Chapter Five - A Queen's Wrath



What is this contradiction in me, or men? That I can be briefly aroused by that Two Heart, while being completely, obsessively in love with Topaz. Here is a pun. Did I have two hearts? Perhaps, no heart.
After a lot more corridors, galleries, and stairs, I eventually found the Queen’s apartments, with a little help from a rotund, pleasant, if not a little patronizing old man.  A Six no less, and a Royal accountant, who was rushing about galleries carrying books, files, and quill pens; he even had a silver ink well tied around his neck. When I say patronizing, he told me that I should have been wearing a wig to court, like a parent telling me that I should be wearing a cap to school. All I had wanted was to know the way.
Parents… my mother was all alone and insane… God. It was my turn to fear for her.
The Queen, of course, had the whole of the third floor. The King, in his secret, but commonly known separation from her, had the fourth and top floor, as indeed the highest in the suit should. Apart from the Chief Rabbi, the Diamond Ace, who had his fortified Synagogue up north.
I stopped in the gallery outside Her Majesty’s apartments. The two guards posted on each side of the large oak doors had their beady eyes on me the moment I approached. They were of course, Royal Guards, a specialized unit with the sole duty of defending the Royal Family, resplendent in their red tunics with diamond garters on their white tights, gold helmets, and the famous spears with sharp pointed diamonds on their heads. A tradition, that began when the diamond mines were started one hundred and fifty-two years ago.
‘Who goes there?’ The corporal on the right yelled. I stopped and bowed respectfully.
They were both only Two of Diamonds, but their suit was higher than mine.
‘The King’s locksmith and friend, Jeffery Lock.’ I replied.
The corporal stared suspiciously at me for some moments to emphasize his small power over me, and make me feel like a Two Club, then he turned slightly, without taking his eyes off me, to knock on the Queen’s door behind him.
Within a few seconds, one door opened and a burly sergeant stepped out. To my surprise, it was the same sergeant who had been at the palace gates, who fetched my sword for me.
‘This Two club, claims he is the new Royal Locksmith,’ the corporal said derisively. The sergeant smiled. ‘Then you’d better let him in, Corporal, he’s quite a gladiator with the blade.’
The corporal sized me up with a sneer. ‘What, this pip-squeak, Serg?’
 ‘Yes, Corporal, this pip-squeak. Just this morning, he dropped the Two Spade, one of the best swordsmen in Cardland, and the new Purser.’
 ‘Blimey!’ The Corporal said with a little more respect.
 The sergeant looked squarely at me. ‘Now listen son, the tables have turned. Take my advice, and scarper. You haven’t a sword now, and that shit the Black Prince has, and a gentleman he is not. He could be along at any minute, to give the Queen one. Not a pretty sight. Apart from which, their new Ace Spade Pope, who kicked out that good pope, hates the Club suit, and especially the lowly Two Clubs. Something to do with that new card game, bridge. When at a Royal sitting of the four Aces, the host being the Spade Pope playing (he paused and looked furtively around him) playing bridge
with the Club Archbishop, the Diamond Chief Rabbi, and the Heart Head of Entertainment, the Rabbi won a rubber and the match, on the last card, on the last trick with the Two of Clubs. Him and Prince Victor hates them, well sorry mate, hates you. Why, he will run you through on the spot, sword or no sword, and we can’t give witness to that sort of foul play. I’d lose me stripes so I would.’
I smiled at him and nodded my head. ‘I understand, Sergeant.’ He smiled back impudently. I felt I ought to know his name, just in case, for the future perhaps. He seemed very shrewd, loyal, and street wise, a survivor. ‘I’ll put in a good report for you, Sergeant? What’s your name?’
 He stared suspiciously at me for a moment. ‘Sergeant Beer, sir!’
I stared back at him equally suspicious. ‘Your real name.’
 ‘Oh, right, Sir, sorry Sir. Sergeant Reeb. My commanding officer this month is Major Sir Leighton. I am on U.C. Suit exchange duty from Club to Spade.’
