Richard's Little Boog Of Gags (7)

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my Bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't Want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken, and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault to avoid further misunderstandings.

TWO ARABS

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." ...There's a pause...

CHINESE IN AUSTRALIA

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbour, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face. The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

SLAP 'EM AROUND

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

WAITING FOR A BUS

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step on to the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and, for a second time, attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, the big Texan behind her in line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the top step of the bus. She went absolutely ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him.

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well Ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

WAYNE CAREY

Gary Ayres noticed that his star player, Wayne Carey, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day, after practice, Ayres asked Wayne, "Just what the hell is your secret with the women?"

So Carey replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

Ayres decided that this was a good idea so one day he left training early. When he got home he heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

MICK MALTHOUSE, NATHAN BUCKLEY AND EDDIE MAGUIRE

Mick Malthouse, Nathan Buckley and Eddie Maguire go out for dinner one evening but are involved in a car accident and are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them, and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Mick looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe in giving peace a chance. That beauty is something deep within the soul, and there is nothing beyond our reach if you work hard enough for what you believe in."

God looks up, and offers Mick the seat to his left. He then turns to Nathan. "And you, Mr Buckley. What do you believe?"

Nathan stands tall and proud. "I believe courage, honour, and passion are the fundamentals to life, and I've spent my whole sporting career providing a living embodiment of these traits, particularly passion!!"

ONLY IN AFRICA

An ant and a grasshopper live in the same field. During summer, the ant works all day and night bringing in supplies for winter and he prepares his home to keep him warm during the cold months ahead.

Meanwhile the grasshopper hops and sings, eats all the grass he wants and he procreates.

Come winter, the grass dies and it is bitterly cold. The ant is well fed and warm in his house, but the grasshopper has not prepared for the winter so he dies leaving a whole hoard of little grasshoppers without food or shelter.

The moral of this story is that one should work hard enough to ensure that you can take care of yourself and those you bring to being.

The first part of the story is the same, but because it happens in Africa, there are a few complications. The starving shivering offspring of the grasshopper demand to know why the ants should be allowed to be warm and well fed while next door they are living in terrible conditions without food or clothing.

A TV crew shows up and broadcasts footage of the poor grasshopper and contrasts this with footage of the ant snug in his home with a pantry full of food. The public is stunned. How can it be, that in this fertile field the poor grasshopper can suffer while the ant lives in the lap of luxury.

In a blink of the eye, the AGU (African Grasshopper union) is formed, with foreign aid. They charge the ant with "species bias" and claim that the grasshoppers are victims of generations of green oppression. They stage a protest in front of the ant's house and trash the street.

The TV crew interviews them and they state that if their demands are not met, they will be forced into a life of crime. Just for practice, they loot and rape the TV crew and highjack their van. The TRC, Take and Redistribute Commission, (Truth and reconciliation commission), justifies this behaviour by saying that this is the legacy of the ant's discrimination against the grasshopper. They demand that the ant apologise to the grasshopper for what he has done, and that he make amends for the other ants in history that have done the same things to grasshoppers. PAGAD, People Against Grasshopper Abuse and Distress state that they are starting a holy war against ants. The President appears on the 8pm news and says that he will do everything he can for the grasshoppers who have been denied the prosperity they deserve from living in the fertile field.

The Government drafts the EEGAD act, Economic Equity for Greens and Disadvantaged, and retroactively fines the ant for failing to employ a proportionate number of greens. Having nothing left to pay redistribution taxes, his home is expropriated. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing off the last of the ants’ food while the house he is in, once the ant's house, crumbles around him through lack of maintenance.

THIS IS A SINGLES AD WHICH APPEARED IN A LOCAL PAPER:

"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."

The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.

TRAIN RIDE

In a train car there was an Australian, a Kiwi, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Kiwi had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1. The blonde thought - "That Kiwi son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Kiwi laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3. The Kiwi thought - "That fucking Australian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

CONFESSIONAL

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

TWO COWBOYS

Two cowboys from Goondawindi walk into a pub to wash the dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices in the drought.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between the woman's bum-cheeks. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.

WOMAN

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?

WATER

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population)

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminium foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

CONTAGIOUS

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try"? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says here's a bug going round, and it's contagious". "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

AT THE BARBERS

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

SHOT HER FINGER OFF

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

TALKING DOG FOR SALE

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a fucking liar!!"

BROKER TO SCHOOL

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hotshot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."

The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.

MUTE SON

A man and woman got married and had a little boy who was very healthy, but as he got older his parents noticed that he never spoke.

This concerned his parents greatly. They took their son to several doctors who ran series of tests and told them that the boy was perfectly healthy but would probably never speak. Resigned, the parent took their son home and did everything in their power to keep him happy. One night seven years later while eating dinner, the little boy looked up from his plate and said in a clear voice, "These peas are cold."

Overjoyed, his parents celebrated and hugged and kissed him. "Oh," they said. "We're so happy. We thought you couldn't speak. Why haven't you spoken until now?"

A VISIT TO THE POPE

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news."

PLAYING GOLF

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some panties".

Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Bejasus woman. You've no knickers - why not"?

She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any". He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some!".

Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me".

DARWIN AWARDS 2002

Yes, the one we've all been waiting for... the Darwin Awards 2002. The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again.

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head-first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October,a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100- foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

1. In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

A GREEK MARRIAGE

A young virgin marries a Greek man. Just before the wedding, her father tells her that being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn over for love making one day. If she doesn't want to do it that way he tells her, she doesn't have to. Sure enough, after a couple of months her husband asks her to turn over for sex. "No way," the girl protested.

SOME QUICKIES

Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

DEATH BED

An old man on his deathbed summons all three of his sons to his bedside. When they arrive, he looks at them all over and says

He looks at his eldest son and says "YOU, YOU WERE NEVER GOOD AS A SON. ALL YOU WERE EVER INTERESTED WAS IN GARDENING AND EVEN MARRIED A GIRL CALLED ROSE, NOW GET OUT OF HERE"

He looks at his middle son and says "YOU, YOU WERE NEVER GOOD AS A SON EITHER. ALL YOU WERE EVER INTERESTED WAS IN MONEY AND EVEN MARRIED A GIRL CALLED PENNY, NOW GET HELL OUT OF HERE"

DEFINITION OF BARBECUING.

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

A TRAIN STORY

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

A BIG ELEPHANT

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.

"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"

DIRTY BALLS

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something."

She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my arse!"

MOTHS

The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed. Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman cocked her ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom", she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to receive you" she replied with a wink and a smile.

"Great" he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."

She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?"

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths" the lover replied.

TWENTY POUND NOTE

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a 20 note in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone else threw up on you and gave you £20 for the dry cleaning bill."

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting,".

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He was very sorry and he gave me 20 for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

BARS OF SOAP