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Welcome to the Groan Zone, a shrine to all those really dreadful and yet strangely humorous jokes we all know and love. Here we present you with prime examples of the genre, lovingly selected for your suffering. |
The Vikings were ready to set sail back home after a session of exploring foreign lands. Suddenly, one of them remembered something. "Oh no! I promised my wife that I'd get hold of one of those new cast iron sinks they have over here!" However, at that moment he noticed a builder walking by, carrying a hod filled with bricks. He rushed over to the builder and offered to buy the hod. Returning to his Viking friends, he remarked: "There, that should do instead. She won't be able to tell the difference, especially since she's lost the vision in both her eyes. You see, a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse."
A chef at an old people's home was struggling to come up with meals that all the residents would enjoy. Recently he'd been trying out various exotic meats, like ostrich and kangaroo meat. However, the residents didn't seem to be interested at all. In desperation, he went off to the zoo to try and find something different. The primate enclosure caught his eye, and he asked the zoo-keeper to catch one or two of them, so he could serve them up that evening. In the end, the only one the zoo-keeper could catch was a particularly sedate monkey which had no interest in running away. Back at the old people's home, the chef was preparing the meal, when the manager came into the kitchen and asked what the meal was going to be. The chef replied: "Oh, I thought I'd try a mellow gibbon for the old folk's tea."
Ghandi was a very spiritual person, and regularly walked around barefoot, with the result that his feet quickly became very sore and hard. His diet was poor, to the extent that he became rather frail and developed bad breath. For this reason, he became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
A man went into a restaurant and was attended to by a charming waiter named Jevaise. He decided to order squid, so Jevaise took the man over to a tank where all the squid, lobster and so on were swimming around, so that he could select one. The man chose one that seemed particularly agitated and violent, was coloured bright green, and strangest of all, was covered with fur all over. Jevaise looked concerned and said, "Oh no, you can't choose that one; he helps out with the washing up, you see." The man replied, "Hey, you said I could choose any of them, and I want that one!" Begrudgingly, Jevaise let the man return to his table, and then picked up the net. However, he couldn't bring himself to kill the squid, so he called over Hans, the man in charge of washing up, and handed him the net. Hans couldn't bring himself to do it either. The moral of this story is: Hans that does dishes can be soft as Jevaise, with wild, green, hairy dish squid.
A mouse went into a music shop and asked the shopkeeper, "Do you have a mouse organ?" The shopkeeper said, "No, I think you mean a mouth organ. Actually, it's funny you should ask that, because a mouse came in here this morning and asked just the same thing." The mouse replied, "Oh, that'll be our Monica."
A man went into a pet shop and bought a hamster. A week later, the man went back into the shop, and complained to the shopkeeper: "That hamster you sold me has died already. What should I do now?" The shopkeeper replied: "Ah, well, you could try making jam out of it. I believe it's really nice." Somewhat bemused, the man went back home, and made jam out of the hamster. He tried some, and it was so horrible that he threw it out of the window in disgust. The next morning, he found that in his garden, where the pot of jam had landed, a bunch of roses had grown overnight. He went to the pet shop and told the shopkeeper what had happened. The shopkeeper replied, "Yes, that is strange. You usually get tulips from hamster jam."
Pete the lobster and Samuel the oyster were great friends, and enjoyed many long hours playing music together. Then one day, Samuel announced that he was going to the big city to open up a nightclub. That was the last Pete heard from Samuel for several years, and Samuel's nightclub became a big success. Then one day Pete received a letter inviting him to come to the nightclub and play his zither, just like the old times. A week later Pete turned up at the club, and Samuel invited him to partake in a few drinks before his performance. However, when the time came for Pete's performance, they found that his zither had gone missing! After an unsuccessful search for it, Pete decided that he would sing instead. He got up onto the stage, and started the song: "I lost my harp in Sam Clam's disco..."
A man turned up to a fancy dress party, carrying a woman on piggyback. The host asked the man what he had come as, and he replied "A tortoise." The host was rather confused by this, so asked him who the woman was. He replied "Oh, that's Michelle."
A man walked into a bar and noticed a woman, playing pool while balancing a tray of lager on her left shoulder, a tray of stout on her right shoulder and a tray of bitter on her head. The man said to the barman "Who's that?" The barman replied "That's Beer-tricks Potter."
A man applied for a job in a Chinese restaurant in Croydon, and was invited for an interview. He turned up for the interview, wearing a fur hat. At the end of the interview, the manager said, "Well, I'm pleased to say I can offer you a place at the restaurant. One thing puzzles me, though - why did you come in that hat?" The man replied: "Ah yes, I tell my father that I go for job interview in Croydon, and he say 'Croydon? Wear the fox hat!'"
After a freak winter storm, a farmer awoke to discover that an entire field of cows had been frozen solid. He thought for some time about how to revive them, and then had an idea. He made a telephone call, and before long a woman arrived in a van. She placed electric heaters next to each of the cows, and soon they were all back to normal. At that moment the farmer's wife returned from the market, and asked the farmer "Who's that?". The farmer replied "It's Thora Hird."
What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
Hide in a field and make a noise like a carrot.