 ‘Forget I asked.’
 ‘Right, sir, and I’d just like to mention, that was a sweet peace of blade work you did on that piss-pot of a purser (he crossed himself), God rest ‘is soul.’
‘He survived, I think Sergeant.’
 ‘Oh fuck him then sir, if you’ll forgive my Gold. Still that little cock-sucker the Two spade copped it, and so will you if you don’t scarper like I said.’
 I nodded with appreciation. ‘My thanks to you, Sergeant, but I have been sent on an errand for the king, to change the locks on the Queen’s doors.’
Both the sergeant and guards exhaled in unison and clicked their tongues.
‘Oh no, not again!’ The sergeant exclaimed. ‘All she does is change the locks back. Your Two Club predecessors changed the lock for ‘im, she gets livid, and boots the poor old Two Club out, and gets the fucking Two Spade to change the locks back again… (it suddenly seemed to dawn on him). ‘Oh fuck, of course! The Two Spade locksmith is brown bread. (He grinned.) Magic. What’s she going to do now when a craftsman like you changes the locks? This I’d like to see!’ He lifted and stretched his hand behind him, and knocked, without turning round. In a moment, the door opened again and a footman, a Three, stepped out.  ‘Hello, Mr Taylor, got a new locksmith ‘ere, to change the locks for the King.’
The footman’s nose and brow wrinkled in unison. ‘Oh, my Card! These locks get changed more often than my tights. Hold on, wait here, Two Club, I will get the Lady of the Queen’s bedchamber to escort you, in case you steal something.’
 I nearly hit him. ‘Nah, he’s a gentleman, Mr Taylor,’ the sergeant claimed. The footman sneered,
 ’What a Two Club? Do not be foolish, Sergeant.’
 I stared at him, but he averted his gaze and looked past me. ‘Tell me, Sir, do you jest, mock, or jibe?’ I asked in the most friendly manner that I could muster, past my bile.
 Now he condescended to look at me. ‘Why, all three minnow, and I am serious in my accusation. A gentleman is at least a Five and has the good taste and manners to dress for court. You look like a vagabond. Why, you have no wig, your clothes are obviously handed down, and they are dirty, I mean look at your cuffs. No, scallywag, keep out of sight till the job is done, watch where you put your feet and, as you are surely a pick-pocket, your hands.’
I rested my hand gently on his arm. ‘Sir, you are very rude. How often do you change your tights?’ He now deigned to glare at me, then down at my hand.
‘No, you are rude and insolent, and if you do not hold your tongue, I will box your ears.’ He lifted my hand off his arm and was about to turn when I reached out and pressed a pressure point on his neck. He wheezed, and his arms began to flap.
‘That might be useful from the top floor,’ I suggested. He began to break wind.
 The sergeant grinned and said, ‘I was going to warn you, Mr Taylor, this is Jeffery Two Club, now one of the best swordfighters in Cardland.’
 I let go of his throat and he went into a coughing fit. When he recovered, he turned to me wide- eyed and clutching his throat. ‘Oh I beg your pardon sir, I humbly beseech you to… to… follow me,’ the Footman asked humbly.
Before I followed him, the sergeant winked at me. ‘If any bloke’s a tea leaf it’s ‘im.’
What I saw of the Queen’s apartment was, like the entrance, airy and bright, smelling of chrysanthemums and roses arranged in Satsuma porcelain, on ivory and rosewood tables. But the scent reminded me of a church, a funeral, possibly mine, if Prince Victor turned up before I had finished the job.
 I was at last shown to the Queen’s Boudoir, by the Lady of the Queen’s bedchamber, a tall old lady whose white hair contrasted with her long, silk, redlined black gown. I say Boudoir, but like everything at the palace it was big.   Her door was, conveniently a few paces from the front door.
