On Faking It |
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 Only in America –
no let's not hit on the US because this applies equally all over the globe. I'm
talking about xxxx-free xxxx. Know what I mean? It first dawned on me in a bar
on South Street, Philadelphia, PA. As I was enjoying my 3rd Rolling Rock (have
I mentioned that this is the best beer on earth?) when my eyes toured the
optics and did a double take on a bottle of bourbon. I looked again.
"Alcohol Free Whiskey"! What? ALCOHOL FREE WHISKEY? What is the point
here?Then I got to thinking, why not? We have caffeine free coffee. Hah! That freaked them out. Remember when caffeine was declared bad for you? Remember all those dorks who switched to tea? And then we found out that tea has as much caffeine in it as coffee. Hey presto – caffeine free tea. Then nicotine free cigarettes, then alcohol free wine and beer. I suppose it had to lead to alcohol free Whiskey. But what's the point? If I want to pretend to drink whiskey I order a ginger ale or a Bacardi and coke without the Bacardi. And it's not as if this shit is cheaper, it's not! I'm going to have to buy a bottle of this shit because no one is ever going to believe me. Then I thought "Wow someone's really thought about this!" This shit can really catch on. So I was retelling this in a pub in Wargrave, England and to demonstrate my point I asked the barman what he would charge me for a coffee. He said he'd get me one for free, so I insisted he put a price on it and he came up with $1 (£0.60). I then pointed to a can of Red Bull and asked what the price for that was – no surprises $3 (£2). What's the difference? Packaging and marketing. Its not what's inside that counts, it seems. So I got back onto the futility of Alcohol free wine and some stranger chipped in "Well maybe some people want to appear sociable without getting drunk!" Who was talking about getting drunk? What I'm saying is that if you got to pretend then there are cheaper ways of doing it without letting the marketing jerks pull you around. Think about this – womanless pussy! For those who like the taste without having to endure the involvement. Shake it on a sponge, lick some and rub the rest up the side of your face and down your chin. The other guys will never know! How's that for pretence? Just don't ever let them legalize dope! The marketing jerks will be right there with Marijuana free joints! At least now you know what you're getting and you know exactly why! Why can't they come up with a WORK FREE DAY? Now that has got huge market potential! Here's some more – flameless matches for children, fully dressed girly magazines that you can leave about, engineless cars to save the environment…. Oh yes! And how about this? – A GODLESS SOCIETY!!! Market that you bastards!! |
Copyright(c) 2001 Rogue Art. All rights reserved.