Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I’m not a fighter. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumour that some bookmakers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the ballet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Anon
Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery.
Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
Even if a man could understand a woman, he still wouldn’t believe
it.
God is alive - He just doesn’t want to get involved.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Is there life before death?
Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Nudists are people who wear one buttons suits.
Success is more attitude than aptitude.
What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.
Lynda Barry
If it is your time love will track you down like a cruise missile. If you say "No! I don’t want it right now." That’s when you’ll get it for sure. Love will make a way out of no way. Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke.
Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
An adult Western is where the hero still kisses the horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
And those quiz shows! A woman won a vacation and dropped dead from the shock, but the sponsors kept their word. They sent her body to Bermuda for two weeks.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison. If it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
Josh Billings
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
Billing’s Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
It ain’t what a man don’t know that makes him a fool, but what he does know that ain’t so.
I’ve never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot.
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
Solitude: A nice place to visit, but a poor place to stay.
Ancius Manilius Severinus Boethius (c.480-525)
At every blow of fate, the cruellest kind of misfortune is to have been happy.
Nothing is so miserable unless you think it so; conversely, every lot is happy if you are content with it.
Who can give a law to lovers? Love is a greater law unto itself.
Siddhartha (later to be called Gautama) Buddha 563 BC to 483 BC
Believe nothing, O monks, merely because you have been told it, or because it is traditional, or because you yourselves have imagined it. Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings - that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.
Sir Winston Churchill
Democracy is the worst system devised by the wit of man, except for all the others.
Give us the tools, and we finish the job.
I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
It is a fine thing to be honest, but it is also very important to be right.
Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last a thousand years, men will still say, "This was their finest hour."
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Confucius (c.550-c.478 B.C.)
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.
Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
For one word a man is often deemed to be wise, and for one word he is often deemed to be foolish. We should be careful indeed what we say.
In all things, success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure.
Learning without thought is labour lost; thought without learning is perilous.
Men’s natures are alike; it is their habits that carry them far apart.
Study the past if you want to divine the future.
They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.
True goodness springs from a man’s own heart. All men are born good.
Quentin Crisp
An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing.
In England, failure is all the rage. England is a sort of home for incorrigibles.
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.
Vice is its own reward.
Albert Einstein
A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. He sits on a hot stove for a minute, it’s longer than any hour. That is relativity.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
Common sense is a collection of prejudices acquired by the age eighteen.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal.
Farming looks easy when your plough is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a cornfield.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Nora Ephron
That’s the truest sign of insanity - insane people are always sure they’re just fine. It’s only the sane people who are willing to admit they’re crazy.
... beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.
W. C. Fields
A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Anyone who hates children and dogs can’t be all bad.
Horse sense is the thing that a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
If a first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There’s no use being a darn fool about it.
It’s a funny old world - a man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
Once, during the Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
On the whole I would rather be in Philadelphia. [Tombstone epitaph]
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch.
Woman are like elephants to me; I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t like to own one.
Anatole France
A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance.
Chance is perhaps God’s pseudonym when he does not want to sign.
It is better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot.
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folk have lent me.
The law in all its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to begin the streets, and to steal bread.
To die for an idea is to set a rather high price upon conjecture.
Robert Frost
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.