While unlocking the Queen’s door, the Lady explained that the Queen was out somewhere playing the new-fangled game of bridge. Then she swept into the room, and I followed like a goose feather on the ebb tow of a rushing stream. She sat in a high-back mediaeval black chair and motioned at me to work while she checked through some domestic list. I wanted a quick look at the Queen’s bedroom beyond, after all, when would I get another chance. But seeing her eyes on me over her list, I gave in after all, she was a Six.
 So I got to work. Before I unscrewed the whole lock, I wanted to test it. I got out from my workbag the Master key that my Father had given me, and in a few seconds had the lock turning. I wasn’t impressed and wondered why the Two Spade Jackson, had been so highly thought of as a locksmith.
The Lady coughed and shifted in her hard wooden chair, so I quickly began to change the lock. After a few moments of stony silence, she slapped her notebook. I looked up. Her rather severe lined face had broken into a smile, something like a geometric chart turned upside down. For some reason her bosom was now heaving.
 ‘Oh! You must be the new Two Club, Jeffery Lock. Am I right, or am I right? (I nodded) The young man that fenced with that little horse-shit Two Spade, and killed him, and wounded that nasty new Purser. It’s a puzzle how he got the job. Whatever happened to that nice Mr Mills?’ With a shock, something new and alarming occurred to her. ‘By all the Diamonds! You had better hurry up and get out! That Black Prince Victor of the Spades will be coming to see the Queen!’ She said, panicking, and then with a sudden switch to romantic reflection added. ‘ Her Highness is not really having an affair with that horrid man, she is just trying to make the King jealous.’
 She smiled ruefully and stared into space for a moment until the anxiety was back in a rush. ‘God in the pack, he will be coming soon, any moment and oi has he got a black heart! He hates Clubs, especially Two Clubs!’  I nodded in cognition.
‘I know, my lady, but I have to do my work and duty for the King.’
 ‘Oi, and that you should get killed for their silly games! Well, hurry, young man! Hurry!’
 I did.  I was feeling very vulnerable on my knees, without a sword or dagger.  By a stroke of fortune, just as I had finished the lock, I heard the approaching heavy pounding of boots in the outside corridor. I looked up at the Lady, she looked very alarmed and fragile. She had her hands on her bosom that was heaving faster now, like two silent bells trying to ring.  ‘Quickly!’ she yelled. ‘Get in here!’ She had rushed to the Queen’s bedchamber door and held it open. I grabbed my tool bag, leapt into the bedchamber and she closed the door behind me just as the footman let the prince in. I must say, my chest was heaving now.
 ‘Do you have a key to this door?’ I asked urgently. She grabbed at her waist belt.  ‘Oh no!’ She whispered hoarsely.
 ‘Never mind.’ I said. And dropped to my knees. ‘Oh!’ she said excitedly, and grabbing the back of my head, pulled my face in to her bosom. It was wonderful but the wrong moment I felt, no thought.
 I pulled away, and put my eye to the keyhole. I couldn’t see anyone, but could just hear Prince Victor talking in fierce whispers to someone in the corridor beyond the boudoir. I made out - ‘We can’t capture the Queen…’ Some sort of answer, then - ‘Too much security…too many guards…(a cuss, then) murder…’ I had to hear more. I yanked the door open and rushed to the boudoir door, and again fell on my knees to peer though the keyhole. To my alarm and disgust I got a close-up of the princes arse, but now they were talking in a much more secretive and lower volume. Very carefully, I slowly pulled the door open a crack and their voices were much louder I could hear everything.  Someone else was talking and I assumed it was his companion Sir Beal. ‘Yes it is filthy luck, Sire. But we have accomplished much. We have the old Pope missing and projected dead. We have captured the Chief Rabbi, although I think he…’
 The Lady placed a hand on my shoulder behind and my heart almost seized up. ‘Stop that, Jeffery, close the door!’ she hissed. I closed it quickly. I wondered if they had heard. ‘The Lady shook a finger at me. ‘You must not interfere with the affairs of the state! (She pinched my cheek) You’re a rascal!’ I couldn’t tell her that this was really my job, to hear and watch. I had to hear more. I pulled the door open again, and there were the shiny boots of the Prince. I looked up into the faces of Prince Victor and Sir Beal, who glared down at me.
