Chapter Nine



At a sedate pace (the running speed of a field mouse), Betty’s great hooves plodded along the paths, through the forest carpeted by bluebells, up and down dale, over chuckling streams that sparkled their way under sighing and creaking oaks.
When we broke from the forest into the lively open fields of swaying corn and yellow mustard, I slowly developed a plan in my head to surprise the bloody border guards. I had crossed at the same post for more than two years, and every time they harassed or mocked Betty and me in the same way. They would strut around us, making recycled cracks and jibes like: ‘You been to the Far East, Cardlands son, and brought back that elephant.’ They would laugh mockingly, then, after a last cursory walk round us, slap poor old Betty hard, sometimes with the butt of their muskets.
 I carefully nudged Betty into a laboured canter, and built up speed, after a space of time (so long that I felt my nails growing) into a thundering gallop. Thus I advanced and charged towards the Diamond Land border post. The effect was what I had hoped for. The lazy guards, awoken from their slumbers, were on their feet and grabbing their muskets. In panic, one of them, Steward, a tall lanky corporal, the most spiteful, fired a shot. A big black lead ball hammered though the air above my head. Pulling Betty up from speed was a bit like stopping a landslide rolling down a mountain. The guards scattered in all directions, and Betty slammed into the sentry box, knocking it over with a crash and whine of splitting wood. I was thrown to the ground.
 By the time I had recovered there were five soldiers standing over me aiming their muskets at my chest. A voice I recognized boomed out behind them.
‘At ease! Stand away!’ When the men stepped back and placed their muskets by their sides, through the gap, to my surprise, I saw the omnipresent Sergeant Beer, or Reeb. He stood over me and looked down smiling. ‘Hello, son, what’s your game then?’
 I smiled back at him. ‘I say, I am most awfully sorry Sergeant, but I was just so pissed off at these men taking the piss out of me and my good horse every fucking morning.’
 The Sergeant’s grin dropped and was exchanged for a scowl. For a moment I thought I’d gone too far, until he straitened up and with a very erect back glared at the men. His voice seemed to rise by several octaves as he screamed abuse at them.
 ‘Is this true? You horrible bunch of wankers! Stand to attention when I talk to you! What a fucking useless bunch of fucking girls you are! This ‘ere… (he pointed at me, I was still supine on the ground. I stood up and inspected Betty), This ‘ere is a good decent fucking gentleman going about his state fucking business, and you fucking shoot at him! Who fucking shot at him?’ None of them responded they were all frozen to attention. ‘Fucking step forward, or I’ll put you all on a fucking charge!’
 The Corporal was pushed forward by the others. ‘Oh, Corporal Steward, I might ‘ave known! Next time I’ll ‘ave your stripes, then your fucking balls. Get back in line!’ The Corporal shuffled back in line. There was a pause I brushed myself down. The Sergeant screamed at them again. ‘Well, what the fuck are you all standing around for? Get back to your post before the Hearts of fucking Toyland attack, and smack you on the fucking head with their fucking wands.’ He turned back to me and actually saluted. ‘Pardon my Gold, Captain.’
 ‘Captain?’ I queried. He grimaced. ‘Sorry Sir, I am being a bit previous and ahead of myself. Don’t tell no one I told you, Sir, but that will be your rank when you travel. But I will say no more, I will leave the explaining to those that is in authority. Mean while I am to escort you to meet the Chief Rabbi Gideon, Sir. Kindly mount up, Sir…’ He paused, to look up at Betty. ‘If you can get back up there? (I nodded) Well done, Sir, then kindly follow me.’
With surprising agility he ran to a fine-looking horse tied to the flagpole, jumped up on to it (an alert soldier quickly untied the horse) and gallop off. Before very long he was almost out of sight, expecting me to be right behind, but you couldn’t hurry Betty.
 I was still earnestly trying to move her on from a leisurely walk. Before he was completely out of sight, the Sergeant turned, and on seeing me just leaving the entrance of the border post stopped and trotted back. When he reached me he was smirking. ‘That horse may be able to pull down a sick tree and knock over a sentry box, but I don’t think it will ever join the light brigade Sir.’ I smiled back sheepishly. ‘Not unless they charge up Mount Taulress Sergeant.’ (Taulress was the highest mountain in Cardland.)
After taking longer than expected, we arrived at the Diamond Blue forest. The moment we entered it we were surrounded by mounted troops, and before long the serpentine path was blocked by a black and red carriage, also guarded by troops. Through the window I could see the profile of Rabbi Gideon, a diminutive middle- aged man, with a finely chiselled face, and a skullcap that neatly covered a bald patch of his receding hair. A bony young lieutenant with a drooping blond moustache sat on a horse and talked down to him in a guarded and surreptitious manner. When he looked up at us, I could see straight away that he was a lofty, arrogant man. ‘You took your time, Sergeant!’
