Richard's Little Boog Of Gags (5)

We've all heard the phrase: " You learn something new everyday" Well, here's today's lesson: Think before you speak! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

YOU’RE TOO MUCH INTO TECHNOLOGY WHEN

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to Send your father a birthday card.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

YOU ARE TOO DRUNK WHEN

19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen

20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

WHAT IT MEANS WHEN HE SAYS

"I'M GOING FISHING" - Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" - Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR" - Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" - Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." - Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." - Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." - Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." - Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." - Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." - Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." - Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"I HEARD YOU." - Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." - Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." - Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." - Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

THREE TURTLES

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, and so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not fucking going.'

FRANKFURT AIR TRAFFIC

They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

A VAMPIRE BAT

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me" , he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

UNITED AIRLINES

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, Fuck you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

IRELANDS Y2K STATEMENT

"Our staff have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every programme in every system. We have analysed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programmes and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.

CROCODILES

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" says the rich guy. "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls."

CUSSING PARROT

There was this parrot that lived in a monastery and enjoyed cursing. Each time he cursed the monk would threaten to punish him. One day when the old monk passed by the parrot screamed, "Fuck You!"

Angry, the monk grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer for 5 minutes. When he was released, the tropical bird swore that he would never do it again.

A couple of days had passed; the bird couldn't hold it in any longer and started to curse at a group of monks passing by. Embarrassed in front of his colleagues, the monk shoved the bird in the freezer again, this time for an hour. When he was released, the bird swore that he had really learned his lesson.

A week later, the monk walked up to the bird and reminded him of his promise. The monk said that a high priest was coming for a visit and the bird ought to be on his best behaviour. The parrot agreed. But when the parrot saw the high priest with a shining baldhead, the bird had to make a comment, "Ha-ha-ha! Look at that bald dickhead! Fuck You! Fuck You!"

The monk rushed forward and shoved the animal in the freezer. Three hours later he was released.

"BBBBBefore IIIIII answer that, may, may I ask youuuuu something?" responded the frozen bird.

LUCKY FROG

A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

DENTIST

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says, "Yes, how did you figure that out?" The girl says "Easy! You keep washing your hands!"

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

A DUCK TALE

A man has three sons and he gives them each a duck to go and sell. After about 5 hours the three boys return, and the father asks how they went.

The first boy says "I got 20 bucks for my duck" "that's great" the father replies.

The second boy says " I got 50 bucks for mine" "that's even better" says the father.

Then the third boy says "well I got 100 bucks for mine" and the father says "fucking hell how did you get that much?"

"Well" replies the boy "I was walking down the street and I came across a prostitute and she said that she would give me a fuck for the duck. When we were done she said I was so good that she would give me the duck back for another root. After we were done I was walking down the street and the duck jumped out of my hands and run onto the road, and SPLAT it got hit by a truck. The truck driver stopped and said he was real sorry and gave me 100 bucks for killing the duck. So I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 100 bucks for a fucked up duck."

ABORIGINAL

An aboriginal walked into the local unemployment office, marched straight up to the counter and said "G'day mate, I'm lookin' for a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

A GOOD READ

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

TWILIGHT SEX

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.

SUPPOSITORY

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

FIRMING UP

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

PASTOR FUZZ

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

PARKING TICKET

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a goddamn parking officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!! So I called him a horse fucker.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

10 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.

2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

GOLDEN AXE

A little boy was taking a shower with his mother and he looks between her legs and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "Well honey", she replied, "that's where God touched me with a Golden Axe." The little boy then said, "OUCH!!! Smacked right in the cunt with a Golden Axe! Didn't that hurt?"

CHRISTMAS

It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten.

The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie-Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?"

URINAL ASSISTANCE

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

WE ARE F*%KED UP AS A RACE

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: .."You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (is this the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:Defrost.".(that's just a suggestion!).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body.".(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (...We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only.".(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use" (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

ESSEX GIRLS (1)

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.

ESSEX GIRLS (2)

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

ESSEX GIRLS (3)

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.

She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."

URBAN MYTH OR FACT?

Here is an honest-to-God one from Albuquerque: A convict escaped during local transport. Unfortunately the handcuffs were constraining him so he went to the railroad tracks with the intention of letting the train cut the handcuffs off. Good and bad luck happened by with the train. The handcuffs were cut off but his arm came off too. He staggered into the parking lot of the Ice House (local strip joint) where he and his arm were taken into custody!

STUPIDITY AWARD GOES TO . . .

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

4. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

5. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

6. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

7. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

8. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. Duh!

9. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.

2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!