On Air Travel

This is without doubt the worst and most disagreeable way of getting from A to B devised by man. It embodies a unique combination of discomfort, disquiet and inconvenience that are stirred gently by officials that are highly trained in arrogance and ambivalence into a brew that turns a perfectly placid individual into a ranting, dribbling homicidal maniac. It is absolutely a priory that no matter what the circumstance the traveller is always made to feel at fault. The Airlines, Customs officials, Security personnel, porters, taxi drivers and duty free checkout clerks are all trained into this conspiracy and you have absolutely no hope of using reason or even humanitarian pleading to circumvent this.

I do what I can. Little things. Like always making sure that your flight ticket is presented upside down. Refusing to speak any language they might understand. Staring blankly at officials as if they had just dropped from the ceiling AND if they are so inclined as to wear name badges ALWAYS addressing them by their Christian name. One does what one can. It's not much but it helps pass the time.

But they do strike back. I recall vividly the increased paranoia after the Lockerbie air crash. I was travelling out of Hamburg at the time and in those days carried a goodly collection of trade tools with me. Unusually I had cut it fine and my flight was boarding as I went through security. As usual the scanning device went into a fit as it encountered the plethora of equipment in my hand luggage. The official opened the bag and started to go through the contents.

"What's this?"

"Its a modem"

"What's a modem?"

"It's a device that turns telephone signals into computer signals"

"OK What's this?"

"It's a transformer"

What's a transformer?"

"It a device that turns high voltages into low voltages."

"OK What's this?"

"Its a protocol converter."

"What's a protocol converter?" Now I don't know about you but at this time I heard them paging my name as the last remaining passenger for the flight and something went CLICK in my head.

"ITS NOT A BOMB !" Big mistake, because he just smiled switched into super slow mode and repeated the question. Then he went through every piece of wire, screwdriver and voltage box in detail. At the end he left me to cram it all in a great hurry and I was running along the corridor with long wires trailing behind me.

RULE 1. INTIMIDATE BUT DON'T UPSET THE OFFICIALS.

I digress. Back to the airport where you have been made to queue in front of 20 check-in desks, only 2 of which are manned, except for First Class where there are 5 check in desks all manned to accept the 12 passengers who can afford to fly at that price, you have been made to queue for security checks, which seem more concerned in detecting the change in your pocket rather than a substantial piece of metal like a GUN or ROCKET LAUNCHER, made to queue for ticket checks at the boarding gate where they let children and cripples on first but without actually giving them time to get seated before letting the torrent of other sweaty passengers throng after them, and finally you're in your seat.

Now the airline takes over. The airlines have perfected the art of frustration and blended it with a such subtle level of confusion that you have no chance at all of retaliating against what they are about to inflict on you. First of all I draw your attention to the "seat numbering anomaly". One would imagine that the rows would be numbered sequentially starting at one at the front and ending in an orderly fashion with the last. Not so. Take a look about three quarters up the length of the plane near the exits. They skip a row number. I often worry what I am to do if I were ever allocated that row number. Also the logic of seat lettering takes a skip. In coach, economy, at the back they are all numbered ABC def or ab cd or ab cde fg depending on the size of the plane. Venture into Business and what do you see AC DE FH! WHAT HAPPENED TO C AND G? There is no reason other deliberate conspiracy to worry to do this to the traveller.

Next they make sure that you strap yourself into a seat you are incapable of getting out without a crow bar and lifting tackle and taxi the plane into the blazing sun, turn off the air conditioning and stay there for 30 minutes. No explanation is offered for this but you will notice a complete absence of stewards and stewardesses. This is because they are in the region where the air conditioning is still on. Then, just as your armpits are vigorously oozing the captain announces that this SLIGHT delay is over and he is now joining the queue of 8 other planes waiting to use the one and only runway. He assures you that this SLIGHT delay will not affect the arrival time.

IF HE CAN MAKE UP THE TIME THEN WHY DOESN'T HE DRIVE FASTER EVERY TIME AND REDUCE THE AGONY?

So at last you're airborne. A stewardess will rumble past with some drinks on offer. Don't make the mistake of being polite and just taking one. SHE WON'T BE BACK! Take enough to last you the trip and allow enough for a 2 hour delay if you are hoping to land at Heathrow where it is customary to make the plane fly around in a figure 8 formation for at least an hour. This has nothing to do with congestion but more to do with keeping the property value for the underlying towns low. Next come the meal. HAH! Call that food? Let me ask you, what would your spouse do if you served that up one evening? Does the phrase "new wall paper" spring to mind? Not the sort of thing I'd do if I wanted to get laid that night! They give you a potion of mush that you could probably, but inadvisably, devour in about 45 seconds, then leave the crammed tray with you for 45 minutes effectively pinning you into the seat forcing you to look at the gook that you feel ought not to be eaten until you finally succumb and eat it all up. Try refusing - I always do. They look at you with that "Well if you want to starve, that's up to you" look. You know, I can make it from London to Bergen without food! Here's a lifesaver. Have a really big meal at a restaurant before flying long distance (for you Norwegians, that's anything further than Stockholm). I once flew to Singapore and declined both meals. At the end the steward came and said, "Sir, you have missed both meals." I replied "Yes, and I feel great. Thank you," leaving him with a puzzled frown on his face.

Long hauls are a special kind of nightmare. The game is simple: you want to sleep, they will try to stop you! And boy is it complex. Here's how it goes. Sit down, strap in, take off. Now you have about 8 to 14 hours depending on where you're trying to get to. The game starts. Their strategy goes like this.

Wait 20 minutes then offer drinks. Wait another 20 minutes then start in the in flight entertainment system which consists of at least one film you'd really like to see. Give them head phones to put on then interrupt them every 20 minutes at a volume at least 8 notches higher than the poor passenger set - just in case he's nodded off. These announcements are inane and irrelevant. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW AT WHAT ALTITUDE WE ARE CRUISING OR THAT WE ARE OVER THE GOBI FUCKING DESERT AT 4 IN THE MORNING! Wait another hour (about midnight) and serve LUNCH! Leave the mess in front of the passenger for another hour. Then just as the sun is rising make them all close their window shutters and plunge them into darkness. Frown at any passenger who dares to turn on their "personal" light. You might think that you could get some sleep now. WRONG! The pilot will now find the only piece of severe turbulence in the sky and fly right through it. Keep this up for two hours then announce that landing will take place in half an hour. Then circle around the destination for another hour.

Get the picture? Been there? Here's my game plan - WAR! AND TAKE NO PRISONERS!

Sit down, strap in and as soon as the plane is off the ground shoot your seat back as far as it will go. You may crush a lap top or two but who cares - this is a war zone. Close your eyes and keep them shut. You will find that with the reduction in cabin pressure on take off you can actually drop into a light sleep almost at once (really!). They will try and wake you by gently rubbing or touching your arm. I have never been roughly handled, but I did once retaliate very effectively against a persistent stewardess. I had heard the food cart approach, I could smell the stench, but remained immobile. She touched my arm and at that precise moment I jerked upright and screamed "DON'T TOUCH ME! I HAVE HEPATITIS!" Wow, what a reaction! She sprang away from me as by an electric jolt landing in the lap of the passenger across the isle, spilling the contents of the food tray liberally over 3 rows of seats! I just looked around at the chaos with a confused look on my face, rubbed my eyes and said "Wow, what a nightmare!" With that I got up and went to the toilet, because if I had had to contained my laughter any longer I would have pissed myself. It was glorious. I was chuckling to myself for hours. I was left alone for the rest of the flight. I felt sorry for the guy next me. The more I spread out the more he contracted.