 The sergeant grimaced. ‘Sorry, sir, but it was more Betty took her time, Sir!’ And to prove it Betty decided to stop and rip up some tasty-looking grass by the trunk of a tree.
 ‘I don’t want any damned excuses, Sergeant! Who is Betty anyway?’ Sergeant Beer pointed at Betty. ‘Oh don’t be so bloody pathetic, man!’ With that the lieutenant kicked his horse and came over to lean down and grab Betty’s reins.
‘Oh don’t do that, lieutenant.’ I asked. He glanced up. ‘Why ever not? Keep quiet, bloody Two Club!’ He yanked at the reins. When Betty’s head did not move an inch, he yanked harder. Suddenly Betty, with a great bale of grass in her cavernous mouth, lunged forward to ram the lieutenant’s unfortunate horse, sending it reeling backwards and catapulting the protesting officer on to the ground, where he rolled some way until he came to rest with a thump up against the Rabbis’ coach. The sergeant turned quickly to me. Rolling his eyes, he ran over to help the lieutenant. Some other men rushed over to grab the sprawling and panicking officer’s horse. The sergeant helped the lieutenant limp over to some tree stumps.
The Rabbi leant his arm out of the window.  ‘Well, well, master Two Club, you certainly like to make an entrance. Come over here, my boy, quickly now, I haven’t got much time,’ he said, glancing at a fob watch that he had slipped from his waistcoat pocket. ‘Come, climb aboard, what do you want to wait for, Christmas?  We don’t have it in Diamond Land.’
 I climbed quickly aboard and sat opposite on the leather bench seat. Now I was face to face with one of the cleverest and most manipulative men in Cardland. But you would never think it. He had large sensitive brown eyes, and eyebrows that kept quivering, especially when he was deep in thought. He stared searchingly into my face, Then looked down at my sword and dagger. ‘What are you doing with those, you should have taken them off.’ I mumbled an apology and began to undo my belt. ‘No, don’t bother now, what you think I’ve got all day? You have already kept me waiting.’
 ‘That wasn’t the sergeant’s fault, Your Grace.’
 ‘I know. Now listen, my God, have you got small ears. Can you hear me? (I nodded). Well, listen good’… He paused. Betty had decided to stroll over and put her head through the window to search for me. For a moment the Rabbi looked startled. I stroked Betty’s crunching and revolving chin. ‘ My God! Where did you get such a beast?  I have never seen a mountain move before.’
 ‘It’s a farm horse.’
 ‘Can it understand English?’ I nodded.
 ‘Food, come, go Bet, stop Bet, home Bet, and Tavern.’
 ‘What about Hebrew?’
I pushed gently on Betty’s muzzle. ‘Go Bet.’ She moved slowly away, to chew contentedly on some more grass. The Rabbi was tapping my knee.
 ‘Now listen good Jeffery. You are not so special I have many agents. Eyes and ears everywhere. But what you could do one day, will be of the utmost importance.’
‘What do you mean?’… I began to ask.
‘Don’t interrupt, all will be revealed in the fullness of time. I cannot give you too many details in case you are caught. But suffice to say, I can tell you this. First I must apologize, that was an assassination attempt by the Black Prince, Sir Beal, the phoney Purser, and Two Spade. I did not expect them to move on the first day, my mistake, and I don’t make many.’ He glanced briefly out of each window.
 ‘You may have realized by now that there is an impending war. This I have learnt through good and faithful men, some I can’t name but there is Father Ten, and Colonel Bolt I trust him, so I trust you. I have a good instinct for people, that myshoginer of a Lieutenant, Lieutenant Greycard, all upper crust and no brain. That Sergeant, I have seen him run rings around him. It amuses me. And I can use him, the lieutenant. At the right time I can pass on misinformation, and I know that any pretty lady can extract that useless piece of information off him with a wink of her eye.
 Now there are good and bad in every pack. The new Chief Rabbi will betray his own people in exchange for power. He will help the new malign Spade Pope, the artful Queen of Spades, the execrable Black Prince Victor. The new, Pope, Thomas Nicodemus, incidentally, is a first cousin to the Spade Queen Theophila, a machiavellian family if ever there was one. Spadeland appears to be a theocracy, but in effect the iron fist is the graceful hand of Queen Theophila. Their plan is to invade and capture the Heart Hedonist lands, our rich Diamond Lands and all your Clublands, especially now, when most of you soldiers work abroad. As for your Clubland, well, for the moment I can tell you your Archbishop Melbourn, is so deep in the Spade Queen Theophila’s purse that he has room to toss a coin. I suspect your Prince John of patricide, the mad Club King is always locked away, who can…’
 I raised my hand. ‘Please. Stop there! I cannot allow you to insult my Royal family.’
