Chapter Four - Floored Princess



After a while, all diamond chandeliers look alike. Is beauty like topaz, tedious and commonplace? No, surely not tedious. If she stayed this beautiful eternally, my love would be everlasting. But I wish to God it were commonplace. Then she could not fetter my heart.
 I came across yet another ballroom, for some reason ironically called ‘Lost Time’. This one had Rococo mirrored walls and eight chandeliers, all hung with the finest cut and blended diamonds of white, yellow, and blue that reflected shifting, sparkling beams off the mirrors and danced like invisible fairies over the Rococo gilding on the ceiling. Yes, and here was the answer to my recent question. Beauty was infinite. But my patience wasn’t. I was lost again. The trouble was that the soft invading thoughts of Topaz, the stunning palace and the conversation I had overheard at ‘Gossips’ Corner’ diverted my attention from navigation, and my God, you had to be Columbus to find the Queen’s apartments. And then, like speeding rocks on this ocean of space, dashing and approaching from every angle were flunkies, midgets, and Jokers, to attend the high card nobility.
I checked a long-case clock at the end of the ballroom. It was past ten. I was late! Late for the Queen! A bloody Two Club! I ran, and a protruding nail in my old boots, caused by the fight, dug into my feet, so I limped, on and on along those endless corridors, panting and cursing. She would have me hung for my impertinence! I increased my speed in spite of the pain in my foot, better that than my neck! Around one corner, skidding on my old and holey soles, then another. Suddenly with a thump and flash of colour I was colliding with…well it was all happening so fast but I’m sure it was a woman, she was soft and light and I knocked her flying backwards so she landed on her back with a thump and sigh of chemise and petticoats, flowing velvets and silks. We went sliding along the marble floor until we collided against the immovable trunks of male legs.
I looked up. Staring down at me, hands on hips, was Prince Victor. On each side of him was the host, the Diamond Prince David, the Club Prince John, the Heart Prince Montague, all courting… I looked down.  It was Princess Topaz, the cynosure of all the men at court.
Two terrors, one her beauty, I was lying on her beauty. It was like facing a leap of death, that power, that terror. If only I could relieve the tension by coming into her startled sky-blue eyes, now livid, staring into mine. The other terror above. It was one thing to be at the mercy of my arch-enemy Prince Victor, but I had thumped into their royal legs as if playing very high-class bowls. Yet the worst enemy was myself, for I did not want to move off her.
‘Get off me, you oaf!’ she shouted deafeningly, so close to my ear. There was a sudden, jolting pain in my left side as Prince Victor kicked me hard in the ribs.
‘I will end his stupid life now, Topaz, it is just a menial task to kill a Two Club.’
To my great relief, I recognized the smooth voice of Sir Isaac. ‘Allow me to introduce master Jeffery Lock Two Club, ma’am,’ he said in a pleasant and charming manner, as if at a vicar’s tea party, while pulling and lifting me off Topaz. I began to rise, but Sir Isaac, now wearing his yellow silk mask, placed his hand on my shoulder, to keep me on my knees. I dutifully bowed my head. ‘A thousand pardons, your majesty…’ I stuttered, and looked up, uncertain how to address so many royals. ‘And your alliance of noble guests, Ma’am,’ I pleaded, looking into her lovely blue eyes as two burly footmen rushed forward to help her up. Only in the unexpected moment of flying backwards did Topaz lose her feline grace; now, as she brushed herself down with her gloves, every move was perfect grace and harmony.  She looked up critically into my eyes. ‘Faith, Jeffrey Two Club, I know you desire me but do not come in such a rush.’ Except for Prince Victor, they all laughed politely behind coy hands and fans and applauded with dainty reserve. Suddenly, Prince Victor struck me with the back of his hand. I reeled, and would have fallen backward, off my knees, if Sir Isaac had not kept a strong hand on my shoulder. My face stung, my head swam. Prince Victor, this time, raised a clenched fist. ‘Enough, I pray…’ Topaz began to say.  I saw another lady, the Club Princess Collette, a pretty slight young woman with long red hair. I just caught the humorous sparkle in her eyes and a smile before I hung my head again. I waited wincing for the blow, this would really hurt and probably knock me out. 
