Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.
I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
Samuel Goldwyn
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Going to call him William? What kind of name is that? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called William. Why don’t they call him Bill?
How’m I gonna do decent pictures when all my good writers are in jail? Don’t misunderstand me, they ought to be hung.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them at least five years.
I read part of it all the way through.
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
Let’s have some new clichés.
The reason so many people showed up at his funeral was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
We have all passed a lot of water since then.
We’re overpaying him but he’s worth it.
Denis Healey
It is a good thing to follow the First Law Of Holes; if you are in one, stop digging.
Aldous Huxley
After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.
I’m afraid of losing my obscurity. Genuineness only thrives in the dark.
Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Several excuses are always less convincing than one.
The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else with the same name.
The smallest fact is a window through which the infinite may be seen.
To his dog, every man is a Napoleon. Hence the popularity of dogs.
Harold Macmillan
After a long life I have come to the conclusion, that when all the Establishment is united, it is always wrong.
I have never found in a long experience of politics, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.
To be alive at all involves some risk.
You’ve never had it so good.
Groucho Marx
A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
Any club that would have accept me as a member, I wouldn’t want to join.
Did I tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got in to my pyjamas I’ll never know.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
I didn’t like the play but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I’ve had a wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I never forget a face, but I’ll make an exception in you case.
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
Military intelligence is a contraction in terms.
Send two dozen red roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
She got her good looks from her father - he’s a plastic surgeon.
Why, a four year old could understand this report. Run out and find me a four year child. I can’t make head or tail out of it.
H. L. Mencken
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
Courtroom: A place where Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot would be equals, with the betting odds in favour of Judas.
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
No matter how happily a woman is married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
Say what you like about the ten commandments; you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
The average male gets his living by such depressing devices that boredom becomes a sort of natural state to him.
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
Spike Milligan
And then the monsoons came, and they couldn’t have come at a worse time, bang in the middle of the rainy season.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
By midday in Colombo, the heat is so unbearable that the streets are empty save for thousands of Englishmen taking their mad dogs for a walk.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
His thoughts, few that they were, lay silent in the privacy of his head.
I have for instance among my purchases several original Mona Lisas and all painted (according to the signature) by the great artist Kodak.
Listen, someone’s screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently.
Money can’t buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.
Well, we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen.
What a beautiful morning it’s been out on deck. Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast dull morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
Miss Piggy as told to Henry Beard
A lot of people will also urge you to put some money in the bank, and in fact - within reason - this is very good advice. But don’t go overboard. Remember, what you are doing is giving your money to somebody else to hold on to, and I think that it is worth keeping in mind that the businessmen who run banks are so worried about holding on to things, that they put little chains on all their pens
Generally, speaking, the length and grandness of a hotel’s name are an exact opposite reflection of its quality. Thus the Hotel Central will prove to be a clean, pleasant place in a good part of town, and the Hotel Royal Majestic-Fantastic will be a fleabag next to a topless bowling alley.
What should a woman do if a man stands her up on a date?
If the man is genuinely apologetic, I would let him off with a large bunch of flowers, an expensive present, and a lavish make-up dinner. On the other hand, if he treats you in an offhand manner, he is obviously the kind of person who is not going to knock himself out for you, and you should do it for him.
Continental breakfasts are very sparse, usually just a pot of coffee or tea and a teensy roll that looks like a suitcase handle. My advice is to go right to lunch without pausing.
Diet tips: Never eat anything at one sitting that you can’t lift.
Always use one of the new - and far more reliable - elastic measuring tapes to check your waistline.
Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can cure your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.
Public telephones in Europe are like our pinball machines. They are primarily a form of entertainment and a test of skill rather than a means of communication.
There are several ways of calculating the tip after a meal. I find that the best is to divide the bill by the height of the waiter. Thus, a bill of $12.00 brought by a six foot waiter calls for a $2.00 tip.
Nancy Mitford
To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease.
Wilson Mizner
A fellow who is always declaring he’s no fool usually has his suspicions.
Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll need them on the way down.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
[Of Hollywood] A trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.