Richard's Little Boog Of Gags (3)

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

THE FENCE

A guy and his girl are walking home from the bar one night and start screwing up against a fence.

The owner of the house comes out, looks at them and says, "You're gonna pay for that!"

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

AUSTRALIAN POETRY

The finals of the Australian poetry contest last year (2001) came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other finalist was a bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.

The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:

The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

OCTOPUS

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

FALL DOWN DRUNK

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

ALASKA

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fix-it Service and they arrived shortly after.

The service man opened the hood and after a while the repair man said, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

SUCTION

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running in. "Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C!" "Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her."

"Spot on" Jacko said. "While you’re doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits!" "Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad; they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or air conditioner.

PORN SCORE

A starving songwriter/composer in Hollywood is approached by a movie producer and is offered $10,000 to write a soundtrack for a movie. The musician asked what kind of movie however the producer is evasive and said it was just a romance of sorts and that the sound track needed to be about an hour long but he wasn't too picky as long as it sounded ok.

After he delivers the soundtrack to the producer he is disgusted to find out that he has just written the score to a porno film.

About 6 months later the movie comes out at the local porno theatre and the composer decides what the hell and he'll go see it. He dresses up in a long raincoat and hat with dark glasses and sneaks into the theatre. He notices that there is a couple close to him who keep looking at him. He says to them, hey I’m really not a pervert it's just I’m a composer and this producer asked me to write a score for him and he didn't tell me it was a porno movie.

IMPORTANT WOMAN

I'VE LEARNED...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect and teach your children the right way, some other bastard’s kid will eventually corrupt them.

12 INCHES

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING...

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

The co-pilot says to the pilot. Well skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm going check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm going wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."

She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

NAME THE MAN

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

CABBIE

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A PREGNANT WOMAN

A pregnant woman standing in line at the bank is shot in the stomach during a hold-up. Rushed to the hospital, the doctors save her life but do not want to remove the bullets. They tell her the bullets will come out through normal bodily functions. Months later she delivers triplets, two girls and a boy. Thirteen years later one girl runs crying to her mother that something metallic has dropped from her into the toilet. The mother explains that it's a bullet and relates the whole story. A week later the other daughter comes crying with the same story and, again, the mother says it's a bullet and explains the story. A week later the boy comes running and crying. His mother asks, "Did something fall into the toilet?" "Heck no!", he says. "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

PIERRE THE FRENCH PILOT

Pierre, a French fighter pilot takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air so Marie leans over to Pierre and says 'Pierre, kiss me!'

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing Pierre?' She screams. 'Well, my name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!'

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up a bit. So she says 'Pierre, kiss me lower!'

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing!' She shrieks.

'My name is Pierre the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!'

They resume their passionate interlude and things really start to steam up. Marie leans over and whispers in his ear 'Kiss me lower...!'

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, sprinkles it all over her, grabs a match and sets it on fire. 'PIERRE!' She screams, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING!'

HANGING FROM TREE

This undergraduate was very attracted to a charming and delightful woman in one of his classes. She was bright, witty, good-looking, and very friendly. She also was in a wheelchair because she'd lost both legs in an accident. This proved to be no real barrier, however; this was one formidable woman whether she had legs or not. The young man asked her out on a date and she accepted. They had a wonderful evening together, and they were most attracted to one another. When he brought her home, one thing led to another in the seat of the car, but she stopped him just at a crucial moment and said, "Wait, I've got an idea that will make it better for both of us. See that elm tree over there? Let me hang from that lower branch while we do it."

He was amazed not only at her upper body strength, but also at how good the sex was. Afterward, he brought her wheelchair over and gently took her down and wheeled her up to the house. As he was preparing to go, however, he saw her father standing on the porch. "Young man, I want you to know that I saw everything you did with my daughter."

BOY AND DEAD FROG

A 12-year-old boy walked into a whorehouse carrying a dead frog. He walked up to the Madame on the door and said 'I want a prostitute.'

'I'm sorry,' said the woman, 'but I couldn't let someone of your age in here.' The boy got $100 out of his pocket and slammed it down on the desk. 'No problem, sir.' Said the woman. 'Who would you like?'

'I'd like a prostitute with Thrush, syphilis, crabs and Aids.' said the boy. 'Sorry,' said the woman, 'but I run a quality establishment and all my girls are very clean. We don't have any girls with any diseases'. The boy got out another $100, and slammed that down on the desk.

Fifteen minutes later the boy came back downstairs, and just as he was about to leave the woman called him over. 'You must tell me why you've come in here with a dead frog and had sex with a prostitute who has all those diseases.'

'Well,' said the boy, 'I have just had sex with Dirty Diedrie, so I've caught them. I'll now go home and have sex with the babysitter, so she'll catch them. She'll have sex with my Dad when he takes her home and he'll get them. When my dad gets home he'll have sex with my Mother and she'll get them. Then tomorrow morning my Mother will have sex with the milkman. And he's the bastard who ran over my frog.'

THE DEAD IRISHMAN

Three Irishmen worked in the Guinness brewery, when one day one of them fell in one of the vats and drowned. It was up to the other men to tell his wife what had happened.

They went to his house, and his wife invited them in. They sat her down, and told her how her husband had drowned after falling into the big vat of Guinness.

THE THREE LEGGED CHICKEN

A man was driving down the motorway one day, when he looked into his rear view mirror and saw a three-legged chicken running along behind him. Not before long the three legged chicken was running along beside him.

