smother'smakingKatie-Macmarryme?"
Melanie: "Um...your mother's making you marry Katie-Mac?"
Séan: "Yes, even though lots of fellas have had her on her back", his mom wants him to wed her.
Melanie sobs," But Séan, all those stories, her and the boys on the hills of Bennifee...are they true?"
Séan says "yes, and apparently Katie-Mac's mother has pictures of Séan fooling around with Katie-Mac during berry-picking season at Auntie Mary's up in those same hills and he and Katie got a little too amorous. Now he is being blackmailed into marrying her so as not to hurt his post ringette-coaching career...
Melanie and Séan mull this over as Katie-Mac is across town, planning a grand affair since the wedding's on Wednesday...
so..........
Even though today is Sunday, it takes 2 weeks for Wednesday to get here. Tuesday lasts the entire second week and finally Wednesday has arrived. Everyone in Petty Harbour has turned up for the wedding. Mich and Dr Bob are there together, having found *ahem* bliss in each other's company. There have been some rumours flying around that there will be another wedding shortly after Sean and Katie-Mac's, but Mich and Bob aren't saying anything... It is reported to be less of a grand affair.
Herself and Brian show up together, having untangled exactly what was going on with Ryan... Ryan was merely helping her through her colour-blindness so that she could return to Brian *ahem* uninhibited. ;-) She is very relieved that they have lasted this long. No rumours are flying around about them yet, but that seems to be because Brian is less-desired than some of the other men Herself has been with, which is fine by her. After the Alan fiasco, she wants nothing to do with much-sought-after men.
Katie is not sure exactly what to think. She loved Séan very much, but since having been with Miké she's torn... She discusses her dilemma with her Maid of Honour, Mel, who comes up with a cunning plan... Caroline and Danny discuss their *ahem* plan of action... for court, that is. Caroline want to take that no-good, but incredibly handsome, bouzouki player for all he's worth (in more ways than one), but Danny wants to settle the score out of court. He also has a cunning plan for revenge... Then Mr. Doyle himself shows up and the scene is instantly tense...
Suddenly it's time for the wedding to start. The bride looks absolutely stunning, but has insisted on remaining veiled for the entire ceremony. Both Séan's and Katie-Mac's mother are standing sternly at the front, making sure that both parties go through with it. It seems that there is more to this forced marriage than simply retribution for a bit of pre-marital fooling around...
The bride and groom take their places at the altar. Both say "I do" with perfect conviction and the rings are firmly in place. The bride to this point has not removed the veil from her face. The groom lifts the veil to kiss his new wife... It isn't Katie at all! No, Mel's cunning plan was to replace Katie in the wedding so that Katie would be free for Miké (and Mel would be married to Séan, which couldn't be a bad thing either)! So here we have Mel now married to Séan... But then she notices something... His right dimple is shallower than she remembers... To her amazement, Séan reveals himself to be his twin brother, Miké. So just to clarify, Mel is married to Miké, not Séan!
So Mel's married Miké, by accident, but he put Katie up to it because he REALLY REALLY loves me...but wait...Dr Bob stands up just as the rings are being placed on their fingers and he yells..."I object I object!"
*gasps all around*
Father Fred: "Why Dr Bob....? Why? What good reason can you possibly have?"
Dr Bob: "I have information about Miké and Katie that is important...Katie-Mac is pregnant with the Jolly Butcher's Baby..."
*gasps all around*
Melanie faints, Katie runs shrieking out of church...Ryan passes around some Mary Brown's for those who are getting hungry with the delays...Barbara keeps giving Alan that "roll me over next to the wall" look, and Séan rushes to Melanie's side.
Miké, well, he walks up to Ryan and grabs the bucket of half eaten chicken and settles into the pew for what is sure to be an interesting scene...Meanwhile Katie is running down St Georges St and bumps into Billy Peddle and Mrs White who are off to teach fiddle lessons to disadvantaged youth in Outer Cove. Billy stops Katie (his cousin) to find out what's wrong...
OK
So we still have to deal with that whole Melanie/Katie/Séan/Miké wedding thing but in the meantime...Paddy Murphy's death and subsequent investigation/strange happenings...
Mandy...is a schoolteacher and she is out for a walk one day with the school children. One of the kids, Martin, spots a strange sight just off the shore. It looks like a rather large pile of wood. Mandy asks Martin to show her exactly what he has spotted. Martin and the other children run, like foam upon the tide, towards this giant pile of wood. What they see they will never forget....
Across town...
"Ring Ring" - Darrell answers phone: "Darrell Power here, Private Investigator and sometimes Mysterious Bassist. What can I do for ya?"
Mandy: "Mr Power, Um...there has been an accident...I need your help and I didn't want to call the police till I spoke to you...I have been informed by close friends you may know something about what I have just witnessed...Please come down to Logy Bay immediately...I have just met with a body and I need your help..."
Darrell: "Be there in a jif, Mandy...don't talk at anyone till I gets there..."
At Logy Bay...
Darrell arrives, again driving Father Fred's VW Beetle (which by the way, how did Father Fred get it back from Barbara?!)...at this point Mandy and the schoolchildren (who are scared, like frightened partridge) are watching the waves crash into the wreck. Mandy runs to Darrell (noticing how funky he walks and how nice that behind is!) and motions him towards the wreck. Meanwhile, old man Lukey strolls up, looking a little agitated.
Darrell: "Hey there old man Lukey...isn't that the prettiest boat you've ever seen?"
Lukey: "Wha? Wha?"
Darrell, pointing at scrap of wood in water: "I say, that is the prettiest boat I've ever seen, such a pretty shade of green!"
Lukey: "Darrell, me son, that is ME boat...that is me beloved boat...it's got a fine fore cutty and every seam's been chinked with putty...look at 'er now...pile of scrap..." Turning towards Mandy, giving her a wink,"But, darlin', did you know me wife is dead and she's underground" *wink, wink*
Mandy: "Um...no old man Lukey, I hadn't heard about that, since the last time you told me, what, three hours ago?! Hmph..."
Darrell, now realizing it is Lukey's boat, starts to take down notes, suspicious that Lukey is going to try to write this off in some sort of insurance fraud scandal....he also notes that old man Lukey is looking MORE than a little interested in Mandy...which pleases Darrell none...he always thought Mandy was a sweet girl...but we have yet to see where this goes :)
While all of this is happening, Martin and his friends have managed to venture a little closer to the cracked up hull of the ship, and soon discover...da da da dum....A BODY...In Logy Bay....Mandy saw it, but didn't want to frighten the children more and had hoped their cursed parents would have shown up by now to collect the kids...but no, Curious Martin sees the body and starts to flip out. Mandy runs to comfort the children , which is when Darrell realizes how much he loves this strong, caring, mothering, nurturing woman...but hey, he has a case to work on here and the romance will have to wait....
Darrell inspects the boat and the body, coming to the realization the body is none other than...one of the McCann boys...he can tell from the dimples, but knows he will need the help of numerous Petty Harbour women in order to identify which brother it is...damn dimples....
So we now know that either Séan or Mike is dead...but how? why? by whom? why was he locked in the hull of old Lukey's boat?
Darrell instantly suspects foul play...Katie-Mac, Melanie, AngC and Alan all pop into his head immediately as suspects...he must notify Father Fred (and others in his ring) of what he has witnessed...not to mention, he is kind of hungry and did miss lunch...so he asks Mandy to escort him back into town under the false pretences she has to go to the RCMP with him to report the body...of course, Mandy agrees...she's always had a thing for mysterious men with nice butts and a funky attitude.
The children go home, Lukey pushes the remnants of his boat up the hill (he LOVED that boat, and he is pissed at Darrell for hitting on Mandy, so he figures he will mess with the crime scene as much as possible!) and Darrell and Mandy head to Jakey's for some cod tongues and dumplings.
Séan/Mike lies in the hull of the boat with a giant shillelagh poking out of his chest...but don't worry....this is a soap opera so we all know the boat will be there tomorrow...
Meanwhile, down in Currabawn, the jolly beggarman, Johnny Dhu, has just heard through his street friends about Paddy Murphy's untimely death and has taken it UPon himself to inform Mrs Murphy...he strolls UP to her house, of course he has his bagpipes and rigadoo, and is the first person to break the news to her.
Mrs Murphy sits in the corner of her kitchen, and pours out her grief...this becomes an important fact when we get to the trial (numerous trials are about to occur!)...
Ok...we need a little sex now....
Here is where Katie comes in...ah ah ah
When last we saw Katie she had met up with her cousin Billy Peddle and his friend Mrs White as they were heading to Outer Cove (actually, outer Outer Cove) to teach fiddle lessons to disadvantaged youth. She had just been advised by Dr Bob in the church that she was preggo, and neither she or we know who the papa is...is it Séan, now retired ringette-coach and aspiring shoe shine boy, or Miké, the jolly butcher...in either case, her chances are 50/50 that the proud papa is dog food...
Billy (I know I said there was going to be sex in this scene but don't worry...not with Billy or Mrs White) takes Katie back to his place to comfort her while Mrs White heads on out to teach. They arrive at Billy's, just as his roomate Tom White is getting home (he's a little distressed about his recent split with Sally Tibbo)...someone else will have to pick up this threesome after....
Melanie...(still no sex)...is either a) Married to Séan b) Married to Miké c) now a widow, or d) married and happy depending on which guy bit the big one in Lukey's hull...she doesn't know about any of this until she staggers into Jakey's after that whole ruckus at the church....Séan and Miké both disappeared after the ceremony, and no-one has seen hide nor hoar of either.
Mich and Bob...well they left the wedding cause it was a little too PSYCHO for their liking...they went to down to Greenspond for the evening to a little B & B...they are having mucho fun, but I won't get into it, cause they are having a nice healthy relationship, and we all know, in soaps, no-one cares about THOSE people...
Meanwhile...Ang has arrived back into town after a shoe shopping trip to the mainland and cannot reach Katie, her beloved sister, and calls Adam in New York to see how his conference went. Adam tells Ang about his situation with Mel (thinking they will date whenever he gets into town, not knowing about the wedding fiasco) and Ang, excited about the prospect of having Mel as a sister-in-law (not really, but this is what she makes Adam think, really she just wants less competition for Séan) asks Adam to come up as a surprise to Melanie, and he agrees it would be nice...ah ah ah
Herself and Brian...rhythm research going well, her sight is good, but wait...there have been rumblings that Donna and Ryan have moved to Splitsville and this worries Herself...she has seen that look in Donna's eyes when they have been on double dates at Mary Brown's...Donna is not to be trusted...
Barbara and Brooke, having both been in the sistahood, bond over a couple of bevvies at Jakey's, only to discover they BOTH have been Alan's lover...what happens after this is just disgusting...
Teddy in the meantime has returned to London (teddy bear sales were WAY down in Petty Harbour) and she decides to head to a friends for the weekend...she jumps the Brown Line and as the train takes off, she rather clumsily lands in the lap of a handsome man...who is this new stranger (hint hint...he is from Petty Harbour, and plays the bouzouki...)
