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Advertisement Feature 
Martial Slapdash Publishing is proud to announce the release of it's new partwork magazine, dedicated to showing new computer users how to use their computers .
In issue one, our resident PC Sales consultant, nine-year old Lawrence Jackson, gives his advice on what to look for when buying a new computer. Using clear text, and bright, jaunty colours, Lawrence explains all the pitfalls you may encounter, and shows how to find the best computer for your needs.
Also in issue one, we examine the inner workings of your computer, from it's
hard drive to its soundcard . Our resident technology
expert,
seven-year old Charles Finneker, explains it all to you, in tones previously
reserved only for talking to deaf and blind four year olds from Somerset. In every issue, we answer your questions in easy-to-understand language. You can rely on our answers, as you can be sure our experts have spent a lot of time deliberating and consulting colleagues to ensure that you get the best response to your problem. We also have regular tutorials guiding you from the basics to the advanced aspects, ensuring that you have the best knowledge at the end of the series .
PC Patroniser comes from the same company that produces such popular magazines as Angling NOW , Pascal Unleashed and The Difference Engine Explained . PC Patroniser will be in the shops from Tuesday, February 1st, and will consist of an infinite number of parts, even continuing after the end of time itself. PC Patroniser - Can you live without it? We'll teach you how not to. Part One Only 99p!* Part Two Comes with a free binder!** Every issue comes with £40 worth of commercial software, FREE!*** * Usual price £3.95 ** Binder will prove much too small for the number of issues we intend publishing. Subsequent binders cost £9.95. Issues use a proprietary binding system, meaning cheaper binders may not be used over our own format *** Commercial software originally priced £40. Subsequently attempts to sell it at £1.50 on the market proved unsuccessful. Martial Slapdash Publishing brought it all in a job-lot, with the intention of using it to attract the gullible to it's poor quality publications. |
new computer users - our never-ending source of income computers - as long as they keep making them, we'll keep publishing issue - regular, and omnipresently waiting for you enjoyment - we'll suck all of this from your computing experience bold - regular text, but fatter, and stands out better, making it easier to see advice - words seemingly giving instructions on how to correct problems, but hiding veiled contempt for the reader best - the one that is for sale hard drive - ickle thing that stores your valuable data, should it feel like it soundcard - less ickle thing that produces the music and other sound from your computer, in theory answer - say grand sounding words to promote confidence in the reader, regardless of worthiness of the words experts - they're half your age, and they're going to talk down to you deliberating - laughing at consulting - passing your problem around the internal network as 'Idiot Of The Day' response - more meaningless, grand words tutorials - in which we show you things that a three year old has known for their entire life basics - we really mean, " basics ". four issues, minimum on clicking the mouse button. And that's a promise advanced - don't worry; the partwork is unlikely to reach this stage before 2050, and even then, it's more likely that you'll have won the lottery. Or declared bankruptcy from buying every issue end of the series - hahahahahaha intricacies - everything including waking up in the morning popular - now with subliminal thought control |
Each issue shows new users how to gain most enjoyment
from their
computers, using easy to understand language. New words are represented in
bold text, with a handy box explaining them to you. 
In the first issue, we guide you through the mysterious world of your
computer's power switch, explaining the intricacies of operating this
simple-looking button.