Richard's Little Boog Of Gags (6)

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and go to bed.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together afterwards, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "How was it for you?"

He replies, " Just take a prize from the bottom shelf".

ENGLISH SIGNS:

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Cooles and heates: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

POLICE DOG

A man was walking his dog one day, when he decided to stop in at a bar and have a few. He was in there enjoying some beers, then a Police officer strolled in and asked who's dog that was tied up out front.

The man said, "its mine". Well the cop replied " did you know your dog is in heat" The man said " na, I tied her up in the shade" the cop said " no I mean she needs to be bred" ."no", replied the man " fed her before I left home" "No asshole" the cop said " she needs to be fucked"

Then the man replied, " Go ahead, I always wanted a police dog"

PEANUT IN EAR

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign."

The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you sign, you sign."

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name."

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?

A REALLY BIG JIGSAW PUZZLE

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

ISOLATION

Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years in Chicago, and is finally sick of the stress. He quit his job, and bought 50 acres of land in the mountains as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week, and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and there is a big bearded mountain man standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great !" says Dick. "After six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank You."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn ya', there's gonna' be some drinkin."

"Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonn'a be some fightin' too."

Damn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too!"

"Now, that's NOT a problem!" says Dick. "Remember, I've been alone for six months now. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear ?"

Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

FUNERAL

A man was leaving a Coffee shop with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking in single file.

The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied: "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

The man answered: "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

PET FROG

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive,"

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.Would you like to see it?"

The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit sceptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.

The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.

The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"

RADAR HAZARD

A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.

Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour.

The £5000 machine then seized up and could not be re-set by the bemused PC`s. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland.

Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched.

The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future.

SMOKING NUNS

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvellous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist.” What can I do for you today?"

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,” How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box."

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice,” Sister, what size condoms would you like-we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"

CHICKEN AND EGG

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!”

A POLITICALLY INCORRECT RACIST JOKE

A Pakistani dies & goes to heaven. He knocks on the Pearly Gates, and God opens them. The Pakistani says to God "I've come for Jesus." God turns around, and calls out "Jesus, minicab for you."

PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look n it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

IRISH CONFESSION

A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession. "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Fanny Green."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one 'Our Father.'" The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?"

The man leaves. Soon, another man enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Fanny Green?" "Just a woman I know, Father." "Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Marys.'" The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green patent leather shoes with sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy.

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

BUNKING OFF WORK

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed.

"I almost got caught yesterday!"

PAINTING THE HOUSE

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colours she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream colour."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose colour.

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the colour I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street."

FIX THE FRIDGE

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

AN ENGLISHMAN AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN (1)

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

AN ENGLISHMAN AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN (2)

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says, " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a knob"

VICES AND LONGEVITY

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of cocaine a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."

FACELIFT

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the salesgirl,

"I'm actually 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question.

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 50!" Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus to get home, she asks an elderly man the same question. The elderly man replied,

"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your blouse. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man puts both his hands up her blouse and begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough, how old am I?"

He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 50." Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in the queue in McDonalds!"

GLASS EYE

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies... You just happened to catch my eye."

SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE NINETIES

You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

Even worse, you're going to forward it.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN....

6) You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

10) You need 1 more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House-O-Tattoos.

11) You use toilet paper as your tampons.

YET MORE ADAGES

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself, unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I honour my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step- blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

A FROG IN A BANK

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is 'Patricia Whack'.

"Kermit Jagger" replies the frog " Son of Mick Jagger - It's OK – I know the bank manager personally."

The frog says "Sure, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult the manager and disappears into the back office. She finds the bank manager and says " There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

TWO COWS

Traditional capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

An American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Another American Corporation: You have two cows. You want to have a thousand and two cows. Your accountant shreds the cow records. You have two thousand and two cows. You sell futures on their milk production. Your production inexplicably collapses to that of two cows. You pay yourself a massive bonus.

A South African Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A South African Parastatal: You have two cows. You sell them and buy a Mercedes.

A South African Diary: You have two cows. The government forces you to replace them with two bulls.

A Zimbabwean Corporation: You have no cows. You take the farmer's two cows. You eat them. You have no cows.

A Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

A German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

An Italian Corporation: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

A Chinese Corporation: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

An Israeli Corporation: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

An Australian Corporation: You have two cows. The one on the left looking sheepish is kinda cute.

A Cuban Corporation: You have two pigs. Your president calls them cows. You have two cows.

A Few Good Lawyers

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

THE SENSITIVE MAN.