 Suddenly, the Prince grabbed my collar, and lifted me as if I was a puppet off my feet, and threw me down the corridor. The Lady behind me screamed. I automatically reached for my knife but of course it wasn’t there. He lashed out with his foot and kicked me in the chest, I felt a rush of blood to my head, and couldn’t breathe with the pain. He stood over my incumbent writhing body, arrogant, his hands on his hips, smiling with pleasure. I tried to crawl away, but his aide in cruelty, Sir Beal was already behind me. He grabbed my ears and forced me to look in to the looming ugly face of Prince Victor, he had dark brown eyes, that appeared strangely kind, like the owl with it’s stabbing claws that sits on the field mouse, ready to peck out it’s intestines and sinews of life. His breath stank from bad teeth and decaying food.
‘How much did you hear, pup?’ the Prince asked with a menacing grin that showed the cause of his foul breath.
 I did not answer but prayed to all the Suit Gods for their help. He stood upright again and planted his foot on my chest where he had hit me.
I cried out in pain. I could see the Lady behind him with her hands over her ears cry out in unison. ‘How much, Club piglet?’ He yelled, I yelped as he leant forward, putting more weight on my chest. Blind rage somehow overtook my fear.
 ‘You killed my brother and father,’ I wheezed, and tried to spit.
 He glanced up at Sir Beal and smiled, still smiling he looked at me. ‘So? Who cares, I enjoyed it. Now I’ll kill you and enjoy it.’ He lifted his foot slightly. Now I could shout. ‘You raped my mother!’ I heard a despairing muffled sigh from the Lady. ‘Yes,’ he said thoughtfully, as if trying to remember. ‘But I did not enjoy that. She was just an old whore.’
 This time I managed to spit hard, and to my great pleasure, a globule landed on his nose and left eye. He cursed and let go to wipe his face. I rolled away. Sir Beal almost yanked off my ears. I got up and lunged for the main door, grabbed the handle, and opened it. The guards were looking in with surprise. I was kicked hard in the rear and propelled forward as if a horse had bucked me. Helpless, I slid and stumbled across the hall to smash against the leaded windows. Some panes broke and glass scattered over the floor. I was winded and for a moment couldn’t move.
When I rolled over Prince Victor was on me. His sword pressed on my chest. He paused, savouring the moment. ‘What a pity I will not have the opportunity to torture you. Pathetic little Two Club.’
 To my surprise, I saw the prince stiffen and wince, as a spear was pushed against his back. I couldn’t see who it was until I heard the sergeant’s voice. ‘Try that, your Highness fuck face, and I’ll ram this diamond so high up your arse that your eyes will sparkle.’ I craned my head round.
 ‘Thank you, Sergeant Beer or Reeb, I am much obliged.’ The sergeant grinned, but didn’t take his eyes off the Prince. Behind him I could see the two guards had their sharp diamond-tipped spears in the back of Sir Beal.
 Down the corridor a woman’s voice boomed and echoed off the corridor walls. ‘Wait! What in a Whist is going on here!’ The Lady of the Bedchamber rushed out of the apartment doors and stared in the direction of the voice. She went white and I thought she was going to faint. I craned my head the other way to see the Queen of Diamonds advancing like a bull in silks and satins. Then I fainted.
It was only a few moments, hardly more than the blink of an eye. When I came to, the Lady of the Bedchamber was leaning over me and dabbing the bump on my head where I had hit the wall. The Diamond Queen, Pauline, stood staring down at me, on each side of her Prince Victor and Sir Beal. Behind them Sergeant Beer and the guards stood attentively, their spears by their sides.
‘Well, well, the omnipresent Jeffery Lock, the Two Club. So, let’s assess your curriculum vitae.’ Past her I noticed a crowd developing among them the pretty Two Heart.