OK
That's it
Hopefully that gets the creative juices flowing...
Also one suggestion...this whole soap wraps Dec 31 at the annual Petty Harbour Talent Show...seems fitting doesn't it?
One grande finale to tie up all the loose ends and to get this baby immortalized on its own page :) Let me know whacha think!
Cool, Mel, but, um, well...Wouldn't Darrell have taken Mandy to the RNC? (Royal Newfoundland Constabulary?) In Real Life, I'm not sure if they police Petty Harbour, although the info I found said "St. John's, Mt. Pearl and
surrounding areas in North East Avalon." (Whatever _that_ means, they weren't very specific;) I just think Royal Nfld. Constabulary sounds way cooler than RCMP.
(Real Life, of course, is way over rated ;)
(AND HERE WE CONTINUE)....
Barbara is so taken aback by Brooke admitting her night of hoar passion that she abruptly throws her drink in Brooke's face. Brooke is briefly blinded for a moment and jumps up yelling, "Grog in a damn jar!". Barbara wipes her eyes, which sting with tears, as she remembers that her night with Alan was her deflowering. Did she give up the sistahood for nothing. She is determined to find her hoary bouzouki (who is in London with Teddy, remember). She thinks he headed over to Gull Island (to console Séan/Miké's family) and needs to confront him about Brooke. As she passes a t.v. in a store window on her way to Fred's VW, she sees the news of Paddy and Darrell's interview with the press.....
We last left with the horrid discovery of one of the famed McCann brothers murdered in poor Lukey's boat leaving a few bereft women stranded. As for one of the women, Angela, having been so rudely shoved aside amidst all of the confusion with the brothers changing places so often, she took off to get on with her life and start all over. We leave the scene of the boat and three (if there are more, sorry, too many to keep track of)women huddled together praying it isn't "her" McCann man.
Onto a new storyline: We stumble into a tavern owned by none other than Jack Hinks. He decided that since he couldn't find a wife, and he tired of smelling like fish, he'd open his own tavern so he wouldn't have to constantly pay for his drinks while other made a profit off of him. Lights dimmed, an eery fog has drifted in while the door was left opened, and up in the front on a make shift stage sits a woman on a stool. And this woman, a most beautiful woman I must add (since it is my story right now),on her stool looks mighty forlorn. In her long red dress she recently found and threw on (Dixie chicks reference here...see Sin Wagon from the cd Fly), and her short blond hair, she made such a striking figure. Singing a sad song (since no one's put music to her own, she's lost in Chick land), "Hello Mr. Heartache. I've been expecting you. Come in and wear your welcome out the way you always do." As she sang this sad song of yet another love gone awry, in walks a tall, dark and uniquly handsome stranger. He's a stranger to her, but not to this tavern nor to this story. He, himself, has had a few too many "loves" also gone awry. His heart in pieces, his mind set against ever loving again, he sees this woman. After her last set, he sends a drink to her dressing room (Fuzzy navel, yummmmmmmmmmmmmmm)with a note: Run Runaway with me!
So, she came out after throwing back her drink. Sauntering up to this stranger, she sat down. He needed no introduction, he already knew who she was, but she on the other hand didn't know him. "I'm commonly known as Dr. Bob in this part of town" he said in that deliciously bass way he has of speaking. They talked a bit about unrequited love, love turned bad, love that wasn't love after all. They talked, they drank, they gazed. Finally, Dr. Bob decided she would "cure" him nicely. She too had been tossed aside in this fickle little town and knew what he was feeling. He wanted to be consequence free for just one night (at least). No need to worry about approval or permission, he wanted to slip off the edge and never worry about this fall! So off they went, to Bob's house. They spent a week there and never cared about what was going on outside, this woman with the unique accent (as unique as his, just from a waaaaay different part of the continent) had him wrapped around her fair fingers. He never wanted to leave, except to make all the other women jealous whom he loved with his heart and soul. This woman wasn't the answer to his prayer, but she'd help him for a time as they helped get over the past and forged ahead with new plans for the furture and how to gain revenge on this island. But little did Angela know what was happening over on the coast with Lukey's boat, as the coroner discovered whose body is really there...
Everone has gone from Logy Bay to Petty Harbour General, where the body in the boat has been taken for Autopsy. PI, ASMB Darrell Power would have had one of the McCann brother' *many* love interests measure the body's dimples but no one could get close enough without "tossing their pepsi and cookies".
Meanwhile, it seems the entire town has gathered in the hall outside the morgue (with the obvious exception of AngC and Doctor Bob).
Mandy and Darrell have come in the same car (they spent a little "quality time" together, if you catch my drift). Lukey is there too, rather frustrated with the closeness of Mandy and Darrell. Alan and Barbara are arguing loudly in one corner, with Brooke giving Barbara evil glances from the opposite side of the hall. Katie is sitting with Billy Peddle (her cousin) and Mrs. White. The three are *strangely* =
silent...
Herself and Brian are standing together, though neither is speaking to the other (they had a falling out, which will have to be expanded upon later). Donna is pacing back and forth, anxiously awaiting the verdict, as well as distraught over her breakup with Ryan (who is sitting *on* the nurses' desk, loudly munching on chicken legs). Mel is twiddling her thumbs near the door to the morgue. She is pretending to be upset over =
whether the body could be Miké's, but she is more worried that it is Séan's.
Suddenly...the door to the morgue swings open. Out walks Doc...she slowly takes off her gloves...as everyone stares at her in anticipation.
"The Body.." starts doc, "belongs to none other than..Miké McCann. Im sorry Mel". Loud gasps come from all around : Mel faints, Ang screams, Barbara slaps Alan, Ryan drops his chicken, Herself crumbles in Brians arms.
"Now the question is" begins PI, ASMB Darrell, who killed Miké McCann?"
As the commotion around the room swells to a fevered pitch, Detective Darrell spikes a shrill whistle to calm everyone down and douce the women with water who seemed to have lost "sense of themselves". "Everyone just calm down. Now we need to set up times to start asking some questions around here as to what happened to this lad. I'll come around to each of you and set up a time, meanwhile, no one leaves till I say so (in his most authoritative way)." The other girls help Mel up off the floor, as she dusts herself off, she swears,"If anyone dares to touch my Séan you'll be in the same place Miké is now!" (which leaves the other girls wishing they'd left her on the floor.)
Brian is relieved to know Elf still loves him and his bongo playing self, he holds her as a warm blanket to keep out the cold reality of life as they know it. Alan, standing and rubbing his yet slapped again cheek, muttering "damn women! Why do they keep doing that?" Ryan, all greasy from the chicken he was munching on rushes to Donna, who doesn't care that he's greasey from chicken, to hold her and make sure she knows he's
still there for her, wild hair and all. As Det. Darrell makes his way around the room, Billy Peddle, Mrs. White and Katie all start talking in hushed tones together. No one really pays attention to the threesome, except Det. Darrell. He finds it odd that Katie hasn't fainted, screamed or slapped anyone. And that Mrs. White looks somewhat bewildered and that Billy Peddle looks a bit smug. Angela and Dr. Bob are huddled in a
corner, and Angela is pouring out her sad story.
Flashback scene: it was the day of the errant wedding. The brides had just gotten mixed up, and Miké was sitting in the back of the congregation, smiling that smug smile of his, so like his brother's, yet without the sincerity of Séan's. That was the first time she saw him. He looked onto her, with a new light in his eyes. He wanted to know who this woman was, yet after what had just happened, he could tell she too was in love with that wreched brother of his who kept women hanging by a thread for his every call. He wanted to know her better, to see if there was anyway she could see past the dimples, into the heart that felt as heavy and hard as stone.
He called her later, and asked her out for a cup of coffee. She agreed, thinking it would be interesting to see how deep family ties really ran in the McCann clan. Over coffee, they talked and got to know each other. Miké was falling hard, but Angela still thought of Séan and couldn't see that Miké wanted her to know the real him. After that, Miké was out walking, and happened upon Katie. He figured she thought he was Séan and so began to "act the part". Angela went home to think of the differences of Séan and Miké; and how sweet they both were, but how they both used women too. Séan kept them on a string, hanging around for him, while Miké knew exactly what he was doing when he was with one of his brothers women pretending to be Séan. It tore her heart.
But she slowly began to see what it must have been like for Miké, being the twin of only the most fabulous looking man this side of the equator. Looking just like him, but without that certain spark, and the rest of the centimeters to make the dimple the same depth, that just sent women flocking to Séan's side. Always being in the shadows when girl would approach him asking if he'd help them meet Séan, or what was it like being Séan's brother. Angela's heart started to melt for this man who only wanted a woman to love him, not him as his brother. But she knew it was too late, her heart belonged to Séan and he belonged to just about every other floozy in St. John's. So, off she went to work, to sing in that run down shack of a tavern, Hinks Clinks(you know, the sound glasses make when hit together, like for a toast).
As Miké and Katie are talking (he still thinking she thought he was Séan), a figure stepped out of the shadows, and then all Miké saw was Katie's face melting into darkness.
Back to present day reality Dr. Bob assures her it's not her fault, things just happen. And that if she'd go back to his house with him when all is done, he'd make her fears deminish and bring back her cheerful self. While looking onto the other women in the room, planning his next bit of strategy. And Angela, looking for Séan, wishing it'd been him, not his brother, Miké in that boat.
