Richard’s

Little Book

Of Gags

(The director’s cut)

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.-- Redd Foxx

Null Value ... sorry.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

"Get the facts first. You can distort them later." - Mark Twain

"I'm the one who's gonna have to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to." - Jimi Hendrix

"I do not take drugs. I am drugs." - Salvador Dali, Diary of a Genius, 1966

"If the doors of perception were cleansed Everything would appear to man as it is... infinite. For man has closed himself up Till he sees all things through narrow chinks of his cavern" - William Blake

"An empty bowl must always be filled A full bowl must always be emptied" - The THC Paradox

"Make the most of the hemp seed and sow it everywhere." - George Washington, circa. 1794

"The difference between us and Helen Keller is that she knew she was deaf and blind." - Tom Robbins

"When I hear some sigh ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask ‘Compared to what?’" -Sydney J. Harris

A Discordian is a Taoist with a very strange sense of humour and the inability to sit still -- Rabbi Kwan Chi Sung Lieberwitz - Jews for Buddha Cabal

Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

"Life is far too important a thing to ever talk seriously about." -- Oscar Wilde

They say..."Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day, But teach a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime." What they failed to tell you was he'll only eat fish!

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching.

The Dragon eats Fruit! -- Seth Lipton

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.

"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others." -- Dr. E. Kersten

Sleep is no substitute for coffee.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." -- Rodney Dangerfield

Life is like a simile...

Jesus is coming! Look busy!

Help put the fun back in Dysfunctional!

Will the deity who nailed the KOSMIC KARMIC KICK ME sign to my back kindly remove it?

Some people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.

If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms

Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed for the same reason.

That which does not kill you might just be ... toying.

The Goddess does not seek worship -- she rejoices in being vividly imagined.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

Famous Last Words: "I think it's dead..."

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

Its a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn't understand.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME!

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

A Priest, a Minister, a Rabbi, a Feminist, an Irishman, a Jew, an Elephant, and a Gorilla walked into a bar. The Bartender said, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Any Book worth banning is a Book worth reading!

Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?

Hit any key. With what?

The quality of a relationship is more important than the gender of the people in it.

To err is human, but it feels divine - Mae West

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.

"I was here. Where were you? Back soon." -- Godot

They aren't broken, they're...uh...modular.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

It may look like I'm doing nothing but on a cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Entropy requires no maintenance

Klaatu Barada Nikto

Five days a week, my body is a Temple. The other two, it's an Amusement Park

Normal? Normal is a setting on my dryer.

We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing anything with nothing

With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?

No ... killing is more of a hobby with me.

SPOON!!!

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone gave up violence forever? I could conquer the whole planet with a butter knife!

Real Daleks don't climb stairs -- they level the building.

Captain! Somebody formatted the Warp Drive!

There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe. -- Albert Einstein

It's OK to laugh during sex - just don't point.

If you're going down in flames, you might as well hit something big!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book -- Groucho Marx

Evolution -- life's a niche, and then you die

The reality you have dialled is not in service. Please check the value of pi or consult your local deity.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from.

I'll get a life when someone convinces me that it would be better than what I have now!

The Game Master is Not God. God is one of my little NPC's.

I am very interested in the future because I plan to spend the rest of my life there.

Live Faust, Die Jung

My mind isn't always in the gutter -- sometimes it comes out to feed.

The gods love heroes. They also love a good laugh. Think about it.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Sex is only dirty if it's done right.

You could be replaced by an infinite number of monkeys.

555 --- The number of the wannabeast

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. -- Mae West

Fantasy isn't our crutch - It's arcane

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel

The only good fnord is a dead fnord.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Ancient Chinese curse: May you live in interesting times!

We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna And a Sun Myung Moon! -- Maxwell Smart

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -- Abraham Lincoln

Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Rehab is for quitters.

A good pun is it's own reword.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

Sacred cows make the best burgers.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol!

Idiot, n. : A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil"s Dictionary

"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try anyway, George." - D.J. on KSFO/KYA

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon

The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races." Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. -- Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist"s Almanac

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer manoeuvre. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN"T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

Q. What is the death rate around here? A. One per person.

"All flesh is Grass." -- The Book of Isiah Smoke a friend today!