‘For less than a day, your first day at court: you have killed my locksmith Jackson and badly wounded the new Purser. (She was counting my misdemeanours on her fingers.) You have bowled over my daughter. Physically knocked her on to her back. Something I would dearly wish a prince would do, not a trivial Two Club. Then, oh yes, irritating and angering nearly all our future kings and queens. And now! (she said loudly), as if that was not enough! I find you fighting with our mighty and powerful Prince Victor of Spades, and his aide-de-camp, Sir Beal. (She smiled with false tolerance.) Now, will that be all for today?’
Her eyelashes fluttered, something she did I’m told before she started yelling, but I was so in love with Topaz, that all I could think of was comparing faces. I could see in this round face with a chin that was disappearing into fat and a furrowed forehead that there had been some beauty once.
I breathed in deeply. ‘No, ma’am. I beseech your pardon and forgiveness. I was in your loyal service and I was late…’ She picked off another finger. ‘Yes, ma’am, sorry, well all these misfortunes were thrust upon me.’
Her face at last erupted like a fresh-water salmon spitting out a hook. ‘Thrust upon you!’ she yelled. ‘You thrust yourself upon my daughter! You assaulted a Princess!’ Prince Victor stepped closer to her. ‘As I said, my dear Pauline, the footman caught him stealing and reported him to me. I found him lurking in your boudoir making off with your diamonds.’
The Queen’s Lady shook her head. ‘Not true, ma’am!’
 The Queen raised her hand.
‘No? Tell me what happened, Two Club. Tell me a lie and you will be zeroed.’
‘I simply came as ordered to change the locks in your boudoir and bed-chamber Ma’am, when this prince and knight set on me.’
Prince Victor sighed irritably.
‘You would take the word of a Two Club and parlour maid over a Spade Prince and Knight!’
 The Lady looked affronted at this insult. The Queen ignored the Prince, and continued her interrogation of me. ‘Look me in the eyes, Jeffery. Why should these noble men set on you without any reason?’
 The Prince and Knight scoffed. ‘Well precisely, Ma’am, the boys a liar and a thief!’ Sir Beal accused.
 ‘Silence!’ The Queen snapped. ‘Well, Two Club?’ Apart from being supine, I was in a very difficult position. I could not tell the Queen the truth. It would impeach me. I craned my head up to whisper. To my relief she leant forward to listen. God it was strange, I got a close up of the Queen’s ear. The Queen! The last time I had seen a queen, she was rushing past in a carriage. ‘It is highly confidential, your Highness. With respect, I do not think they should hear.’ The Queen pulled away, and waved a dismissive hand at them. I was surprised that she could lift her hand at all, with all those diamonds on her wrist. Prince Victor and Sir Beal glared malevolently at me but moved out of earshot.
She turned back to look questioningly at me. ‘Well, go on.’
I nodded dutifully and unintentionally knocked the back of my head on the floor. I felt dizzy again. ‘While about my business, Ma’am, I was on the inside of your bedroom door…’ 
‘You were in my bedroom?’
‘Oh watched diligently by your Lady, Ma’am.’ The Lady grunted and nodded her head at the Queen. I was about to continue when she raised her hand.
 ‘You are very cultured for a Two Club. Where were you educated?’
‘Privately, by Father Ten (she looked blank). Lord Bishop Ten of Clubs, Ma’am.’
 She slowly nodded her head. ‘Ah, things are beginning to make sense. Go on.’
 ‘They entered and I overheard them talking surreptitiously.’
 ‘Saying what?’ she hissed.
 ‘Something about…that they couldn’t capture the Queen…’ With that she jerked her head around to stare at them, then looked back at me. ‘Yes, I assumed you, Ma’am (she nodded), they said, well I couldn’t hear all of it but that they had captured your Chief Rabbi…’
‘My life!’ she exclaimed. The prince and knight behind looked uncomfortable.
 ‘Also, Ma’am, that they had captured or killed the good Ace Spade Pope.’
 ‘My life!’ she said again, and looked at me for some time, deep in thought.