In another area. . . . Back at the nunnery, Sister Caity was laying on her stomach on her bunk and paging through the newspaper. Suddenly, she saw a brilliant color photo of the dead body found in Lukey’s boat. She immediately dug into the article, enthralled with the story of the investigation and all the key players in it. When she had re-read the article at least six times, she paused to think for a moment (I know, it’s dangerous!). This glamorous life of detective work sounded fascinating . . . and Mr. Powers didn’t sound too bad himself! Her decision made, she scittered down the hall and burst into Sister Ardra’s room. She threw her habit on the bed and with sarcasm dripping from her voice she proclaimed: “I like black and white.” Ardra glanced up, surprised. “You like black and white?” Caity asked. Still confused but starting to catch on, Ardra shook her head ‘no.’ She was yearning for a life outside the nunnery. . . . “Then let’s run runaway!” Caity shouted triumphantly. Later that night, after spending their free hours braiding a rope out of bed sheets, the two nuns stealthily crept down the side of the abbey and disappeared into the night. The next morning (after hitchhiking for an hour and then giving up the previous night) they stepped off a rickety bus and onto a bustling street in the beautiful city of their destination. Caity and Ardra, having changed into pedestrian clothing, hustled down the sidewalk. While they were waiting on the curb to cross a busy street, Caity paused for a moment to reflect on their adventure. “And I say, whey hey hey, it’s just an ordinary day, and it’s all your state of mind!” she belted spontaneously. A passerby elbowed her sharply in the ribs in an attempt to get her to shut up, and another pushed her, almost causing her to fall into the path of a speeding car. Ardra grabbed her sleeve and steadied her. “Caity sings in the corner,” Ardra sang, “let em say what they want, but she won’t stop tryin’, oh you know! She might stumble if they push her a’round, she might fall, but she’ll never lie down, it’s not so bad!” After a lengthy excursion around the town in search of Detective Powers, they decided to stop in a small, quiet bar to ask directions to the site of the Lukey’s Boat Murder. While Caity strode to the counter to talk to the bartender, Ardra spotted an attractive man sitting by himself in a corner booth. A *very* attractive man. His long, brown-auburn hair hung slightly in his face, but it couldn’t hide the red marks staining his cheeks. Ardra quietly padded over to him, and when her shadows fell across his face he glanced up. Ardra smiled shyly at him. Alan’s sorrowful expression (akin to that of a wet puppy) lifted slightly and his gaze lingered on her. He patted the seat next to him and Ardra slide in the booth next to him. “You look sad,” Ardra murmured. Alan nodded and pointed to his cheeks. “I’m not having much luck today, eh?” Ardra gave him sympathetic looks and covered his hand, resting on the table-top, with hers in a gesture of compassion. Alan draped his arm around her shoulders and smiled at her winningly. Ardra reached up took a piece of his gorgeous hoar and twirled it between her fingers. He laughs softly. Caity scanned the bar for Ardra, and once she spotted her, she decided to leave her alone with her new significant other for a few minutes. Caity sauntered over and took a table in the corner, under a harsh beam of artificial light. She sat and watched the slow stream of people who staggered in. Suddenly, her muscles tensed and she stiffened as *the* major suspect in the killing of Mike McCann sauntered in. . . . . . .
Darrell Power, Private Investigator and Sometimes Mysterious Bassist (right?) is perplexed by the deaths of Paddy Murphy and Miké McCann. It occurs to him that the whereabouts of Kelly's Gang and Jack and John, the Jolly Roving Tar boys, were unknown at the time of each disappearance. Darrell remembers that Jolly Roving Tar boy John had a torrid affair with Brooké in Quidi Vidi before she became a nun. The experience so disturbed her that Goin' Up & into her calling was necessary. She needed the sistahood to come gather all around her & ease her Catholic Conscience....
And Kelly's Gang has always had a mysterious connection to Caroline the leggy lawyer with the lilting Irish accent. And Darrell can't forget the words of his friend Séan -- that he didn't have a twin brother. Who was Miké? Why is he Séan's double? Wave Over Wave of despair was hitting Darrell, and he was in serious caffeine withdrawl. He needed the Chemical Process of caffeine surging through his blood. Lukey's latté from earlier that day made him feel like a strong coffee-needin' jolly beggarman.
While sorting through old papers, Darrell comes across a familiar face - WHAT?! Dr. Bob Halletenstein (that's STEEN), who now sports a jaunty goatee and short hair, looks strikingly similar to a long-haired magnet salesman-cum-fiddle-stringer-ex-plastic-surgeon extraordinaire named Robert Hallett! Robert Hallett was convicted 5 years ago of performing illegal plastic surgery on Katie (rendering her old and wrinkly), Herself (rendering her an Elf), Caroline (rendering her a little too leggy), Trish (rendering her hands hoary) and dear, sweet, misunderstood Alan, rendering him, well, just as a wonderful, good-looking charismatic singer whose looks and musical ability have constantly overshadowed his friend Séan but -- well we don't need to get into that...
"I'se the B'ye!!!" cries Darrell, PIASMB. Another document, collected by Rowan the Canadian Tire manager and part-time PIASMB assistant reveals itself. Before you can say mari-mac's mother's making mar-mac marry me, Darrell realizes the true identity of Miké.
Miké is really the Drunken Sailor (the drunken sailor who was heading over with the Ferryland Sealer was just a little tipsy, not the REAL Drunken Sailor)!! No wonder Mel was so hooked on the Miké's Hard Lemonade!
Darrell rushes out of his office, bumping ex-sista Barbara to the ground as she walks by. Darrell ignores her, funkily bounding up the street to Petty Harbour General to confront Dr. Bob.
"Dr. Bob, you are really the magnet-salesman-cum-fiddle-stringer-ex-plastic-surgeon extraordinaire!" Dr. Bob is horrified...
"WHY did you do surgery on the Drunken Sailor to look like Séan McCann!!! It's not fu-fu-funny you know". Séan himself bursts into the room. WHAT! The dead guy from Lukey's boat with the fine fore cutty Miké is the Drunken Sailor!!? Then the mysterious NorthernNurse appears. She was helping Doc with the autopsy and declares: "I found a Brown line ticket, a handmade teddy bear and a jar of chocolate body paint in the Drunken Sailor's hand during the autopsy (he had really big hands)...
Alan (yes, him) bursts into the room. "She was born a libra, and I'm a Gemini"!!!! "WHO?!!" they all cried together. "Teddy, me own true love! She gave me fuzzy pink bunny slippers when I met her. I love her!!"
Barbara, who had followed Darrell and was listening at the door, bursts in. "But Alan, I'm here to rehabilitate you. I Can't Stop Falling For You despite your problem and problems and problems." Alan deliciously raises his eyebrows. Maybe Teddy ain't his true love. Maybe she's really a Capricorn.
Séan is overwhelmed with grief over the death of his old friend the Drunken Sailor -- after all he's the one who will have to carry him to his buryin' ground. Séan screams, Darrell faints, Alan slaps Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob slaps Alan back, Alan then slaps the screaming Séan and fainting Darrell. Barbara decides to take advantage of the mayhem and do something scandalous, delectable and daring to Alan.......
Barbara and Alan...Barbara attemtps to convince Alan that Teddy is not the woman for him based on the fact she is Capricorn. Alan begins to fall for Barbara based on this quite logical argument. Barbara lies and tells Alan she is a Libra in the hopes that this information enough will keep them close (really she is a bullheaded Taurus, but we could tell that anywyas!!) and it does keep Alan in her arms briefly, that is until he meets Ardra that same night at Jakey’s, after she escapes from the nunnery with Caity. So here we have Alan, who has been with three nuns...(anyone seeing a pattern here?! After all, when he went to MUN he was majoring in English and Phiolosophy, after briefly dabbling in Anthropology and Bioengineering and Interior Design (he has QUITE an eye, that b’y))...To summarize, Alan maintains his “relationship” with Barbara under the false pretense she is a Libra, and he starts to see Ardra on the side.
Meanwhile, NortherNurse, after discovering that plethora of evidence in the Drunken Sailor’s monstrous hands, begins to suspect that the poor dead man was actually returning from a voyage across the Atlantic. NorthernNurse herself has been on that same Brown Line (she wasn’t looking for a lover or friend, but she was working undercover as a tube security gaurd, before her nursing days, so she knows what happens in those tunnels in the deep dark depths of the London Underground)...also she is familiar with the teddy bear she saw in his huge hands, as she collects them, after being introduced to the wonderful world of teddy bear collection by her friend Teddy (who lives in London, and rides said Brown Line).
And...NorthernNurse, being diabetic, is ALL too familiar with the chocolate body paint the sailor was hoarding...(how do you think she found out she was diabetic? It was a messy scene...the paramedics found her lying amongst stained sheets, Barry Manilow on the CD player, and her lover passed out from exhaustion...she still doesn’t know who called the EMS...) Anyhoo, she has recovered and vowed to live a more ordinary life in Petty Harbour after her wild days in London. But she knows she has info to share with the ever funky PIASMB and she rushes off to Jakey’s to see if she can find him (and to grab a pint or two of Guiness...a bad London habit she DIDN’T lose).
Caroline, the leggy lawyer, Herself, the Elf, Katie (old, wrinkly, pregnant with triplets), and Trish (with her big hoary hands) all convene for a secret meeting of the Hallettenstein Freak Brigade, to decide how to proceed...they don’t want to be outed...after all, Petty Harbour is a small place, and remember what happened to that Petty Harbour Dog-Boy?! He was forever banished from the communtiy, a fate none of the women wish to endure...Caroline suggests the contact Kelly’s Gang for help. The others wish to call the Jolly Roving Tar Boys, which they do.
Jack and John arrive at the HFB Meeting and sit down. Well, Jack sits down, until Caroline shrieks “Get up Jack, John sit down!” John sits down, till Herself grabs him and yells “Have a dance!”...so Herself (the elf) dances with John, until Brian shows up at their secret hideout (at the back of Jakey’s) and he whacks John over the head with his bongo. Herself is a little taken aback by Brian’s display of affection, or so she thinks. Brian has snapped, finally, after years of suppression and not being able to play in public and has decided to run off with the Big Boy Band and tour the US, playing concerts for broke university students, accepting payment in hula dolls, and shooters. Obviously, Herself needs to have a quiet conversation with Brian and help him through this crisis.
Meanwhile, Alan, Séan, Bob, and Darrell are all screaming, slapping, and fainting on the dance floor. Noone else is sure what is going on so they all stay out of it for now and enjoy some Mary Brown’s that Ryan has so graciously brought to Jakey’s (half eaten , but free is good!). Everyone that is, except Donna, who is sitting at the bar, dreaming of Demasduit and the giant stranger she saw on the blanket that night she was wandering by...he had such beautiful hair growth on his chin, and he was playing the fiddle and whistle simulatenously, something Ryan could never do (he’s tried, but frankly, it was a frightening sight!)
So that by’s are bugging out on the dance floor, and noone knows quite what to do ...that is until Caity leaves Ardra mooning over Alan and points at the stranger who has just entered, and says....”The murderer is...........”
Teddy, meanwhile, is on the phone with NortherNurse, arranging plans for her to come over from London on the next flight to assist in identifying the origin of the teddy bear and body paint (Teddy is NOT diabetic)! This can only mean bad news for Alan....
Mél and Adam, after taking their walk on the beach and being stalked by wandering Lukey, decide to head to the Airport to sing a little song to the booksellers....