I stayed on my knees, or rather Sir Isaac’s hand stayed on my shoulder. I was glad of this humble bow, it meant I did not have to look up. Oh sweet Mary and Jesus! I was in trouble. My first day in court, and I had been in a fight, late for the Queen, and now I had knocked down Topaz, the Diamond Princess. ‘I will take this imbecile Two Club back to my club in Spadeland, and sharpen my blade on his backbone, sweet Topaz.’ I looked up to glare at Prince Victor. To my surprise, Princess Collette, who was delicately holding off Prince Victor’s fist, moved elegantly in front of him and while holding the hand of Topaz, came to my rescue.
‘How can you be so cruel, Prince Victor. It was an accident, yes a catastrophic accident…’ she put her index finger under my chin and looked into my eyes. ‘Why, he is so like me. Almost as pretty and twice as clumsy.’  With that she stepped backwards and clumsily stood on Prince Victor’s toes. He gave out a yelp and hopped backwards. Princess Collette rushed after him with abject apologies while placing a very quick foot behind his only remaining leg so he fell backwards with a crash that seemed to shake the floor. Although she made it look like an accident, this was obviously a deliberate diversion from me. The last opportunity she took while rushing after Prince Victor, blurting out profuse reparation, was to step on his open crotch. This time he let out a roar of pain. From that moment I vowed she would be a friend for life. I glanced at Princess Topaz, she was turning her head away, trying to hide a very broad smile. I noticed, too, all the others were smiling, including Sir Isaac. Obviously not a popular man, Victor was tolerated because he was a prince in a high and powerful suit. To my surprise the only prince who was not amused was my Club Prince John.  He rushed forward with the host, the Diamond Prince David, to help the wincing Prince Victor to his sagging feet. Princess Collette offered a helping hand, so  convincingly concerned, but Prince Victor raised his hand and shrank away from her. Prince John, while helping up Prince Victor, glared at me. ‘My dear Princess Topaz, let me take him caged back to Clubland. The deer are short this season from excessive forestation. I will have him de-robed of his rags and send him off ahead. Prince Victor and I will hunt him down, it will make good sport.’ 
So much for my Club prince’s protection. Incredible, I was up to my chin in silage, and I still couldn’t take my eyes off Topaz. In fact all eyes waited on Topaz. My fate and life were in her hands again. She seemed to delight in such attention, and deliberated for some time until those eyes were on mine again. ‘Were you running away or running to?’ Without thinking. I answered flippantly. ‘If I knew your perfect grace was here I would not be running away, ma’am.’
They all stared at me with surprise except Sir Isaac, who was still standing by my side, but I felt his hands stiffen as he squeezed my shoulder. ‘Damned impertinence!’ all the men said in unison. But to my secret amusement the princess smiled. ‘No,’ Princess Topaz said in an amused but scolding voice.  ‘What were you running to that occasioned such recklessness?’ ‘The Queen, Ma’am.’ She looked a little irritated. ‘Bless me, so many men seemed to be running to her!’ ‘To change her locks, Ma’am,’ I added quickly. ‘That won’t keep them away,’ Princess Collette cracked, giggling. Topaz turned and gave her a playful slap on the arm. They were obviously friends.
I had to do some grovelling. ‘Please ma’am, I beg of you forgive me, you are, thank God, undamaged, but this terrible assault on your beauty will forever plague my memory. I do…do… do humbly…’ Impediment and bad prose, but there had been no censure in her sweet voice. She smiled again. What a favour to my eyes.
‘Sir Isaac, he wears your crest about his head, can the man not even stand without your support. Let the poor boy off his knees before he insults me with a proposal.’
Sir Isaac nodded respectfully, and with an esoteric squeeze of my shoulder let go.  Prince Victor and Prince John grumbled disapprovingly.
‘Oh by my Trump! What a card this day is.’ It was the Heart Prince Montague stroking the top of his pink cane, which I noticed above the silver ferrule, was a bending female bottom. ‘Our dear Princess of aspiration assailed by a rampant and lusting Two Club urchin.’ I thought that rather hypocritical coming from the Heart prince, when the faith of his suit was Hedonism. I had heard from gossip corners in Clubland that in the country of heartland they fornicated in the streets. Since my vocation with love and sex had been so far so vacant, I wouldn’t mind going to watch. Would I play Solitaire all my life?