All I ask is the chance to prove that money won’t make me happy!

"All my life, I wanted to BE someone. I guess I should have been more specific." -- Jane Wagner

"The Sacred Chao is where the Truth lies." -- Pope Raymond Lama, KSC, priest to the Ghurkanist Dissidence of the Jimi Hendrix Discordian Cabal -x- Avoid Conflicting Drugs.

People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.

The idea is to die young as late as possible. -- Ashley Montague

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

The Incredible Frog-Boy is on the loose again! -- Al Yankovic

"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" -- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your mistress."

"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" -- Harlan Ellison

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel Goldwyn

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow

Entropy takes no effort.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. -- Eric Hoffer

Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.

Coincidence, n. :You weren’t paying attention to the other half of what was going on.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. -- J. P. McEvoy

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt

"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation." -- G. B. Shaw

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

Periodically submerge yourself in the grim realities of reality and crawl from the filth a bit wiser for the experience.

Assure your self sanctity is in the shower even if you never lose the dirt

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!

23rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr inspiration: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin

Blood is thicker than water. Tastier, too.

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West

...And someday, they will have computers the size of houses, with millions of vacuum tubes, doing thousands of computations per minute...!!!

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite. -- Bertrand Russell, Skeptical Essays , 1928

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai Stevenson

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein

Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.

No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! -- Sherlock Holmes

Common sense is what tells us the earth is flat.

I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before!" -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987

There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for, it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizarrely inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." -- Douglas Adams, Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Give a monkey a brain and he'll swear he's the centre of the universe.

It's always best to have good manners, or at least fast reflexes.

Time is a plaything for children and fools.

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three, and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug Larson

Pain looks good on other people; that's what they're for.

Love's as good as soma!

Of course I still love you. Now stop whining and let me shoot you.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!

Nice computers don't go down...

We are sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone ninety degrees and try again.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

'Twas Brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.

You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?

Klein bottle for sale. Inquire within.

Any given program, when running, needs debugging. Any debugged program is obsolete.

"But we'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has." -- The Dread Pirate Wesley The Princess Bride

Horniness is a quintessential example of hope.

Boxing is a lot like ballet, except that they don't dance, there isn't any music, and they hit each other.

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that it is.

Bad things come to those who wait, too.

A little madness now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Hey, you've got a third eye! Uh, never mind... it's just a spot of dirt in the middle of your forehead.

You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, while it does big things badly, does small things badly too.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

I just like to say quark. Quark, quark, quark, quark, quark...

Impressive; but how big's your dick?

I intend to live forever or die trying.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item.

If you can't see the fnords, they can't eat you.

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

First I must sprinkle you with fairy dust...

For further information, consult your pineal gland.

Hellllllooooooooo, Nurse!

If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.

This, too, shall pass.

Strike any user to continue.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

If Goddess had intended humans to smoke, She would have set them on fire.

Profanity: the single language in which all programmers are expert.

Don't panic.

"Interfere? Of course we'll interfere! Always do what you're best at, I always say!" -- Dr. Who Nightmare of Eden

Confidence: a feeling peculiar to the stage just before full comprehension of the problem.

There are trivial truths and there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for a day. But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he'll have headaches for the rest of his life.

What a useless scroll, all it says is "Hastur Hastur Hastur" over and over again.

Great Googly-Moogly!

You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling...

If firelighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crimes, what do freedom fighters do?

I'm here with you because you remind me of you! Your lips, your hair, your eyes, everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good! --- Groucho Marx A Night at the Opera

But then again, the King was a putz.

If you think you know what the Hell is going on, you are probably full of shit. -- R. A. Wilson (maybe)

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that it's easier said that 'it's easier done than said' than it is done, which really proves that it's easier said than done.

Preventative maintenance is the key to any interstellar terrorist campaign! -- Skeletor

If an infinite number of rednecks fired an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they would eventually create all the great works of literature in Braille.

The following statement is true. The preceding statement was false.

Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.

Bullshit makes the flowers grow, and that's beautiful.

Answer hazy. Try again later.

"I hate quotations." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.