After wandering out of the bar, Alan found himself walking aimlessly through the streets of St-John's. It was automn, leaves falling down the trees in the poetic way they do in Canada. One leaf at a time. Then he saw her. She was sitting on the docks, breathing the air has if it were the most exquisite perfume, feeling life go through her. Oh, he remembered her. But it was such a long time ago, he doubted she would even recognize him. She hadn't seen him, too much taken by the beauty this day had to offer. The wind from the northeast le nordet as she would have called it was swaying her brown hair carelessly and her cheeks were red from the cold. How could he have forgotten about her? Every inch of his body was craving her. He went up to her and even though he tripled majored at MUN, he couldn't think of anything intelligent to say. "It's a cold day for september" said he. He knew something had changed between them because the talk he made was small, but what can you say to someone when they've heard you say it all? She smiled at him and the heavens opened up. Oh, how he had missed her sweet french-canadian accent. And he anticipated the sweet and gentle touch of her lips on his cheek for he knew this was how things were done in this french speaking colony of unrequited dreams he visited so long ago. "I haven't seen you in a long time" she said, kissing him fondly on the right cheek, then on the left. "No, not since I've been gone" he answered. The conversation was awkward, in a most peculiar way. It had been weeks now, since she'd left her home back in Quebec and accepted a position at Petty Harbour General. After majoring in French Litterature back in Quebec City, she had entered Graduate School to become an epidemiologist. But little did he know that she had applied for the job in the hope he would be around when she got to Petty Harbour. She'd been called in to work on a series of reports regarding a slapping epidemic going around, but so far she had no evidence of it being lethal in anyway, so she had time to indulge into a heated affair with a long lost man whose hair she once stroked with delight. They left the docks and walked down to the park. They kept talking of the things that were back then, at the times they went out on St-John's street. He made her laugh when he reminded her of the time he got himself locked out of his hotel and had to go through the front door twice. And when she kissed him, it all came back to her. How his hair was soft, his perfume divine and his touch. Oh, it felt so good. Here she goes again. Her heart's on the line. She knew that by coming here she'd have to spend a life on even rhymes hoping that when she reached the end he'd be hers. The night was growing colder, but she that wasn't the reason why she was shivering. He whispered in her ear: "hey, look at the sky". It had been years since she had seen any northern lights. And he knew how much she liked them. In her very attractive sort of way she lied down in the grass to grasp what she seemed to be the essence of life itself. "It's like the skies dancing for you. Telling you that things will be alright no matter what". He kneeled down and lied beside her, looking at the green glows moving accross the sky. "You know what?" She said. All that is missing is poetry and a good bottle of red wine… He rolled over and whispered to her ear "I must be going, but I swear I won't be long". As if she'd be going anywhere.
the introduction of a new love interest for Alan. Someone who won't slap him perhaps (yes, the epidemic has gone way too far). After all, he has been with, and been slapped by almost evey other Hoar, so maybe a change to someone who is somewhat removed from the situation would be good for him. Now, I wonder who thsi new stranger could be. ANy ideas.....Isa??!!!
Yep, that's it. Mich's friend Isa has finally made the trip to Newfoundland, havign heard about the problems betwen Mich and Dr. Bob. Mich, of course, knew about his rather interesting background, but chose to keep it secret out of respect for those who had surgery (and no, Mich ain't one of them!). While she has been trying to distance herself (last thing Mich wants is to have Darrell Power PI start looking into her past) from the investigation that isrevealing so much about Dr. Bob's hidden past. Needless to say though, she has been in constant contact with Bob, and is fully supporting him in his current endeavors. He may have made a few mistakes in his professional past, but he is back on track now, and no one really got hurt by it. Unless you count the patients, but hey, they signed the release from, and it isn't Dr. Bob's fault that the information was released to the public. He had burned all his records concerning the surgeries, so the evidence of their occurrence must have come from private notes made by the nurse who assisted. Now I wonder who that might be..........
Meanwhile.....
Doc walks over to Alan and slaps him across the face.(sorry couldn't resist)
"What was that for?!" he protests.
"Because As bad as you are, YOU'RE STILL HERE!" screams Doc. At this point Doc breaks down and tell of the sordid story of her, Alan and Mikè. It seems as though many years ago Doc and Mikè had been having a torrid affair when they both lived in Halifax. It was true love for them both (and because of this they were a boring couple so something had to be done to spice up the story line) but Alan had other plans. For he was in love with the fair Doc but she wouldn't even give him a second glance. Thus hatched his plot. He set about with the help of General Taylor. No one else knew of this plot because of course General Taylor is dead and he's gone.
Doc arrived at Mikè's apartment after a long day of work at Halifax Hospital only to find an empty jug of the old black rum strewn across the living room floor. She walked across to Mikè's bedroom and threw open the door. There she saw Mikè barenaked passed out on the bed with a mysterious woman next to him. She shreiked and ran from the apartment, out of the building and smack dab in to Alan, who just happened to be
walking on by. She tearfully told her story to Alan and he took her back to his hotel room to 'ahem' comfort her. He advised never to speak to Mikè again. After all, she had him now. The spent a gloriuos 1.5 days together but then Alan went out to pick up some fish sauce he said he needed to get to Sèan and she never saw him again until now.
Everyone in the hospital hallway gasped and her story and Brooke went over to Alan and slapped him in sympathy for Doc.
"Enough of this slapping already. I have a crime to solve!" cried Darrell Power, P.I.A.S.M.B.P. Darrell went back to Lukey's boat where he found an unusual shoe print. He quickly made a cast of it with the material he had in his Dick Tracy kit that he always carried in his bass case. Inspecting the print he knew of the one place in Petty Harbour that sold this unsual brand. He took the cast and ventured over to
Auntie Mary's Canaries and Shoe Store. It was closed but a light was on so he knocked at the door. The shop manager Nixie, (ta-da it's my cameo role in this soap. Only for this episode) opened the door with the greatest pleasure and let him in. They both shook hands (that was it. Strictly a shoe store manager nothing else here!) and got down to business. After examining the cast, Nixie said" why, as a matter a fact I just sold a pair of those shoes this week. Although a wonderful shoe, they aren't a popular item. It must be something about the laces."
"Who?" asked Darrell" Who bought these shoes?" Nixie went to check her records in the back while Darrell examined the soles of the boots in the shop. Suddenly a shot rang out and a scream was heard for the back room. He arrived ran out the back door just in time to see I saw some fella haul Nixie aboard as a volunteer. She was never heard from again............
But the records for the shoe store were still in the shop. Darrell Power, P.I.A.S.M.B.,esq found the bill of sale for the shoes. The name at the top was...........
Trace?," said Darrell Power, PIAMB, "but she's been cloistered up in that abandoned lighthouse with her whiteboards, non-permanent pen and that heroic fisheries officer from the get-go." In fact, she had been there for weeks religiously updating her flowcharts as to the goings on of Petty Harbour and playing Pictionary with the heroic fisheries officer - he was perplexed and was not able to answer the questions six,
even though she was basically drawing him a map. He was heroic (and looked dern fine in that green wool sweater with the epaulets), but he wasn't bright. She was getting frustrated and not a little annoyed. But that's another story.
But attached to the bill of sale was a clue - a great pile of Canadian Tire money in large bill denominations ($1's and $2's) clipped to the merchant receipt. "Hmmm, a clue," said our favourite PIAMB. He whipped open his Dick Tracy detective kit and removed the secret powder he had devised for precisely something like this, and began dusting it on the bills. It soon become clear that forgery and foul play were involved
(duh).
Mel, in the meantime, was on her way over to Alan because, frankly, her nerves were shot because Nixie was 'volunteered' by a guy wearing blue puttees, and would probably never be seen again. All of a sudden, Sean saunters into the fray. Mel took one look at him, and what he had in his hand, walked over and only tripping on her wedding dress twice, slapped his face. "Owwww," said Sean," I'm the fountain of affection and the instrument of joy. What'd you do that for?" "Because you've got that stupid sweater again!" fumed Mel. "Once you retire something, it's supposed to STAY retired. And speaking of instrument of joy, keep it to yourself, you boy, you boy."
All of a sudden, Alan shrieked "She's got seagulls in her eyes!" Four (or five, or six) women immediately rushed to his side and began elbowing each other out of the way so they could comfort him. "Who's got seagulls in her eyes?" asked Darrell, ever the consummate professional, thinking that had a pretty good hook to it. "Well, nobody. No one was paying attention to me, and I kept getting slapped." Barb, the non-nun and Caroline the leggy lawyer both leaned forward, bumping heads, cooing and stroking Alan's hair. "It's OK," he whispered bravely, "I get battered but I never bruise. It's not so bad."
Meanwhile, night fell swiftly. Also, it got really dark. Darrell rounded everybody up and herded them back to Jakey's Inn so they could gather their wits and drink up, because it would soon be well after 10.
When they got there, and after Mel had her usual quota of Mike's Hard Lemonade a la IV tube (she had a tough day), she turned to Sean, who was probably her husband and asked him why the heck he wasn't at the McCann homestead, because after all, his brother Mike was dead. "Mike?" he said. "Mike? I don't have a brother named Mike. My brothers are called Kevin and Glenn."
Dadadadadadadadada.
There was complete silence in the room, which was broken only when Alan began screaming "It's the end of the world and I DON'T feel fine!! Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!" over and over and over. Nurse Brooke immediately pulled out her cunningly hidden bullhorn and started yelling "Paging Dr. Bob! Paging Dr. Bob!" Who never showed up, because he was somewhere else. So Nurse Brooke and all the women who made him feel pulverized bundled him up and hied him off to the Petty Harbour General Hospital and Mental Problems Facility where, once he was given medication and slung into a straightjacket, he had a smile on his face and four (padded) walls around him. (Don't worry, he got out the next day. He just needed a little rest, what with all the strain of keeping everybody happy, and getting a concussion from being slapped around so much).
Back to Darrell, who had been mesmerized, peering at the Canadian Tire money with growing excitement for a really long time. "Just keep the faith!" he said to himself, then whirled around, cried "It's up to you if you sink or swim!" and pointed at ....
Dadadadadada. Who could Darrell be pointing at? Who WAS, in fact, the dead guy found by Snoopy Martin in Lukey's boat, the prettiest boat you've ever seen? Would Sean be able to keep the good times rollin'? Would he be able to keep the sweater? And where the heck is Dr. Bob? Would Alan ever again be able to utter the words "Have a dance! Have a dance!" when there were so many women around that he'd been *ahem* having a dance with, without going bonkers? Would the heroic fisheries officer be able to answer even ONE question out of six? For the answer to these questions and more, tune in tomorrow for . . . (doodley-doodley-doodley) As The Great Big Sea Tuuuuuurrrrrnnnnnnsssss!
SO we have Nixie on an excursion around the bay...which can't last long folks, cause as we all know, Darrell did try to rescue his poor wife in the song, so IRL (in the soap) he will try the same thing...perhaps once the boat gets near Harbour Grace he will board and try to save her (with cod liver oil?)
The hospital...Doc, after revealing this secret to the entire hospital and having Alan admitted to the psych ward, has a revealation...come on we're all bound to have one...she realizes just how much she loves Alan, and begins to get jealous over all the attention the hoary one is receiving from all these women. Séan at this point is also ticked with Alan because Alan has managed to deflect all this slapping attention
onto him (he's being thwacked repeatedly any time he opens that wonderful mouth of his and he doesn't know why!)...Séan and doc commiserate over drinks at Jakey's (before heading to Hinks Clinks where they meet up with Ang who is also mad at Alan...hey, today...everyone is mad at Alan!) SO these three put their heads together to come up with a plan to get back at Alan for all the misery he is causing them. They are making something out of nothing, I know, but hey, it is plot development folks. Meanwhile, Alan is just buying time in the padded palace, cause he knows he isn't crazy...but he does recognize he's got problems and problems and problems (namely, Barbara Brooke and every other woman in Petty Harbour...perhaps he needs to return to London to try to find that cute Teddy Bear saleswoman he bumped into on the Brown Line when he was there last week before Paddy Murphy was killed?!)