Not wanting to be slower than a chicken the man put his foot on the accelerator pedal and sped up to 80m.p.h. He looked out his window and the chicken was still there. He accelerated again, up to 110m.p.h, but the chicken was still there. He put his foot hard down on the pedal and reached almost 140m.p.h, but still the chicken was running along side him, not even out of breath.

Very soon the chicken overtook him, and was almost 50 metres in front of the car when it took a sharp turn down a side road. It was too late for the driver to break and follow him, so he carried on to the next turning, turned around, and went down the side road. He was determined to discover the origin of this three-legged chicken.

After about five minutes the road came to an end at a small farm. Leaning over the gate was a farmer. The man got out of his car and went up to the farmer.

'Well' said the farmer, 'I like a leg. My wife likes a leg, and my son likes a leg.'

TEENAGER IN LOVE

A teenager walked into the chemist shop to buy condoms for the first time. He was going to have sex with his girlfriend for the first time. He walked up to the counter, and after a few minutes of small talk he finally picked up the courage to ask which ones he should buy. He explained to the shopkeeper about his girlfriend and it was to be their first time. Eventually the shopkeeper gave him the ones he wanted and the teenager left.

Later that night he arrived at his girlfriend's house. She explained that they were to have dinner with her parents before they went out. He sat at the table and, opposite her parents and they began to eat.

'Before we start' said the teenager, 'we must bless the food that we are about to eat.

'Now we must bless the knives and forks that we are to use when eating the food'

Again, they blessed the food. As the dinner progressed the teenager blessed the table, the family, their daughter, the plates, the desert, the coffee, the candles, the napkins and everything else.

Just as the parents left the table, the daughter leaned over the table and said to the teenager:

TAMPONS

A man walked into a chemist shop and walked up to the counter. He asked the man serving where the tampons were, and he was directed to the rear of the shop.

The man walked in that direction, and several minutes later he returned to the counter with a packet of tissues and some cotton buds.

A PRISON JOKE

A man went to prison for the first time. He was in a cell with another man, and just as the lights were turned out in the evening he heard somebody from another cell shout out 'THIRTY-ONE!'.

All of a sudden everybody in the cellblock burst out with laughter. Then another voice shouted 'FIFTY-SIX!’ Again everybody burst out with laughter.

The man was puzzled as to what was going on, so he turned to his cell mate and asked: 'Why is it, when somebody shouts out a number, everybody bursts out with laughter?'

His cellmate replied: 'well, you see, down in the prison library we have a joke book that contains every joke ever told. And we've all been in here so long we've all memorised all the jokes. So now, when anybody wants to tell a joke, they just have to shout out the page number from the book.'

The man thought about this and decided that he would have a look at this book. So the next day he went down to the prison library and read a few pages. He wrote down the numbers on a bit of paper because they were so good he wanted to tell them to the others later.

That night, after lights out he shouted out 'SEVENTY-SIX'. He waited for laughter but there wasn't any. He tried another one. 'TWENTY'.

Again silence. He couldn't understand why nobody was laughing. He asked his cell mate 'Why is nobody laughing?'

THREE TRAMPS

Late one cold winter night three homeless men huddled together for a little warmth. In the morning the man on the right said: 'I had a strange dream last nigh. I dreamt that somebody was pulling my penis.'

PUMPKIN

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least he thought there wasn’t," he stated in a phone interview.

He went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, He apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until the woman officer approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said the officer. "I walked up to him and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

She went on to describe what happened when she approached him. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

WHAT THE STARS SAY

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."-- Sharon Stone

“Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -- Roseanne

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the Problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman

MISTER RABBIT

One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint and says "giraffe giraffe! why do you smoke puff? come run with me and get fit instead" so the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit . Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror . The rabbit says "elephant elephant. why do you do drugs? come run with us instead and get fit ." so the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack "lion lion" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? come run with us instead." The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "no!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "why did you do that? all he was trying to do was to help you out!" The Lion says "Fucking rabbit always makes me run around this wanky forest when he's done a few pills."

VIENS A MOI

2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

REVENGE IS SWEET

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families

THE HIPPIE AND THE NUN

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you. The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver guy, you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, I'm the hippie!! The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!

WHICH ONE TO MARRY

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

7 DWARVES

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door.

So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door.

So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers.

The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!"

WILL HE JUMP?

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The situation cut to a commercial.

Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."

PEACHES FOR SALE

Two men were driving down the road when a sign appeared to them advertising 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!!'.! So the two men looked at each other wondering, a peach is a peach, how else would they come? So they decided that they were going to check this place out. When they arrived at the place an old farmer came out of the shed asking how he could help the two young men. Immediately one of the men asked about the sign advertising the peaches any way you liked them. The old farmer asked the first young man what his favourite kind of food was and he said that he absolutely loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

So the farmer goes in his shed and gives the man a peach and tells him to take a large bite out of it.

When the young man did so, he exclaimed, "WOW! This tastes just like peanut butter!" The old man told him to turn it around and taste the other side.

"WOW!", the young man said, "This tastes just like peach jelly!!!" The farmer looked pleased with himself and he turned to the other young man.

"So what's your favorite kind of food?" Well, this took him quite a bit longer to decide because he was so amazed by this creation. Then he finally looked at the farmer with a big grin and replied,

"Let's just see if you have this kind of peach in store. I would have to say pussy, pussy is my FAVORITE kind of food!!"

So the farmer smiled and went into the shed and brought out another peach and gave it to the young man. The man took a large bite out of the peach waiting to savour the taste and right when he did so, he shouted in disgust,

NAKED WIFE

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

TWO HORSES

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

WAITING FOR PERFECTION