‘Well, my dear Montague,’ began Princess Collette, but she was looking shyly at prince David while she addressed Prince Montague. I watched them both, Collette and David carefully. There was something going on between these two, some delay, impatience, sly but desperate glances.
‘Let’s hope you do not expect us to be influenced by Heartland’s example.’ She said finally looking at Montague. Her words had the sharp bitterness of a blade. I noticed Montague wince and shudder. I watched Topaz place a comforting hand on Collette’s arm before she spoke at me, for the benefit of all. ‘Your dear mother, Montague, claims to be the heart of the people while she scoffs truffles and brandies. I will prove my good intent, and be one day crowned the Queen of Clemency.’ In the respectable silence that followed such a declaration, my intent unfortunately found the better of me.
‘Would you have such mercy on my heart, ma’am? For a yearning heart that wails under the clouded moon, the only clemency is under your dazzling sun.’  They were all glaring at me again, and it was not the sun.
This time the silence was prolonged. You could hear a poet drop. ‘No, scallywag, I will have no more mercy for your impertinence!’  Prince Montague tapped his ivory stick on the floor and sniffed some snuff with his other hand. ‘By my pips!’ he said, raising his nose at me,  ‘A Two Club that can fence and speak waggish poetry. He would be useful in a war, to fight with his sword in one hand and to sign a surrender with the other,’ He laughed at his own joke.  Princess Collette stared imperiously at him. ‘Better than yours, Montague.’  To my surprise, another knight, a Heart Nine, tall and lanky, stepped from behind the group. I hadn’t noticed him before. He bowed, a little too humbly, to Topaz, doffing his feathered hat. ‘ May I beseech his pardon on my account, ma’am, he is clearly besotted by your heavenly grace, as I. Indeed, he proved it valiantly with his sword, and earned your ribbon. Surely, a humble Two Club can declare his devotion as a knight, is there to be discrimination in class, rank or number to love and beauty praised?’  He bowed humbly one more time without taking his eyes off her. The slavish flattery seemed to soothe her irritation. ‘By all the trumps, Jeffery Two Club, you seem to have the protection of two Knights. A few more pawns like you and we would have a Chess game. Very well, my good Sir Valentine, for once I shall say yes to you. Be gone, Two Club, attend my mother and my father’s locks.’  The ugly giant Prince Victor pushed his way forward.  ‘By the hell of Patience! I do not agree with this. Are we to break Court protocol and all the old policies of Cardland? Princess Topaz surely you will not allow a Two Club to assume that mantle. You will let him… (he pointed at me with disgust) court you or Collette?’  Topaz looked at him with equal disgust. ‘I did not say that he could court me but he can admire me.’ She looked at me and added, ‘From a distance.’
 With this dismissal the host David the Prince, of Diamonds took control. ‘Come, good friends, Royals and knights.  Some fine tea, imported from distant Cardlands, at your disposal in our gardens.’ They all began to move away. I bowed and dropped on to my knee, but with the intention of watching Topaz go. I noticed Prince Victor snatch the Ivory cane from Prince Montague, and as he passed he whacked me on my exposed right knee.  I released a yelp of pain that all the others seemed to ignore. Prince David continued, ‘Father had it shipped over. Do you know they use silk instead of velvet on their tables.’ The congenial voices slowly diminished as they walked from one gallery to the next.
