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Monty Python - Argument Clinic Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please. Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before? Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? Man: Well, what is the cost? Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes. Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. Pause Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12. Man: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.) Abuser: WHAT DO YOU WANT? Man: Well, I was told outside that... Abuser: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Man: What? Abuser: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!! Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!! Abuser: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse. Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it. Abuser: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor. Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry. Abuser: Not at all. Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!! (Walk down the corridor) Man: (Knock) Arguer: Come in. Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument? Arguer: I told you once. Man: No you haven't. Arguer: Yes I have. Man: When? Arguer: Just now. Man: No you didn't. Arguer: Yes I did. Man: You didn't Arguer: I did! Man: You didn't! Arguer: I'm telling you I did! Man: You did not!! Arguer: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour? Man: Oh, just the five minutes. Arguer: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did. Man: You most certainly did not. Arguer: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you. Man: No you did not. Arguer: Yes I did. Man: No you didn't. Arguer: Yes I did. Man: No you didn't. Arguer: Yes I did. Man: No you didn't. Arguer: Yes I did. Man: You didn't. Arguer: Did. Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument. Arguer: Yes it is. Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction. Arguer: No it isn't. Man: It is! Arguer: It is not. Man: Look, you just contradicted me. Arguer: I did not. Man: Oh you did!! Arguer: No, no, no. Man: You did just then. Arguer: Nonsense! Man: Oh, this is futile! Arguer: No it isn't. Man: I came here for a good argument. Arguer: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument. Man: An argument isn't just contradiction. Arguer: It can be. Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. Arguer: No it isn't. Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction. Arguer: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.' Arguer: Yes it is! Man: No it isn't! Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. (short pause) Arguer: No it isn't. Man: It is. Arguer: Not at all. Man: Now look. Arguer: (Rings bell) Good Morning. Man: What? Arguer: That's it. Good morning. Man: I was just getting interested. Arguer: Sorry, the five minutes is up. Man: That was never five minutes! Arguer: I'm afraid it was. Man: It wasn't. Pause Arguer: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore. Man: What?! Arguer: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on! Arguer: (Hums) Man: Look, this is ridiculous. Arguer: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! Man: Oh, all right. (pays money) Arguer: Thank you. short pause Man: Well? Arguer: Well what? Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now. Arguer: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. Man: I just paid! Arguer: No you didn't. Man: I DID! Arguer: No you didn't. Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that. Arguer: Well, you didn't pay. Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you! Arguer: No you haven't. Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid. Arguer: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. Man: Oh I've had enough of this. Arguer: No you haven't. Man: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.) Man: I want to complain. Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through. Man: No, I want to complain about... Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother. Man: Oh! Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office. (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door. Man: Hello, I want to... Ooooh! Head Hitter: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. Man: uuuwwhh!! Head Hitter: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there. Man: No. Head Hitter: Now.. Man: Waaaaah!!! Head Hitter: Good, Good! That's it. Man: Stop hitting me!! Head Hitter: What? Man: Stop hitting me!! Head Hitter: Stop hitting you? Man: Yes! Head Hitter: Why did you come in here then? Man: I wanted to complain. Head Hitter: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here. Man: What a stupid concept. |