The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." -- Neil Armstrong

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? -- Kelvin Throop III

Infinity bottles of beer on the wall Infinity bottles of beer Take one down, pass it around, Infinity bottles of beer on the wall! Repeat until dead

This is a test, it is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, we would have fled in panic, and you would not have been informed.

Q: How many CIA spooks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to change the bulb and one to confuse the issue...

We think all right thinking people in this world are SICK and TIRED of being told that ordinary, decent people are not fed up in this world with being sick and tired. We certainly are. And we're sick and tired of being told that we're not.

Dyslexics Untie!

All generalizations are wrong.

All fanatics must die!!!

Lemon curry?

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

"Uncle Cosmo, why do they call it a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what a food processor does to food, right?" -- MacNelley - Shoe

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do the drive-thru instant teller machines have brail instructions?

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"

Remember: Silly is a state of mind. Stupid is a way of life. -- Dave Butler

Be nice to other people: They outnumber you five billion to one.

"No, 'Eureka' is Greek for 'This bath is too hot.'" -- Dr. Who Talons of Weng-Chiang

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- Rod Serling

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

New Book! The Schizophrenic - An Unauthorized Autobiography

A Discordian is anyone who is willing to look at the windmills and concede that they might be giants.

It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism—to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. --George Ade

Her features did not seem to know the value of teamwork. --George Ade

After shaking hands with a Greek, count your fingers. --Albanian proverb

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded -- dead. --Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. --Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. --Woody Allen

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. --Arabian proverb

The only way to fight a woman is with your hat -- grab it and run. --John Barrymore

Never miss a good chance to shut up. --Scott Beach's grandfather

There aren't very many men, and there aren't very many women, and I tell ya, I hate to see that. It's the fish food. --Captain Beefheart

Virtue is its own punishment. --Aneurin Bevan

Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. --Ambrose Bierce

Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. --Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. --Ambrose Bierce

Year, n. A period of three hundred sixty-five disappointments. --Ambrose Bierce

If a cat spoke, it would say things like "Hey I don't see the problem here." --Roy Blount, Jr.

Grub first, then ethics. --Bertolt Brecht

Capital punishment is either an affront to humanity or a potential parking place. --Larry Brown

The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?" --Larry Brown

The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever. --Herb Caen

There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn. --Albert Camus

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. --Nicholas Chamfort

Time is the principal ingredient in the development of a chronic disease. --E. Cheraskin, M.D.

Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime. The position is undignified, the pleasure momentary, and the consequences utterly damnable. --Lord Chesterfield

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. --G. K. Chesterton

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. --G. K. Chesterton

Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise. --G. K. Chesterton

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it. --G. K. Chesterton

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim that he would not have chosen a suit by it. --Maurice Chevalier

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. --Winston Churchill

No sane man will dance. --Cicero

Every decision you make is a mistake. --Edward Dahlberg

My mother never breast-fed me; she told me she liked me as a friend. --Rodney Dangerfield

Some day we'll look back on this moment and plough into a parked car. --Evan Davis

Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. --R. A. Dickson

My thoughts are my trollops. --Denis Diderot

I hate quotations. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

The more he talked of his honour the faster we counted our spoons. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon. --Susan Ertz

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. --W. C. Fields

I did not say that this meat was tough. I just said I didn't see the horse that usually stands outside. --W. C. Fields

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with. --W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. --W. C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? --W. C. Fields

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol? --W. C. Fields

That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust. --Gustave Flaubert

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. --Redd Foxx

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. --Paul Gauguin

Only the mediocre are always at their best. --Jean Giraudoux

My father was the town drunk, and we lived in Chicago. --George Gobel

If I love you, what business is it of yours? --Johann von Goethe

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. --Samuel Goldwyn

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. --Samuel Goldwyn

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. --Samuel Goldwyn

Don't pay any attention to the critics. Don't even ignore them. --Samuel Goldwyn

In two words: im possible. --Samuel Goldwyn

It is no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be. --Jim Grue

Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly. --Thomas Halliburton

There are more fools in the world than there are people. --Heinrich Heine

I have given a name to my pain, and it is Ouch. --JSH

I'm a dysfunctional libertine. --JSH

Like every man of sense and good feeling, I abominate work. --Aldous Huxley

The only really indecent people are the chaste. --J. K. Huysmans

No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves. --Ed Howe

The reverse side also has a reverse side. --Japanese proverb

The trouble with being punctual is that no one's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. --Garrison Keillor