He shrugged. ‘Why you think it’s better that you do it?’ I glared at him. ‘All right, I respect loyalty, even if it is misplaced. Let’s move on. Also your generals are corrupt. Now, in a roundabout way you will be sent on an important errand soon to Heartland, and Spadeland. In two days, envoys will arrive from Heartland and Spadeland. So be at home. In Heartland, you can have complete trust in a Colonel Bolt, a fine officer, but always smoking a pipe, filthy habit. Also Sir Valentine, who I believe you met briefly in court when you knocked over the Princess Topaz. (He looked anxiously at me.) You won’t make a habit of knocking over Royalty, will you? (I shook my head.) Good, because you are going to meet a few. There is a temple of a cat in Heartland. As you know the Hearts are Hedonists, their idol is the Cat, it represents their lifestyle; sleep a lot, sex a lot, eat a lot and stroke a lot. The Cat temple is huge. Naturally the head priest - the Ace Head - is in charge. He is overtly kind, but I don’t trust him. My spies have told me they have seen a lot of people coming and going, more than worshippers, and apparently there are a lot of corridors with many rooms. All the doors are locked. We sent in a Heart Locksmith, undercover. He tried, but he couldn’t open any of them. We told him to go back and try again. He did, but he died mysteriously.’
 He was tapping on my knee again, it was obvious what was coming. ‘This is where you come in. (I sighed.) I’ve heard you’re good. You will travel there as a Working Master locksmith Club Captain of the Royal Club-house Cavalry.’
 I had to admit that excited me no end, my family couldn’t afford a commission and now I was to be a Captain! And I loved the uniform especially the silver mesh on the shoulders and…
He interrupted my thoughts. ‘Now listen to me, good Jeffery.’
 I was too excited to listen. ‘Does that mean I will be a four or a five?’ I asked barley able to conceal my excitement. God! I might get more respect from Topaz! The Rabbi shrugged.
 ‘Well… for you, five.’ Suddenly his mood changed. He leaned forward and violently grabbed my wrist. ‘Now listen to me! The whole of Cardland including your county is in danger and all you can think about is your rank! You have no rank, no worth unless you earn it. Do you understand!’ I was quite shocked at his violence. He was obviously not a man to be on the wrong side of. Those sensitive eyes and his kind demeanour were not to be taken for granted.
 The sergeant’s face appeared at the window. ‘Everything all right your Holyrab?’
 I smiled at the sergeant’s textual corruption, but the Rabbi didn’t.
 ‘Yes, thank you sergeant, leave us.’ The Rabbi let go of my wrist, but his eyes were still fixed on me. ‘Now listen, good Captain Five, what ever you do, do not go to Spadeland, it would be far too dangerous for you! He stopped for a moment as if he were purging his temper, then tapped me on the knee again. ‘Please listen Jeffrey. I know you have great affection and devotion to Father Ten, but his aggressive need to combat evil could put us all at risk, especially you. Where we differ, not only in our faith, is that he thinks we should fight evil with the same force that evil fights good, a hammer blow. I wish to fight it with the same alacrity but cautious judgment before I act. He lost a lot in the Holy Baron wars he does not value life as I do. To him all must die, or risk dying at once, in the service of God. To me all must die eventually. (He seemed to drift off) in bed, with a nice wife, some wine…’
He concentrated again and looked searchingly at me. ‘Do you understand?’
 I acquiesced, because of the risk of upsetting him again. I nodded. ‘I do, but I don’t think he’d risk my life unnecessarily.’
He shook his head and sighed. ‘Well I’ve done all I can without sullying his good name. Now go! (I started to move.) No, wait. (He was holding on to my knee this time.) Do not ever get into another fight with that vile Black Prince Ivan!’ I felt the bile and my temper rising, it must have shown in my eyes. He made a reassuring gesture with his other hand. ‘I know, my boy, I know what he did with your family, terrible, cruel, barbaric. But that man is absolute evil. Don’t quote me but I really think he is the right hand of the devil. In all of his properties in Spadeland he has a torture room. That is why you must not go to Spadeland.’ (I made to protest.) You are under my orders now, if you want your captain’s pay, that is an order, avoid or do not engage in any sort of fight with Prince Victor. (He smiled) I know he has kicked you in the postscript yesterday, who knows what tomorrow will bring.’
 He turned and opened a leather box next to him. Inside was a tray of diamonds that reflected the light and sent sparkles all around the inside of the coach. He scooped most of them into a velvet bag, and handed it to me. ‘You have a meeting with Father Ten tonight, he is going to start a sort of revolution. That is to pay the army.’
My jaw had dropped. ‘How do you know I won’t make a dash for it, all these diamonds!’ (He shrugged.) ‘First, I trust Father Ten you came recommended by him. And two, how far do you think you’d get on that horse? (I laughed and started to move again.) Oh and that Two Heart, her name is Joan. Pretty girl, nice legs.’
 He said this as I was jumping to the ground. I turned quickly and began to ask,  ‘But how did you know?…’ His coach started to move.
 ‘It’s my job to know (he shrugged) and sometimes see. Your job is to see and sometimes know. Take good care, Captain!’