At Jakey's Inn...Darrell and Mandy have gathered everyone together to start making up a schedule of interviews. Darrell so admires Mandy's organizational skills, not to mention her beautiful eyes and lily white hands...and the way she raises her arm above her breasts (you know, to get everyone's attention!)
Herself and Brian have exuented upstairs, cause frankly, they have been holed up in Brian's apartment for two weeks now with nothing but bongos and half eaten Mary Brown's to keep them occupied outside of bed :) (I have to say, I personally kill myself laughing everytime I read or refer to the chicken thing...that is bloody genius to me!) As this perfectly happy and only slightley threatened (by Donna, who is starting to get increasingly repulsed by Ryan and his greasy fingers)couple leave the
pub, they bump into da da da dum...Nick (from 98 degrees) ah ah a kidding (I totally think he is hot)...but no, they bump into Adam. Adam has just arrived via the SS McEldoo, captained by none other than Captain Wedderburn himself, and he has rushed to Jakey's to see everyone, namely Melanie, who has just attached herself to the IV for a
little Mike's infusion (Mike's not Miké's). Despite the fact she is still in full wedding garb after a few days since the wedding, she looks fabulous and Adam's jaw drops while he says "I forgot how gorgeous you were...but only briefly did I forget this...I have been really busy lately...You look wonderful Melanie..." Melanie, while receiving this compliment with a grain of insult (since he forgot her and he always
said he wouldn't) is very flattered, and excited because Adam has arrived in his tuxedo (can you say CONVENIENT?!)...what happens next is just wonderful and romantic... or is it? After all Séan, Ang and doc are all at Hinks Clinks plotting revenge on Alan, which is bound to ruin any happiness for Melanie...Alan ruins everything for Melanie :) That is why she enjoys slapping him so much...
As Melanie is the center of Adam's attention and they are getting happier and happier and have desired one another for so long, they decide to go for a romantic walk down by the pier. Darrell excuses them and they promise to return to be interviewed by the PIASMB in a few hours. Lukey on the other hand, does not say anything to Darrell and he follows Melanie and Adam out of Jakey's...he mutters something under his breath "Ten split peas in a ten pound tub..." What does this mean?
Barbara and Brooke are playing pool in the corner, both trying to get over the shock of Alan and doc's affair. They are still not friends, but hey, Brooke is the only girl in the bar who can handle a cue, and Barbara is bored. Not to mention, drunk.
Darrell starts to interview Mandy, cause frankly, he would rather talk to her than anyone else. Mandy tells Darrell what she saw that day, which he already knows, but he wants to make this last. As she speaks he stops hearing her words and instead hears "Dream Weaver" played over and over again...and notices an aura around Mandy. He is snapped quickly out of this montage as Dr Bob comes roaring in the door screaming "Who here is paging me?! Didn't you know I had an emergency face lift to attend in Florida...darn blisters in the sun!" His face is red, he is fuming, but he is in sunglasses and shorts, which is enough to cause Mich to run over to him and grab him by the shoulders and dip him...enjoying a ravenous kiss in the process. Dr Bob is more than a little taken aback,because Mich has never been known to show affection like this in public...just the other night she told him "I'm moving as Fast as I can" and he figured it would be four score and many a fortnight before he would be able to lay her nice and easy and roll her over next to the wall. Dr Bob shrugs.."Oh well, it's
all good" he thinks to himself. Meanwhile Katie, who has been sitting quietly with Billy Peddle (who, by the way has NOT seen Tom White since Tom enjoyed his night of passion with Katie) and Mrs White (Tom's mom, who has seen Tom since then and frankly, he does not look any better for having rolled with Katie-Mac). Katie, who is at the end of her rope, grabs Mich by the back of the head, tosses her aside, and throws herself on Dr Bob, whose sexiness she can no longer resist. Silence falls upon the room, that is until Brian starts playing with his bongos, at which point everyone yells "BRIAN SHUT UP". Has Katie fallen in love with Dr Bob or is it just her hormones, since she is with child?
Trace and her seaman (!) are enjoying solitude on her rock, but Trace is disturbed by her nonsensical charts and decides she must venture across the harbour to talk to Darrell PIASMB. The Ferryland Sealers stop by on their way back in from thwacking all those seals and enjoying their grog and dram...they even let her steer part of the way over...
Kévin and Glénn wander over to Petty Harbour General to visit Alan in his rubber paradise and are more than a little confused as to why everyone keeps asking them about a Miké...perhaps Séan can explain all this.
Meanwhile, at Gull Island International Hockey Center, the janitor notices Séan's sweater is missing (not to mention, what is with all these holes in these seats?) and someone has left behind a pair of size 11 skates...custom made skates, not all ordinary, in fact very un-ordinary...sort of a shoe latched on to blades. Now who would have left such a fine pair of skates behind, and why is that sweater gone? And why isn't the janitor at Jakey's, drunk like everyone else in this god forsaken town?
At the Morton's Harbour Canadian Tire, the manager, Rowan, has just discovered the safe was broken into and *gasp* thousands of dollars of Canadian Tire money have been stolen...not to mention, a whole row of torcheire lamps, and hockey sticks sans blades, are gone!
She calls Darrell Power PIASMB to report in.
This is getting ridiculously long and unfu-fu-funny but bear with me on one more point...
A drunken sailor, on board with the Ferryland Sealers, arrives into town seeking medical attention for nasty cut to his belly. He heads to Petty Harbour General where he meets up with Nurse Caity who started her shift earl-eye this morning. What noone knows about this new stranger is that he was part of Paddy Murphy's old black rum smuggling ring...why is he in town?
da da da dum...
As Mèlaniè(she did marry into the family) and Adam are walking along the pier, Liza and Sally Brown come screeching up the beach. Liza starts screaming about how she wanted to get out of there fast but running on the beach felt like she was up to her knees in gravel. Darrell, PIASMB, hearing the noise comes out of Jakey's to investigate. Sally, being a bit calmer than Lizer, tells Mèl and Adam that they had just seen a horrendous site. It seems the two ladies were walking on the beach, looking for Tom White, when they came accross what looked like a log washed up on the shore. Upon closer inspection they realized it was a body wrapped up in a Union Jack! by now a crowd has gathered and is getting antsy. Rowan who has wandered over from Canadian Tire, tells them all "there is nothingn to see here. Please go about your business. Nothing to see here. Diperse." Darrell,PIAMB, realizes that Rowan must
have experince in law enforcement/security and asks her to help. Together, they go down to the flag and unwrap it. The body in the flag is none other than...
(DA DANT DAAAAAAAAA)
Nixie, humble shoe shop manager! "OH ME OH MY!" cries Darrell,PIAMB, "She must have died from seasickness!"
"Wait! Not so fast!" admonishes Rowan," Look at that...... there is a bullet hole on the body. Right there! And another one! and a third."
They turn the body over only to discover 23 stab wounds, poison (the dick tracy kit has a poison finder too),48 bullet holes, a rope around the neck, a candlestick, and a lead pipe.
"A clue!" yells Darrell
(It should be noted her that the actress playing Nixie was in the mist of contract negotiations that fell apart because she wanted too much money. After a particularly nasty mediation with the producers and writers she walked off the set. They had no choice but to kill her character off)
Mèl screams " Look! A mysterious figure running the other way down the beach." She screams again and starts to faint. Darrell walks over to her and slaps her. " get a hold of yourself!" he says. " I need to solve this crime and I don't need any screaming dames around!"
Lukey having just arrived at the scene (he has a tendancy to wander) takes a look at the body which has been being covered with sand from the waves, and yells," My wife is dead! And she's underground!"
"AHA" the crowd yells back. Someone says something about needing a latte too.
Darrell, PIAMB, begins questioning Lukey. It seems no one knew of Nixie and Lukey's marriage. Lukey mutters something about it being a secret that only Alan and Tom White knew about.
Darrell asks of the crowd. " Have you seen Tom White?"
But apparently no one has........ or no one is saying..............
Dum dump dum.......
So" Darrell Power, PIAMB questions Lukey " Only you,Nixie,Tom White and Alan knew of your marriage?"
"Alan?" replies Lukey"Did I say Alan knew of me marriage? Oh geez I'se been getting on in years and getting forgetful, me b'y. I meant to say that doctor fellow? What be he called again?"
"You mean Dr Bob?" Adam asked. Lukey confirmed that.
No one knew why Nixie had never mentioned her marriage before her untimely death. Perhaps it was blackmail? Or true love? An arranged marraige? Or something more? These are the question that Darrell must investigate.
As Doc shows up to examine the corpse, evey retires once again back to Jakey's for icons and shine. Except for Darrell...........
After a few rounds of song and Mike's (I have to try one of those sometime!) Darrell bursts in the door.
"I figured it out!" he exclaims.
Everyone is sure he means the murders and who has done it and so much screaming fainting and slapping ensues.
"NO! NO! NO!" says Darrell, slapping Katie for good measure. " I mean I have figured out why Dr Bob is supposedly unhappy with his pyschiatric job. Haven't any of you every noticed that Dr Bob never uses his last name? Or wondered why Brooke in one of her many personalities talks of cloning? Or why there is the mystery of who Mikè really was?"
Everyone looks at each other and "no not really" is heard many times.
Darrell screams in frustration, " WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??!?!?!?!"
Mich goes over to him and slaps him!
"Get on with it!"she demands.
Darrell says "Ow!! (pause) But I have found who Dr Bob really is! He is really Dr Bob Halletenstein!"
"That's HalletenSTEEEN" cries a voice from the back of the crowd(who happens to be a Young Frankenstein fan).
"whatever" says Darrell." He is not the mild mannered pysch doctor that he protrays him self to be. Why I have proof that in his castle in Kilbride, he has been preforming cloning experiments!"
With this Mich faints, Mèlaniè screams and Brian gets slapped.
No one has noticed Dr Bob Halletenstein slip out the back door of Jakey's!
And no one knows where Tom White has gone!
DA DAT DAAAAAAA
Meanwhile at Hinks Clinks......
Sister Ardra has been thinking and realizes that her convent has lost 2 nuns already and Father Whats-his-name has gone missing and has been seen driving strange men (Séan) around and no one really knew what was going on . . . she finds her self very confused and frankly not wanting to hang around being a nun while everyone else had fun. So she escaped the convent through secret tunnels (yes, now there are secret tunnels) leading to Jakey's Inn (for some reason) led by a dark stranger known only as "Caity" (okay, strange name for a dark stranger, but "X" and "Marita" are taken, and Caity can be a dark stranger if she tries). Ardra staggers into the Inn through a secret wall door thing, surprising everyone. Exhausted from her journey, Ardra collapses into the loving arms of . . . .?