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. --Soren Kierkegaard

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. --Florynce Kennedy

If there's another way to skin a cat, I don't want to know about it. --Steve Kravitz

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle. --Ring Lardner

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. --Timothy Leary

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age, he had already been dead for a year. --Tom Lehrer

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? --Abraham Lincoln

Living? We'll leave that to the servants. --Phillipe Auguste Villiers de L'Isle-Adam

I have thought too much to stoop to action. --Phillipe Auguste Villiers de L'Isle-Adam

A day without sunshine is like night. --Steve Martin

Any man who says he can see through women is missing a lot. --Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. --Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time someone turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book. --Groucho Marx

"Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give some people. --Tom Masson

Don't be humble. You're not that great. --Golda Meir

It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. --H. L. Mencken

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking. --H. L. Mencken

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H. L. Mencken

Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma. --Bryan Miller

Some people are always late, like the late King George V. --Spike Milligan

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. --Bill Nye

At age fifty, every man has the face he deserves. --George Orwell

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. --Steven Pearl

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. --Steven Pearl

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. --Elvis Presley

Work is for cowards. --U. J. Puckett, pool hustler, at age 76

I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. --Nancy Reagan

I can wait. --Arnold Schoenberg after being told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks. --Eric Sevareid

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, then I thought, what the hell good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. --Ronnie Shakes

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. --G. B. Shaw

If ever I utter an oath again may my soul be blasted to eternal damnation. --G. B. Shaw

My specialty is being right when other people are wrong. --G. B. Shaw

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. --G. B. Shaw

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. --G. B. Shaw

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. --Stuart Smalley

They faced each other in the locker room before they faced each other on the field. --Sports commentator

Thou hast a head, and so hath a pin. --Jonathan Swift

Hated by fools, and fools to hate/Be that my motto and my fate. --Jonathan Swift

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. --Jonathan Swift

May you live all the days of your life. --Jonathan Swift

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. --Lily Tomlin

Assassins! --Arturo Toscanini, to his orchestra

Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. --Mark Twain

Adam came first, but men always do. --Unknown

An evil mind is a constant solace. --Unknown

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. --Paul Valery

The multitude of books is making us ignorant. --Voltaire

Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one. --Voltaire

Men...employ speech only to conceal their thoughts. --Voltaire

If we believe absurdities we will commit atrocities. --Voltaire

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. --Voltaire

I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left. --Voltaire

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darin Weinberg

Gluttony is not a secret vice. --Orson Welles

Of two evils, choose the prettier. --Carolyn Wells

A kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition. --Clare J. Whiting

Only the shallow know themselves. --Oscar Wilde

There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to. --Oscar Wilde

I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated His ability. --Oscar Wilde

There are two ways of disliking poetry: one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. --Oscar Wilde.

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. --Oscar Wilde

The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality. --Oscar Wilde

It is only the intellectually lost who ever argue. --Oscar Wilde

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitution for wit. --Oscar Wilde

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. --Charlotte Whitton

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. --Steven Wright

Honesty is the best image. --Ziggy (Tom Wilson)

You'll be hungry again in an hour. --fortune cookie opened by Ziggy (Tom Wilson)

Life is like high school with money. --Frank Zappa

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry. --Frank Zappa

Thanks to our schools and political leadership, the U.S. has an international reputation as the home of 250 million people dumb enough to buy the Wacky Wall-Walker. --Frank Zappa

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. --Frank Zappa

Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement. --Frank Zappa

Lady Astor: Winston, if I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.

Winston Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

But, but, Mister Colonel-- --Last words of Benito Mussolini, executed 1945

Go away. I'm all right. --Last words of H.G. Wells

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. --Last words of Pancho Villa

Yes, country music. --Last words of Buddy Rich, jazz drummer, when a nurse asked if anything was bothering him

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honour student but you're still an idiot.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Tips For Getting The Most From Your IT Department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.