Richard's Little Boog Of Gags (1)

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

MANNERS

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

TWO DWARFS

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

THREE GLIDER PILOTS

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, just the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux men who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodile and wrestled him to du ground and killed em with my bare hends"

Jerry from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today."

OUR SOFTWARE

In opening the session, Narayana Murthy (Infosys) mentioned a hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot-less technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEO’s is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO’s promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

TOILET PAPER

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

TWO GAYS IN THE ZOO

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop.When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"...

BITCHIN’ WIVES

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smouldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down and grabbed her crotch, she said, "Cut that out!"

SILENT NUN

When Sister Marlena entered the Convent of Silence, Abbess said, "Sister, this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Marlena lived in the convent for 5 years before the Abbess said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years you can speak two words."

After another 5 years, the Abbess called Sister Marlena into her office. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena."

"Cold food," said Sister Marlena. The Abbess assured her that the food would be better in the future... On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbess again called Sister Marlena into her office.

PET MONKEY

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

BLOND DRIVING

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.

FREE BEER

Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 pence.

Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' Mick 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's' Paul 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in -we haven't got any money!!'

Mick 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks and Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me' Mick 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub...'

TIME FOR MARRIAGE

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

GREAT BIKE

Two IT blokes were walking across the park when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT bloke replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on a bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second IT bloke nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

IT AND MARRIAGE

An architect, an artist and an IT bloke were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The IT bloke said, "I like both." "Both?" The IT bloke replied "Yes. If you have both a wife and a mistress, they'll each assume you're spending time with the other woman. That way you can go to the office and get some work done."

PESSIMISM

IT AND THE FROG

An IT bloke was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The IT bloke took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the IT bloke took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The IT bloke said, "Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

EMAIL FROM HELL

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules, it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an email back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the email without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

YOUNG SWEARING

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your arse it won't be fuckin' Coco Pops.":

THE BETTING SLIP

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and at this, she apologizes. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

GOLF BALLS

A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

SPEEDING EXCUSE

A middle-aged fellow bought a new Mercedes convertible and took it out to the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch this Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, and finally 110 with the lights still behind him. Then his common sense returned and he thought "What in hell am I doing?" and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it, and looked over the shiny new Mercedes.

At last he said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork. So if you can give me an excuse for your speeding and attempting to evade me that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

With hardly a pause the man said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

A LITTLE HEAD

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob, or I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can send mom down and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

Q&A

Q: Why is the basic Irish currency called a punt? A: Because it rhymes with Bank Manager

Q: What do gays and bungee jumpers have in common? A: If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit

Q: What's the similarity between Hide & Seek and premature ejaculation? A: Coming...........ready or not

Why do men name their willies? Because they want to be on first name terms with the person that makes all the decisions.

What is the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball? Men will spend more than ten minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A. Spit, swallow and gargle

Q. What's the difference between an Australian and a yoghurt? A. A yoghurt has a living culture.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection when she has sex? A. A bus shelter

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse? A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

CORPORATE LESSONS

LESSON NUMBER ONE A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON NUMBER TWO A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon a farmer who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree spotted him.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

LESSON NUMBER THREE When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes, until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

LESSON NUMBER FOUR A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

CHRISTMAS GOLF

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it!

We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife Such diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, " I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or golf?"

KILLING THE RABBIT

The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.

Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lemur one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!" So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss ?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:

GEOGE BUSH

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms shackled over his head,and legs spread open. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

HUNTING ACCIDENT

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

GOOD BAD AND UGLY

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You're in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross- dresser Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend

EVE IN EDEN

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

THE PERFECT MAN

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works: "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain."

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

TOURETTE’S SYNDROME

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. 'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies,’ Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I fucking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds; playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously pat the cheetah.

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

FOOTBALL FAN

Then he saw one in the best seats. He asked the man sitting in the next seat if the seat was really empty.

"My wife used to come to the football game with me every time, but she died recently, and I had already bought the tickets."

Lee said, "but surely you could have found a friend or relative who would come with you - these are excellent seats."

FRANK GOES HUNTING

Frank was excited about his new rifle, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.There was another tap on his shoulder.This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

ET CETERA

1) You came per night. You get close to my body and sucked me all over. You had so much fun and satisfied then left me in pain. You! Bitch mosquito!

2) MUM: didn't I tell you that if a guy touches your ASS, say DON'T. And if he touches your BOOBS say STOP! GIRL: But mum, he touched both so I said: DON'T STOP...!!!

3) Sex is math: Add 2 bodies, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs and multiply!!!

4) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut! MUM: You mean it's small? LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!

5) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

6) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex? 2% eat. 3% smoke cigarettes. 4% take shower. 5% go to sleep. 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

7) What is a KISS? It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

8) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies? MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

9) Women top 5 lies: 5. I am a virgin. 4. It is so big. 3. I can't do that to my best friend. 2. I won't gain weight after marriage. 1. I am coming I am coming!!!

10) Why is your dick better than a credit card? 1. Once spent it recharges itself. 2. It is accepted worldwide. 3. You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

11) Guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic? She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, Fuck, and then you disappear.

12) What is the closest thing to a woman period? Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are FUCKED!!!

BUSH AND POWELL

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" Bush says, "We're planning World War III" The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Afghans this time, and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman???!" Bush turns to Powell and whispers, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the Afghans!

JACK SCHITT

WHO IS JACK SCHITT For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

ADAGES

It is always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

After any salary rise you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t need him again.

Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Eat one live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

SMELLY DOG

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!”

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing.

FLYING DICK

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity.

Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10-year-old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, and then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 10-year-old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

THINGS TO SAY AT WORK

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the conversation?

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about your being competent.

TOLL GATE BOOTH PASTE

The driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig and ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

GYNAECHOLOGY