When we pick up the story again, we find that Darrell and NorthernNurse have been working feverishly for the past few weeks trying to discover the identity of Mike McCann’s murderer, as well as the murderer of a few other locals, such as local-shoe-store-owner Nixie and Pat Murphy. They thought that solving Mike’s murder would be a lot easier than solving Pat Murphy’s or Nixie’s, but it turns out that most of the
suspects were at a huge post-wedding shindig at Sundance Saloon that night. No one is really sure who was there because of the large quantities of old black rum circulating.
Finally, Darrell just calls everyone together at Petty Harbour General to reveal what he’s discovered. (The gathering is at Petty Harbour General because Dr. Bob and
Nurse Brooke, who got tired of being a nun and returned to nursing, were both on
duty.)
“I’ve called you here because I’ve discovered who murdered Mike McCann,” Darrell begins. Everyone gasps. They can’t believe that Darrell has solved this murder so
soon. That whole night was so foggy for most people because of the huge post-wedding
shindig at Sundance Saloon during which most people imbibed large amount of old black
rum (except for Mel who hooked herself (not the Elf) up to the Mike’s Hard Lemonade
I.V.).
After allowing a moment for people to absorb the gravity of what he was about to
reveal, Darrell continues. “We can say with absolute certainty that the murderer was not Mel because she was hooked to the IV all night and passed out before midnight.
Furthermore, Adam attests to bringing ‘her drunken ass’ home and ‘putting her to bed’
and we all know what a trust-worthy guy he is.”
Adam turns to Mel and throws his arms around her. “I told you! I always knew you were innocent... Of the murder at least,” he finishes with a mischievous grin.
“Of course you knew I was innocent,” she retorts. “You were my alibi!”
“Oh yeah,” he answers.
Here NorthernNurse picks up the explanation. “There was some speculation about
Angela being the murderer, but with Mike around, that meant less competition for Sean.
There was no motive there. With Mike alive, some less observant women might mistake
him for Sean, as often happened. It was unfortunate that shortly after the murder the
untimely death of Angela’s rich second cousin thrice-removed on her dad’s side called her back to Texas to arrange all the affairs of that rather large estate.”
“Another main suspect was Alan,” continues Darrell, “but again, we found very little motive for him to do so, besides the fact that at the time he was on his way to England on business.”
“In fact,” NorthernNurse proceeds, “we only found one person with real motivation.”
“The murderer was Donna!” interrupts Darrell. Everyone turns towards Donna in shock and horror, except NorthernNurse who punches Darrell rather maliciously in the arm
for stealing her thunder.
“Oh Donna!” exclaims Ryan. “How could you?”
“I had every reason to want to kill Mike,” hisses Donna. “For so many episodes, Melanie had forced me to stay with you, Ryan. And nobody knew what you put me through.” She turns to the rest of the crowd. “All I ever wanted was Dr. Bob, even if he is evil... or maybe Alan, even if he is a floozy. But no, I’m stuck with that goober Ryan. I guess what I wish for won’t came true...”
“You aren’t surprised, love, are you?” interrupts Ryan.
She glares at him, then resumes her rant. “No one ever knew what he did to me.
Until Melanie put us together I was fine.” She begins to sob. “He came with his chicken. And it was so good. For a while, he let me have it for free. And then he
told me I was eating too much and I’d have to start paying for it. But what could I do? My chicken addiction had just caused me to lose my job. So I started working the
street. That’s right, I sell pencils to school children!” She looks defiantly at everyone through teary eyes. “I’m not ashamed of what I am. But I loathe this man,” she points at Ryan, “because he forced me to be this way. After he made me start paying for my $50-a-day chicken habit, he took over my pencil-pushing job too. He got me addicted and then he became my pimp for the one thing I could do to support my habit.” She breaks down completely and can speak no more.
Father Fred approaches her and puts his arm around her. “There, there, my child,”
he says gently. “All will be well.” He signals to Darrell who moves toward her.
Suddenly Donna lifts her head from Fr. Fred’s shoulder. “Yes I had every reason to kill Mike McCann. I freely admit that I wanted to hurt Melanie. But I’m not a
murderer. I may be a Mary Brown’s chicken addict, and I may sell pencils to innocent
school children, but I would never kill anyone!”
“Oh yeah?” says Darrell. “Then who did it?” Donna shakes her head and shrugs helplessly. “That’s what I thought,” he continues. “Book ‘er, Dan-o!”
Danny approaches and puts handcuffs on her. Donna silently begs him to help her.
“Sorry, lady,” he says. “A roadie’s gotta do what a roadie’s gotta do.” He leads her out to the police car.
The crowd loses its numbness and begins to talk about what happened. From over the din, everyone can hear Brian say, “Hey Sean! How ‘bout that battle of the beats now?” The crowd answers in unison, “SHUT UP, BRIAN!” But Sean hushes them and says, “All right, conguero. If you think you’re man enough to take on the sexiest bodhran player in Canada. Tonight. 8:00. Petty Harbour Community Hall.”
“You’re on, bodhran-boy,” Brian sneers. “C’mon, Elf, let’s go practice.... Elf?”
While all this had been going on, no one had noticed Alan quietly motion for Elf to
leave with him. He needed to talk to her about something that required privacy. While Brian and Sean were bandying insults, Elf and Alan had slipped outside to the psych ward’s garden where they could be alone.
“I’ve missed you, Elf... or should I call you Miss Brown?” he says with a grin.
“You didn’t seem to miss me all that much,” retorts Elf. “I hear you’ve been pretty
*ahem* busy with a few nuns... And just about every other woman in Petty Harbour and
beyond.”
Alan’s face darkens. “Well, you didn’t seem to wait too long for me either!”
“Brian has never once deserted me. In fact, he’s barely looked at another woman since we’ve been together. I think he’s the absolute one for me,” she sighed, a little
vengefully. She never asked for Alan to come back into her life, but now that he’s
approaching her, she feels torn.
“Darling, can’t we forget all that’s happened and go back to where we left off in your father’s store?” he pleads, cupping her chin and forcing her eyes to meet his. She looks into his amazingly sexy eyes and feels the full force of their attraction. Her eyes travel to his lips, and she remembers everything that they had been. Without a word, she throws her arms around him and kisses him. Her hands travel from his back
to his silky thick shafts (of hoar, ladies!)... There’s something odd about his hoar...
She pulls away.
“What’s the matter, my sweet?” Alan asks, noticing the puzzled and wary look on her face.
“Your hoa - I mean, hair... There’s something wrong with it,” she answers.
“What do you mean?” he replies, a trifle defensively.
“Well... There appears to be 7 shafts less than usual... Is there something I should
know?” she asks suspiciously.
“But I planned it perfectly! How could there be this flaw?” he growls. He begins
pacing angrily.
“Alan, what are you talking about? Stand still. You’re scaring me...”
He glares at her. “Quit calling me Alan! I’m not Alan! I am Dr. Bob!” he exclaims removing his Alan mask.
She shrieks. “You fiend!”
He laughs proudly. “Yes, I suppose I am.” He shakes his head as if to clear it. “But that isn’t the point. The point is I’ve been masquerading as Alan for the past few
months. The real Alan in still in England with Teddy... Has been all along.”
“So you’re the one who’s been seducing all the nuns?” she asks incredulously.
“Well, look who just caught up!” he sneers.
“But why? Why have you done all this? And if you’re Dr. Bob, then who’s in the
hospital right now?”
“That is my illegitimate identical twin brother, Corky, who was mentioned in one of
the very early episodes and then forgotten about. He’s a little slow on the uptake, but no one’s noticed so far... Except Mike McCann, then Nixie, then Pat Murphy... But fortunately, they aren’t a problem anymore,” he grins evilly.
“So then you...”
“Yes, I’se the b’y. I murdered all of them!” he admits. “And now that you know, I’ll have to kill you too!” He advances menacingly, then thinks the better of himself. "But not here, there’s too many people who could catch us.” He grabs her arm and begins to lead her out of the garden.
“Wait, before we go, I need to ask one last thing... Did you steal Sean’s retired
sweater from the arena?” she asks.
“No,” he replies. “That one’s as much a mystery to me as anyone. Now quit stalling. I want to get out of here before anyone sees us or notices you’re gone.” He drags
her out of the garden.
So the evil Dr. Bob had confessed all this thinking that the garden would be secluded, or at least only crazy people, whom no one would ever believe, would have walked in. But unbeknownst to him, the ferns were in-habit-ed. As soon as the evil Dr. Bob has dragged the struggling Elf, three bewimpled heads pop out of the ferns.
“Did you hear that?” asks Sister Barbara, who had really only sneaked up in time to
hear Dr. Bob say he murdered all of them and see him drag Elf away. Sisters Caity and
Ardra nodded in unison. “We must tell Fr. Fred!”
They run off in search of the good Father, but his red VW is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, they remember that the evil Dr. Bob has quite literally screwed them over too. The angry pack of soon-to-be-ex-nuns takes off in search of Dr. Bob. After about 2 hours of searching, they realise that they only had the first clue about where to
begin, but after that, they had nothing.
“Wait a minute!” exclaims Sister Caity. “There’s only one person who would know where Dr. Bob would go...”
So the angry pack high-tail it over to Mich’s place, where they find... Dr. Bob? Immediately they leap on him. Barbara grabs his arms and pins him with almost superhuman strength.
“Where is she, you fiend?” snarls Sister Ardra.
“Where is who?” whimpers the amazed Dr. Bob.
“We know you have her,” says Sister Caity, glaring. “Time brings all things to an
end, Dr. Bob... Now tell us what you’ve done with her!”
Bob looks helplessly at Mich. “Do you know what they’re talking about?”
“Look,” Mich says, “I’ve been with him since he got off-shift at the hospital, about
5 minutes after the end of Darrell’s big announcement.”
“You were with him the whole time?” asks Barbara, dubiously. Mich nods. “And he didn’t have anyone else with him?” Mich nods again. Babs lets Bob go. “Well, I’m
confused. If you didn’t kidnap Elf, it was someone who looked a lot like you.”
Suddenly, Bob’s eyes widen and his hand flies to his mouth. “No, it can’t be!”
“What?” ask the four ladies.
“I was sure he was locked up forever! There was no way he could have escaped! We have to get to Nurse Brooke!” exclaims Bob. “Come with me. She’s still on duty for
another 5 minutes. We can catch her if we hurry.”
They manage to make to the hospital just as Brooke is hanging up her nurse hat. She is surprised to see all her ex-convent-mates (if that’s a word), but more surprised to
see Dr. Bob who went off duty over two hours ago.
“Brooke! What’s the worst thing you can think of happening?” Bob asks frantically.
“Oh my gawn! Alan shaved his head!” she screams.
Bob sighs. “Okay, what’s the second worst thing you can think of happening?”
