My Diary for 2258, by me, Mr D. Morden (D stands for dead)
On my way to a planet near the rim to do some digging, always wanted to try my hand at growing things.
November (supper time)
Had a discussion with the Exec, apparently I am to look at
some old ruins on the planet. Got a bit worried when he kept
going on about how safe it was. Met this girl called Anna today,
what a babe!
December 24th
Looking forward to Christmas on the new planet tommorow,
which we are told is called Planet "Nicenfriendly",
catchy name. Wonder if I can get Anna under the misselto (sp)
December 25th
Landed, ran into an alien life form who killed me.
January 2258
Woke up with a splitting headache. The alien next to me told
me that I am dead and going to destroy lots of my own kind and
some alien races, explained why and what a nice thing it will be
to do, and in return for me helpng them, they could give me a
really smug persona, all the bits of Anna Sheridan that they
don't want, and all the Spoo I can eat.
Sounded like a good deal to me.
February 2258
Was assigned my escorts/helpers today. They two of them have
names with more than a million letters each in them, with now
vowels, So I have decided to call them Chas & Dave, easier in
the long run, especially if I have to tell them to duck or
something.
March 2258
Went to a place called Babylon 5, talked to a whole load of
ambassadors and asked them what they wanted. Seemed like a
pointless visit to me, but Chas was quite pleased with the
results. Met this cute babe by the name of Delenn - she has a
weird design in triangular makeup on her forehead, but still, has
a really cute bum.
Chas and Dave sat me down and we had a long discussion about sex, mainly that I am not going to get any until I have finished my job. I said that was fine cause I didn't want to sleep with them anyway. Unfortunately they meant with women like Delenn and that chick Ivanova. I better finish this job quickly.
October 2258 (Afternoon Tea
Time)
Struck a deal with Londo today over some fresh mince pies and
a pot of real coffee, he wants the Narns bombed out of existance
- checked with Dave, he said we could do that no problem.
Chas told me about the Vorlons today and said I probably shouldn't get anywhere near one, I asked if they were cute - He told me they were as cute as a fusion reactor explosion, decided to avoid them.
November 2258
Destroyed a Narn base today. Ok, not personally, but it was
my deal, I arranged it!
Asked Dave about growing some misseltoe in my quarters back on the big Z, he said that was OK.
November 15 2258
Organised some crackers and an artificial tree on Z. Chas is
getting suspicious. Told both him and dave, that although they
have to be with me all the time, would it be ok if I showered
alone.
November 16 2258
Getting to shower alone means I can plan my chistmas party, I'll
get Anna along if she can get time off out of her pilot's job,
damned army!
December 2258
Destroyed a few more narn ships and outposts. Saw a Vorlon
today, I'm not sure if Chas & Dave are telling me the whole
truth on this one....
December 24th 2258
Christmas party is off because:
1) Chas and Dave found out
2) Anna told me where to get off
3) The mimbari (Delenn) has decided to have a spieces change which probably means they know all about us and we will have to bring the war forward.
4) Dave ate my misselto
December 31 2258
New year resolutions:
1) Destroy Narn
2) Destroy Mimbar
3) Destroy Earth
4) Destroy almost everything else
5) Get off with Delenn
I think I can manage the first 4 before the end of the year. Not as if there is anyone who can stop us.
I checked with Dave about the Vorlons, he said that they wouldn't stop us because they are thick and too busy acting sinister to get involved.
Hmm...
My Diary for 2259, by me, Mr D. Morden (D stands for dead)
January 1st
Hangover
January 2nd
Hungover
January 3rd
I regret Chas talking me into going into his ship for a quick
spin about the galaxy. It's true what they say about these ships,
anyone who has been inside one of them, doesn't come out of them
quite the same. I can vouch for that for 3 reasons:
1) Chas's driving,
2) His bottle of Shadow de Ville, 79. Quite powerful stuff, I still don't know if it is safe for me to drink, but being dead already, I thought I would risk it.
3) After suffering Chas's driving, drinking half a bottle of toxic waste and then falling down drunk out of the ship after we landed and breaking my arm and pelvis - I was a changed man,
Thank god for the Doctor here (His name sounds like Sqwidgybot but a lot longer) I think I will call him Derek. Derek fixed me up with some pills and a couple of limb transplants - he told me to take it easy and not to go pubbing with Chas again. Dave came and collected us - he did not look pleased - there was a very stony admosphere in the Spider-Mini Coupe and the way back. If I didn't know better, I would say that these two guys have more than a "plutonic" relationship.
Sorry, that should real PLATONIC, I didn't mean that they had a goofy dog with big ears relationship - although, now I come to think of it....
February 26th (Afternoon
Tea)
Z'ha'dum Winter timesaving begins.
Spent the last few months organising a few business contacts around the Galaxy. Visited earth and got the Psi Corps on our side, they have been working for us on and off, a few assasinations here and there, the odd ship blowing up, but it is nice to get the contract signed, sealed and delivered..., I wish I could be a telepath, I would love to know what is going on in womens minds...
Went eploring today on Z. Decided to go pot-holing - found this HUGE big cave just beside their main underground city (called Glasgow, curiously). I was in the middle of absailing down it when Dave hauled me back up and gave me this big long talking to about not going down the hole because it was very dangerous and who knows what I might meet down there. I tried to explain that I had taken every precaution, I had a safety helmet, knee pads, headlamp, extra batteries, harness, spare rope, heat blanket etc. and that I would be perfectly safe. Plus the fact that being dead, I wasn't really in much danger was I? This didn't go down too well. Been grounded for a week AND lost my "shower alone" privalages.