I couldn’t move. I was still wincing and rubbing my knee, when a small graceful female hand came into focus and rested on my right hand.  ‘Wail under the moon?’ a soft voice mocked. ‘Under you’re dazzling sun? She mocked again. I looked up into a pretty face with humorous brown eyes. She was bending over me but I could still see the heart symbol of a unicorn on her chest and two small hearts. ‘Well, it’s not bad off the cuff,’ I pleaded in my defence, linking up to her humour. ‘Yes, but you have dirty cuffs…’ she began to realize. ‘Oh no, that’s dry blood. Yes, I saw the fight. Brave, but very stupid. Why do you wish to give your life to a spoilt princess? For her beauty? Would a field mouse give his life to a hawk? Faith, a hawk is beautiful, but not be eaten by.’ She tapped her chin with mock surprise. ‘Oh, this must mean a field mouse has more sense than you.’ To my chagrin this made sense. I had to respond. ‘Ah yes, but does a field mouse have the panache and the wit to court the Hawk and its diamond eggs?’ She opened her eyes wide and put her index finger on her lips, mimicking receptive intelligence. ‘Oh, I understand, you want to risk humiliation, and risk your life so you can count her eggs.’ I sighed and shook my head. ‘No, for her beauty it is dedication. You cannot understand, you are from the heart suit.’ She glared at me, the insults spinning in her head without being able to catch the appropriate one in time. I took her hand before she could snatch it away and slowly found my legs, then limped over to a far wall, to pick up my work bag where Prince Victor had kicked it. The Two Heart followed me, jibing and  teasing. ‘So, is this a common event?’ ‘What?’ I asked, picking up my bag. ‘Oh just knocking over Princess Topaz, I’d like to sell tickets. Of course part of the show was irritating half the Royal families of Cardlands. I mean one of them was the Black Prince, you know, Prince Victor, the most ruthless man in…’ ‘Yes!’ I snapped. ‘He raped my mother, and killed my father and brother!’ She covered her face, and mumbled through her hands, ‘Oh God! I’m so sorry!’ She pulled her hands down to completely cover her mouth. Her eyes were closed. She opened them and they penetrated mine with such sensitivity that I felt I was being hugged. ‘It’s all right, you didn’t know,’ I mumbled back at her. She raised her hands to cover her face again, and  peeked at me through her fingers. ‘I’ve got a nettle tongue, I take after my mother.’ ‘Is your father still alive?’ She looked down. ‘No.’ ‘Oh now it’s my turn to be sorry.’
 She continued to stare sadly at the floor then appeared to escape from melancholy. She took her hands from her face and displayed her tongue. I could not help but smile, and for the first time took her in.  She was petite, with luscious red hair. Her eyes were her best feature, emphasized by her small nose and chin, somehow like a squirrels, brown, large and watchful. My first impression was that she was pretty and yet her prettiness seemed to grow the longer you were with her. I think it was her personality that did that. My father, my dead father, would have called her a tomboy but for the clothes. She wore the sexy red leather shorts and body apron, the recognized female costume of the Heart suit, with a large red heart on her chest, and the number 2 next to it. By the Two, there was the motif of her trade. A gold key, full master locksmith like, me a silver meant apprenticeship
‘You are a full locksmith,’ I said, surprised. ‘Yes, it really irritates me when people question that. My father taught me.’ ‘No…it is just that…’ ‘I am a woman?’ She snapped back rhetorically.
‘No… I fumbled around, now rubbing my head like a village idiot. ‘No, look, please forgive me. I have been in a sword fight to the death, bowled over Princess Topaz, much to the annoyance of four princes and two princesses, and I am late for my first job with  the Queen.  You see, now that I have upset a Two Heart lady locksmith (she was staring into my eyes daring me to say the wrong thing), well, quite frankly, I do not give a donkey’s prick!’ Her eyes widened, and for a moment I thought she was going to hit me. I prepared myself, but to my surprise she stretched up, held my face in her hands and gave me a full kiss on the lips. God, I had not kissed a girl since a barn dance last year. She did it well, her lips were full and moist and just as I was about to respond she pulled away. ‘That is lovely! An honest man in court. Well done, Jeffery!’
‘How do you know my name?’ She looked at me with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.
‘I think everybody in court does, the fight and the fact that you went bowling with the famous Topaz will sizzle and echo around every gossip corner in Cardlands.’ I smiled at that and she touched the edges of my smile with her forefinger, before she turned and walked away.  I called after her. ‘Wait! What is your name? I would like to see you again.’  I did not think she would respond because she just increased her speed in the opposite direction to where I was going. She reached some large open doors then looked over her shoulder with an alluring smile, ‘Why, do you want to bowl me over?’ I flashed my best smile back, but I think she missed it for she had turned quickly and walked through the doors with a last wiggle of her shapely red bottom.