 ‘Oh yes (I remembered), something …the Prince of Hearts… and home…’ To my surprise, she ran her podgy hand through my forelock, lifted the strand of hair back, and rubbed the back of my head. Her heavy rings scraped over my scalp. I heard an impatient cough. Behind her, Prince Victor and Sir Beal continued to glare and shuffle impatiently. The Queen smiled.
‘You have done well, Jeffery Two Club.’ I returned her smile.
‘I am glad to be of service, Ma’am.’ She turned and looked over her shoulder, first at the Prince and Knight, then further up the corridor to the entrance, were there was a melee of courtiers watching the scene, including of course, the Two Heart girl that I had spoken to earlier. Our eyes held, she smiled, wagged a disapproving finger at me, then shook her head. I smiled back at her.
 ‘Ah, that is good, (the Queen said approvingly) you are interested in someone apart from my daughter.’
 ‘Oh no…’ I began to say.
‘Oh yes! For you, she is right. For my daughter, come back when you are a prince. That Two Heart there she looks a nice girl. Don’t be a schmuck all your life.’
She squeezed my cheek, and stood up to confront the Prince and Knight. I pulled myself to my feet. The Queen raised her head to level with them. She looked very intimidating.
 ‘You have made our pleasure false, my Black Prince and skulking knight. You came to Diamond Land, to invest in our hospitality, and by our leave, to court our daughter Princess Topaz. You came to my apartments for tea, and you plot to steal my tea Caddie. Two Club Jeffrey!’ she barked.
‘Yes, Ma’am?’ I bleated from behind her. ‘You will leave your lock in, to keep this plotting prince out.’  ‘Yes ma’am!’ I called out with an edge of satisfaction, knowing that the Queen’s inflection was dismissal for the prince. Prince Victor glared at me for a moment, Ill intent in every fibre of his body. He then slowly levelled his malevolent glare on the Queen, and moved forward with Sir Beal to attack. There were gasps of concern from the far doorway.
The sergeant and I moved together to stand protectively in front of her. Before they could take more than one step, both the guards outflanked them, holding the sharp diamond tips of their long lances at their throats. The prince had trouble speaking. A bead of blood ran down his neck, spoiling his silk cravat. ‘I destroyed your family Two Club. How did I miss you? There is mystery here. Well, good Queen, too good to be true, eh. You boring sow!’ There was a gasp of disapproval from the far entrance. Prince Victor turned to glance at the witnesses, they all shrank back. Except, I noticed, for the Two Heart Locksmith.
 Prince Victor turned back to the Queen and did not seem to care about a shallow slash on his neck from the Lance.   ‘Queen Pauline It was never my pleasure. If you will not give me your daughter’s hand, I will take her body and soul in the end!’
 He made a move to turn but the guard pressed on the spear and turned to look questioningly at the Queen. She made a dismissive motion with her hand.  Prince Victor turned without another word, and walked off with the attendant Sir Beal.
When they had gone, the Queen turned to me for counsel. Me, a Two Club!  She looked very worried.
 ‘What do you think, Jeffery? I am concerned for my daughter.’
‘As I, Ma’am, and for the whole of Cardland with his evil intent unchecked.’ She stared at me for a moment, then smiled and squeezed my chin again.
 ‘What do you, a Two Club know of the affairs of state. Be gone, pretty boy, before I use your lock to lock you in my chamber.’ Her Lady screeched with laughter, and the guards stepped back in to their positions. I bowed deeply, and until the Queen had turned, walked backwards.
 Now, with my first opportunity, I searched the entrance of the corridor for that Two of Hearts, if anything just to get her name. But she had gone, as had the Queen.
 When I got home I could not wait to find my best friend Tim, to tell him about this incredible day. But I doubt if he would believe anything, except perhaps about the Two of Hearts girl. The trouble was, I didn’t know her name.
Before I left the hall the Queen reappeared and bellowed after me ‘Jeffery! Come back here!’ It was ironic, even the Queen knew my name.