March 23rd (Elevensies)
Full Moon: Blank Holiday (Z'ha'dum equator - NOT S'co'tl-and)
Shadow attacks going well. I don't know what the strategy is but if it makes them happy to wibble out of Hyprspace and blast the socks of a few Narn Warships, I'm happy too - gives me more time to plan my next phase of my "Sneak a Hareem of Able Girls into my quarters " Codename SHA - wait a minute, If I write that, Chas is sure to know - From now on it will be known as operation "Wilma Flintstone" - Yeah! He'll never guess.
Met with Londo, organised a little Narn Bashing and destroyed some major outposts - Narn homeworld next on list.
Operation "Wilma Flintsone" in full operation, managed to sneak off from Chas n Dave and organise a liason with a fighter pilot for tomorrow night!!!!! Justin, one of the other dead humans says she is quite a looker, although I have yet to clap eyes on her, still,I AM desperate.I left her a note in her cockpit.
"Hi Honey Buns, Fancy a bit of fun with a cool dude who knows how to have a good time, Call me!
D. Morden "
Got a note back
"Love to Morden Baby, see you tomorrow night!"
Things are loooking up.
March 24th
Had to lose Chas & Dave for tonight, told them that I needed
some Quality Time tonight, and that the Vorlons were attacking
one of out outposts - they rushed off in a panic,
(Suppertime)
Operation "Wilma Flintstone" Canceled - Permenantly -
How was I to know that Honey Buns was a native to this planet!!!
she came on pretty strong though, but I just couldn't work out
what would go where so I had to let her down politely. Chas and
Dave were in on this from the beginning and were laughing all the
way home....
April 1st (Lunch)
St.
Zadsalfwelgjlbjwbw'ej'qfwj'wqj'f'v'v'v'akv'qwq'rk'wq'fk'fk'qwfk'qkf's
Day (Patron saint of Washing Machines)
Queen's Birthday
Tried some April fool jokes on Chas & Dave - pointless exercise, they thought the soap that turned your face black was cool and even better the foul tasting sweets.
Went to B5 and Met Sheridan today - He got a bit riled cause he wanted to know why I was alive and his wife Anna Sheridan was dead. He would have probably got even more annoyed if I told him what I would realy like to do to his dead wife. Even though I am dead, I thought I better not press this point too far. Chas & Dave had to keep quiet all the way through this - I was kept in a cell for a long time, Sheridan started to get physical, unfortunately it was the wrong Sheridan and I nearly got a black eye for my trouble. Eventually was released.
I have the feeling the B5ers are onto us - but I am not sure. Had a discussion with Vir, Londo's aid today - He doesn't seem to like me, I don't know why - It's not as if I have ever done anything to him I must say that I was quite speechless after his little outburst. Chas said he wanted to kill the little sod, Dave had some equally graphic ideas about what to do with him, I managed to restrain them, just...
October 15th
Lorien Day
Traveled to Gorash 7 today and played "Galaxians" with the Narn fleet - All in all it was not as exciting as I thought it was going to be. I had a bet on with Chas that Anna would knock out more ships than Honey Buns - He agreed, but forgot to tell me that Anna wasn't in the attacking army.... Still, it was satisfying sitting there watching all these exploisions on Shadow TV, drinking Shadow de Ville. (I was drinking orange juice, Chas and Dave were drinking the de Ville, I have learnt my lesson.) On Channel two of Shadow TV was the bombing of the Narn Homeworld by the centauri. We recorded that so we can watch it later....
October 16th
BIG TROUBLE TODAY
Someone recorded "Z'ha'dum ers next door" over the bombing of the Narn homeworld. Chas and Dave are going around hitting things (mostly me) and swearing a lot. It' wasn't really my fault, I was trying to record "Vorlons, Above And Beyond" on channel 6453, They should have taken the record Tab out...
December 20th
Did my Christmas list today.
1) Buy Anna a big bottle of Shadow de Ville (whay hey!!!)
2) Dave - Fluffy Dice for his Spider-Mini Coupe
3) Chas - "Bombing the Narn Homeworld" Video - Wide screen - Zicam Quadraphonic Digital+ Sound (to make up for my writing over our original recording)
4) Honey Buns - Box of Chocs
5) Derek - A book on human anatomy (He may need it after the new year)
6) Justin - a haircut
December 21st
More trouble today - We tried to assasinate Sheridan today, used
a centauri to put a bomb on his bus, but all that happened was
that he jumped out and was rescued by Kosh the Vorlon. When Kosh
rescued him, he left his encounter suit and revealed himself to
be an Angel to everyone who was watching (apart from me & my
associates, all we saw was this a skinny wee man with glases
wearing flares and a shirt with a long collar and a kipper tie,
but who would admit that to anyone!).
Chas and Dave think that Kosh could be a problem, I am beginning to agree...
Chrismas Party Tomorrow.....
December 22nd
No Chrismas Party, the war has been well brought foward....
Looked at last years new year resolutions, marked off what I had achieved.
1) Destroy Narn Yes, Practically
2) Destroy Mimbar No
3) Destroy Earth No
4) Destroy almost everything else No
5) Get off with Delen No
Hmm....
December 31st 2259
11pm, Just off to see the new year in, Chas has promised me that
he will behave, I am determined not to get drunk....
New year resolutions
1) Dont get drunk tonight
2) Get off with Delen
3) Get the war going good and proper
4) Win the war
5) Have sex with SOMEONE!!!!!!