Brooke’s eyes widened. “The band split up? But why?”
“Oh for the love of - no, the band is still together. Corky escaped!” he blurts.
“Not --” she gasps.
“Yes, my illegitimate identical twin brother, who was so evil from birth that we had
to keep him locked away in a dank, dark cellar so he couldn’t do any harm. I wonder why he would have escaped...”
“Um, it wouldn’t have been because he’s been locked in a cellar for 30 years?” pipes up Barbara dryly.
“Sh!” replies Bob. “I’m thinking.” Barbara exchanges annoyed glances with the
other nuns and Brooke.
While all this is going on, things are starting to heat up at the Petty Harbour
Community Hall. Okay, they aren’t really heating up. Sean’s having a hard time
practicing because the Ringette Team keeps pestering him to return to coaching.
“Please, Sean?” begs Dr. T. “You know we can’t win the Twillingate Cup without your help.”
“Look,” says Sean, a trifle peevishly. “The sweater is retired and so am I. Find me
the sweater and I’ll think about coming out of retirement. Now would you please leave me alone? I have to get ready for this contest.” He grasps his tipper and begins banging his bodhran. (Just when you thought there weren’t gonna be any more double
entendres! *L*)
On the other side of the hall, Brian sits, half-heartedly tapping his bongos. Adam
and Mel try to console him. It appears that Isa had seen Alan and Elf slip away from the hospital together and was none too happy about it. So she had informed Brian of the faithlessness of his beloved Elf-woman then sneaked off to find that no-good floozy Alan. But now, in the Community Hall, the long-awaited Battle of the Beats is
about to take place and the keeper of Brian’s rhythm has run off with a whore-y -- oops! I mean, hoary bouzouki player.
“Man, Elf was what kept my beat alive, you know? I can’t play if she’s not here!”
cries Brian dejectedly.
Adam and Mel exchange worried glances. On the surface, they both appear to have genuine concern for Brian. But underneath Adam really just wants Sean to lose because he’s a rival for the fair Melanie. He is unaware that Melanie has a sort of soft spot
for losers (*look of shock* luv ya, Mel! *grin*), and it would be better for him if Sean were to win. Melanie is torn because she sorta wants Sean to win because, well, she’s never been able to forget that night of the duel when they were together... It was a very special night. She still smiles dreamily when people mention fish sauce.
On the other hand, Adam wanted Brian to win and Adam had been a lot more faithful to her than Sean ever was. Well, since Brooke left the picture anyway. Besides, since
Sean’s sweater went missing, he’s been kind of a drag to be around. But no matter how both of them feel, they want this to be a good competition. They have to find Elf and fast if anything’s going to happen. And they know there’s only one man who can help them...
Down at the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary, Darrell and Danny are really grilling Donna. Fortunately for her, Caroline, the leggy lawyer, is there to represent her.
“What is rounder than a ring?” taunts Darrell. “What is higher than the trees? What is worse than a woman’s curse? What is deeper than the seas?”
“Yeah,” continues Danny. “Which bird sings first? Which one best? Where does the dew first fall?”
“I don’t know! I just don’t know!” cries the confuzzled Donna. “And I don’t see how this has anything to do with Mike’s murder...”
“Just answer the questions!” barks Danny. “All right, I’m gonna ask you one more time... What do you do with a drunken sailor ear-li in the morning?”
“You don’t have to answer that, Donna!” interrupts Caroline finally. “That’s enough, you guys. You’ve been asking her the same screwed up questions for over 4 hours now. I think the prisoner has rights.” Donna smiles gratefully at Caroline. Caroline
returns the smile. “I’d like to talk to my client privately if you don’t mind, boys.”
Darrell and Danny nod. As they leave, Danny winks at Caroline. She shoots him a
mocking glare, and the door closes behind him.
“I believe you’re innocent, Donna,” begins Caroline.
“You do? Then you won’t make me go back to that - that good-for-nothing, chicken-pushing pimp?” Donna whimpers hopefully.
“No, I can guarantee you that. Now let’s see what we can do to get you out of this
hell-hole...”
Meanwhile, somewhere over the Atlantic, the plane carrying Alan Doyle and his English lass speeds towards Newfoundland. Alan, never having been one to like sitting still
for long, is having fun (but not *ahem* fun) with the passenger to his left (Teddy being to his right and asleep for most of the flight).
“So you say you’ve never been to tropical isle of Newfoundland? Well, being as it’s an island we have some very strange animals. Have you ever heard of salt-water
rabbits?” he begins.
“Nooo...” replies his neighbour dubiously. “They don’t mention them at all in the
pamphlet I picked up...”
“Oh well, that’s because they’re our best kept secret. They don’t tell people because they’re an endangered species. I mean, if word got out that Newfoundland had four to four-and-a-half foot rabbits, there’d be poachers all over the place!” Alan exclaims.
“Four foot rabbits? You’re pulling my leg,” his neighbour laughs. “What do they eat? Three foot tall carrots?”
Alan rolls his eyes contemptuously. “Now that’s just ridiculous. Salt-water rabbits
are carnivorous.”
“Oh really?” retorts his neighbour, still in disbelief. “What exactly do they eat?”
“Wild bolognas,” replies Alan without batting an eye.
“Wild bolognas?” asks his neighbour.
“Yeah, have you ever seen those packages of bologna meat in the store?” Alan asks.
“Oh yeah, I suppose I have,” answers his neighbour thoughtfully.
“Where do you think they get the meat from?”
His neighbour thinks about this for a moment more. “I suppose that makes sense... so do you think I’ll see one of these salt-water rabbit things while I’m there?”
“Maybe,” says Alan. “I was born there, and I didn’t see my first salt-water rabbit
until I was 14... And then only for a second. They’re very elusive. But I’d hate to meet one without my trusty vorple sword.”
“Vorple sword? I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of those...”
“Another thing exclusive to Newfoundland. It’s the only thing that can kill a salt-water rabbit...” continues Alan.
At this point, the captain comes over the intercom to announce that they are beginning their descent into St. John’s airport. Alan’s neighbour thanks him for all the advice, and Alan wakes up Teddy so she can see the Rock as they land. He provides a
running commentary of what’s happening.
“If we were a little higher up, you would be able to see that there really isn’t that
much ocean between Boston and St. John’s...” Alan says.
They land safely and are welcomed by the Petty Harbour Ringette Team. The team’s search for Sean’s sweater had somehow led them to the St. John’s airport, coincidentally at the same time as Alan and Teddy’s plane landed. Fortunately, the airport is small and they are able to meet at the only luggage claim place there is. (Thanks to Donna for that info *s*.)
Back in jolly old Petty Harbour, the remaining members of the Hallettenstein Freak Brigade, Trish and Katie, are gathered at the local Canadian Tire, conversing with Rowan the manager. They have chosen this as the meeting place to plot their revenge on Dr. Bob, who made them this way. They had figured after Brian crashed their last
meeting place that they’d better choose a new one. They are concerned about Elf and
Caroline. Both of them are over an hour late, which is completely unlike the punctual lawyer and expeditious elf. They decide to start the meeting without them.
“So, Trish, how are we gonna get that no-good Dr. Bob?” asks Katie.
“Well, Kate... I’m not exactly sure,” begins Trish. “But the idea to get the Jolly
Roving Tar Boys to help us was a little off the mark. Look at all the trouble they created last time. There’s a new gang I’ve heard of that’s really pissed off at the moment... Though it’s more at Alan than Bob... But I have a feeling they’ll be more
than willing to help us get revenge.” She grins evilly.
“Okay, so are you gonna tell me who they are?” asks Katie impatiently.
“A small, but very angry, pack of roving nuns whom Alan quite literally screwed over recently,” Trish answers.
“And you think they’d be willing to help?” queries Katie.
“Why don’t you ask them?” comes a voice from behind them. It was Sister Barbara! Trish and Katie had been so thick in plotting that they hadn’t heard the door chimes heralding the entrance of said angry pack. Trish and Katie gasp.
“We’d love to help,” answers Caity. “But it isn’t Alan we’re after anymore. I have
a feeling you’re after the same person we are...”
“What do you mean?” says Trish.
“Well,” begins Dr. Bob, who has just arrived on the scene. He can get no further
because Katie flies at him viciously.
“It’s your fault I’m old and haggy!” she screams. Barbara, Caity, and Ardra drag
her off him.
“You’ve got the wrong guy, Katie,” says Ardra. “Dr. Bob has never been a plastic
surgeon.” Katie looks at him in disbelief.
Dr. Bob nods. “It’s true. The man you’re looking for is actually my illegitimate
identical twin brother, Corky, who has been locked up in a cellar for the past 30 years. Apparently he took to performing illegal plastic surgeries on rats to alleviate the boredom.”
“He’s also been masquerading as Alan and has quite literally screwed all of us nuns
over, as well as Nurse Brooke,” adds Barbara.
“Then there isn’t a moment to lose,” says Trish. “We must get to the RNC and tell
Mr. Power...”
When Mel and Adam arrive breathlessly at the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary, Darrell and Danny are still discussing what come of Donna’s questioning.
“Whaddya do?” Darrell says to Danny, “You can’t make nothing out of nothing... Everybody needs a start... What’s the matter with these two?”
“YouvegottahelpusfindElforelsethebattleofthebeatwonttakeplace!” exclaims Adam frantically. Darrell just looks at him blankly.
Mel rolls her eyes and sighs. “Elf has gone missing and it appears Brian’s rhythm
went with her.”
“So you’re saying Elf stole Brian’s rhythm?” cries Danny.
Darrell shoots him a look. “It’s a good thing I don’t pay you to think.” He turns to
Mel and Adam. “About when did she go missing?”
“Shortly after you finished your announcement, but before Brian challenged Sean, Isa saw Elf and Alan leave together,” says Mel.
“But that’s impossible,” replies Darrell. “Alan has been in England this whole time.
His flight was just scheduled to arrive this evening.”
Quite by coincidence, Alan, his English lass, and the Ringette Team all arrive at this
point. “Hello there!” calls Alan. “I made it home and look who I brought with me!”
Also quite by coincidence, Isa happens by at this moment. She sees Alan, and her
face clouds over. Without a word she marches up to him and punches him in the gut,
really hard. Alan doubles over in pain.
“So I meant nothing to you!” she storms. “You’ve been sneaking around with other women!”
“Lady,” he gasps, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She belts him again.
“Don’t lie to me! I saw you sneak off with Elf after Darrell’s announcement this
afternoon... Not to mention all the rumours that are flying around about you quite literally screwing over some nuns.” Suddenly Isa notices Teddy. “And who’s this?
Your latest conquest?”
“I told you,” Alan answers, still gasping, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I
only arrived here from England about an hour ago. And I’ve been with the Ringette Team the whole time... What was Darrell’s announcement?”
“Just that I discovered that Donna was the murderer,” says Darrell proudly.
