On Women                   (has replies - see end of rant.)

So I set out to do some research. Wow! What a word. Sounds real important? Nah, I just sat back and watched that increasingly strange gender and its habits. I used to be confused by their unique application of logic and its effects but now I realize that it is simply not within the male grasp of things to ever rise to this level of understanding.

For the record, I have been married twice and completely failed to understand either partner. I always employ the principle "If this person was a male would I say or do this to him?" and if the answer turned out to be no then I could see no reason to pursue an emotional response any other way. Ok, ok I'm not talking about sex, ok? Things get very gray once that little variable enters the equation. But it is balanced on both sides since sex throws women into an equal paradox with their views. Let just call it a "Time out" from the rules and see it as time when rules don't apply. In fact the less rules you have in this time period the better it is for both partners (or however many are involved).

So what have I learned? The first thing I learned is that their rules don't transpose into the male domain AT ALL. Second thing I learned is that they are pack animal and we are lone wolves (I am the 56th, for those who are interested). Need some clarification and examples?

Go into a bar. Sit at the bar, order a beer, then turn to the guy next to you (usually a trucker or lumber jack) and say, "What a delightful shirt you have on, where did you purchase it?" Now one of three things will happen: You are an extremely fast runner and escape but can never visit that town again; you're not and end up as goo on the walls; you're right out of luck and he purses his lips and says "Well hello!" I mean no offence to the gay community here, I just don't subscribe to your publication, that's all. But women do this all the time. What a gorgeous dress, where DO you get your hair done? Do you have a spare tampon on you? Never EVER EVER have I heard those expressions as conversation openers in male company.

Second example. This usually takes place in a restaurant where two or more couples are eating in company. Have you EVER heard one straight man say to another "Shall we adjourn to the bathroom?" Nah, me neither. In fact if one guy goes to the head the other will ALWAYS wait for his return, even if it means pissing in his pants. But the women, they all go together. What the fuck do they do that needs group involvement? If you have a female perspective on this then email me and I'll publish the answer. It's bugging the hell out of me.

In a similar vein, I have to retell a tale from a friend of mine. His name is Bob and he's American (slow up, it's ok because he drinks Latrobe Rolling Rock – have I ever mentioned that it's the best beer in the known universe?). He tells me of a time when his ….er ..wife is too strong a word (no offence Paula), whatever, was entertaining some of her friends and needed to answer the inevitable call of nature. What do guys do? "Need to take a piss, deal the next hand without me." She goes "I'll leave the door open so we can continue this conversation!!!!" Well I don't know about you and your friends, but there is a real reason for the lock on the inside of the toilet. Can you imagine what would happen if you announced to your drinking buddies, "I'm going to take a dump now and I'll leave the door open!"?

COULD YOU HEAR IS IN THERE, BUDDY? WE COULD SURE SMELL YOU OUT HERE!

Example three. You're sat at your favorite bar after work with a few work mates. Have you EVER turned to them and said, "Shall we go look at shoes? I hear there there's a sale on at (wherever). There's a real deal on loafers." More goo on the walls. This time from people you liked.

Now, I'm not talking about the weird way in which the two genders interact. The known availability of web space is insufficient to do THAT subject credit. I'm just talking about the differences in interaction between members of your own gender. Is there a point to this? I don't know, probably not. It's just an observation that intrigues me. I am definitely still in the dark on this one. I would welcome a female perspective on this. Email me. If you want it published anonymously that's ok by me too.

Lets get the facts straight, I was entertaining some gal friends and one of them had the urge to go. Rather than interrupt a great conversation, she preferred to continue it from her new location, which just happened to be the bathroom, nothing wrong with that. Let me add the following: Women DO go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. The reason why we do this (allow me to dismistify the subject), is not, I repeat NOT that we are closet Lesbians.

Although that may appeal to men's fantasies, this is really not our thing. We don't go there to compare sizes or discuss politics (although some heated political statements have been made at those locations). Rather, guys beware, we go there to talk about you. We compare notes on the progress of the evening, we determine amongst ourselves whether our date/boyfriend/husband/whatever is behaving like an a..hole (men do you know) and ultimately it's in the bathroom that a determination is made on whether or not your evening will end with a smile or a mighty kick in the ass. We may discuss other matters which are pertinent exclusively to women, the concept of which would totally escape the male of the species an is therefore off limits.        

First, on getting the facts straight. Paula misses the point COMPLETELY and right off the bat... "she preferred to continue it from her new location which just happened to be the bathroom, nothing wrong with that". End of Argument!!! Her last sentence is off as well... It is the ENTIRE concept of the tandem toilet trip that, regardless of the discussions occurring therein, that totally escapes males. The rest of the paragraph is just gratuitous furbelow.

( I will also refute her general assertion that they are not closet Lesbians ( hey, a guy can dream, can't he? ), but will accept, on principle, that they discuss their date/boyfriend/husband/whatever, having been on the loosing end of a bathroom decision a few times myself. There is also the fact that the bathroom in question in the example above happens to be the half-bath on the main living floor of our house and anyone's business in there is pretty much open to the ENTIRE floor even WITHOUT the door open ! You've been warned! )

But, I digress! The real test of leaving the bathroom door open is when the occupant discovers, at a late date in process, that the previous occupant used the last of the paper and didn't replace the roll ( and this will probably be blamed on a guy anyway, so live with it! ). Now, a woman will have no problem calling out to her friends, "Could someone please bring me a new roll?", and will not only have a new roll delivered, but unwrapped and placed onto the holder for them. If there happens to be no replacement roll, a clean, damp washcloth and clean, dry towel would be presented with profuse apologies, and a run to the store for a new 16 roll pack would ensue ( probably with a stop for shoes or something as well ! )

Guys... If by some complete and TOTAL misfiring of the brain synapses the words, "Could someone please bring me a new roll?", should somehow break through the shriveled vocal cords, clenched jaw, cracking teeth, and sew-together lips of your cold, dead body, and be heard by the guys in another room, how soon do you think a new roll would appear? And, what, pray-tell, do you think might just how up instead of the requested roll? Point made.

In a parallel matter, if a woman is using the "powder" room at a gathering of ladies at a friend's house and there is such a release of air pressure that it reverberates through the house so loud a bull moose in the deepest reaches of the great wilderness gets a hard-on and packs off to find his new love, there will be absolutely NO mention of this transgression by any of the girls sitting a few meters down the hall, no matter how red and irritated their eyes and lungs are.

On the other hand, a guy goes out onto a deserted ice flow in the North Atlantic. He digs a hole 10m by 10m by 100m down. Lines it with a 4m of foam insulation. Climbs in with a case of R.R. (Latrobe's Finest, of course ), carton of smokes, a couple of magazines of choice and enough of the afore mentioned toilet paper to handle the job, then pulls the ice back down on top of him, and there is even the SLIGHTEST expulsion? When he finally climbs out of that hole, you can bet there will be at least three freighters, a couple of pleasure liners and a Baker's dozen Coast Guard rescue cutters on hand to give him shit about it! Oh, and throw in one of those freak Greenpeace yachts to file grievances on behalf of every ( once ) living thing within 2000k of the blast site!

 Indeed Richard you asked for an explanation and ended up with a dissertation from a moron. After reading the above, makes me wonder who it is I have been sleeping with for the past 8 1/2 years? This is not the BOB I know, my Bob is boob, this guy, although ignorant, has a sense of humor maybe, in future, I should request that all our discussions be in writing.