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Funny Things That Have Been Said In Court 1 Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. Lawyer : Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer : Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch. Q. : What is your brother-in-law's name? A. : Borofkin. Q. : What's his first name? A. : I can't remember. Q. : He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. : No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! Q. : Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. : I refuse to answer that question. Q. : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. : I refuse to answer that question. Q. : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. : No. Q. : Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. : By death. Q. : And by whose death was it terminated? Q. : What is your name? A. : Ernestine McDowell. Q. : And what is your marital status? A. : Fair. Q. : Are you married? A. : No, I'm divorced. Q. : And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. : A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. : And who is this person you are speaking of? A. : My ex-widow said it. Q. : Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. : I will be three months November 8th. Q. : Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. : Yes. Q. : What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q. : Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. : I should be. Q. : How many times have you committed suicide? A. : Four times. Q. : Were you acquainted with the defendant? A. : Yes, sir. Q. : Before or after he died? Q. : Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. : Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronounciate his words. Q. : What happened then? A. : He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. : Did he kill you? A. : No. Q. : Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. : No. This is how I dress when I go to work. Q. : And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. : Oral. Q. : How old are you? A. : Oral. |