“But that’s impossible,” replies Alan. “Donna was at the airport that night. She
tried to sell me some books before my flight left. I bet there are 30 people who could tell you that she was there. That’s what she does every Friday night.”
Darrell’s eyes widen. “You mean I was wrong?”
“It would seem so,” replies Caroline, who appears suddenly with Donna. “Donna just told me where she was that night.”
“Why didn’t you tell us before?” asks Darrell.
“Because you asked ‘what do you do with a drunken sailor ear-li in the morning?’ I couldn’t bloody well say ‘Sell books to him at the airport.’ That’d be mixing songs,”
Donna retorts.
As Darrell is apologising profusely to Donna and filling out forms for her release,
the remaining members of the Hallettenstein Freak Brigade, Nurse Brooke, the angry pack of nuns, Mich and Bob arrive, and NorthernNurse comes out of her office (so
in case it isn’t quite clear or I’ve missed mentioning someone, the entire cast is
assembled at the RNC, minus Elf and Corky, who are places unknown, and Sean and Brian, who are still at the Petty Harbour Community Hall).
“You must release Donna!” exclaims Dr. Bob importantly.
Everyone turns and looks at him. “Yeah,” Alan says, “I just told him where she actually was the night of the murder. She’s in the process of being released.”
“Oh.” Bob looks a little dismayed, then brightens as he realises who stole his thunder. “ALAN! I’m so glad you’re back! I haven’t seen you in a long time...”
“Well, not since I’ve been gone,” Alan laughs. “May I introduce my English lass,
Teddy aka Wilomena?”
“Aka... That’s a strange middle name,” muses spinne to the rest of the Ringette
Team.
“Nice to meet you, Teddy,” says Bob, extending his hand. Teddy feels strangely
attracted to this man... Almost as if he has a magnetic pull that she is helpless to resist... Before anything can happen, though, Bob remembers why he’s here.
“Darrell, what’s the worst thing you can think of happening?” Bob asks.
“The toilet in Cell 4 overflowed again!” groans Darrell.
Bob sighs. “Okay, what’s the second worst thing you can think of happening?”
“Someone let Sean near the electric shears again? Man, I thought we were gonna
make sure we didn’t have to look at the ever again!”
Bob throws up his hands in exasperation. “Oh for the love of - NO! Corky’s escaped! Not only that, he’s been masquerading as Alan and has kidnapped Elf!”
The entire room gasps and a hush falls over the crowd. Finally, Darrell breaks it. “Do you have any idea where he would have taken her?”
“There’s only one place they could be so well concealed... Follow me!” cries Bob. He grabs Teddy’s arm and leads the charge out the door, leaving a bewildered Alan.
“He stole my English lass!” cries Alan.
Donna comes up beside him. “Hey, thanks for rescuing me,” she smiles.
“Any time,” he grins back. “You’ve been through a lot... Is there anything else I can do?”
“Well...” she smiles suggestively, running her hands over his hoar. He leans in closer. Bob pokes his head back in the door and tells them to hurry along. They sigh and follow after everyone.
The entire assemblage clamours past the community hall where Sean and Brian are still holed up. Brian is still mourning his lost beat and Sean is still beating his bodhran, tipper in hand. They hear the crowd and peek out the door to see what’s going on. Hap tells them that they’re on their way to find Elf and do something bad to Corky.
Sean and Brian look at each other. “Who’s Corky?” says Sean. No one answers so they decide to follow the others. Besides, Brian knows they’re heading towards the keeper of his beat... He can almost feel his rhythm returning...
Bob leads everyone to the back of Jakey’s Inn. “This is the only place Corky could have taken her,” he tells them, as he opens a secret door leading to a damp, dark cellar. “This is where Corky was kept all those years. And only Darrell, Alan, Nurse Brooke and I knew about him.”
They all troop down the stairs, carrying really big, bright flashlights. When they reach the end of the staircase, they realise that this really isn’t such a dark place.... In fact, it looks more like a modern-day laboratory than a damp, dark cellar. They stop.
“Come in,” says a sinister voice from behind a Bunsen burner. “We’ve been expecting you...”
“You, sir, are under arrest,” commands Darrell.
“Oh come now, Mr. Power,” grins Corky evilly, “do you really expect me to go without a fight? Look! There is your little Elf...” He points to a couch with big fluffy cushions, where Elf sits with a box of high quality chocolate and a glass of fine white wine.
“Oh, hi guys!” she says cheerily. “What are you doing here?”
“You’ve brain-washed her!” exclaims Brian. Elf puts a finger to her lips as a motion for him to be quiet and winks.
Nurse Brooke came forward. “Corky, why did you do this?”
“I thought that was obvious. I was locked in here for 30 freakin’ years!” he bellows. “I got a little bored. So I blew the lock and brought the members of the Hallettenstein Freak Brigade (only they weren’t the HFB before I got a hold of them) one by one and altered them to be the lovable freaks they are today.”
“No, I meant why did you do this color scheme?” asks Nurse Brooke. “It’s so cold and sterile...”
“I would like to know why you kidnapped Elf, and not someone closer to Dr. Bob,” interjects Darrell.
“I thought that was obvious too. She’s the writhoar in residence. I was more upset about getting only one tiny mention in an early episode than I was about being locked up for years. I’m damn interesting! So I kidnapped her under the guise of being Alan. Once she heard why, she promised to write me a more interesting part in exchange for good wine and chocolates.”
“But you did kill Mike, Nixie and Paddy, and ruin Alan’s good reputation, and surgically alter the HFB?” asks NorthernNurse.
“Oh well, yes I did do all that,” he replies sheepishly. “Like I said, I was bored...”
“This is really lame!” exclaims Adam. “Someone is gonna arrest him, right?”
“Oh yeah, I’ll get right on that,” answers Danny. “But before I do, there’s just one thing I gotta know.... Corky, what do you do with a drunken sailor ear-li in the morning?”
“That’s enough, Danny,” says Bob. “Just take him away.”
So Danny takes Corky down to the RNC. The trial a couple months later found him guilty, guilty, guilty. He was put away for life. Caroline was not his lawyer.
Brian runs over to Elf. “Thank goodness you’re okay! Now I can play in the Battle of the Beats!”
“Aw that’s so sweet!” she exclaims. “You didn’t want to play without me?”
“No, that’s not it,” he answers. “You have my finger tape. I would have really wrecked my hands if I’d played without it.”
She sighs and hands him his tape. “And for a second there, I thought I meant something to you...”
“You do, baby, honest. There’s no one I’d rather have done rhythm research with, but I’ve gotta go practice for the competition...” He waves a jolly good-bye and heads back to the community hall.
Mich and Teddy are glaring at each other, over the handsome Dr. Bob. They both want him, but suddenly, they realise that they are able to share. Bob willing, of course...
Dr. Bob in the mean time, despite having virtually no experience in plastic surgery, does a beautifical job correcting the Hallettenstein Freak Brigade. Trish now has loverly un-hoary hands and Katie is young and beautiful. Caroline doesn’t mind staying a little leggy, since leggy lawyer had such a nice ring to it. Besides, she would have to print up all new business cards, which would be too expensive. And Elf, well, if Dr.. Bob fixed her, she wouldn’t be Herself the Elf anymore, and no one wants that.
The Battle of the Beats almost takes place, but as they’re practicing, they realise that they sound pretty good together and end up having a jam session, rather than a competition. After a while, Alan joins them with his bouzouki, Darrell brings his bass, and Bobby comes with his squeeze-box. It looks to be a regular kitchen party in the old community hall. The whole town turns out for it. And a good time is had by all.
Now I suppose there are some loose ends yet to tie up. Some of you may be asking, “Wasn’t Katie preggo with triplets, conceived during a night of passion with the late Mike McCann?” Well, yes I suppose she was, in a manner of speaking. Instead of Mike McCann being the father, it was actually an alien by the name of Zantor who wandered into their room by accident and wanted in on the love. Katie fully acknowledged that her triplets were half alien. They grew up to form the band "Bastard Alien Love Child,” the second most successful band to come off the Rock.
“What did you expect?” replies Elf, a little defensively. “My brain is just worn out from working with you guys! Not to mention everyone else.”
“But there must be more. I mean, what happened with Alan and Donna?” asks Bob.
“Um, they had a night of great passion and then decided that they weren’t for each other, so they split up,” answers Elf.
“Okay, but what about Darrell and Mandy? There was something going on there for a while,” queries Sean.
“Old man Lukey came back in the picture. Darrell had to thump him one to get it into his head that Mandy didn’t want him. I guess they went out for a while and then decided they should see other people. Rumour has it the sex wasn’t so great,” says Elf with a shrug.
“Hey!” exclaims Darrell.
“I’m just saying what I heard,” smiles Elf smugly.
“All right, what about Mel and Adam?” asks Darrell.
“Well, they agreed that they were great together, but Adam had to go back to Boston and they discovered that there really was a lot of ocean between Boston and St. John’s,” replies Elf
“Don’t you think you’ve beaten that joke to death?” Alan says.
Elf just sighs and shrugs. “After a total of 15 hours writing time, you stop caring about little details like that.”
“One last thing I just gotta know,” asks Sean. “What do you do with a --?”
“You finish that question and I swear I’ll shove my Pepsi can down your throat!” Elf threatens.
Sean cringes. “Um, okay... What really happened to my sweater?”
“Oh that. The janitor had noticed a big chicken grease spot on it and had taken it down to the cleaners. Unfortunately, it was so worn out that it didn’t survive the wash,” she finished. Noticing the horrified look of Sean’s face, she said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you like that. Do you guys have any more questions?”
“Actually, no, I think that’s it,” replies Alan. The rest of them nod in agreement.
“Okay, great,” Elf smiles. “Thanks for all your cooperation guys. I know we weren’t easy on you.”
“Tell me about it!” exclaims Sean. “I felt like a ping pong ball until someone wrote Mike in there.”
“I was passed around more times than a hockey puck,” adds Alan.
“Hey, at least no one thought either of you were an evil doctor for most of the show,” interjects Bob.
Darrell just smiles smugly. “I got to be a private investigator. It was lots of fun.”
In spite of minor complaints, the general consensus from the guys is that they had fun. “So I guess I’ll see you again in a few weeks,” says Elf.
“What do you mean?” asks Sean warily.
“You know, for Rover, Elf, Friends and Beer... I talked to you guys over a month ago about this...” she replies.
“Sure thing!” agrees Alan. “We wouldn’t miss it.” The guys kinda glare at him. They had fun but they don’t want to get into anything too soon.
“Don’t worry,” says Elf. “It’ll be a long time before I attempt something of this magnitude again.... Any other questions about the final episode, just ask me. And that goes for the rest of you in the PR!”
“The PR?” asks Alan. “Who are you talking to?”
“Never mind. Thanks again, guys.” She waves to them. They all come over and each give her a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“In a few weeks then!” calls Alan. They wave and exit the studio.